A/N: Well, crap. It's been so long, and I'm so, so sorry, but I've got exams now and the most important one on the end of June, which will determine can I go to University or not. Anyway, I'll try to update a bit faster if I snatch any free time.

kate3110 Ohhh, there you are! I'm so glad you didn't abandon me! :D I wish you well on your exams! Anyway, it looked to me too slow, the building of their relationship, so I sped it up a little with the last chapter, at least until some more drama. And what's better way for speeding up than some healthy strikes of passion? :D

221authoronbakerst I'm glad you like it, hoping you'll enjoy this one too! Ohhh, Vivian would also need some cold shower, if she's smart enough :D

Anyway, I wasn't so excited about this one, but it turned rather well :D

Disclaimer: Everything you recognise is JKR's, the rest is my imagination.

It only hurts when I laugh

The morning after that… I don't even know what to call it, I quietly tip-toed down the stairs, praying to Merlin that Sirius was still asleep, or anywhere in the house except the kitchen. I still couldn't wrap my head around the last night's events and I just hoped that my face wasn't betraying anything that was storming around in my mind. I was utterly confused, not so much with his behavior as with my own. My assumptions about him were pretty simple - he was finally used to my presence, seeing me as some kind of companion. He was also probably lonely and frustrated and slightly drunk, and I wasn't really helping with my skimpy nightdress. After all, I wasn't the one to be falsely modest. I knew I looked pretty decent and nice for one 35 year old.

I could excuse his behavior, easily, but what the hell was happening to me? I didn't do relationships and any inappropriate feelings for quite some time now, so why was I so much bothered with a mere thought of him? This isolation was doing me no good, for sure.

When I finally got to the kitchen, everyone was already digging in hurriedly, including kids, and to my tiny displeasure, Sirius. Lounging in his chair, nursing a cup of coffee and scowling, he was a perfect image of an annoyed cynic. An annoyed cynic who got me undone with one look just last night, mind you.

''Good morning'' I croaked on my way to the table, cringing at my morning voice and trying not to glance in his direction. A choir of greetings answered me and I sat down next to Remus, with Fred and George separating me from Sirius' place on the head of the table. And just when I thought it was an easy, normal breakfast, Tonks asked something which should be a normal question, only not for me in that moment.

''How was your night?''

''Wh- why-'' I stuttered and my eyes darted to the head of the table on their own, catching the ones that were uninterested, grey and somehow more empty than usual.

I cleared my throat quickly, trying to get a grip.

''It was… fine. Very pleasant.'' No one spared me another glance except Tonks, who had that notorious smirk plastered on her soft face.

''Sirius, why don't you eat something? You look a bit peaky.'' Molly turned the conversation on the one person who was making me feel like a bloody teenager, while doing absolutely nothing.

''I don't feel very well.'' He said gloomily and stood up with his black robe gracefully trailing around him and making him look way more elegant than a certain black robed potions master.

''Where are you going?'' I don't know what possessed me, but I almost shouted my question, ignoring his mood and making him turn around and arch an unamused eyebrow.

''None of your business.'' He growled and left quickly, and I wanted to smack him upside the head. Him or my own self, I couldn't decide.

After just a little time it was already half past ten and every young peer in the house was running around, trying not to forget something in the last moment. And everyone was around to help, except Sirius. And I just had to let myself care about it, because when I saw disappointed look on Harry's face when it was only ten minutes before they took off, my heart broke a little.

''Black! Where are you?'' I yelled when I got into our hallway, knowing he would probably kill me if I stepped a foot into his bedroom without his permission.

''Stupid git making Harry sad, heartless fuck up,'' I was mumbling under my breath, clearly annoyed when I finally heard his voice.

''There you go, you'll be fine for now.'' It was coming from one of the rooms which I shouldn't visit, but I didn't really give a fuck at that moment.

I ignored the suspicious noise coming from inside and just pushed the door open, preparing for some serious berating.

''Black! What are you doing, sitting here-'' I quickly shut up when I finally looked into the room, only to see startled Sirius and some huge animal with wings, eyeing me dangerously with its yellow eyes and clawing the floor, probably planning to eat me alive.

