A/N: kate3110, I was in quite a dilemma while I was writing Vivian, because she is in a difficult position and I'm not sure I'm delivering her struggles appropriately. That goes for Sirius, too... But I'm glad you like it! I hope I'm fulfilling the expectations with this one... And it has a little of Remus and Tonks, too! :D
Disclaimer: Everything you recognise is JKR's, the rest is my imagination :D
Not so tough road anymore
The morning after my little victory over Sirius' stubbornness brought another joyful couple of moments. I woke up and washed up like every other morning, choosing frilly blue summer dress for today and feeling instantly better when I realized it was a couple degrees cooler than the day before. I pulled the curtains and opened the windows, letting slight wind blow into the room and I got out, trotting down the stairs and tying my long, black hair up in the same time, pondering all the ways to get a new haircut… Maybe ask Molly to cut my hair, or to find some manual on magically cutting it by myself? While I was waging all the possibilities and making a first world problem out of one little haircut, I got into the kitchen while checking out my loose strands of hair in the glass of one of the cabinets and greeted everyone, not even glancing around myself. Only when I sat down next to Arthur and across from Remus, I realized Sirius' place for the table was occupied by none other than- Sirius. For the change, he wasn't lounging comfortably in his chair. Actually, he was looking quite out of place and displeased, like someone woke him up and dragged him down here…I quickly glanced at Remus as that thought crossed my mind. He looked up from his newspaper and smiled kindly, but with a little strained tug on his lips and I instantly knew he had something to do with Sirius' decision to join us for the breakfast.
''Remus, can you please help me bring the plates?'' I asked mildly, casting one threatening glance to Remus.
As he started to get up, Arthur decided to be a logical snowflake. ''Why don't you just conjure all you need?''
I looked at him utterly unamused, while Sirius ignored us all, not bothering to join the conversation, although his uninterested eyes shifted to meet mine.
''Where's the morning pleasure in that?'' I asked cheerfully, suddenly trying to become a happy ray of sunshine, even though I hated mornings as the most unnecessary parts of the day. Why couldn't we all just… oversleep it or something? Night was way better for doing things and living.
Remus nodded enthusiastically, trying to get away from there to the safe depths of dishes and old shelves and Arthur just shrugged, and just when I thought we could leave the damned dining area, Sirius decided to speak up and shock me into silence.
''You're not a morning person.'', his quiet, hoarse voice drew our attention on him and as he said it, he looked as shocked with himself as I felt. He actually remembered. His eyes widened just for a fraction of a second and then he looked down, with a little wrinkle on his forehead which appeared whenever he frowned. Then he made a little movement, as if trying to decide should he stay for the table or just disappear in his room and I just couldn't afford the latter. We barely managed to drag him down here, for Merlin's sake! So I quickly got a grip on myself.
''Well, I am for this morning, and I feel like arranging the table! Remus, kitchen, now!'' I tried to sound normal and restrain my voice from cracking, barely succeeding.
''What the hell was that?! Did you hear that?! He actually said the sentence which couldn't offend you in any way!" Remus' confused whisper could be heard amongst Molly's chattering around.
''Molly, can you please go to the pantry and check are there any oranges left? I feel like having the orange juice.'' I quickly cut off Remus, smiling at the petite woman.
''Of course, my dear! I could make some for kids, too, it's good you reminded me!'' Molly trotted to the pantry and I turned to Remus again.
''Does that matter now, really? How did you get him out of the bed? Where do I put these vitamins? You know he has strong sense of smell, if he realizes we are actually helping, he'll sulk for weeks!'' I was speaking in hurried, hushed tone, praying for Sirius to remain seated.
''We'll just pour it in his coffee and he'll not be able to sense it! Oh, it was very troublesome to get him out of there. I spent fifteen good minutes outside his room, giving him dozens of good reasons to get up, and trust me, it was tiring. I think I tired him out too, because here he is!'' Remus was still whispering while hiding the vial with the rest of the potion on the same place as before.
''And what do you mean, it doesn't matter?! Of course it matters! He was actually civil to you, and speaking about something which you two had shared once upon a time!''
''Don't get all enthusiastic over one damn sentence, Remus! He just blurted out something he knew about me accidentally, and that's all!'' I don't know if I was trying to convince Remus or myself.
