SamSara

by TropicalRemix

The third and Final Arc to the Simple Sweetness Trilogy. The past and the present collide as the Journey of lifetimes come to a final end. I did not write this story. Shaydoe did.

10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Darien

My stomach was churning, when I acknowledged that fateful phone call. I was gripping the receiver so tightly I thought the fragile plastic might crack. I couldn't stand still, my heart was pounding and a cold sweat covered my body. Swallowing back my panic, I began pacing back and forth behind the couch. Refusing to meet anyones eyes, knowing they were full of pain and concern. Focusing my gaze downwards towards the wooden floor, remaining focused upon every word Tiger uttered.

"It's about time!" I snapped into the phone.

"Back off, man! She was upset." Tiger growled back, then sighed sadly. "Look, things have been rather tense and she has been a complete mess. Honestly, she was broken. Serenity has always been a little broken. " He amended, sadly. "But this time she was completely shattered. I needed to focus solely on her. So reporting back to you was the furthest thing from my mind, alright. So stop with the pissy attitude and be thankful I am giving you a heads up. Because things have just gone all to shit."

"Where are you!" My pacing had turned into a determined charge to get where ever Sere was. Bolting down the hall to my bedroom to pack my bags. My mind was spinning with the details of what I needed to do to get her side as quickly as possible. Sere and broken in the same sentence made me incredibly anxious. I needed to get to her.

"China...in some monastery on one of the god forsaken peeks of Mount Song." Tiger stated. "Serenity wanted to finish her training with the Dyana Master here."

"Ok...I am on my way to get her. " I muttered, shoving some underwear and jeans into a large black hiking backpack. I knew were she was...kinda. It was a start.

"You are coming to get her..." Tiger responded in bewilderment. His voice was also soft and pensive. As if reluctant to admit something very important.

"Yes! I protect whats mine and Serenity is mine! " I shouted possessively into the phone, my rage and jealousy over Tiger exploding from me unintentionally. I was adamant about running after her, desperate to make things right, to make her understand and salvage our love. I have been fighting for it relentlessly for over ten thousand years! I wasn't to going to give up in this lifetime either.

"Well, I'm not so sure that's possible." Tiger admitted slowly, sounding guilty and remorseful.

"What the hell are you talking about!" I snarled into the phone, my bag was packed and I was prepared to sling it over my

shoulder. I would move heaven and earth to get her side. When I suddenly noticed to my abashment my state of

undress. I was wearing nothing but a pair of boxers. With a grunt of displeasure, I dashed, non pulsed to my dresser and

threw open a few drawers. Tossing a black t-shirt and jeans onto the unmade bed.

Tiger took a deep breath and released it heavily into the phone. "You can't come barreling up to the monastery right now.

Like a crazed lover, so chill the fuck out!" Tiger reprimanded.

"You can't control me!" I shot back, my voice laced with threat.

"Your intrusion right now will hurt her, you dumb ass. I need you to stay put. Serenity is in a bad a way. Her body has gone into some kind of near death state called Thunkdam, from her meditated to deeply. This Shaolin Master trying to bring her back to us, does not need any more distractions. " Tiger started, but I cut him off sharply.

"What the hell is going on!" I shouted into the phone, my heart now slamming like a jackhammer against my rib cage. So filled with fear and anger over being so helpless and disconnected from her, the incredible pressure of it was seeking to explode from my body. I wanted to punch my fist through my bedroom wall just to release some the tension.

"She's fallen into a coma...the old man says its because her soul is not whole. That their is a fragment missing. Something about her human spirit being to fragile to ascend into her goddess persona. " Tiger began to explain. But my mind was already reeling with dread, as a sudden epiphany struck me like a bolt of lightening.

"Rini..." I breathed, when her soul had cried out in fear. My own soul had reacted, as if she was Serenity. Some how...that young girl owned the final piece of Princess Serenity's soul. Just like Daiki had fallen into a coma unable to fully ascend, because I had held the final piece of Endymion's soul.

"She's fighting for her life now, her Genesis is trying to devour her." Tiger's voice was low and raspy as if fighting back tears. "I am at her side, Darien. I will not leave her until she finds her way back to us. I promise. I will call every night to keep you posted. Alright. So just stay put and trust in me. I will bring her back to you." Tiger vowed, hanging up abruptly.

Leaving me staring in bewildered fear at the dead receiver. A cold panic, gripping my heart and stealing my breath. All blood rushed from my face, leaving me pale and shaking. I suddenly felt light headed and unable to cope, falling to my knees as a full on panic attack washed over me.

"You can't leave me...Serenity...not again...not again..." I whispered, bowing my head and pounding my fists against the floor in agony.

Sere

I remember in my high school psychology class we learned about the five stages of grief a person passes through after the death of a loved one: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then finally acceptance. I was able to reflect now upon my life... or lives. I guess. I had lived so many and in many ways my own reincarnations had been dealing with the grief...of my first life.

Serenity Moon

1995 to present

(Acceptance)

My lives felt very much like a dream, a parade of fruitless endeavours that resulted in nothing but death. I found only suffering and regret in each life. A desperation for happiness always denied. But certain moments stood out, like flashing beacons amid the despair. They were moments of truth, of clarity that explained my twisted existence. Molding my soul in so many small ways, defining who I was today. As of now, I was a broken soul, a chaotic puzzle of rebirth. As I sifted through my past lives I began putting the pieces together, to understand my greater purpose.

Three hours had past, since I started going through the paperwork for the club. Ido had indulged me in this endeavour. This fragment of normalcy I craved so desperately. I wanted a career, a place in the world to call my own. So he helped me by becoming one of my many silent partners in this club. I had been open for almost a year now and business was brisk. I was no longer tied to a hectic concert schedule that spanned the whole of Japan and several other continents. My concerts were now stationary events at this club only. I had been scared at first that my popularity would wain if I stopped touring. But my fans proved loyal and very eager to pay the ticket prices for my elaborate performances. I loved being a club owner, being on stage and capturing the hearts of my fans and impressing new ones. Taking my patrons away from their daily lives and on beautiful musical journey's that defied reality. But the long hours going over the inventory logs and monthly budgets was just gruelling. I hated it, but as a responsible adult. I buckled down each month and got the paper work filed.

My head ached and my eyes felt red and irritated from straining. I had been hunched over my desk in the club office for what seemed like forever. It was a tiny little cubbie hole set just off from the main entrance, just past the restrooms. It was just large enough to hold a large metal desk and black mesh office chair. It had no windows and little to no air circulation so it the air was stale and smelled slightly sour from my sweat. The walls were bare, not wanting any distractions when I went into this cell. I needed to focus on my work or I would never get it all done. I had a computer set in the corner of the desk, a keyboard set before the monitor. Tonight I had been entering data from the written books onto the digital logs. My fingers were cramping up and I was starting to get rather grumpy.

