The first sound Alexander heard as he woke up was him falling out of his bed. The clock on the wall had its hand set to sometime in the afternoon, implying Alexander stayed up most of the night. What he did? Complete every last bit of work Thomas had given him until he could no longer keep himself awake with music.
Alexander scrolled through his feed with an empty look in his eyes, nothing better to do. He felt awful for messing up his sleep schedule, but it wasn't like he had anything to do today. With a quick glance at the calendar, and doubts in his head, his fear had come true again. He had forgotten about the firework show.
The color wheel poster hung on the wall next to it, taunting him. It was hard not to want to experience the explosion of fireworks in full color. He once thought he was done with wanting, but that was thrown away once he started feeling pangs of envy upon seeing other couples. He hadn't felt envy before, but now it was like a bitter taste in his mouth.
Alexander shot a text to Laurens, saying he was getting ready. Though the show started at eight, there was a lot of work that needed to be done with himself. Both physically and mentally. After thinking this over in the shower, Alexander decided to put on his signature coat, which quickly warmed him up after a particularly cold shower. Not for any reason other than the water heater wasn't working, of course.
But when he reached for his desk to grab his gloves, his hands only met wood. His mind ran a million miles per hour as he tried to remember where he last put him. Those gloves were his barrier, he couldn't just lose them.
Wait a second. Did he ever get his gloves back from Laurens? Alexander reached for his phone, ready to call Laurens to calmly ask him to please return his gloves. Like he was going into withdrawal, he worried when Laurens didn't pick up.
Alexander then realized that it was a very real possibility that he would have to suck it up and go out. Maybe it would turn out okay. Maybe he'd be okay. Maybe he wouldn't ruin everything. Oh god, he was spiraling.
He tried to focus on the positive. Maybe he'd find his soulmate somehow, through some weird twist of fate. He held his hands still, but his heart still raced. When had his apartment become so small?
Then his phone lit up, a subtle reminder that he was grounded. Alexander took a quick look at the text from Hercules and froze. Hercules had texted him, "How are you and Laurens doing?"
"What do you mean?" Alexander replied, thinking this was some kind of joke. They were doing fine, nothing was wrong with what they had. Was something wrong? Alexander wondered if something happened to the other.
He was surprised when all he got back was, "Okay, to the point is your style. You have a crush on him? Thanks for forcing me to use the most middle school word ever." Well, shocked would be a more appropriate word. They had known each other for weeks, though Alexander supposed that was a good amount of time to not sound pathetic when you call someone close. Did he? That was the good question.
As soon as they met, Alexander had been noticing how Hercules and Lafayette would subtly point him out. He had brushed it off, but now it seemed like they knew something he didn't. Back to the question Alexander didn't seem to know how to answer. He wasn't sure if he wanted to date Laurens.
For example, he could be misinterpreting his feelings and wasting everyone's time like he always thought he did. Or he could pass up this opportunity and watch Laurens get married to some dude. Oh god, did Laurens even like dudes? What if Laurens ran off with someone like Jefferson? And then on their wedding day, Laurens flips him off in a wedding dress as Jefferson hands him his termination notice?
He needed to stop overthinking. Laurens probably wouldn't like Jefferson in that way. Just in case, he called Thomas in a frenzy. "Hello?" Thomas greeted, unsure about the unscheduled call he got from the other.
"Yes, hello Thomas. Don't take this the wrong way, but are you in a relationship?" Alexander got out quickly, disgusted he was even asking that to him.
Thomas was speechless for a few seconds, only saying, "Why do you need to know this? To answer your question, yes, I am in a happy relationship." Alexander celebrated, maybe a bit too loud. Thomas then asked, "So is that rumor about you being a homewrecker true?"
"What? No!" Alexander responded quickly. Thomas laughed on the other end, and Alexander realized it was a joke. He didn't realize people like Thomas could make those. When Thomas had nothing more to say, Alexander took the liberty of hanging up, throughly embarrassed.
