Will, I wish I could tell you all this in person, but I know you wouldn't listen to me, just as you apparently are not reading my e-mails. Or are you reading them but just don't answer?
Although I am not even able to put it into words, I want to tell you (again) how sorry I am. I never meant to hurt you - I love you, Will, I really really love you.
Everything that has happened... It happened before I realized that. That I love you, I mean. I know it's paradoxical, but the reason why I went to see Brian again was the same reason why I fell in love with you...
I have told you about the relationship I had with him, and you were so very very different. Amazing, but also scaring me a little. You have been completely „in" right from the start, whereas I was still hung up on him after he had broken up with me. You were so gentle and caring and you fulfilled my every wish, sometimes even before I knew I had it. I just didn't know how to accept that; to not believe it would be over again soon and yes, also not to feel... overwhelmed by this...
This is by no means your fault, please don't even start to think in that direction. You were perfect! It was all me, I didn't appreciate this gift enough. I thought I needed the comfort of something I knew already, of something I knew how to cope with... At one point I was completely lost as to what I want, so I went to see Brian a few times... and exactly that helped me realize, what you mean to me...
Will took a deep breath. This was the sixth e-mail of Mac's he had read, and though every single one was worded differently, they all said the same and confirmed that he had played his role in what had happened back then, although he hadn't known it at the time.
Not for the first time he cursed himself for not talking to Mac back when she had told him about cheating with Brian or at least any time after that. Instead he had thrown her out...
„Billy, did you hear what I said? I love you! It's been so long since..."
Will interrupted Mac coldly, unimpressed by her tear-stained face and pleading. „Shove it, Mac. I don't want to hear any of it. Just... go! Get out of my sight, I don't want to see you again!"
Although he was feeling a strange mix of numbness and rage he still realized that Mac wouldn't be able to move out of their apartment in a heartbeat. „I will go to a hotel for a couple of nights. When I come back I don't want to find a single trace of you here anymore."
Turning around he went into the bedroom and packed a few things he would need. When he came back into the living room Mac had fallen onto the couch and was sobbing uncontrollably, but when she heard him she looked up with pleading eyes, though not daring to say anything.
Will paused for a second as if to memorize her face and saw a tiny flicker of hope in her eyes, but then, without another word, he continued towards the door. The moment he closed it behind him he heard her desperate cry, „Billy!", and only then he allowed his own tears to fill his eyes.
He barely managed to pull himself together until he had checked into a nearby hotel, but when he entered his room he shattered completely and the tears started to flow. He was crying for what he had lost, for the woman that meant everything to him and who he had given his heart to.
He wept for an embarrassingly long time, something he would never admit to to anybody , but when no more tears wanted to come anymore he felt himself harden inside. He would not cry again over this cheater who had broken his heart. He had trusted Mac, he had given her everything he had, and she had betrayed him in return. He was done with her, and he never wanted to see her again.
Will came back from this memory and sadly shook his head. After his emotional breakdown he had gotten drunk and sometime during that night he had sent a text to his boss at CNN in which he resigned. He had been sure he would not be able to work with Mac after this, never again.
A couple of days later he had talked to Charlie Skinner, who had given him his first chance on the air years ago and had told him countless times before that he would always be welcome to rejoin ACN. Charlie had been delighted to hear that he was available, and after all administrative details between the company, his agent and his former employer had been settled he had started with 'Newsnight'.
He knew it wasn't like the show he had done before, with Mac. They'd had certain standards, they'd wanted to bring real news to the viewers, inform the electorate. But without Mac he had lost all interest in pursuing a higher goal. All he'd cared about were the ratings, showing him that at least his audience loved him. As long as he showed them what they wanted to see, they would not turn their back on him, and so he mostly focused on stars and starlets, scandals in politics, weather catastrophes and the newest technical gimmicks.
He knew that Charlie was secretly disappointed in him. More than once he had tried to steer Will towards following a more ambitious approach with the show, to use the skills he had acquired as a prosecutor and to try and shape the debate, just as he had done with Mac at his side. But Will's agent had negotiated that he was solely responsible for the content of the show, and his ratings were too good to force him to do anything differently.
He had become a cable news star, responsible for ACN's horrendous advertising profits in prime time. He earned the salary to prove it, but the dark hole inside him, the loneliness, had stayed with him throughout. Until now, that he had seen Mac again and held her in his arms.
Having been confronted with her alleged death had stirred something deep within him. Not just the relief and happiness that she was alive; although Mac had been right when she'd appeared in New York a couple days ago. That day he had simply been so overwhelmed to see her, to know that she wasn't dead, that all his feelings about why she had left in the first place didn't get a chance to surface.