And as we started to arrange table, that monotonous deed gave my mind the time to go far, far back into the past, where I was trying not to go for years. One particular, probably my favorite moment stuck into my brain and made me feel painfully nostalgic. It was the one memory of one spring morning, of one unimportant day, but I remembered it oh so clearly.
I was staying at his that night and some noise coming from the kitchen, probably from Lily, ever the early riser, woke me up very early for my standards. I remembered it was weekend and our free day and I slowly opened my eyes, only to close them quickly because of the bright rays coming through the half-shut blinds. I remembered his arm, so familiar and warm, draped around my stomach, so vividly, I could almost feel it right there, a decade later. I remembered musky scent surrounding me as a reminder of our lazy, tipsy love making after the night of the partying. I remembered turning slowly to face him, only to see just his closed lids, while his nose and mouth were buried under the white cotton sheets and his forehead was hidden under messy, black, soft mop of hair. I remembered me slowly sliding the cover off his face, just to see it on the bright sunshine, just to admire it while it wasn't annoying me with snarky remarks. I remembered the huge urge to brush his hair off his forehead and eyes and stroke it just to feel its softness. I remembered his lips forming in one genuine lazy smile, and he slowly opened those grey eyes, blinking sleep away.
''Vivian, honey, are you okay?'' Molly snapped me out of it and everybody watched me perplexed, while I was standing and holding a couple of forks, totally lost in my little memory lane. Everybody, except Sirius, of course. He was reading the newspaper, seemingly ignoring my existence.
''Oh, I'm fine, sorry. Just zoned out a little.'' I smiled and sat down, casting one glance at the man I couldn't recognize anymore, and for some reason feeling miserable.
After the breakfast and Remus and me expectantly watching very uncomfortable looking Sirius while he was taking small bites of toast, we heard some noise coming from the hallway and ignored it-it was probably just Tonks. And of course, we heard boisterous laughter and the next thing was her bursting through the door of the kitchen, loudly laughing at something Bill had said to her.
''You two are getting along pretty well, huh?'' Molly asked with warm glint in her eyes. She had a soft spot for the clumsy girl and she was subtly trying to push her to Bill. Fred and George started to taunt Bill, Ginny snickered and Bill just laughed it off, while Tonks started to be all awkward and I could see her casting frequent glances at Remus, who had, by the way, blank face plastered on.
''Oh no, it's not…'' Tonks started to explain herself, but it didn't help much because the tips of her short hair started to turn red. If I didn't know better, I would think she had a crush on Bill… And apparently Remus thought exactly that, because now I could see one little muscle pulsing on his jaw, while he pretended to stir some milk in his tea.
So, naturally, I had to fix that. ''Oh no, I'm sure Dora has someone else on her mind, and she's over the moon for him.'' Remus suddenly choked on his tea, coughing loudly, Tonks' whole hair turned red along with her face, and by some miracle, nobody else noticed anything weird. They just waved off my comment, realizing I was pretty close friend of Tonks' for the last couple of weeks, so I naturally knew about her crushes. Remus choking on his tea was just a coincidence, of course. I smirked at my own sneakiness, mentally tapping myself on the back for making them think about each other while keeping their little feeling trip secretive. Only, I wasn't the only one who picked up that something was going on, and that really surprised me. Sirius cocked an eyebrow at my smirk, as if he was asking for some explanation. I just glanced at Remus, and Sirius followed my look, and seeing Remus all worked up and uncomfortable, he seemed even more confused. I just rolled my eyes and engaged Tonks in some conversation.
The noon just fled past us, with several Order members passing by, and after the lunch (where Remus slipped some vitamins in Sirius' soup), I was finally having some alone time with my new best friend, while we were cleaning up. Molly was upstairs, helping Hermione and Ginny to fix some old robes for boys, Bill, Fred and George side-apparated with Ron to The Burrow so they could play some quidditch, Remus was in Diagon Alley and Sirius was god knows where in the house.
''So, Dora, what's up with Remus?'' I didn't want to mention it to her earlier because I was waiting for her to come to me on her own, but since she didn't, I had to interrogate her.
''What do you mean?" Always loud and lively girl suddenly became quiet and reserved.
''Honey, don't play stupid with me, I've seen all of it.'' I grinned to relax her a little.
''It's just… He doesn't see me in that way.'' She mumbled, busying her hands with some leftover crumbles on the table.
''And how do you know that? Did you tell him you fancy him?'' I flicked my wand at some plates to start washing themselves.
