Another day had passed. It was mostly back to his old self, but definitely worse. He didn't know how to feel or how to go on. His now annoying ringtone played again. Laurens. Alexander ignored it.

He kept ignoring everyone. Even Lafayette's slightly condescending text saying, "Alex, please pick up. I promise whatever's going on isn't that bad. Just give us some sign you're not dead."

Laurens called him again and again, pulling at Alexander's heartstrings. Yet another part of his mind fell to Laurens and was telling him to just pick up and stop being a baby about it, and that was his logical side. What kind of logic is calling someone just to get hurt?

His logic, he supposed. Alexander sighed, swallowing pride he didn't know he had. He lips were dry, and he had only gotten up from bed to drink water and use the bathroom. He called Laurens back.

Laurens immediately picked up. He sounded crazed, stuttering out, "Alex… oh my god, you're not dead. God, I thought… I would've… You should've..." He sighed, not even bothering to be mad. And he wouldn't be completely wrong in assuming that he was dead, Alexander felt dead inside. Like how he used to, but at least back then all he felt was slight annoyance. Now it was a confusing mess of anger, loss, and grief, like how it was in his early years.

"Laurens, hi…" Alexander replied. He knew he was supposed to apologize, the mature thing to do. But if he were a little more mature, he wouldn't have ran off in the first place. He wouldn't have told Thomas to cover for him, he would've stayed.

"You didn't really have a meeting, did you?" Laurens said, sighing. That was enough to break Alexander's heart a little, finally seeing a bit of what he's been doing to Laurens. "Did I do anything?"

Alexander only responded with, "I'm sorry. Don't blame yourself, I was… scared, I guess. I'm bad with emotions."

Laurens responded in seconds, "Let's start from the beginning… Did… Did you see color?" Laurens was clearly struggling to get the question out, and Alexander knew he couldn't fake his answer.

"I didn't see any color," Alexander said, his eyes focused on the blank wall where his color wheel poster used to be. If he really was destined to be alone, he decided he didn't need the poster anymore. He was facing the truth that whatever he was feeling needed to change if he wanted something done.

The other was silent for a few moments, then he said, "But… Alex… That's gotta be impossible, I saw the colors. I just assumed you did too, and we could've just stayed. But it all fell apart, and I guess I know why now…"

"Laurens? You saw it?" Alexander asked, bursting at the seams with questions. "Then how come I didn't? Does that mean I'm not meant to be with you? What the hell does that even mean?" His heart felt confused, neither of the two knew how to answer his questions.

"Alex, can I ask you something?" Laurens inquired, his voice cracking from false positivity. Assuming Alexander would've said yes, he burst out, "Do you love me? And not like in a, 'Oh, if he were my soulmate, I wouldn't complain because dang.' I mean, actual love. Like, 'Maybe things haven't turned out perfectly, but I'll still be with him.'"

Alexander doesn't know why, but that's when he starts laughing. Maybe he was delirious because he hadn't eaten any food for a few days, or maybe he was really tired. "Laurens, I can say with full confidence that I would not have gone through all of these emotions if I didn't at least care about you," Alexander answered, "Which means yes, of course. Maybe? I'm not sure, but probably."

"Well, it's way better than you hating me," Laurens said, sniffling. Alexander could imagine the slightly pained but sly smile on John's face right now. Had he been crying too? It felt weird to Alexander, from what he could hear, Laurens was experiencing basically the same emotions as him. Embarrassment, confusion, but mostly relief. He heard the sound of clicking and Laurens typing. Maybe he was searching for an answer.

"Maybe the colors are late? No, that doesn't make any sense…" Laurens mumbled. There was silence between the two for a while as they were off doing their own thing. Alexander just took this moment to take in Laurens' voice and made up his mind about something. That something being that missing something you willingly cut yourself off from was definitely worse than missing something you've never had. It was like the feeling of withdrawal.

Lafayette's in the background, saying, "Laurens, we're going to start buying the knock-off brand ice cream. We can't afford your stress-eating." Most likely, Laurens was staying at home, probably not even bothering to go to work. It seemed like the type of thing he'd do.

Laurens protested quietly as he clicked and scrolled. He went silent, and then asked Alexander, "Describe what happened."

"I hugged you, and I think what I felt was like electricity. Not sure if that was real, but I felt it. And then before this call, it was painful to ignore you. And by that, I mean every part of me was aching, almost felt like vomiting," Alexander ranted. He was still aching, still a mess. But a mess that was figuring itself out. An okay mess.

Laurens sighed and admitted, "None of this makes any sense. I saw all of those beautiful colors, and it's just… Not fair, really." He was right, but Alexander had already accepted that he'd never see color. So why would he think differently now? All this time, fate had been controlling him and he always obsessed about what fate wanted, despite the fact that he believed he was in control.

In fact, all of his life, fate had screwed him over. His father married a woman who didn't know better that it wasn't going to be happy ending for her. He had people at college stare at him or outright torment him because he didn't care about color and he was outspoken about it. Everyday, he heard stories about soulmates meeting and all of their worries seemed so silly, and he felt like his problems just didn't matter. Was he not allowed to feel anxious about having to spend his life with a random person fate chooses? Was he supposed to man up? Like he should suck it up that it was hard adapting to the will of others, that he should change his attitude instead of expecting others to deal with him.

And he was done with fate. He did have control, and he didn't want to go through this. "Yeah, and you know what?" Alexander said, his throat still sore from crying, "Fuck fate, let's go do something. If we're willing to make this work, who the hell cares that we're not perfect soulmates? Fate can go suck a dick."

