Goody Two Shoes and the Filthy Beast Chapter 2: Ports of Call, a kim possible fanfic

Chapter One: Ports of Call

The astrolaunch neared the planetoid designated Salamaua Station. Behind the grand ship a humble skimmer trailed along on its magnetic tether. She flew a bold course, making no effort to avoid the gaze of laser batteries, but by this point there was little fear of a sneak attack. Once they began a war, the Lorwardians were straightforward in their aggression. Still, the guns followed the craft until it reached the Station's entrance.

Shego took a deep breath. "Take over, BATES."

Yes, ma'am. the computer responded crisply. Is there a problem, ma'am?

"We'll see." The ship came up to the station entry. Being a fully modern port, there were no doors, only a force field prevented the atmosphere from escaping. Behind its protective barrier the station bustled with activity. Shego sighed

"An easy life: the first casualty."

We are entering the force field, ma'am.

The ship gave the tiniest shudder. Shego's reaction was much more noticeable. She swayed in her seat, touching her fingertips to her forehead. Eyes screwed shut.

Is ma'am all right?

"In a minute." She breathed deeply. "Like I thought; they have the screens on full power. Any unauthorized ship will have its weapons' batteries powered down and any potentially volatile chemicals nullified. Not sure which it thinks I am. Kinda like a buzz without the happy feelings. I'm okay now, BATES. Ready to resume control."

Excuse me for being so bold, ma'am, but if the buzz analogy holds, you may not be as ready as you think. I am fully certified to take us into dock.

"Maybe not a bad idea." It took another two shakes of the head to clear Shego's vision.

The starboard dock ahead looks good, ma'am.

"The one below it." She replied after a quick look. "It has a little less activity and a lot more of what I need."

They settled easily at the dock. A brawny hairless pink creature dressed in overalls scurried over to attach landing cables. He scampered back to his previous duties before the ship's door opened. Shego stepped onto the dock and look around, satisfied. The Ruffites were indeed too busy to bother with the newcomer alone amidst mountains of supplies. The nearest open box beckoned.

"Dehydrates!" Sorting through the vegetables she found what she was looking for. The mixed berries cards found their way into the pouch on her left calf. The far side of the dock held an even greater treasure. Neatly stacked energy cells awaited whatever fate had in store for them. Be a shame to see these blown up. She surreptitiously moved a set over the dock beside her ship. When no one challenged her, she worked faster, brazenly piling them up for her use.

Not every being on the docks was a Ruffite. A particularly tall and burly human officer stopped his work to watch the woman several docks below. Lieutenant Barkin's natural suspicions were aroused; he used the personnel lift rather than risk settling down too close to fuel cells with a hot jump pack.

"Excuse me, ma'am."

The woman turned on her heel. She was striking: long black hair spilled down to the small of her back. It was wonderfully complemented by a pale face with fine features and piercing green eyes. She stretched her cat suit in all the right places. Its green and black harlequin pattern was unfamiliar; but everything about it, and her, screamed Special Forces.

"Don't you who I am?" Shego asked impatiently.

"No, ma'am." Barking sputtered. "Sorry. I've just been assigned to this quadrant and the Unity is still working out security sharing protocols with the Commonwealth."

She nodded her head slowly. "I'll let it go this time."

"Ma'am, yes, ma'am!" He snapped off a smart salute which the woman half-heartedly returned. Typical Special Forces flippancy. She went back to collecting supplies. This prompted him to open his mouth, but he shut it before uttering another word. Like any good soldier he followed standard operating procedure; after an initial set back, fall back and secure greater intelligence.

Salamaua Station was a marvel; Commonwealth engineers had hallowed out the planetoid, leaving only a shell of protective iron. The soft rock had been converted into the docks, storage, living and entertainment facilities that made up the station. Three thousand beings called it home, at least for a short while longer.

At the far end from the entry bay a small building protruded from the wall. The station itself turned, raising the planetoid's gravity to a level suitable for the life forms there. This building did not move, allowing the Harbor Master to monitor each dock as it came by. Should the need arise; the office could synchronize movement with the station, allowing for closer inspection of any individual dock.

The Harbor Master's voice and manner hinted at a level of culture and breeding that the Commonwealth still delighted in. His strong features, carefully combed hair and freshly pressed uniform supported the aristocratic bearing. His dark eyes left the docks when the earphone on his desk flashed. He sat down and put it over his right ear.