But even though he had thought a lot about their past during the time he had believed her to be dead, nothing really had been resolved. For this they would need to talk, and while a part of him dreaded it he was also looking forward to this encounter. With the information she had given him in her e-mails he felt better prepared for it, in contrast to the day when she had told him bout Brian two years ago; then he had simply been shocked. Now he was realizing that he had been given a second chance, one he had not believed he would ever get.
He smiled when he thought about the text Mac had sent him after arriving at the airport to fly to London three days ago:
'You are a crazy and presumptuous but also very sweet idiot... Thank you!'
As soon as she had left his apartment, not letting him take her to the airport, he had arranged an upgrade into First Class on the British Airways flight for her. He had intended to have her believe that the airline did it on it's own accord, but naturally she had figured it out. So let her think it was unnecessary and extravagant; she had obviously been in pain and he'd wanted her to be as comfortable as possible.
He hadn't even thought about it before calling the airline, but now, with a little distance to the first exhilarating hours after finding out she was alive, he liked to see it as a first step to make it up to her that he had been an absolut jackass two years ago and ever since. It didn't matter if there was a future for the both of them, she deserved it.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
When Mac walked into the arrival hall at London Heathrow early next morning British time, luggage in tow, she could see that her parents were already waiting for her. Her father appeared calm and composed, obviously in diplomat mode, but her mother seemed anxious with her head turning between the different gates her daughter could possibly come out of.
When she was about twenty feet away her mother spotted her amidst the crowd and with an excited „Edward!" she disentangled herself from her husband's arm and almost ran to meet her daughter. When she reached her she unceremoniously pulled her into a tight embrace, not able to hide her tears.
„Oh Sweetheart, MacKenzie, you really are here! I couldn't believe it when Liz called, I..." Claire McHale broke off. Overcome by her emotions she held Mac even closer, but immediately let go again when she heard her take a sharp breath. „Are you alright, Honey?"
Forcing a smile on her face while breathing through the pain Mac nodded. „I'm okay, just a little bruised, Mom." She didn't intend to tell her mother about the shooting incident in the middle of the airport, so she quickly went on, squeezing her hand. „It's so good to see you; I couldn't wait for the plane to arrive."
In the meantime her father had closed up to them. With a wide smile he opened his arms and without any hesitation Mac let herself fall into them. „My little poppet..."
„Daddy!" Mac pressed her head into his shoulder and closed her eyes. She couldn't possibly love her mother more, but she had always had a special relationship with her father. She was the one of his children that was as interested in politics as he was, leading to heated discussions already during her teenage years, and he had always supported her in the decisions she had made – Except for the last, almost fatal one two years ago.
With a kiss to Mac's head he finally let go of her and looked into her eyes. „Let's go home." Taking the handle of her trolley case he led the way while her mother put her arm around her shoulder to hold her close while following her husband.
Once they arrived home Mac was ushered up to her room by to freshen up. She didn't complain and after a long, refreshing shower she put a new bandage on her wound and then went downstairs again.
She found Claire in the kitchen, preparing an opulent English breakfast as she always did on the first day of any of Mac's visits. Though normaly only eating something light in the mornings Mac always indulged her and actually treasured this little tradtion of welcoming her home.
Stepping up to her cutting some fruit while keeping an eye on the bacon in the frying pan at the same time, Mac placed a kiss on her cheek and offered to help, but – also almost a tradition – was waved off with an appreciative smile. „Thanks, Darling, but you just go find you father; I believe he's in the study. I'll come and get you when everything is ready.
With a squeeze to her mother's shoulder she did as she was told but found Edward McHale in the little garden behind the house instead of the study. When she stepped up to him he smiled at her, but nevertheless she could clearly see that the last days had taken its toll. He looked tired and the sad lines that were engraved in his face hadn't completely disappeared yet.
Linking her arm with him she leaned her forehead against his shoulder and let herself relax, enjoying the colorful display of hyacinths and tulips in front of her. After a few minutes of comfortable silence she sighed. „I'm sorry for worrying you all so much, Daddy..."
Edward carefully squeezed her arm. „I am certain you had a good reason for letting us believe you were dead." Mac smiled to herself; of course her father would not criticize her or show any doubt in her judgement. Just when she wanted to answer though her mother appeared on the terrace and called for them to come in.
„Let's go inside, I will tell you both."
Back inside her mother had served up a perfect English breakfast, and after indulging in a round of bacon and eggs Mac started to recount her story, getting all the expected reactions at the appropriate moments. As her parents were both used to dealing with sensitive information she told them the whole story, and their relief was palpable when she told them that the terrorist cell no longer existed.
„Oh Honey, I am so glad you are safe." Her mother put her hand over hers. „Are you sure your wound has been treated as it should? Maybe you should go and see Dr. Ellis."