So one of his worries were gone. On the subject of whether he liked Laurens, he had finally made up his mind. He thought that he should give it a shot, since something had to be there if Alexander had managed to open up so quickly. It was almost like Laurens was the magnet to Alexander, him being a metal wedge forcing himself into his group.
A sense of dread overwhelmed him as he heard a knock on his door. He opened it to find both Lafayette and Hercules, smiling widely. "Where's Laurens?" Alexander asked without thinking.
"He went ahead of us," Lafayette said, "Us, on the other hand, have the duty of picking you up." The two, both smirking, led Alexander downstairs to get him inside their car. Alexander assumed that this car was shared as well.
Hercules asserted himself in the passenger seat and grinned at Lafayette. "Fine, I'll drive," Lafayette said without asking. Alexander watched as Hercules looked at the mirror facing him. He wondered if Hercules was going to ask what his answer was.
Alexander supposed he'd rip off the bandage. Or throw away the grenade before it explodes, a more accurate phrase for his confused state. "Herc," he called, making sure he was paying attention, "To answer your text, yes."
Lafayette silently celebrated, hinting to Alexander that the two exchange secrets like some sort of gossip mill. Alexander shrugged it off, anything he told Hercules he was fine with telling Lafayette. Lafayette sped off, giving Alexander a warning that he should probably buckle up.
"So why exactly is Laurens not with you guys?" Alexander questioned the two. Then he froze. Did they kidnap him?
Lafayette took a quick glance back at him and said, "He's fine, better than fine now that we gave him a whole new look."
"We literally just put a new outfit on him, Laf. But considering he's either in his uniform or some combination of t-shirt and jeans, this is an entirely new look," Hercules explained. Alexander was confused but satisfied with the vague answer. He wondered if he should say something in response.
Alexander watched as the two discuss how they discovered their status as soulmates. Apparently, it was a game of tag. It was hard not to feel bad as he was stuffed with stories about primary school romance. He wondered how Laurens survived these two everyday.
The rest of the ride went in silence, at least for Alexander. The two in the front chatted endlessly about various topics. One minute it's the economy, and then it's about granola bars. How that jump was made, Alexander would never know.
"I had to rip the chocolate from John's hands," Hercules said. Alexander perked up. What did he miss in this conversation? "I swear he turns all of his stress into sugar cravings. You wouldn't have any idea what he's nervous about, right?"
They both couldn't stop themselves from laughing. Apparently Alexander was being excluded from some sort of secret about Laurens. "We're here," Lafayette said, stopping the car.
Once Lafayette had parked, Alexander got out to greet someone tapping their foot impatiently. He froze in his place, not entirely believing that the outfit was the only thing changed about Laurens. "See how much more amazing you look when you get clothes your size?" Lafayette encouraged, smiling at Laurens.
"You didn't tell me they would take an hour to get every single one of my measurements," Laurens complained, "Somebody please take his money away."
"Dibs," Alexander said, finally finding something to say. He wondered how he was going to control himself without his gloves. He couldn't just start shaking hands.
Lafayette ran off, probably spotting someone he knew. Hercules gave a knowing look to Alexander and sped off to keep up with his partner. "I'm guessing you're uncomfortable," Alexander assumed.
John shrugged. "It doesn't look that bad on me. I just don't like... dressy stuff."
"How did you survive prom night?" The other asked, snickering.
"Too soon, Alex. Too soon," Laurens responded, "I was serving hungover teens the next morning, and that's my prom experience." If nervous tough guys were a thing, as contradictory as it seemed, Laurens would be the walking definition of one. Lafayette was walking back with two other people.
Wait. As they got clearer and clearer, Alexander could not deny that was the face of Thomas. And then his heart dropped. "Madison?" he guessed. He resisted the urge to groan. Of course he had to be here.
"Alex, hey..." the man greeted, rubbing his neck. "How are you?"