When a knock sounded on my office door, followed by a "Yoo-hoo, boss-lady, its me. I got pistachio ice cream and two spoons."

Smiling, I tucked the books away in the filing cabinet set beside the desk and went to let Akihiko in.

He was smiling a little to brightly when I opened the door. Holding up two metal spoons, he practically sashayed into the small room. Only Akihiko could pull of that kind of a corny move and still look good. He was a club kid, had been since he

turned sixteen and could sneak in with fake id's. Born and raised in Osaka. Akihiko was obsessively trendy. Wearing all the latest fashions and a polished look that made him stand out even in the outlandish crowds of the club scene. He had his short spikey hair bleached white with the tips a dark midnight black. Wearing a heavy leather biker's jacket, full of patches from underground bands and skateboard icons. A worn white t-shirt with the face of a roaring panther ironed on the front. With baggy cargo jeans, that hung dangerously off his narrow hips. With far to many chains and buckles then was necessary. His feet were adorned in a worn out pair of black leather, steel toe boots.

He was my eyes and ears at the rival clubs, a loyal fan who always kept me up to date as to what was drawing the crowds. So that I could adjust my own shows accordingly to keep my beats hot and my club packed. He was also gay, a terrible flirt and a gossip whore. But I loved him, over the last year he had become one of my dearest friends.

I closed the door and returned to my desk, waiting as he settled himself down on the leather stool set at the corner of the desk.

"I'll admit it now, this isn't a business call." He started with a charming smile. His slightly slanted eyes becoming slits, nearly disappearing as his rounded cheeks rose upward with his bright grin. His dark, warm brown eyes sparkling with joy and amusement. "This is a bribe. I want to know all about your latest date with Daiki Shinoda. Every last, delicious detail because, girlfriend that boy is hot!"

I laughed and shook my head. There was no way I could talk to him about Daiki. We were not an item, we were just partners. I was on assignment for Ido, to work with Daiki to uncover what Tomoe's latest threat was in Osaka. That was all. The fact that Akihiko had caught us leaving a cafe in the gentrified neighbourhood of Namba a couple weeks back, as if we were on a date was just coincidence.

"Indulge me, please. That man stars in several of my wet fantasies." he begged, giving me a sad, adorable pout that had me laughing again.

Akihiko winked and slid a spoon my way.

"Spill it, woman!" He commanded, popping the top off the ice cream tub.

"I am afraid you are looking for juicy info that does not exist. Daiki is a nice guy but nothing is going on between us. He is merely a business partner and that lunch was just a boring funding meeting for my next DJ project. " I gave him an indulgent smile, taking my first spoon full of ice cream.

Akihiko cocked an eyebrow. "Really? Not even a little kiss?"

"Uh, no" I sputtered, desperate to conceal the sudden blush heating my cheeks. I averted my face to the computer screen as if checking my work. In truth I had already experienced a very steamy first kiss with Daiki a few weeks back during a warehouse steak out. I could still feel his lips, pressing possessively against mine and the yearning tingle for more that vibrated against my mouth when he had abruptly pulled away.

Akihiko dug into the ice cream, with a confused frown. "That makes no sense. The man is straight, I'd know if he wasn't. Also, any straight man would be on you like white on rice." He paused, looking at me sceptically. "Your got it all, packed nice and neat in one petite little sexy package." He sighed, cutting the tip of his spoon into the ice cream while he thought it through. "Damn, that's it. He isn't single. I didn't think about that, crap. I was hoping you were about to get some action with a piece of Grade A meat." He sounded disappointed, not for himself but for me.

I cringed and laughed at the same time. But in my stomach I felt sick, my ego a bit deflated at the prospect that Daiki may have a girlfriend back in Tokyo. He was known as a serious high class playboy around Japan. Perhaps he was grooming me as his girl on the side. A convenient fuck, while on assignment here in Osaka. I was starting to get depressed.

"I figured you haven't dated anyone since I've known you, because your picky and no one achieves your lofty expectations. I mean you are a frick'in D.J Idol! You would require your man to be rich and as hot and successful as you are." He started, spouting off again. "Pickings around Osaka are slim to none. The hotties are getting ticked off the list rapidly." Akihiko took a big bite of ice cream like he was the one depressed.

I on the other hand had lost my appetite.

"I was so sure, too. When I saw you guys shopping in Namba, that something of the doki doki nature was brewing between you. You two were walking way to close to each other to be just friends and Daiki kept checking you out when ever you weren't looking. Giving you that hungry look, all men get when they are extremely attracted to someone." Akihiko waved his spoon at me dubiously. "I would have bet my left nut he was hot after your ass and wanted a taste."

At that point, I decided to take a small bite of ice cream to curb the turmoil now churning inside me.

"There you go, eat the creamy goodness and lets talk about something else." he offered, taking another huge bite.

"Is your sister coming to pick you up or do you have to take the train?" I was eager to change to subject and took the opening in the conversation to steer it his way. Akemi was his paternal twin and the exact opposite of Akihiko. She was down to earth, logical and incredibly driven. She had just graduated from Tokyo University with a bachelors in business administration. I wagered in ten years she would be a CEO of a major company here in Japan.

"Yeah, Akemi just started a new job as a help desk operator for Shinoda Industries." he mouthed around a large chunk of ice cream. "Good pay, bad hours." He mumbled, "So maybe. She'll text if she can swing by and pick me up." He shrugged, taking another huge bite. "Other wise its the crazy commuter express for me. At least it's entertaining..." he grimaced. "All kinds of alien life forms take the train at this ungodly hour, including me." he laughed boisterously.

We must have talked for several hours, until a sharp ding on his phone alerted him of a incoming text.

He never said a word, but all the color drained from his face in an instant. He jumped to his feet and raced out of my office at top speed.

I stood and started to follow him out, but I couldn't keep up. Akihiko was prone to a great deal of drama and this might not be anything to serious. So I stood in my doorway, worried but refusing to go after him. If he really needed me he would call, until then. I would wait and hope that it was just another lover's spat. Akihiko had many lover's, he didn't do relationships and that only complicated his life.