"Montgomery Fiske here. Ah, Admiral Director, what a pleasure to hear your voice, though I'd much rather see your delightful image as well. Yes," he nodded, "I know. Visual messages are much easier to intercept but to be honest we've both entertained Lorwardian representatives in our offices before the onset of hostilities. True, your office is now festooned with information and devices the enemy would find most fascinating while mine is being stripped down even as we speak. Speaking of which, your pardon for a moment."

Fiske muted his ear piece and looked over at the monkey which had just 'accidentally' dropped a framed holographic image. When the drop failed to produce the desired result she smashed it against the side of a desk, only to be rewarded with numbed fingers. She glared at Fiske's smiling face.

"Sorry, Chippy, but it's completely monkey proof." He responded to Chippy's angry chatter. "Because you look so cute in that green dress. Put it in the box, please. That's a good monkey. Take this dehydrate card and pour yourself a banana or two."

Chippy grabbed the card and raced out, just avoiding a collision with Lieutenant Barkin as he walked in. Since the Harbor Master was clearly engaged in a conversation he held his tongue as he saluted.

"May I respectfully remind the Admiral that I've been the Harbor Master here for ten years: I helped build this station; I can certainly be trusted to blow it up. Don't worry; the planetoid will be unharmed as per the customs and usages of war. We'll see if the Lorwardians return the courtesy when we drive them back. I trust that is on your 'to do' list." Admiral Director's response brought a smirk to Fiske's face.

"Sir, we have a situation." An upraised hand silenced Barkin. He settled for listening to his superior.

"Yes, Admiral, I'm aware of the problem created by Schooley's illness. Agreed, a net with a hole in it is hardly a net at all. However, I am having a problem coming up with a replacement."

Barkin butted in. "That egghead Doofenschmirtz would've worked if he hadn't let those ameobiods absorb him like that."

"You needn't make him sound like a shirker, Barkin." Fiske responded before returning his attention to his first conversation. "'For the want of a nail.' Yes, yes, I know the saying, Admiral. My people did come up with it."

At that moment something outside caught his attention. "Well hello, hello." He reached over to the desk and manipulated some controls. The office now turned in time with the dock holding an astrolaunch and a very busy woman in green and black. "I believe I've found our nail. A mite rusty I'll grant you but they don't come any sharper. I'll let you know how it goes, Admiral. Fiske out."

Barkin pointed out the window and exclaimed. "That's my situation, sir!"

"Really?" Fiske grinned. "I may have to adjust my opinion of you. She's a situation most worth getting involved with I must say. Come along."

They stepped out of the office and onto the walkway. The swarm of busy Ruffites slowed their progress.

"Is this anyone I should know, sir?" Barkin asked.

"Name's Shego: Goworlder. Only been here a short time yet already knows the quadrant like the back of her hand."

The larger man rubbed his chin. "Knew that uniform wasn't Unity or Commonwealth. Goworld's in the war now; she must be going back for mobilization."

Fiske cocked an eyebrow. "Shego's not going anywhere: hasn't been for years. Let me do the talking, Barkin."

They stopped by the astrolaunch. "Hello, Shego."

"Monty?" Shego squinted at the uniform. "Is that you in there, Monty? What did you do to yourself?"

"There's a war on, Shego."

"Everyone's saying that." She shook her head.

"Yes and at the moment we're losing it." Monty looked over the boat. "Nice boat. The 'Eckland', doesn't this belong to a certain heiress, a Bonnie Rockwaller?"

"It's mine." Shego said testily.

"Where did you get it?"

"I bought it from Bonnie Rockwaller."

"Oh come now, Shego. I've known you since you came here and you've never had more than two hundred Gobucks in your account at any given time. You can't tell me you bought an eighteen thousand Geo astrolaunch for two hundred Gobucks."

She raised her pert chin. "I didn't. I paid four hundred."

"Four hundred Gobucks!" the Harbor Master was incredulous.

"That's just how she said it." Shego smiled. "I pointed out she could either sell it to me or let the Lorwardians have it for free."

Bushy eyebrows knitted. "Where did you get your hands on four hundred Gobucks?"

"I didn't. I had two hundred, I owe her the rest." She moved close to Fiske and lowered her voice. "Speaking of which, don't you still owe me seventy-five for a certain little job? I'd talk louder, but you might not want certain persons to hear. Security, you know, there's a war on."

"I see." He pulled out a small computer. "You want me to transfer the seventy-five into her account in your name?"

"Could you make that twenty-five and put the rest into mine? I'm tapped out right now."

"Naturally." He concentrated on the small scene in his hand. "There. You're once again as solvent as you are acerbic."

"Thanks, Monty." She looked over at the lieutenant. "You, there…"

"Barkin, Steve Barkin, Lieutenant, Unity Marine Corps." The man saluted.