Alexander admitted he was still a nice guy. A nice guy that backstabbed him, but still polite. "How's your upgrade?" Alexander merely asked, shrugging. Thomas glared at him.
"Okay, wow," Madison said, "Glad to see you got over it so well." Lafayette tensed up, probably about to ask about the situation. There were still bitter feelings in the air, and Thomas was ready to pummel Alexander.
"Um, hi you two," Laurens said, a little too positive for the moment. "I'm John Laurens. Alexander has told me so much about you guys." Madison rolled his eyes, knowing everything Alexander had said was negative towards the two.
Madison then smiled. "It was a pleasure to meet you. I'm going to go set up the chairs, Thomas." The group followed him though, leaving Alexander and Laurens alone.
"We have to sit next to them," Alexander blankly said, "I don't want to." His face went hot, usually the first symptom of frustrated crying. "I don't want to remember that stuff. It only holds me back." That was the only way he could really put into words why it hurt. He didn't want to date Madison, far from it, but it was in his instincts to feel betrayed.
Laurens sighed. "Alex, it'll get better. The memories won't fade, but you can make better ones." He thought to himself for a moment, his face unreadable. "Here, let's try something. Tell me the absolute first thing you said to Madison."
Alexander quietly chuckled, wiping one of his eyes. "Wanna know what this jacket's made of?"
"Alex, please tell me it's not—"
"Boyfriend material," Alexander said, interrupting Laurens' complaint. "No wonder he ran off," he continued, not at all serious by this point.
"I'd be too confused to run off," Laurens said, then asking, "Hey, Alex, can I let you in on something?" Alexander shrugged, expecting some kind of conspiracy theory or Laurens joking that he was actually a cyborg. Laurens sighed. "Okay, so I didn't want to mess this up..."
The rant continued, "So I asked Laf to help me out with this. Herc kind of encouraged me to invite you, and I guess they just wanted to make sure we were... y'know." So the two had been planning something, Alexander was right in suspecting something was off. "And the point I'm trying to make is that I really don't want to hurt you because—"
"It's okay," Alexander said, seeing that Laurens was anxious as well. "I'm nervous too, if that helps." That didn't seem to help, Laurens looked as if he were about to rant again. "And you don't have to protect me from some truth, I'm just glad for some honesty," Alexander said, finally racking up enough courage to do the unimaginable. He hugged Laurens, closing his eyes and stalling the fact that he would face what would happen next.
He opened his eyes, ready to see something, anything. But all he saw were the same shades of gray.
It was just monochrome.
He had his hopes pinned that it would be Laurens, but fate apparently wanted him with someone else if everything he believed was true. "Laurens, can we go to the chairs? I think I'm ready." In reality, he was drained, frustrated, needy, and other awful moods.
"Y-Yeah, let's go," Laurens said, trying to cover up the awkward air around them. They walked together, but Alexander resisted the urge to hold John's hand. He had given in with Madison, and look where that got them. If they weren't meant to be, what was the point of trying to tempt fate?
"I heard they're giving out sparklers," John said, putting his hands in his pockets. Alexander goes a bit faster, which prompted Laurens to comment, "Can't our friends wait?" He was suggesting alone time. Alexander wasn't sure if he could handle that, not anymore. He supposed it was human instinct to want to avoid the person responsible for your pain, though Laurens was innocent.
The fireworks went off in the sky just before the group saw them. Alexander couldn't even control himself for a minute. He felt awful as he put Laurens' hand in his own. John's face was still unreadable. Shocked? Confused? Amazed? He couldn't tell.
After tonight, the gloves were sure to come back on. After tonight, he might need to cut himself off. But he took what he had for a moment. Then he realized how close Hercules and Lafayette had gotten, and he stopped making contact with Laurens. The smile on John's face dropped, noticing the two as well.
"Well," Lafayette started, smiling widely, "As usual, I get the job done." Alexander sighed, knowing he was eventually going to have to tell Hercules and Lafayette. But Laurens was his priority. Was he ever going to acknowledge the fact that he didn't see color? Did Laurens care?