It was way past midnight when, I had gone home to my two story condo that was attached to the north side of the club. I knew I would be putting in some long hours being a club owner and I didn't want to have to travel very far to crawl into my warm bed. So I had drawn up an attached apartment when I had designed 'The Silver Millennium.' My cell phone started to play the latest Chill-step rhythm I had been obsessed over for the last few weeks. Light headed and half coherent I fumbled on my nightstand trying to grab it. Once my finger's curled around the hard plastic, I pressed the screen against my ear. Squinting my heavy eyes open just a crack to groan as if in pain, when I noticed the time on my digital clock. I had barely been asleep for forty-five minutes it was already into the wee hours of the morning.

"Serenity..." Akihiko's voice muttered out to me, low and hoarse as if he had been crying very hard recently.

"Akihiko...what's going on?" I asked, quickly coming to my senses, as I shot up in bed. I had been very worried about him since his abrupt departure earlier. Now I was going to be able to access the crisis he was in and help if needed. I always hated the waiting when things got difficult for my friends, I wanted to take action and solve all their problems.

"There was a fire at the office, Akemi worked at..." He could barely speak, his words sounding hallow and breathless. "She's gone into surgery...the doctor doesn't know if she's going to make it...I can't be alone right now. Please come." he pleaded, his voice shuddering into gasps as he desperately sought to hold in his sobs.

"I'm on my way...which hospital?" I was out of bed and racing for my clothes. That were currently in a heap near my antique oak dresser. My tastes in furnishings were kinda eclectic, I liked old things, frilly girly styles and lots of pastel colors. So my spaces usually resembled a Martha Stewart catalogue, crossed with major kawaii accents.

I typically wore dark dress pants and a simple blouse when working in the office, wanting to look professional just incase one of my silent partners or distributor's showed up. Personally I would rather be in a pair of comfy pants and a t-shirt when forced to sit in front of a computer screen for hours on end. With a sigh, I threw on my stuffy business attire and tucked my phone, keys and wallet into my pants pockets before leaving the house.

I found Akihiko standing before the double doors to the operating room down in the intensive care ward of Osaka General. He was as still as a stone and very pale. His eyes were red rimmed and puffy from crying, there was no light in his eyes, they seemed to stare vacantly as if lifeless. His expression was dull, his mouth drawn into a pensive frown. He looked as if his soul had been ripped out of him, leaving behind nothing by a husk of the person he once was.

I approached him cautiously, not wanting to startle him.

"Akihiko?" I placed my hand on his shoulder, gently alerting him to my pressence.

He stared at the small windows of the doors. "I have to wait here...that is what they said...the doctors." His voice was weak and droned in a monotone of shock and bewilderment. "That was all they said...they didn't tell me if she would ever open her eyes again, or smile, or laugh...or..." His voice trailed off into nothing. "I only know that my heart and my soul are back there, with her and I may never get them back." He stated more strongly, swallowing hard as silent tears crept down his face.

"Lets go sit down." I offered.

"No!" He shouted, his whole body went rigid as if he was planting his feet into the floor. "They told me to wait here...If I move they may not find me. I am to scared to leave this spot. I have to focus on this door, so that she comes back to me."

"Have you heard anything?" I asked, he merely shook his head.

"She's in surgery that's all they have told me." he admitted, never taking his eyes off the door. His wet eyes so focused upon those blank doors, it was as if he was seeking to penetrate them with his sight alone. "I'm not there...to hold her hand. I can't even tell her that she is going to be ok. She's alone and she needs me..." He shuddered, clenching his teeth and hissing to keep his fragile calm.

I could see how completely devastated he was, nothing made sense to him anymore. She was his twin, she had been beside him his whole life, she was his best friend. They had grown up together and then moved out on their own, into the same apartment... together. They shared every aspect of their lives and losing her, having to face the future alone. Was the most terrifying prospect to him.

I wanted to hold him, reassure him...give him hope. But that would only burden him further and hurt him more if things didn't work out how he wished. He could only handle cold hard truth right now, I had to maintain a respectful distance. Take charge and care for him, until we knew the outcome. Then I would be what ever he needed, his friend, his confidant or emotional punching bag.

"Alright,then I am going to go see if I can get an update from the nurse." I squeezed his shoulder offering him my support, he barely nodded before I headed down the hall to the nurses station.

I didn't know if it was going be ok, if Akemi was going to make it. I had heard reports over the radio while I drove here. Stating that a bomb had gone off in the lobby of the Shinoda Industries building, trapping all the employee's working the night shift on the upper floors. The fire had spread quickly, devouring the floors beneath until the first five floors collapsed. Akemi and her co-workers would have fallen several floors and been trapped under tons of debris. The emergency teams were still digging through the rubble trying to locate survivors... or bodies.

So many questions were haunting me, who planted the bomb? Was it Tomoe? If it was, then all roads led back to Ido and this mission I was currently on with Daiki. Making this event sorta my fault. I was sick of their war and all the innocent causalities that seemed to be piling up over the years. Ido still proclaimed the moral high ground every time we argued over how he was handling Tomoe's indiscriminate attacks. Selfishly, I hoped it was one of Daiki's grandfather's many mafia enemies. They would be much easier to seek retribution from then Tomoe. That horrible old man had more people out to kill and destroy him financially then I could count.

Because I couldn't handle feeling any more regret. All the blood shed that had surrounded me, since my Genesis State had manifested was hard to deal with. The knowledge that I could never do anything to protect the people I held dear from the evils of this world. Or even right the wrongs done to them and their families by those who held power or affluence over them. The futility of it all was more than I could bear at times. I had fantasied many times over the years of having enough power to recreate this world. To purge the darkness that lurked inside every human heart and bring the earth into a future of peace and property. I would give up everything, even my own life. If I could wield that power and create that perfect reality.

The nurse at the desk proved to be less then useful, so I returned to Akihiko's side with no further information. He never spoke and I merely slipped my hand into his, holding it tight. Knowing that this simple gesture helped. It offered support, it might even make him feel stronger. More capable of handling what ever outcome walked out of the that door when the Doctor returned. My pressence was helping to hold him together, so that he would not shatter into a million pieces while waiting for his sister to return.

I had no idea how many hours had passed, but time didn't seem to start up again until those doors swung open. The doctor was a middle aged, balding man with a pudgy waste line. He wasn't over weight but his nutrition was definitely neglected. I guess with the long hours he put in here at the hospital, eating properly wasn't a priority. His attire was professional and spoke of prestige. With a crisp white button down shirt, tucked into a pair of grey dress pants. A black leather belt barely held the pants up, as the weight of his stomach pressed threateningly upon it. A long white lab coat billowed behind him as he strode with purpose out of the double doors. Scanning the area, his tired eyes fell on Akihiko. There was a professional calm about him but the sorrow mirrored in the depths of his brown eyes was screaming at me.