''Of course I didn't! He thinks I'm a child, and stupid and inexperienced. It would be too weird for me to tell him!'' Tonks ranted with horror-struck face.
''Oh, don't make that mistake! Just tell him, for Christ's sake! You can't possibly know what he thinks of you until you tell him! And, by the way, from what I've seen today, I think he was a little wee bit jealous of Bill. After all, I know him much longer than you do.'' And that did it, some spark of hope flicked in her eyes and she smiled widely. Playing Cupid could be such fun, eh?
A couple of nights later, something suddenly woke me up at 2am. And now I knew exactly what it was as soon as I heard it. Moaning, growling, sobbing. And again, I had no idea what to do. Blood froze in my veins with painful screams and pleads Not James, please not James! And I shuddered, feeling fully awake but scared shitless. I had to wake him up, but if I step a foot into his room again he'll kill me probably. One particularly painful sob snapped me out of my dilemma and I ran to his room, with much more determination than the last time. And again, exactly the same scene was in front of me. Too dark to see anything but his barely lightened form twisting and turning, sweating and pleading for his demons to leave him alone. He was sleeping in some button-up white shirt which was sticking itself on his body, his blanket carelessly tangled around his legs.
''Sirius? Sirius! Wake up!'' Now I was shaking him roughly from the very beginning, remembering that he wouldn't hear or feel nothing softer. I can't describe how uncertain I felt in that moment. It was like I was hoping for him to wake up for his sake, but one small part of me hoped he would just keep sleeping so I wouldn't feel his rage when he sees me next to him. It was pretty fucked up situation, but I gathered all of my courage and soberness not to freak out.
And then he woke up, his hollow eyes suddenly snapping open, filled with fright, horror and pain. And unlike the last time, he was instantly awake. When he felt my arms on his bony shoulders he quickly grabbed his wand and pushed me off him, on the floor, with madness and paranoia washing all over him. Now I hit my head and yelped, my courage leaving me for a moment while he was looking down on me with spite and wand pointed at my head. When he saw me more clearly, his eyes accustoming on the darkness, he calmed down a little, but now annoyance mixed with shame crossed his worn face.
''I think I told you I don't want you in here.'' He growled, his voice rising with each syllable.
''So I just ought to leave you to drown into your own nightmares? I don't think so.'' My voice was breathy and squeaky at first, but I found some motivation to sound more firmly. With my newfound boldness came his little shock and he lifted his wand and sat down on the edge of the bed, looking utterly exhausted and defeated.
''Just leave.'' He was looking at the one spot on the floor, next to my foot and I barely heard his command…. Or plead.
''No.'' I found my voice and said it clearly and roughly and he knew I was too stubborn to give in. I stood up and he cast one confused look at me, as if asking Why do you even bother? I sat next to him on the edge of the bed, on the respectable distance so he wouldn't freak out.
''Want to talk about it?'' I asked quietly, also looking at the wall, not daring to even glance at him.
''No.'' He answered after so long pause that I almost forgot what he was answering to.
''Okay.'' I was dying to ask him some questions, to find a way to stop nightmares. How often did this happen? Maybe I didn't hear him the other nights. What could we do to stop it? Maybe give him some calming draughts? No, that would only worsen his situation. We didn't need another addiction to add on his alcoholic problem. But I didn't ask any of it. I realized the best way to help in that moment is just to be there and be reliable enough.
So I just laid back on his bed from my sitting position, even if we were sitting horizontally, so my legs were dangling off the edge. I was looking backwards, to the street lights coming from the crack of the dark curtains on the big window, ignoring stickiness of his sheets and slight odor of the room which didn't see the fresh air for a long time. I could still sense some alcohol in the air, but in much less dose. And I was laying there, thinking about his coping with lack of his doping, not sensing one steady, analytical gaze in my direction. What startled me and shocked me into numbness was a feeling of bed shifting, then some weight appearing next to me. I quickly glanced at now laying Sirius, in the exact same position as me, with one foot separating us, looking at the ceiling.
A couple of minutes passed and I was on the verge of falling asleep, comfortable in my simple position, when I heard his rough, quiet baritone, yet again surprising me.
''So… You think my cousin and Moony should shag?'' I quickly looked at him, to see a little smirk on tired face. And I grinned and my heart skipped a beat. Even if it was a little rude and offensive remark to our friends, it made my weird little self quite happy. This is promising.