"Steve. Those energy cells aren't going to move themselves. You know what they say about idle hands."

The officer looked over at the Harbor Master, who gestured at the stack. "Go on, Barkin, be of assistance."

Monty watched the two work for a few minutes before starting his pitch. "Shego, what do you know about the Star Watch?"

"It's a chance to be a hero." Barkin started only to have Monty cut him off.

"It's would be a cushy job for an asteroid comber like yourself." Monty observed. "Each being takes a post on an asteroid, planetoid, even the odd planet, and conveys information of enemy movements via ether. Whole thing's based upon the Load Sensory Array, brilliant system. The array has an incredible range yet it's utterly undetectable."

"If it's so perfect why do you need little ol' me?

"Invisibility does have a down side. Tie it into any electronic system and the whole thing lights up like the proverbial Christmas tree. The monitor must be organic."

"And heroic." Barking blurted. "In the very face of the enemy, never knowing if today is the day a Lorwardian will come looking to make a trophy out of your spine…"

Again Monty cut him off. "What do you say, Shego?"

The pale woman looked around. "See a lot of carbon chucks walking around here."

"Everyone else has places to be, duties to perform."

"I've got a duty." Shego leaned against her ship. "I'm permanently assigned to the Shego Watch. Pay's lousy but it's for a great cause."

"A lot of lives are on the line." Barkin urged.

The woman crossed her arms. "Look both of you, I made peace with the universe years ago, if it wants to blow itself up that's its business."

Monty played his last card. "The assignment's only temporary; I need time to find another operative. It shouldn't be longer than a month or so."

"Monty, we've known each other for a while now. Do you really think you can change my mind?"

"No, I don't suppose I can." The Harbor Master straightened up and looked at Barkin. "Lieutenant, confiscate all small craft on this dock."

"Sir! Yes, sir!"

"Hey!" Shego protested. "You can't do this to me, Monty. I'll go over your head! Who's in charge here?"

Barkin stopped entering the security protocols into the mooring line long enough to volunteer the `information. "In wartime the Garrison Commander can overrule the Harbor Master."

"Who's that?" Shego demanded.

"Lord Montgomery Fiske." Barking smiled.

She was back in Monty's face. "Monty, you can't do this to me! This boat's all I have!"

His look was indeed sympathetic. "The decision's not mine to make. All civilian craft have already evacuated. Remaining ships all belong to the Commonwealth, the Unity, and other allies and auxiliaries. This of course includes the…"

"Star Watch." Shego muttered.

"Yes, members of the Star Watch may avail themselves to our facilities. But you declined to join and I know I can't change your mind."

"Why you little…" the Goworlder clinched her teeth and rolled her eyes. She sighed with resignation. "All right, I'll watch your stars for you."

Monty smiled. "Splendid! On behalf of His Majesty, I welcome you to the Star Watchers. I'll get some Ruffites to help load your ship. You can take off within the hour."

"Whatever." She shrugged, taking his hand but resisting the urge to turn on her plasma.

Somehow Barkin kept quiet until they were out of earshot. "She'll take off all right. Once she clears the bay doors we'll never see her again."

"Come now, Barkin." Monty replied mildly. "Where's your trust in your fellow being?"

The astrolauch glided past the stars, skimmer in tow. Everything, the stars, the course, the even speed, gave the air of a carefree cruise. Only one thing broke the tableau. Just outside of the Eckland's gravimetic field followed a Commonwealth Star Shrike, its weapons fully charged. (There was a war on, after all.)

On the warship's bridge the Commonwealth and Unity officers watched Shego's vessel. "She steers a fine course eh, Barkin?"

"I think she could have given those asteroids a wider berth."

"She used their gravity to increase her speed without raising her energy profile. Quite clever."

"Clever for a smuggler…or a thief." Barkin snorted. "Never have liked skulking around."

"Regain astral supremacy and we won't have to." The Harbor Master replied. "Until then appreciate another's skills."

A Ruffite at a console spoke in his specie's surprisingly deep voice. "Captain, the Eckland is hailing us."

"Put her on screen." When Shego appeared Monty gave her a friendly nod. "You steer a fine course, Shego. My compliments."

"Easy enough course." She sniffed. "You know where you can go after this."

"The Lorwardians may well put me there. I trust you'll be safe, even comfortable. Only the fortunate few among the Star Watchers have a terraformed planet."

"Yeah, I'm the fortunate one. You can keep on your trained monkey suit, I'm getting comfortable."

"What is she doing?" Barkin started.