Panic gripped my heart and I squeezed Akihiko's hand more tightly.

He had stopped breathing, as the doctor approached.

"Are you Akemi Tachibana's immediate family?" He asked.

All Akihiko could do was nod mutely, so I stepped up to speak for him.

"Yes, this is her brother." I offered.

The doctor nodded and then guided us over into a small waiting room down the hall. It was pristine, uncluttered and overly clean. With white walls and three plush black leather chairs, a small matching couch sat under the one window with a fake wood coffee table set before it.

I recognized that type of room instantly, it was a mourning room. This was a place doctors took family members to deliver bad news in private. My throat constricted instantly as Akihiko sat heavily upon a chair. He was astute enough to know what this room was used for as well. I quickly sat in the chair beside him, sensing the overwhelming weight of grief now resting upon his hunched frame. While the doctor sat in the chair before us.

"I need to know..." Akihiko chocked out, squeezing his eyes shut as if he was about to receive a physical blow.

"We lost her...the internal damage was to severe." The doctor stated crisply, his voice a level, professional monotone.

Akihiko gasped, his free hand shooting up to grip his mouth. Pinching his lips with his fingers fiercely, holding back his screams of misery. While his other hand gripped mine so hard I felt the small bones in my fingers grinding together.

I clenched my teeth and endured the pain, my dear friends world had just collapsed around him. I could easily endure this discomfort on his behalf. All the air seemed to be sucked out of the room, leaving us all in a grim silence for several minutes.

The doctor politely placed a clip board he had been carrying down on a small table that was set before us.

"Miss Tachibana was an organ donor, I will need your signature as her immediate family to consent to the harvesting of her body. I will return in a few minutes to retrieve the paper work. I am truly sorry for your loss, but take heart. That her death, offers new life to many children and adults who desperately need healthy organs." He then stood and offered his condolences one last time before leaving the room.

As soon the door closed, Akihiko broke down into heart wrenching sobs. His grief tore at my heart, as I curled him protectively into my chest. As he wailed and cried like a child in my arms. I could do nothing to comfort him, he had lost a piece of his soul tonight. All I could do was hold him close and wish that I had the power to fix this cruel, uncaring world. In just a short time I would be given the opportunity to grasp that power...in the form of my crystal. It would take me at least a year longer to accept the true price of wielding that power.

Serena Tsukino

2008-2011

(Depression)

I had been given a second chance at life. After everything I had ever know had been ripped away from me in the matter of one very tragic afternoon. Me and my family were taken into the custody of a secret organization called 'The Agency'. They had promised to protect us, to relocate my father, brother and I to the States under new names and a new identities. I had been forced to leave behind all my memories of Japan, all of which included my mom. Smuggled into South Korea, we had lived in seclusion on a U.S Naval Base for the next few months. It had taken this agency six months to get us legally into the United States. It was long enough for my nine year old brother, who would be known as Sammy from now on. To heal enough not to cry when we talked about our mother. My father though, he's was still an absolute mess. He blames himself for what happened to our mom and for ruining our lives. He has crawled so deep into a bottle, I can't even reach him anymore. We don't talk about mom, we don't really talk anymore period. I take care of 'Sammy' and myself and I'm barely thirteen. Forced to accept the aftermath of my father's choices and what comes next. Now we were on some over packed commercial jet, flying over the Pacific Ocean headed to that new life. The only thing I had left of my old one, was packed in an army backpack. That I held in my lap, my arm wrapped around it and pressing it up against my chest like a shield. I couldn't deal with what was happening. So I had my headphones on, listening to a very angry, angst filled play list I used with I needed to purge myself of negative, violent emotions. Thankfully I got the window seat, so I had my temple pressed up against the cold glass. Blindly watching the white layer of clouds speeding by beneath the planes huge wing. My thoughts churning in a vicious round of impotent rage, unable to do anything about my situation or what was to become of me now.

I hated this!

I hated how screwed up my life had gotten, how Shingo had become my responsibility. How broken my father had become and above all else. I hated having to go hide in America! When all I wanted to do was go back to Japan and kill those bastards who murdered my mother!

When we landed at the International Airport in Washington. Two american agents met us at the gate and shuffled us off immediately to a large U-haul parked in the loading zone outside the massive glass doors of the main terminal. My father spoke with them for only a few minutes, getting maps and a folder that contained all our information to start a new life. I stood glaring daggers at all three men, glancing from time to time at 'Sammy'. Who was currently entertaining himself by walking backwards in small circles around me. He hadn't strayed to far from my side since mom's death. He used to be such a bold, fun loving kid. Into all kinds of sports and made friends easily. Now he's introverted and sorta strange.

Being cooped up on a military base with nothing to do and no other kids to talk to. And the fact that there was such a large age gap between us, I guess he had to come up with ways to have fun. Today was backwards day.

In which he spends most of the time walking everywhere backwards, talking backwards and even requesting to eat his meals in the opposite order. I had indulged him before, cooking him breakfast for supper and vice versa. My father didn't care, he was always either so depressed he could even get out of bed for the day or so drunk he was just unconscious. Either way he had checked out as a parent long ago and I had sorta given up on him. It was surprising that he was keeping it together now?

"Boring is this, truck the in get lets, Serena." He says, with a smug smile. Weaving through the small group of passing tourists towards the curb.

I sighed and follow him, mounting the step and crawling into the cab after him. Kenji...I mean our father Ken climbed up into the driver seat a few minutes later.

I lean forward giving him a cursory once over, trying to determine how many beers if any he had drank already today. We really didn't need to get into an accident or draw attention to ourselves by having the local sheriffs pull us over for erratic driving.

My father passed me a stern look, confirming that he was coherent enough to drive us to our new home. Over the next few days, he managed to keep himself together. I never saw him drink more then a couple beers in the mornings over breakfast. Then a few more with our supper when got motel room for the night. It was just enough alcohol to keep the edge off, but not enough to completely intoxicate him.

We completed the last nine-hour stretch through out the night in complete silence. My father had given up on conversation with me two days back. Since I had been brooding, since the plane landed. I wasn't very talkative and he wasn't the same strong, confident man I had known back in Tokyo. When awake, Sammy would engage us both in travel games or U.S trivia. Giving us a false sense of family bonding, now that he was asleep, curled up on the bench with his head on my lap. The true nature of our broken family echoed in that heavy silence.

I had my headphones on, once again lost to watching the dark flat prairie fly past the trucks window. While dad struggled to stay awake and complete the last leg our journey.