After a second of shock, it made a sudden move toward me. Naturally, I shrieked. Naturally, it shrieked too.

''Woah, woah, Buckbeak! Easy! Calm down!'' Sirius was grabbing onto its neck, roughly combing its feathers and trying to calm it down while his eyes blazed with fury, directly at the frozen, scared shitless, me.

When that thing saw I wasn't a threat, but a mere irritancy, it calmed down a little and stopped shrieking, but that murderous glare didn't leave its eyes. Almost the same as Black, who was turned to me now.

''What did I say about this room? Where was your brain? Are you retarded?'' He barked harshly and my sudden anger woke me out of the stupor.

''Well, it's not like you told me you're keeping some huge bird-horse in here! I wouldn't even fucking care if you didn't holed yourself in here, completely disappointing Harry, who is, by the way, waiting for you to say goodbye!'' I yelled back, ignoring steady gaze of an animal.

And I finally managed it. Sirius Black was looking completely guilty, and he lost all of his arguments and snarky remarks. His shoulders dropped and he looked so vulnerable all of a sudden, not unlike in the aftereffects of his nightmares. Lost, ruined child.

My glare softened and I cleared my throat.

''Anyway, what is that?'' I pointed to the haughty animal which was steadily becoming more annoyed with my presence.

Sirius blinked and I could almost see a trace of gratefulness in his eyes. Well, almost.

''This is Buckbeak. He is a hippogriff and he was my companion when I got away from… Ah, Azkaban.'' He explained, his eyes dropping to the floor with fear and humiliation at the thought of Azkaban. I gulped and nodded, casting wary looks at it.

''He is a good birdie, you just have to show him some respect when you meet him.''

''You call this a birdie?'' I scoffed but nevertheless listened to his advice, vaguely remembering Care for magical creatures class and pictures from the book. I bowed my head and it bowed elegantly. My fear dissipated.

''Can I say hi to you now? Sorry for barging in, I was just searching for your friend who is a major prick, by the way. Anyway, I'll announce myself next time, maybe bring you some food or something.'' I was rambling while petting Buckbeak, mesmerized with his beauty, completely forgetting about Sirius.

''What is he eating, anyway? I could find something for him if you-'' I started and shut up when I saw Sirius' face. He was smiling with mirth and I could see that one, my Sirius from before.

''What?'' I asked perplexed, my own smile tugging at the corners of my lips on the sight of Sirius in a good mood.

''It's you, you weirdo.'' He openly laughed and I thoroughly blushed, chuckling and feeling younger in my own skin.

''C'mon, let's go, Harry is still there. He won't go without you saying goodbye.'' I said seriously but softly, and he nodded, trailing behind me.

And when I saw Harry's face lighting up instantly with Sirius' presence, I knew I've done something good with putting up with Black's moods. They chatted for a moment and when it was the time for kids and their guardians to leave, I hugged all of them, expecting Sirius to do the same. But, he wouldn't be impulsive, reckless self if he didn't do something utterly stupid.

''Black, what are you doing?'' I asked loudly over Hermione's shoulder when I spotted Sirius giving a rather concerned Harry mischievous smile.

''Preparing to say goodbye, as you kindly suggested.'' He smirked and before our own eyes turned into Padfoot.

''Black, no, I didn't mean - are you insane?'' I started panicking when he leapt outside and everyone just accepted it after him giving them sad, puppy eyes. Jerk.

He didn't come back with Remus and Tonks. They said they'd lost him somewhere near the Kings Cross and that he'll probably just come back. After all, he survived in his dog form for good two years.

Nevertheless, I was worried. What if some Death Eaters were lurking around? What it Pettigrew told them about Sirius' animagus form and they were just waiting for him to show up?

My thoughts were getting worse and worse with time ticking and Sirius still not coming back. Remus and Tonks had to go away on their Order duties, but told me to call them if something happened.

When the late afternoon turned into evening, darkening the whole house, I was conflicted between anger at the reckless git and need to call Remus. I was pacing around the kitchen, listening to the old clock and trying to steady the whirl of bad emotions, when finally I heard it.

Thud, thud. I tried to focus on the sound, realizing it was coming from the entrance. Then, there was some scratching, and finally a quiet whimper. I ran to the door quickly opening it, only to find Padfoot curled up on the top step, looking sick.

