A/N: kate3110, it's so much easier now that you think my descriptions are fine, really! So, that encouraged me to add even more confusion on Vivian's behalf... Btw, Harry's entrance is near enough :D

Disclaimer: Everything you recognize is JKR's, the rest is my imagination :D

Dazed and confused

I was someone's. I was belonging, finally. I could almost touch the comforting presence of someone, even if I couldn't see even their silhouette, since everything was pitch black around me. I couldn't hear or smell anything and I was somehow aware that this was weird, even for a dream. This is a dream, right? Of course it is, I've never felt so content in my life.

I suddenly felt someone shaking my right shoulder slowly, but not in a gentle way. So, there goes my previous riddle-what was happening to me moments before was definitely a dream, since I couldn't grasp not even a trace of those pure and homey feelings. But here was just so fine, and even if I was feeling a little uncomfortable and stiff, I still refused to move. But that bothersome shaking just couldn't stop! If it were just a bit gentler…

''You should go.'' I heard deep, husky whisper somewhere on my right and when I finally opened my tired lids, I was met with Sirius' steady, and of course, empty gaze. He wasn't lying beside me anymore; he was now sitting on the edge of the bed, looking like he wouldn't mind some good sleep. I quickly glanced around me, only to realize it was barely dawn. It was probably around 5am, barely lighter than a couple of hours ago. I got up slowly, yawning and stretching my arms, simultaneously desperately trying to chase away the pain in my neck-consequence of the stupid decision to sleep on someone else's bed, and without a pillow, no less.

''But it's only…'' I tried to croak my protest, still in the sweet haze of deep slumber, but I trailed off when I saw his expression. He was looking more like a caged animal with every passing second, giving me quick glances which could only be translated as deep discomfort.

I got the message and waddled to the door, turning around to address him once my hand was on the door handle.

''Did you get some sleep?'' I mumbled, watching as his gaze wandered from my face to the floor. He just shook his head slowly, still avoiding my look and scowling. I was really trying not to react, but I heard a little sigh escaping me as the feeling of terrible remorse fondled with my insides. So I just got out of his room, closed the door with the smallest amount of squeaking I could manage and tiptoed to my room, trying to clear my head of all the loud thoughts and possible solutions for Sirius' insomnia.

When I woke up next, it was near noon. I jumped off my bed and quickly washed up, running down the stairs and praying that I didn't miss anything that was happening. Lucky for me, it was seemingly just another slow, hot day, since Molly was reading Witch Weekly for the table, Ginny and Hermione were braiding each other's hair and I could hear loud thumping steps upstairs, where the twins and Ron were trying to smother their boredom, probably. Remus, Arthur, Bill and Tonks were probably at work and Sirius was, yet again, nowhere in sight.

''And what's with you, missy? You slept through the day!'' Molly gave me one funny look over her gossip columns.

''Nothing important, just one restless night.'' I waved her off, serving myself with the coffee and deciding to skip the breakfast this day.

''Oh honey, that wouldn't happen if you had someone to tire you out, if you know what I mean.'' Molly waggled her brows as I rolled my eyes with a little smile.

''Mom!'' Ginny squealed from the floor, with mock-disgusted expression plastered on her freckled face.

''What? I didn't say anything! Merlin, Ginerva, what is going on in that little head of yours?'' Molly was teasing her only daughter while Hermione was giggling uncontrollably.

''Trust me, Molly, men and any kind of work out with them is the last thing on my mind right now.'' I laughed and waited for Molly's witty retort. Seriously, when she wasn't being in her mother hen mode, Molly could be quite silly and fun to talk to.

''There's a mistake! I mean, look at all these bachelors in the house! There's Remus, then Sirius, one of them could always keep you… satisfyingly tired.'' Molly was making a little monologue, trying not to burst out of laughing on the sight of Ginny's and Hermione's now for real disgusted faces and me snickering. But then we all shut up, seeing Sirius standing on the doorway, looking utterly gob-smacked and judging by his expression, he had heard a great deal of our conversation.

''Err…Perhaps I should come back a bit later.'' He stuttered looking almost adorable in his awkwardness and embarrassment and all but ran out of the room. Now none of us women could keep it, so we all burst out of laughing, until I felt little tears of mirth on my face. Merlin, this is a mad house!

Four days passed in a steady, sticky with drastic high temperatures flow. I was feeling, after that one night, yet again well rested without screams to wake me up in the middle of the night, but pondering on more than one occasion was I just tired, or his nightmares stopped… I was hoping for the latter. For the durance of those little boring four days, someone would think that nothing happened, but there were those little things to keep me on my toes in anticipation.

Firstly, there was constant electricity in the room whenever Remus and Tonks were sitting together and I just couldn't persuade the girl to finally do something concretely. She was all over him, but just with her eyes, and I could see her desperately trying to be cheerful, bubbly and interesting with her quirkiness. She didn't look like she was lacking the self-esteem, so I was very perplexed with her hesitation. On the Remus' behalf, he was much more discreet than Tonks, but you had to be pretty good with reading one werewolf and his struggles to know that he wasn't indifferent. For example, there were those little moments whenever he heard her voice and his eyes would light up, or whenever he was talking-he would always look directly at her when he spoke, even if it regarded all of us. And finally, he was more moody than before, his calm and collected self slowly slipping from his grasp. He wouldn't go to the extremes like Sirius would, but he was close enough. What's with the Marauders and their oblivion to any emotion concerning women, I'll never know.