As we closed in on the small north western city that was to be our new home. The morning sun was just cresting over the yellow fields on the horizon. The flat endless sky warmed in a flawless aura of bright reds and oranges. The beauty of such a large sky was not lost on me, but still my ability to fully appreciate it was still stained by the circumstances that had led me here. As the world flared back into full color, the murky demi-light of pre-dawn banished yet again as a new day took hold. I slowly, began to take in my surroundings. The fact that is was September and the heater in the truck was on. I new that fall in America was a lot colder then it was in Japan. I didn't like the cold and I was not looking forward to winter.

As he made a final turn onto our street, I thinned my lips in disgust. It was a small cul-de-sac lined with about ten single story brick houses on either side. It was a low income neighbourhood, mostly rental units. I figured renting a house was the easiest way for the 'agency to hide our identities'.

There was a basketball hoop in one of the driveways up the street, it gave me hope that Sammy would have someone to play with. The area was run down though, the lawns poorly kept and cluttered with bits of garbage and trashed furniture. More startling was the couple of rusted out cars parked on the lawns of a few houses near the back of the street. It didn't look like the safest place to live but I figured it was definitely the cheapest.

I knew from looking through the folder back at the motel a few days back, which house was to be ours. It was small, really small. We had had a large, spacious, two story home back in Tokyo. In a higher income neighbourhood of Minato-

ku. With a well manicured front lawn and a large backyard. Full of trees and flowers. Big enough for a garden and a tree house, I even had a tree swing then.

There was way to much concrete here. The miniscule amount of greenery in the tiny yards was depressing. The front door of our house was propped open and I could see an elderly man, dressed in a plaid button down shirt and baggy jeans, being held up a pair of rainbow suspenders walk out. Who, I assumed was our landlord, strolled across the lawn and waved. My father drove past the tiny, bungalow style house and then backed the truck up into the driveway. I reached down and nudged Sammy awake. He had been passed out since the last state we drove through.

"Shin...crap. I mean Sammy. We're here." I whispered into his ear, it was going to take a long time yet for me to get used to our new names. We never bothered to use them back in Korea, but as soon as we touched down in the States. Our father had been adamant that we get used to using them. We did not want our cover blown and have to move again. I didn't want that either so I had been trying very hard to get used to using them.

Sammy groaned and then stretched he legs out, our father had already parked and abandoned the truck to talk to the landlord. So Sammy had all the leg room in the world to get the kinks out of his short body.

He groggily sat up, scanning the street and our meager front yard blearily.

"Hey, there's a kid in our yard!" He cried, pointing out my window. I turned with a tired sigh, this was the beginning of our new life. Finding a boy about Sammy's age, wearing an old worn out, angry birds t-shirt and frayed shorts. In a pair of rain boots of all things at the tail end of summer. He had tight, curly red hair and a heavy layer of freckles over a very round, sweet looking face.

"You better hop out and introduce yourself, he might be a neighbour." I instructed.

Sammy nodded and scrambled out of the truck. While I roll down my window, watching him talk briefly with the boy in his broken english.

"Sammy, who you?" He asked, with a timid smile.

"Morris Johnson, I lived a couple houses up the block with my mom." he pointed up the street.

I leaned my head back against the bench and sighed deeply, as the two fast friends began to run and fool around on the sidewalk. Soon using imaginary swords against each other. I was instantly jealous of my little brother. Of the fact that he can just accept everything and roll with the changes as if it doesn't really matter. But I knew deep down it was all a mask, he was putting on a strong for our fathers sake. Who was as emotionally fragile as thin glass. Sadly, I knew the truth of it, that at night Shingo still cried for our mother and clung to me like a frightened child. He was terrified of the world now and needed me to give him the strength and support to carry on. But ever since we left Washington, I was being the angry, bitter child who hates the whole world. I could be such a selfish, self absorb brat. Wallowing in my own issues and not being responsible. I vowed in that moment to devote myself to caring for my family. My dad didn't need any more crap to deal with. I needed to step up and be what he needed for a change, take care of him and Sammy. Until this nightmare blew over and we could get our real lives back.

I spent nearly four years, pinning for the life I had left behind. Never being able to feel satisfied with what I had. I wasn't ever truly happy, no matter how hard I tried. Always restless and searching for that nameless something that could fill the empty void I held in my soul.

Usagi Tsukino

1995-2008

(Bargaining)

"Mama, tell me a story about the Celestial People? About the Moon and her Mighty Kingdom?" My voice, sweet but timid with the tilting lisp of a small child. Echoed in my mind, along with a long forgotten warmth. That washed away the anger and sadness of my previous memories.

"Get into the tub first, dear. Then while I wash you, I will tell you a story. Alright." Her voice was soothing and full of delight.

I always made her happy, my innocent antics always made her laugh.

"Here hold my hand." She offered, I still could not see her. The fog of transition as I moved into another life time still obscuring my sight. But suddenly I felt the familiar smooth skin brush up against the palm of my hand. The soft scent of lavender filled my nose as the memory began to form. Soap bubbles floated before me, glistening in the brightness of our large tiled bathroom. They swirled like fragile prisms, bursting before my eyes as my tiny hands smashed them into

the water. The bath water quickly fell away as I turned to view my mother. Who's brilliantly warm smile was like a beacon that always made me feel safe. She was beautiful, with long dark hair that fell down her back in silken waves. Her face was gentle, her eyes a deep blue and oh so serene.

Ikuko Tsukino was perfect...the most wonderful mother I could ever ask for.

The heat of the water surrounded me, as I basked in it's peaceful nature. It wrapped around me like a blanket, taking away all the aches I felt from a long day of hard play. The water smelled heavenly, as she had added rose hips and lavender oil to the bath. I was barely four years old at the time, but I loved the fairy tales my mother would weave for me at night. When I had a bath or was having trouble settling in my bed at night. I came to realize as I began to ascend that these tales were not something so innocent as a story to entertain me or get me to sleep. But had really happened to me in the distant past, in my very first life. That she would know all of this and in such great detail...left me shaken inside. Who was she? Who was the real Ikuko Tsukino?

"Why is the water so warm?" I moaned, finding the heat rather painful to my cuts and bruises, that I had accumulated over the last few days. It had been summer and I was rather prone to climbing trees. My father Kenji had come to nick name me little monkey.

"Because I'm not bathing you tonight, sweetie. I'm making soup!" Ikuko laughed softly, tickling me playfully under the arms making me giggle in delight.