''Oh god, what the hell happened to you?'' I cried out trying to usher him inside. He dragged himself into the hallway, leaving bloody trails behind his paws.

''Who attacked you?'' I asked panicked when he turned into his human form, leaving for me to notice bloody cuts all over his arms and legs, and blood leaking from one gash on his waist.

''Myself, pretty much.'' He tried to sound light but it was smothered with a painful grunt.

''What do you mean-'' I cut myself off, seeing it was pretty important to clean his wounds first.

''C'mon, lean on me, we're going to the bathroom.'' I dragged him somehow upstairs, choosing my room rather than his because I could manage better in there.

I put him down on the cold tiles, tearing his shirt and seeing his body in the clear light for the first time. I tried to concentrate on healing the gash, but his tattoos were not helping much. I ignored my inner need to pry and ask him about those and tried to act professional and clinical and I wasn't even failing that much, even if I was distracted with the growth of my mere physical attraction for him.

When I cleaned his cut legs and feet and moved onto his roughed up hands, I asked him again what happened, seeing he wasn't in much pain anymore.

''I used to do this all the time when I was…free, hiding with Buckbeak.'' He said quietly, not meeting my steady, hard gaze. ''I hear them and I remember and it's killing me and not letting me sleep, so I just run until it becomes quiet and I don't feel that sort of pain.''

''You mean… You numb your mental pain with physical?'' I gulped, trying to hold back tears. Damn it, why did I have the need to cry whenever he spilled something?

''…Sort of. It would tire me out and I would sleep after that.'' He said slowly, drawing invisible circles on the tiled floor with his newly healed hand. I was watching it mesmerized, not wanting to meet his gaze either. So we were just looking anywhere except at each other. Ashamed. Hurt. Alone.

''What are they…,'' I mumbled, daring to look at him and seeing fear and pain in his stormy eyes. I cleared my throat and tried again. ''What are they talking about, when you hear them? Who are they?''

I could see him getting his defenses up with his look sharpening and he tried to look away, so I quickly grabbed the hand which was drawing circles and held it tightly, feeling slight electricity at the contact.

His hand was loose, but he didn't move it.

''It depends. Sometimes it's Lily, sometimes Marlene. Sometimes it's all the voices from prison, their screams and cries. But mostly, it's James.'' His voice cracked and he finally closed his eyes with pained expression.

I willed myself not to cry. Don't pity him. Be brave for him.

''What are they… What are they saying?'' I was proud to notice my voice sounded almost normal.

''Does it matter? I know what it means when you hear voices, White, I'm not stupid.'' He barked, trying to cover up all of the emotions he showed earlier.

''That you're crazy, yes.'' I deadpanned and he opened his eyes, not expecting me to say that. ''So what? I'm crazy too. Masochist, really.'' I said cheerfully even if my own eyes betrayed me and I could feel a tear rolling down my cheek. I knew what those voices were saying. They were yelling at him, torturing him by telling that he's guilty for all of it.

''Now you're tired, you can sleep. So, sleep.'' I told him and expected him to leave my bathroom, with bloody stains all over the floor and my hands and his shirt, but I didn't move. Neither did he.

He just slid down the tub on which he was perched and put his head on the cold tiles, his hand almost slipping from mine with his movement, but he finally returned the grip indicating for me to stay where I was.

''Don't cry.'' He whispered so miserably, so selflessly, worrying about me instead of himself, that he made me cry harder. His eyes were still closed and I did something perhaps stupid, perhaps wild, but certainly needed.

I laid down next to him, releasing his hand only to put my hands around him, simultaneously putting my head on his chest. I hugged him not caring when I felt him stiffen slightly beneath me, knowing he needed this as much as I did.

''Harry cares about you so much. Remus and Tonks too.'' I croaked and he hummed, relaxing visibly.

''…Me too.'' I whispered at last after a couple of moments, thinking he fell asleep.

But then his big hands came around my slight frame and he hugged me too, his previously limp form now touching me desperately.

And we slept. In the bathroom, under the white light, in the little puddle of his blood, which was on his shirt and my hands. Still hurt. Little less ashamed. Not alone.