And of course, there was Sirius. The greatest thing with the potions was that, unlike Muggle remedies which had to be consummated for some time only to have little effect, potions would work almost immediately after you take them. So, four days after Remus and me sneakily feeding Sirius vitamins and appetizers with his every meal, there he was, eating healthy and ravishingly, and finally, gradually getting more weight. It happened so fast, just in the couple of days, that everyone started to get suspicious, but no one dared to mention anything. It was rather interesting, and a little bizarre sight, too. It was like looking at a plant growing on some documentary footage. There he was, a couple of days later, looking normal. His skin wasn't that awful shade of sickening yellow anymore, it got a healthy, almost normal color, if a bit too pale, probably from his bad sleep habits and occasional smoking, whenever Mundungus brought some cigarettes. And even if he was still always dressed in too big robes, I could see his shoulders nicely fitting the material, and sometimes, when he would grab onto something or do something with his hands, I could see strong and healthy male wrist and long and still slim tattooed fingers, not those creepy, almost corpse-like. Certainly, the change was most evident on his face. Those hollow cheeks and cutting cheekbones finally filled out a little, lighting up his face and making him look more his age and less the man everyone outside the Order thought he was.

And finally, the fifth day, just when the thought that everything's getting better crossed my mind, I accidentally bumped into him on the stairs while I was on my way to collect some dirty laundry from my room to bring it to washroom. He was coming down the stairs, still drowsy with sleep and we almost collided, but stopped ourselves on time. I smiled up at him casually, like I would at any other person in the household, finally used to his more frequent presence around. He just looked down on me with carefully indifferent face, but I could swear that I saw a flicker of life in those eyes. Even if he was physically better and in a lighter mood, his past was haunting him almost every second and that dead look in his eyes just couldn't disappear. But right then, when I saw that something, I suddenly felt an almost-forgotten flip in my stomach. I finally noticed it: Sirius Black was, for the lack of better phrase, one pretty handsome bloke, even in his thirties. Oh, God. No.

I was staring at him for god knows how long because in the next moment, his nasty temper had to resurface and ruin my little haze.

''Will you move?'' He was, as always irritated with my mere presence, and my own annoyance started to rise as soon as he spoke. I just moved and ran up the stairs, deciding to forget all about my shameful moment of weakness for broody ex-convict.

I should know that that day would be one big catastrophe, after that weird incident. But no, I had to hope that it's all better and all that crap. So, what happened just before lunch shook me hard.

I was just strolling causally to the kitchen, not even a bit vigilant. I was, after all, doing this for four days, taking turns with Remus for every meal. Nothing could go wrong, right? But alas, it was me in question, the major part of awkward and unnecessary moments in this house. So again in that day, one voice startled me, but instead of mild irritancy I could hear pure, undisguised fury.

''Care to explain what the fuck is this, White?'' Sirius spat, throwing the vial at me, almost hitting me. Luckily, I caught it with shaking hands, easily recognizing the potion.

''It's…'' I stuttered, not even daring to look at him. I could imagine his pissed off, raging face I've seen a number of times before. I took a deep breath, trying to calm down a little and force myself to be reasonable. I wasn't doing anything wrong. Yes, it was sneaky and without his knowledge, but it helped him a great deal, for fuck's sake!

''We were just trying to help!'' I managed to squeak out, suddenly ashamed with my lack of courage.

''How many times do I have to tell you, you idiot? I. Don't. Need. Your. Help.'' Every word was spat louder and louder and I was suddenly afraid that everyone would hear our little fight. ''And what do you mean, we?'' He added and I felt even more stupid than the second before. If I tell him that Remus was in it too, he will hold a grudge against his only best friend, too, even if it was petty and childish. Oh no, I couldn't allow it.

''Nothing! I meant I!'' I finally clenched my teeth and looked at him. His eyes had a little bit of that dark madness in them, that last regard from Azkaban which would haunt him probably forever. I was trying to reason with myself not to lose my own temper with the man whose views of help and friendship were obviously and irreparably twisted, but unfortunately, in these last couple of days I was gathering my self-esteem and bringing back my old fiery self. So naturally, the only thing that rang through my mind was his disgusted face, degrading, raging voice and flying offences and profanities from his mouth.

''How stupid can you be? You're not my fucking mother, you certainly aren't my wife, not even a fucking friend! Just one pest who can't stay away from other people's business!'' Now I had enough.