"Stop teasing, Mama." I cried, my childish laughter echoing happily through out the bathroom. "Tell me about the Moon. Are the people anything like us?" I relented desperate to get her back on track before I was all washed up and the bath finished. Ikuko leaned back on her heels, away from the rim of the tub. Her body sheathed in a simple flower printed sun dress. Her belly swollen large with pregnancy. Crossing her bare arms over her ample breasts, her face was tranquil, but her dark blue eyes were clouded with memory.

"In some ways, yes. They look like humans do, but are more graceful. Their bone structure is more delicate and refined then earths and their coloring is different." She stated.

"How different?" I asked.

"The coloring of a planets people is a reflection of that planets soul. Earthlings skin tones are vibrant and diverse as is the planet itself. They imbue all the strength and wonder of nature, while the natives of the Moon. Were more tranquil and serene. The immortal children of the gods, born from the very fabric of the cosmos itself. They had pale skin tones and hair as pure silver as the starlight." She explained, her expression one of sad irreverence. The feel of her fingers, penetrating my twin buns. Pinching and pulling free the many hair pins. The gentle release of my long hair tumbling down my shoulder's and then the slight weight of the water soaking into the golden strands.

"Now for instance, if you were from Mars. This beautiful golden hair, that your father is so fond of. Would be a deep brown or as dark and mysterious as the night sky. Your sweet blue eyes more deep and soulful. Your skin would be dusky, less rosy. You stature lean and sublime as a hunter, your mind capable to traversing the planes of the dead." A cascade of warm water enveloped me, as she poured a bucket of bath water over my head. Needing to soak my long hair and make sure all the dirt and sweat of the day was washed out. Sputtering and blinking, I sought to distance myself from her. Wading to the far side of the tub. I never realized till I was older that she washed me like I was an American child, using the tub water to cleanse my hair and body.

"Mama!" I wailed indignantly. As she never gave me any warning before she did that.

"Gomen, I never expected you to turn that way." She apologized, leaning over to the wooden stool I would sit upon when I got older to take showers. Retrieving a soft white towel, with cute little black cats racing along the hem. She swiftly wiped the excess water away from my face with a soft corner.

"Did the Celestial People have little girls?" I wondered.

"Yes, and little boys. Men and women and houses and cities, great castles and majestic keeps atop great mountains.

They just looked different then what you have seen here on earth." She confided, refolding the towel and setting it aside.

"Will I ever get to see them? Will I ever be able to ascend to the heaven's, see the Moon Palace and meet Princess Serenity?" My voice was wistful and full of hope.

My memory condensed in that moment to a pin point focus, upon my mother face. As she gently caressed my cheek, the sadness in her eyes growing deeper. As if she truly remembered that time so long ago.

"We will see, Usagi dear. We live here, on earth now. Your father would miss you if you went away." She reminded me tenderly, "What would we do with out our girl." She added with a gentle laugh.

Upon reflection after so much had happened to me, I found her statement rather odd. She had known there was a chance, as remote as it was. That I could ascend into my goddess form again, reclaim my crystal and my kingdom. She seemed reluctant to hope, perhaps fearful of what I could become or if I would even survive the process...

"I'd be safe up on the Moon, Mama. Wouldn't I...? The Celestial people would not hate me, even though I'm human." I questioned.

Mother had looked away, rummaging at her side. "No one would ever hate you." She drew up high on her knees with that same large towel. Now pulled wide to receive me. "Stand up and step out carefully, Usagi." She commanded.

I felt the chill of the air as I stood, leaving the comfort of the water behind as I stepped out of the tub. She quickly wrapped me up in the towel, soothing away the goose flesh that had pimpled along my arms and legs. The soft fabric rubbing against my skin, as she dried every inch of my body. Then the smooth cotton of my night gown falling over my body.

"Come, sit in my lap in the living room while I brush you hair." She offered, taking my hand and guiding me out of the bathroom. I padded happily behind her was we walked down the hall, past the kitchen archway and then crossed the front foyer. Passing under the archway into our large living room. It was a beautifully furnished space, the walls filled with artwork. Delicate images of simple things, such as a field of wild flowers, lonely old buildings and the various evening landscapes that showed the phases of the moon. All painted by my mother's own hand.

This room had large windows that were now allowing the faint light of dusk to invade our beautiful home. The world outside was muted and serene, the moon had yet to show it's face and the last rays of the sun were reluctant to let go of the horizon. This was my most favourite time of the day, the in between time when both the sun and the moon shared the sky.

I scanned the room, finding my father lounging in his black leather recliner before the television. Still in his white dress shirt and suit pants from work. The top button undone and his tie hanging loose around his neck. It was evening and after supper so he was finally relaxing. Taking slow, savouring sips from the stout neck bottle of his rice beer. There was a loud variety show blaring out from the t.v. I found myself watching the silly antics of the performers. As my mother settled me down on her lap on our plush tan couch. She continued with her stories, of the long ago past. Of great kingdoms long crumbled to dust, of brave knights and heroic princesses who had fallen so deeply in love with their princes. Not even death could separate them. These stories invoked such a powerful sense of longing in me, I felt moved to tears every time she told them.

But this was were I felt safe, loved...happy...

This was...

Home.

I decided then that I didn't need anything more. I felt I could be content with this simple, parental love. I didn't need the earth shattering passion and devotion that Princess Serenity had experience with Prince Endymion. I felt if I willed myself to be content and not strive for more then I could stay in this perfect bubble forever.

I was loved, cherished...by this woman known as Ikuko Tsukino. In my eyes she was the most beautiful person I have ever known. With long ebony black hair that hung in loose waves down her back and the warmest blue eyes. Always full of delight when I bounded into her arms. She had a kind face, with pale skin that was absolutely flawless. Soft spoken but firm as a mother, always looking out for me. Scolding me when my play turned dangerous, or when I stubbornly broke her rules as I got older. I remember her as fair but demanding, she wanted me to work harder in school. Believing I was squandering my potential on frivolous things, such as listening to popular music or reading manga. She encouraged my love of music in other ways, paying for piano lessons. She had been wanting to teach me how to listen. To tune my ears to the subtly of sound, the elegance of rhythm and the complexity of musical notes. That only a classically trained musician would understand. But I quickly grew bored with the piano and begged her to allow me to quit. She fought me at first, using such motherly tactics such as guilt and disappointment to keep me going to my lessons. Finally relenting when I turned ten, finally noticing that I was practising the piano like a robot with no interest or passion at what I was doing. Just going through the motions, trying to make her happy even though I was miserable. So in the end she bought me my headphones and allowed me to explore music in my own ways.

I had had a good life, until the day she was killed...