„Everything is fine, Mom, it just needs time to heal. But thanks." Her daughter gave her a grateful smile.
„Alright then..." Buttering a piece of toast her mother then nonchalantly went on. „Well, surely Will was happy when you called him?"
Mac's expression changed to something resembling embarrassment, and suddenly she was absolutely fascinated by playing with a slice of grapefruit on her plate, pushing it from one side to the other with her fork. Feeling her mother's piercing look she finally shrugged. „I didn't call him, I just showed up in New York... I needed to see him..."
Claire wasn't able to hide a small, satisfied smile and encouraged her husband with a wave of her hand. „You should tell her what he said on the phone, Edward."
Now Mac looked up and met her father's eyes, who actually grinned at her. „Well, William was devastated when he called. He said, and I quote, that you are the love of his life and that there will never be anybody else."
Feeling a rush of warmth running through her body Mac only managed to gape at him for a moment, but then she collected herself and looked down at her plate again while mumbling „That was an exceptional situation, he was in shock and surely didn't mean what he was saying."
„I wouldn't be so sure about that, MacKenzie. He also insisted that it was his fault that you went to the Middle East and said he had also played a part in your splitting up."
„He did not."
„He most certainly did... I know, it's none of my business, but taking my experience in getting opposing sides to a table into account, I would say the two of you should talk..." Edward McHale still smiled at her, but didn't say anything more.
Mac had difficulties to form a clear thought. She had wanted to see Will in New York to figure out whether the whole situation had mellowed his opinion of her and, if she was truly lucky, maybe about what had happened between them. What she had never expected him to do was to skip over several steps and admit even to himself that he still loved her, let alone to other people. Finally, aware of her parent's eyes still focused on her, she lifted her head, a tiny, unbelieving smile playing around her lips. „I guess I should call him..." And after checking her watch to figure out what time it was in New York. „...later."
Changing the subject by asking about her siblings her parents, having said what they had wanted to say, played along.
„Liz and Josy will come by after work tonight, but Michael and Sheila won't be able to make it before Saturday. They'll bring Aunt Muriel and Uncle Henry; they all want to see you." Her mother gave a firm squeeze to Mac's hand and then quickly wiped another tear from the corner of her eye. „Another cup of tea, Dear?"
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
After they had finished breakfast Mac quickly helped her mother to clean up the kitchen and then excused herself to go to her room. She really needed some time alone to think about what she had just heard.
Will had said he still loved her? She was the love of his life?
If that was true, why hadn't he said anything while she was in New York?
Sure, she had said she didn't want to talk while he was still under the influence of seeing her again so unexpectedly, but she had been thinking along the lines of a full-blown discussion about what she had done to him, not something like that!
Maybe... She hated to think it, but maybe he hadn't meant it? Had only said it because of the situation?
Should she ask him about it?
She was tempted, but no, she couldn't, at least not right away. Better wait how this new, fragile relationship would develop. However, she did check the time and seeing that it was almost 6:30 a.m. in New York she sent off a text to Will, as she had promised to let him know when she arrived.
'All well, don't want to wake you. Have a good day.'
Only a few seconds later her phone rang and she couldn't suppress a smile. „You are awake early."
„I was waiting for your call..."
„Mmh..." Mac sat down on her bed and scooted up to lean against the headboard, crossing her ankles „I didn't want to call in the middle of the night."
„You could have... The flight was alright?"
„I already said that you are an idiot, but yes, thank you." She was really thankful to him for getting her a better seat on the plane and eased the affectionate insult with a smile she was sure he could hear over the phone. „I really appreciate it."
Satisfied that he had been able to make her more comfortable on the flight he still shrugged it off. „Don't mention it... How are your parents?"
Suddenly the background noise changed and Mac suspected that Will had stepped out on the terrace. „They were happy to see me. It's going to be nice to be with them for a few days."
„I bet... Tell them I said 'hello', will you?"
„Of course. Will you be working today?"
„Yeah..." Taking a sip of what was probably coffee he continued. „No reason to stay home anymore."
„Good... You should try and get a little more sleep, sorry I have woken you up."
„You didn't wake me, but yeah, I should grab another hour... We'll talk later?"
A little firework was set off in her stomach, and she was grateful that he actually wanted to keep in touch. „I'll call you tonight, okay?"
„Yeah... And Mac?"
„Mmh?"
„Enjoy the time with your parents."
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
After a quiet day she had used to catch up on some sleep she woke up in time for dinner, for which they were joined by her sisters Josy and Liz as well as her fiancé Scott. More tears were shed, but then they spent a wonderful evening catching up.