"All right," Laurens replied, laughing a little with the sound of shuffling in the background, "Let's hit the town, we're gonna do whatever soulmates do. Don't they have to seal bonds or something?"

Alexander felt his face go hot, knowing what that implied. "Yeah, but that'll come later. Let's just do something fun. You can choose, if you want but give me time to prepare, I look like hell."

"Definitely the park, we're going to redo everything. Nobody's going to run away, you in?" John's voice rambled, and it was nice to just take in everything. He had denied himself the enjoyment of the simplest pleasures of life, and he was going to make up for it by appreciating a lot more.

When Alexander arrived at the park, he greeted Laurens with a wave. "Hi, I'm Alexander and I have emotional issues and sometimes feel like everything is pointless. Is that okay?"

"I'm John and that's cool with me. I mooch off my friends and I feel guilty almost constantly," Laurens admitted, laughing. It was silent for a few seconds until he offered, "Wanna hold hands and bitch about stuff?"

"All right, that sounds perfect," Alexander said, reaching out to hold John's hand. They walked down the path, not really caring that they had limited time together. Alexander didn't mind that there was a small chance that his soulmate was really out there, because right now, Laurens was the only one that mattered. And himself, since he wanted to work on his self-esteem.

Alexander laughed in the middle of his story. "Okay, so I walked up to Thomas' desk to apologize and make sure I wouldn't lose my joke. While I was there, I took a business card. And Thomas says, 'I made those myself.' And you know what? It had perfect grammar and everything."

"Either he really was fucking with you or maybe he did improve," Laurens said, somehow still positive. "Hey, you didn't happen to hear that bit about ice cream from Lafayette?" Alexander nodded, wanting some explanation. "Well, I have a bit of a problem with emotions… I get stressed easily, that's it. You know what they say about how ice cream makes you feel better."

He put his hands in his pockets, and Alexander suspected that maybe it was something more. Despite his worries, he let Laurens think to himself and decide if he wanted to tell him.

Then Laurens sighed, saying, "Let's get real for a moment. Someday, I'm going to have the money to go to college. And I'm nervous about that, scared mostly."

"You'll still be around, right?" Alexander asked, knowing it was a little selfish of him.

Laurens smiled weakly. "Maybe," he said, "But we have to know we don't have all the time in the world, so we need to do everything we can while I'm here, if you know what I'm saying." And so the discussion would stay on college, at least until every one of Alexander's questions were answered.

"Aren't you at least a little excited?" he asked.

"Is it bad if I'm not? I mean, I don't know what I want to be. I don't know who I want to be," Laurens ranted, "I've never had the time to figure myself out. I don't have a thing I want to pursue."

Alexander exhaled, only saying, "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, let's just sit and talk." He knew one of his goals would have to be to figure Laurens out. "I really do wish we had more time," Alexander commented, "Not that I don't want you to get a degree."

"I get it," Laurens said, "I can't believe just a month ago we were just strangers. We really did just speed through this."

Alexander chuckled, then asked, "Why did Laf and Herc give me your number? Besides the whole, 'help him he's secretly lonely' thing."

"Oh my god, they said I was secretly lonely?!" Laurens exclaimed, "I swear you say someone's cute one time and they're already planning weddings."

They both laughed quietly, though Alexander was a little happier than he should that Laurens thought he looked... more than all right. Alexander was still worrying about the college situation, and he knew Laurens was too. But right now, that didn't matter. They could have what others could spend years looking for, even if Alexander wasn't supposed to.

"Alex, someday…" Laurens started, but he didn't find the energy to continue. He sighed. "Someday, you might find your soulmate. You might decide to leave me, and… I just wanted to bring that up."

Alexander felt his mood dampen. He couldn't help Laurens with this, as long as they were together he would worry about this. But still, he tried to comfort him with, "Laurens, I won't leave you for someone else just because they're my soulmate. I know what that does to people." But he knew that was a very real possibility.

And there was that weak smile again. "You don't have to say anything," Laurens said, "I'm fine."

"You are not fine," Alexander said, then he realized Laurens would just shoot that exact line right back at him. "But that's okay. We can be not fine together."

Laurens laughed. "Stop making it cheesy, Alex." He was still smiling like an idiot though. Laurens muttered, "How are we going to break this to Herc and Laf?"

"The maybe not soulmates thing?" Alexander clarified before suggesting, "I'll start telling them the news and they'll go, 'I knew we saw something you didn't.' Then I'll say, 'What? Colors?'"

"Alex, that's evil," Laurens said, though he still held his grin of approval. "You're going to make them cry and they're going to talk about how they're sad and ask why you would do something like that."

"Laurens, that's exactly why I do things," Alexander explained, sitting back on the bench, "It's a lovely day out."

Laurens rolled his eyes and joked, "Smooth subject change."

"Come on, can I not just enjoy the moment?" Alexander asked, "Everything's fine for once. That's new for me, isn't it?"

The other smiled and took hold of his hand. "Yeah, I guess it really is a nice day out."

Alexander Hamilton has never seen color. Maybe he would one day, but right now he was fine with it. Sure, he'd be fine if he did see color, but he didn't want it to get to his head and cause him to hurt others. He was okay with Laurens getting to his head though.

And this concludes my story, kind of based on real events. I might write an epilogue, but right now, I'm helping a friend edit a future story. Thanks again to everyone who's read this and to everyone who's reviewed, followed, and favorited this story.