Serenity Durant

1979- 1995

(Anger)

"What the hell happened to your face?" A man's deep voice, speaking in french. Invades the darkness as one life passes away for another. The warmth and comfort I had felt before, dissipates like a dream. Leaving me feeling empty...cold and somewhat nauseous. As another less pleasant life takes hold.

My world slowly illuminates before me, as the unshaven face of a middle aged man dominates my vision. He is in his late thirties, with a heavy beard of dull brown specked with grey and thinning hair to match atop his head. He has a narrow face, with sallow skin from poor nutrition. His hazel eyes are slightly unfocused as he has clearly been drinking.

He has a good grasp upon my chin, forcing me to crane my neck upward at a painful angle. As he turns my head back and forth scrutinizing my injury. I refuse to answer him, stubbornly pressing my lips together tight. Knowing it was useless to confide in him. He was not a reliable person and kinda a coward. He would do nothing to protect me from my mother's abusive boyfriends. With a huff he lets go and walks across our small galley kitchen towards the beat up old refrigerator. Dressed in a pair of old baggy jeans and a stained t-shirt, with a faded jean jacket thrown over top. He walks with a shuffle, his left leg having gotten busted a decade ago and never being set right.

I remember him...Henri. He had been a fixture in my mom's life when I was in elementary school. He would drop by several times a week, looking for food or smokes. He was just one of her free loading friends. I was thankful, she didn't fool around with Henri like she did with the other men she brought by. Probably because Henri had nothing to offer, he didn't deal drugs or have money for alcohol. He was basicly a welfare check away from the streets, just like us.

With a disgruntled sigh, I watch as he rummages through our fridge no longer interested in me. I have always been easily dismissed in this tiny, run down apartment. I turn and leave the kitchen, taking about two steps out of the small alcove and into our living room. Finding my mother sprawled out unconscious on our beaten up old grey polyester love seat. The living room was spartan, with only the small couch and a large wooden rocking chair. With a large purple afghan draped over the wide back. The far corner held a small square television, set up on a couple stacked wooden crates. The screen slightly cracked in the lower corner. Both antennae were rusted and bent from my futile efforts over the years to get cable stations.

Our coffee table was a discarded wooden spool for electrical wire, my mother had stolen from a construction site. She had actually made one of her boyfriends haul it up here, the same neanderthal that had ruffed me up last night. The ugly piece of trash was to large for our living room, taking up all the walking space we had between the furniture and smelled of grease. Several empty beer bottles covered the top along with an overflowing ashtray. A vodka bottle was still partly gripped in her hand, as her arm dangled over the cushions.

She was mess, but I had only known her this way. Her long pale platinum blond hair hung like a dishevelled rag down her back. I had not reminded her lately to bathe, she had been in a drunken stupor for most this week. She smelled of stale alcohol and the spicy scent of sweat. She had a delicate, all most angelic face. She would have been very beautiful if she had taken care of herself. But she had dark circles under her eyes and her skin was worn and blemished by the amount alcohol she consumed daily. She smoked and did drugs if she could get her hands on them so that didn't help her complexion any either. Her clothes smelled like an ashtray and her breath always had a slightly foul scent. She was dressed in nothing but an oversized black rocker's t-shirt, with the ironed on decals of roses and skulls of an American heavy metal band. That was quite popular in the States, known as Guns and Roses. A shirt I had no doubt belonged to the bastard who had thrown me around. She hadn't been wearing it when I had left to hide out in our shared bedroom. Which meant that she had either sold herself for a fix, or been taken advantage off because she was drunk off her ass again. I hoped she was at least wearing underwear beneath.

"I gotta get to school, Henri. Could you hang out around here, till my mom wakes up? Tell her to eat something." I inquired, with little enthusiasm. Her diet of late had consisted of beer and smokes and I didn't want to deal with her having to go to the hospital for dehydration again. Henri would either do as I wished or not. Either way, I'd deal. I had learned to take care of myself and her from a very young age. I depended on no one but myself. Dragging the afghan off the rocker and covering Selene up as best I could. I did not want Henri getting any unsavoury idea's in his half lucid head about taking advantage of my mother's unconscious state.

"Sure." Came his reply.

I sighed and headed down our short hallway set off from the living area where the one bedroom we shared was. Stoping in the bathroom to give my face a brief once over and review my story for my teacher. I really did not want social services getting involved in my life again. I could not afford to be taken away and sent into the custody of Social Services. I had to care for my mother, if not for me I think she would have drank herself to death long ago.

Our bathroom was more of a glorified closet, with a tiny tub, toilet and cracked porcelain sink. The rusty framed mirror sported a long spider web crack in the upper left corner. I took a good long look at myself. Finding a tired, haggard looking eight year old version of myself staring back. My long golden blonde hair hung down my back, my parted bangs hanging low over my eyes. Sporting a bruise around my right eye, the upper lid still slightly swollen making that blue eye squint. My cheek was still rosy from the backhand I had received, for mouthing off. But taking a stand had felt good. My mother brought home some real assholes sometimes and they would command me about like I was their servant! It pissed me off to have to wait hand and foot on drunken losers so I had gotten angry and told him off. He had knocked me into a wall, while my mother just watched emotionless from the kitchen. I was used to her lack of involvement, she really didn't seem to care what happened to me. She was never really sober anyway, so I didn't take it to heart. She was a bad mom, but she was all I got.

I grimaced at how bad my eye looked then sighed with resignation. Hanging my head and shaking it sadly as I left the bathroom and headed into the shadowed bedroom to retrieve my jean, rhinestone studded backpack.

When I reentered the living room, Henri was leaning against the back counter in the kitchen, near the sink. Stuffing his face with a huge corned beef sandwich.

"Ok, spill. Munchkin." he pointed at my face again, mumbling out his demand around a mouthful of sandwich.

"I'm clumsy, Henri. You know that." I stated weakly, heading straight for the front door as if it was magnetized.

"Clumsy..." he muttered, following me and leaning against the hall foyer. As I got my worn out white sneaker's on and flung my backpack over my shoulder's. I was dressed in a pair of jean overalls with a simple white t-shirt that sported a large cute face of a black cat with exaggerated wide eyes. I only had a small set of clothes that fit so I kept them washed, thankful that this building had a laundry room in the basement. I didn't ever have much, but I took care of what I did have.

I rolled my eyes dramaticly. "Shit happens, you know that. Let it be. Ok."

"Who was it this time." he stared at me dead serious. I was taken aback by how much he cared about me. His eyes held a determination to seek justice on my behalf, he was enraged that a grown man would beat up a child. It gave me hope...but only briefly. I stamped that unreliable emotion down pretty fast.