Alexander felt the guilt piling up again, and he tried to focus on Laurens. Maybe it was delayed. He's supposed to see something, that's how it worked. Love came with a saturated and colorful world, he was promised that. So were his feelings faked? Maybe he was fake. But he knew he needed to go.
He walked over to Thomas, who was staring at the sky in bliss. "Thomas, can I apologize for recent events that have occured?" he asked, trying to get only his attention. Unfortunately, Madison looked up as well.
Thomas exhaled, saying, "You want me to stage some sort of situation so you can leave because of your feelings and shit." Harsh, but completely right.
"Yes, that'd be more than enough," Alexander said.
Thomas was about to say something, but Madison nudged him. Alexander looked at them in confusion. He would never understand how soulmates could communicate like that. Thomas finally answered with, "Go. I'll make up something."
Alexander was lucky he recognized the area, it made it easy to just bolt then and there. After a few minutes of walking down the sidewalks, Thomas texted him, "Told them there was an emergency meeting. Madison also told me to tell you to take care of yourself."
He sighed, knowing Madison was right. He was always right, but he was still wrong. Alexander knew he wasn't worth taking care of. He'd never see color, and now it bothered him. So he wasn't just back on square one, he was on square zero. With nowhere else to go but his home.
It hurt every step he took away from the park, and by the time he was home, he was emotionally drained. Everything was changing. Once, he was sure that change was good, but now he wasn't sure.
Naturally, his friends spammed him with messages, but he couldn't bring himself to turn off the notifications. If he did, it would feel like he was letting go. Would he go into some kind of withdrawal? Like they were a drug, and he knew how bad for him it would be to stay with them.
He had managed to find that soulmate quiz again. Apparently his soulmate's initials could have the letters J, M, E, or T. Alexander sighed, mumbling a quick, "Love you too, fate." He then found it in himself to go to sleep.
Throughout the week, it didn't get better. Somehow, Alexander had come down with something. He always was reaching out to some kind of food, he was craving sweets. But he couldn't keep anything down, so what was the point?
His phone lit up from a message. Thomas had texted him, "Alex? I know you probably think I'm a dick for asking, but I seriously need to know if you're still alive. I'm not sending a paycheck to a dead person."
Alexander tried to go back to sleep. He really did, but then he got a call. Again, it was Thomas. He was expecting the other's usual passive-aggressive nature, but all he got was Thomas trying not to sound pissed off with, "Oh, so now he answers."
"Only to tell you to stop trying to talk to me, it's not worth it," Alexander said, too tired to care what Thomas did to him.
Thomas sighed, asking, "Are you seriously thinking I'll just stand here and let you treat me like this? I will—"
"What are you going to do?" Alexander asked, "Fire me? As if. I'm going through something, Jefferson, and we don't all have the privilege of being blind to their own problems." He took a quick breath and continued, "And another thing, Jefferson. I'm pretty sick of you thinking you own me. If you really want me gone, pick up a goddamn English class and get me out of your hair, you insufferable prick."
He could hear the shaky patience Thomas was trying to show him. "Fine," Thomas said, "Get mad at me. See where that takes you. Or you could suck it up, turn it off, and keep on living like the rest of us do." And then Thomas hung up.
His ringtone called to him every few hours, but he couldn't bring himself to mute everyone. He wanted alone time, but he didn't want to feel truly alone. But he was going to address what he knew. He loved Laurens, and he wasn't sure if Laurens loved him back.
Even George felt the need to text him, thinking he was dead. Alexander hadn't done anything to convince him otherwise. He might as well be dead, because he felt drained and strained to the point where he considered the thought.
But for now, he kept himself in bed, distracting himself with mindless work and the sounds of music. After all, the only time he felt mildly useful was when it was just him. Maybe he could be okay with it being just him, for the rest of his life.