''Listen to me now, you arrogant jerk. I don't like you.'' Damn truth. ''I don't care about you.'' Lie. ''I don't even want to be around you.'' Another lie. ''But I have to, because I'm a fucking adult. Familiar with that word? Good. I'm an adult who is ordered to stay with you and, oh, please forgive me, to try to stop you from killing yourself! So you're going to shut up this moment, before I hex you into oblivion, stop whining about your fuck ups, drink the rest of that bloody potion and be normal when your godson comes in this hellhole. If the child of Lily and James Potter sees you in any of your crazed states, I swear to God, Black, I'll kill you.'' I finished my pissed off rant with my eyes probably burning holes into gaping, shocked Sirius, turned around and marched out of the kitchen. Of course, I heard more profanities and one ''Stay away from me'' from him. And for the first time in the whole month, I didn't give a fuck about his feelings.

And in the same fucking day, that awful fifth day after Sirius' last nightmare, we had a sudden visit from Dumbledore in the evening. He contacted all the Order members and we all gathered in the kitchen, confused and partially scared. We were attending the urgent meeting and that meant something big had happened. I glanced around me; All of the members, looking thoroughly bewildered, like some children in the trouble, were sitting around me for the table, expectantly looking at Dumbledore, with various states of anxiety written all over their faces.

Dumbledore proceeded to explain the dementor attack on Harry, trying to ignore sudden outrage of all of us. We weren't showing much politeness right then, but the headmaster understood. And the biggest outburst came from Sirius, of course. He was already grumpy from our earlier encounter and right now he was positively enraged. When he finally calmed down a little, with crossed arms and foot tapping on the floor and eyes glaring bravely at Dumbledore, as if it was his fault, the greatest wizard of our time laid out the plan of action. But when one annoying prat a.k.a. the last offspring of Black family heard that we had to wait a couple of days before bringing Harry in here, he had to start protesting again. I wasn't sure if he was annoying me or amazing me with the sudden honest, bare show of pure, raw emotion-the love for his only true family.

''But he's going to go nuts isolated like that! We have to get to him much quicker!'' He barked from the other side of the table, uncrossing his arms and slamming the fist on the hard wood. I was, yet again, amazed with the amount of compassion he had for Harry. After all, who could understand loneliness better than Sirius Black?

''I know, Sirius, but that's the quickest we can. He managed all of the summer, nothing's going to happen if he waits just a little bit longer.'' Albus retorted calmly, patiently smiling at his former student.

''Easy for you to say.'' Sirius grumbled and crossed his arms again, yelping quietly on the feeling of Remus kicking him in the shin under the table.

After the biggest issue, Dumbledore started to give some other missions to other Order members.

Suddenly, Severus Snape cleared his throat, making his presence acknowledged for the first time in the evening.

''Excuse me, headmaster, but there's something else. Bellatrix Lestrange was finally spotted on the…meeting I had'' Sirius coughed, unmistakably one false cough and I was fighting my urge to laugh, even if I was still mad at him, ''and she had a little talk with the Dark Lord.'' yet again, the cough cut him off and now everyone was struggling to keep carefully blank faces, ''They plan on keeping something safe in some shack in Little Hangleton, so she is going to find Yaxley and Dolohov in five days.''

''Interesting. We need someone to keep an eye on them… Bellatrix can be pretty uncontrolled near Muggle community… Vivian? Could you do it?'' Crystal clear blue eyes fell on me and mix of adrenalin, excitement and a little bit of fear shot straight through my body. I was finally leaving this hellhole to go on my very first mission for the reformed Order. I nodded solemnly, mentally starting to prepare all the things I would need for a little scouting adventure.

After the meeting, everyone went on their respective ways, leaving me alone in the kitchen. I was making a sandwich for myself, (what's better than a late night snack?) when I heard door opening behind me and I recognized those easy, quick steps. I groaned inwardly and turned around to see Sirius frozen in place, looking at me chewing that bloody sandwich like I hadn't eaten for a week, his lips twitching like they wanted to curve into a smirk on their own. But he just cast me one dirty glare and turned around to leave the room… but I remembered something, the idea which was formed in my head as soon as Dumbledore told me about my mission. I swallowed my big, ugly pride with the remains of the sandwich and cleared my throat.

''Black.'' He turned back around, with his hand on the door handle, in the exact same position as I was when I was leaving his room that morning. I sucked in a big breath and mentally patted myself on the shoulder for moral support.

''I need your help.'' It came out more as a demand than as a proposal. He looked at me with raised eyebrow, not even trying to hide his amusement and interest, but still saying nothing.

''Since Remus is on his own mission…'' God, this isn't easy at all. ''I need to practice…'' Am I really admitting my weakness to the last person I wanted to know that I even had weaknesses? ''I need you to train me. Since you're…'' Am I really about to compliment him? This man, who annoyed me the most in my whole life? But I have to, I really need his help. I took one more deep breath. ''Since you're a good duelist.'' I was mumbling and looking down, suddenly very interested in the pattern of the old wooden floor, but I had to glance at him, already prepared for taunting and cruel refusal, due to his hatred of me since I stepped a foot into his house and now, after our fight, probably despisal. He didn't even give me any vocal sign that he had heard me. I was met with that notorious analytical gaze, miraculously without a trace of mocking or disgust. He just nodded and left me in the kitchen, once again utterly confused with his unpredictability.