Later though, thanks to the hopscotching through different time zones during the past days, she was wide awake while her parents had already been asleep for hours, so she tuned into ACN International to watch Will's show. She hadn't had the chance to do that often while overseas, so she enjoyed seeing him in his element now. Nevertheless she had to acknowledge that the direction of the show had changed considerably since their days together. It had become a slick, unruffled program for a mainstream audience, no rough edges, no challenges, no critical topics were touched and no in-depths interviews conducted.
Mac was taken aback. This was not the Will she knew and with whom she had once done a show that was aimed at viewers who were discerning and wanted to be informed about what was going on in the world.
When she had caught a rare snippet of 'Newsnight' in the Middle East she had thought she had tuned into a segment that had simply been really really bad, but now she realized that his whole show was done at exactly this level. Suddenly she knew where his numbers and consequently his salary hike came from and she shook her head. She couldn't imagine him being happy with this type of show.
Of course they would have loved to have his current rating for their old format, but in the end the content had always been more important to them. For her it still was, so what the fuck had happened to him?
You have happened, a little voice inside her reminded her, but she immediately shook her head, dismissing the idea that it was her sole responsibility. Will was his own man and even if she had been the initial trigger for this sorry excuse of a news show he was now delivering night after night, he knew well enough that he was renouncing himself and his standards, and that this wasn't why he had gone into the news business.
A few minutes after he was off the air she called Will and didn't have to wait long for him to pick up. „Mac, hi."
„Hi yourself." Snuggling deeper into her covers she waited for him to say more.
„How come you're not asleep?"
Mac heard a rustling noise and, barely containing a nostalgic sigh, imagined Will changing from his on-air suit into his everyday clothes. „Well, I promised you I'd call... So I used the opportunity to watch your show; I couldn't do that too often lately."
The sound of clothing being removed stopped, and Will didn't say anything for a moment, but then his voice sounded slightly uncomfortable. „You did...? That's nice..."
He didn't ask for her thoughts about what she had seen, just as she had expected, so she decided not to harp on about it. They continued to talk a little about their days before he told her to get some sleep when he stepped onto the elevator.
With a smile she hung up and turned off the light. How had she missed to be able to talk to Will during the last years, and she was simply grateful that a normal conversation between them was possible again.
Making a mental note to tune into his show the following evening she closed her eyes and quickly fell asleep.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The following day she spent with her mother in the city to do some shopping. Her wardrobe definitely needed a little improvement after she had mostly worn jeans and khaki pants and blouses in the desert, and they came home with about a dozen bags full of clothes.
She found her father in his study and decided to join him with a book on the couch as she had so often done before. After a while though she noticed that her father had stopped writing, and when she looked up she saw that his eyes were focused on her.
„Is everything alright, Dad?"
„Fine, Poppet. I'm just enjoying seeing you there... I thought that would never happen again..."
Closing her book she slowly got up and walked up to his desk to put her arms around his neck from behind. „Oh Daddy, I know... I really am so sorry for putting you through this."
Edward McHale smiled and and covered her hands with his. „I'm not blaming you and neither is your mother. We both know that sometimes there are things you simply have to do... I'm just saying, it's good to have you here."
Mac smiled into his neck and after squeezing him tightly for a moment she placed a kiss to his cheek and went back to the couch. Nestling back into the corner she was about to reopen her book when her father spoke again.
„Have you talked to William yet?"
„Jeez, Dad, I really wish you would start calling him Will..."
„All in its own time... He has to earn it, for now he still is a Repubilcan nitwit, that hasn't changed." Easing his words with a wink he went on. „But you didn't answer my question, Poppet."
Mac sighed again. „Yeah, we've talked on the phone a couple of times."
„And?"
„I did not tell him that you told me what he said, if that's what you are getting at."
Edward McHale looked a little surprised. „Why not?"
Taking her time his daughter thought about her answer. „I... I don't know... What if he didn't mean it? What if he just said it because he was in shock and only thought it was true? And anyhow, don't you think that's something he should tell me?"
Her father gave her a sympathatic look. „What if he is afraid you don't feel the same? Did you tell him that you love him since your return?"
Slowly shaking her head Mac reflected on that day in New York.
She had surely dropped hints; why else would she have rushed to see him and told him that she had needed to see his reaction to her not being dead? And he must have realized how relieved she had been that there was no rejection from his side and how much she had enjoyed their hugs. Also she did tell him that she wanted to talk when she came back, but she had to admit that none of these actions had clearly signaled that she was still in love with him.
With a wry smile she looked at her father. „Do you think I should tell him I know?"
„That's a decision only you can make, but do you really want to lose more time just because neither of you dares to grab the bull by the horns?"
Mac couldn't help but chuckle at this image but then she nodded.
„I'll think about it, Dad."