"Exactly what it looks like. It's common enough aboard ships. Surely you've stripped down to your skivvies before."

"On a crowded troop transport. She's alone on an astrolaunch! She's being disrespectful!"

"It's that kind of prickly attitude that brought this war upon us, Barkin. Her undergarments are quite modest."

"Hey, Monty, Barkin," Shego taunted, "how's this for modest?" She turned her back to the screen, bent over and grabbed her waistband.

"Vacuums and Velveeta, not disrespectful!" Barkin exclaimed. "What do you call that?"

"That, my good lieutenant, is the best proof since beer that there is a God, and that He wants us to be happy."

A sneering face filled the screen now. "Hope you got a good look, Monty, that's the last you'll ever see."

The screen went blank and Monty sighed. "The sacrifices I make for King and Country."

A short time later the ships were alongside the planet Matalava. The Star Shrike's screen came back on, with Shego now in a large old shirt and capris. Her look was mocking and somewhat philosophical. "It's a sad day when your friends don't trust you."

Monty shook his head. "I was being thoughtful. Your ship is unarmed. Besides, there's no way you could have carried all the provisions I'm sending down to the surface."

He touched a button and Shego's view changed to the cargo bay where Commonwealth spacemen were loading skimmers with box after box. One set caught her attention. "Careful with those! So, 'Old Damnation' eh, Monty? Sure are pulling out all of the stops."

"You know the expense of space transport, Shego. If you want quantity you have to sacrifice quality. I could always send you cases of the finest, smoothest synthahol if you'd like. Can have it made up by the lab in an hour or so."

"What for? Just tell them not to bust any of the bust head."

The order was given and obeyed by human and Ruffite alike. The Commonwealth skimmers took their cargoes of food, fuel and alcohol down to the surface. When the last one was safely on board Monty contacted Shego.

"We'll be at the King's Port system. When you contact us you will use code. King's Port is 'Briar Patch'. I'm 'Big Bad Wolf'…"

"You mean you're not 'Monkey Man'?" Shego interrupted.

"'Big Bad Wolf'." Monty repeated. "Barkin here is 'Bo Peep' and you're…what was it again, Barkin."

"'Mother Goose', sir."

"That's it, 'Mother Goose'. Be sure to remember this, Shego, it's bloody important."

"Yeah, bloody." She shook her head and the screen went blank again.

Something about her attitude set Barkin's mind racing. "Sir, I'm willing to bet anything that the moment we leave she'll just…"

The Harbor Master seemed to not be paying attention. "We need to get underway, Barkin. Hard aport."

"You mean starboard, sir?"

"Hard aport, Lieutenant." Monty repeated.

The big man smiled. "Yes, sir! Coxswain, hard aport!"

On board the Eckland Shego calmly entered coordinates into the navigational computer.

I take it we plan to leave momentarily, ma'am?

"What kind of a scoundrel do you take me for?" she asked with mock hurt in her voice. "I promised to watch his stars and I shall…as long as it takes me to load up the liquor. Just want to have everything ready for when do take off. This course should get us away from any unwelcomed attention."

I see. Very well… Sirens went off in the ship. The screen came on. BATES gave the electronic equivalent of a shout. The Shrike is turning into us!

The Commonwealth ship's gravimetic field pushed the Eckland toward Matalava. Shego screamed at the men on the screen. "Monty! Starboard! STARBOARD! You crazy son of a…"

Her curse was cut off when her ship hit Matalava's upper atmosphere. Old training and reflexes kept her from injury but the ship was not so lucky. First came a cracking sound, then the chilling whoosh of escaping atmosphere. Fortunately the second ended almost as soon as it began. Shego could only stare in horror at the gash in her ship.

"Sorry about that, Shego." Monty shrugged. "Computer glitch."

"Glitch my…" she shook a glowing fist at the screen. "If you didn't know how to steer that thing why didn't you say so?"

"Sorry." He repeated, even less sincerely this time. (Quite an accomplishment, really.)

"Look at my boat!" Shego protested. "I can't engage the gravimetrics: the hull would collapse! What am I going to do now?"

"Become a Star Watcher, I suspect." Monty replied. Behind him Barking surpassed a grin. "We'll make sure you get down safely."

That gave her no consolation. "Monty you…I'll sue! I'll sue you, I'll sue the Commonwealth, I'll sue the WAR!"

"You do that. I'll be your witness." He nodded. The woman ignored him as she went to suit up for a spacewalk to her skimmer. When she left her crippled ship he turned to Barkin.

"I can only hope my friendship with her won't prove to be a casualty of war."