"Tell me, Munchkin." He pleaded, taking a few steps forward and grasping my shoulder's. Seeking to comfort me so I would confide in him.

I smiled and laughed bitterly, Henri was my mom's longest friend and the only one who acknowledged me enough to give me a nickname. I couldn't help but feel slightly attached to him, he was the closest thing I had to a father figure.

"Jean-Paul." I grumbled, refusing to look up at him. Knowing the sympathy and rage in his eyes would make me cry.

"Ok, I can't do much about that." he groaned, steering me towards the door. "That man's a muscle bound monster. But I can help you lick your wounds." he shoved his feet into his old work boots then opened the front door for me.

"What about mom?" I whined, as he closed the door. Allowing me a moment to lock it.

"Fuck your momma, she should have said something, done something when that dumb ass knocked you around." He raged, storming off down the poorly lit hallway towards the stairs. "I don't understand that woman sometimes..." he muttered, scrubbing a hand through his unruly brown hair.

"I'm a fighter, Henri. I don't like how Jean-Paul bosses me and my mom around. My mouth just got the better of me. " I shrugged, "Jean-Paul's built like the 'Terminator'. But I'm sure he went easy on me cause I'm a kid, he might a really hurt my mom if she got involved." I offered as an excuse.

Henri slid his eyes my way as I walked astride of him, a look of appalled disbelief clear on his face.

I giggled at the absurd expression he wore.

"Are you going to walk me to school this morning?" I inquired politely when he followed me out of the dented back metal door. It's old hinges screamed in protest as I pushed it open, entering into the warm morning light upon the street. It was spring in the sprawling city of London, the days were wet and full of smog. We walked briskly down the grimy sidewalk of a narrow ghetto street in East London. The warmer weather melting the snow and making the rutted streets a muddy disaster to navigate through. With the barrier of ice gone, the trash left to rot over the winter in the alleys was thawing. Giving the air a tangy, putrid aroma as we headed away from the run down blocks of tenement housing.

Soon we crossed a wide boulevard, leaving the poor, desperate area we lived in behind us. For the rich victorian estates

that crowded the wider avenues on the other side. Henri turned to me, as we crossed into a side street filled with small cafe's and convenience stores.

"You hungry?" He asked, slowing down outside a brightly painted store front. The color scheme was blue and green with bold lettering over the display window that read Best-One.

I didn't say a word, my stomach growling for me. I hadn't had breakfast and I was unsure if I even had something to eat last night. Jean-Paul had pretty much taken over the apartment like his was the Lord of the manor and sent me into a tail spin into the living room wall within the first hour of his arrival. I might have even gone unconscious after that, I don't remember to much besides waking up on the bedroom floor this morning.

Henri nodded and smiled, then marched into the store. Leaving me outside, waiting awkwardly against a lamp post for him to return. Several minutes later he reappeared with a long baguette and a small tub of Nutella. Grinning like he had just won the lottery he offered the repast to me eagerly.

"It's not much, but it's the best breakfast you will ever eat." he stated.

I laughed and took the bread and chocolate spread happily.

"Thank you." I nodded, debating if I could stop for a few minutes at a near by bench and devour this. If I ran the next few blocks I could reach school and eat this on the front steps before first bell.

"Get going. If you mother brings home any more human trash, you come down to my apartment and hang out with me. Ok, Munchkin?" Henri offered, as I dashed away. My heart lightened by his kindness and hope blossoming inside me for the first time. That there was hope for people, that they could overcome the darkness that bloomed inside their heart. That not all people were selfish and cruel, that at least one person had cared for me, even just a little bit.

I was unwanted, resented...by the woman known as Selene Durant. In my eyes she was still the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. With long silver-blonde hair that tumbled down her back all the way to her bottom. With the most striking ice blue eyes, always glaring at me with reprimand. Her features were perfectly formed and so angelic. She had a strength and poise that I could never possess. Soft spoken but cold towards me. Apathetic to my safety and just uninvolved in my life. As if she had given up on me before I was even born. She was never home much, always working one part time job or another. Never responsible or sober enough to keep a job for long. Drinking or gambling away our meager savings. I never felt like her daughter, we were strangers who lived under the same roof. As I got older I felt more like the parent. Taking care of the bills and groceries before she spent our monthly allowance. Cooking and cleaning up our small flat in London, being the responsible one. While she would breeze in at all hours of the night with strange men.

I remember all I wanted was to be loved by her, I craved any sort of praise or affection. But received none. I cried a lot as a small child, not understanding what I had done to make her so mad at me. When I was thirteen she sent me to the Genesis project in Caen. I thought this was my chance to prove to her, that I wasn't a waste of a human being. That I could become someone great, do remarkable things and then, then she would finally love me.

I had had a sad life, full of disappointments until the day I killed myself...

Sere

Several life times passed, in quick succession as my soul regressed. I came realize that both Selene and Ikuko's soul were linked to mine. I would be raised by either woman, Selene never changed. She possessed the same body just I did in every life time. We seemed timeless...While Ikuko's soul would reincarnate into a new human body every lifetime. This new paradox, left me confused and torn inside.

How did this cycle begin? What happened in the first life time to create this endless loop of karmic retribution?

Meng Jiang

China-Han Dynasty

(Denial)

My soul eventually passed into another prominent incarnation. One that held the roots to my thirst of justice, my natural fighting abilities and the rebirth of my Silver Crystal.

It was feudal China, during the Rebellion of the Seven States. I was hold up in a Shinto Shrine near Xian Provence. In a small obscure village near the five Sacred Mountains. I had ran in disgrace after my sister's in arms had been killed in

battle. My lover murdered before my very eyes by the one woman I had trusted most...the women I had been sworn to protect.

Years earlier, I had been the leader of an honour guard for Wang Zhi. The favourite consort of Emperor Jingdi of Han. Wang had remained on the sidelines of a feud between the Emperor's first wife Bo and his first concubine Li for several years. When Li became pregnant with the Emperor's first child, Bo who had been incapable of bearing him any children. Had begun a war within the Emperor's household, in the end Bo had been killed. But it had spurned the Emperor into forming an Honour guard to protect his other cherished concubine... Wang Zhi. She was unwilling to have men living so closely with her and convinced the Emperor to find her capable women instead.

As a toddler I had washed up upon one of the beaches of Hubei Provence. My people lost amid the waves, during a terrible storm. Leaving me alone and unprotected in this world. I had wandered up the Yangtze river to a small fishing village known as Lizhuang. Being of Nordic descent with my blonde hair and blue eyes, I was seen as an outsider and not to be trusted. So naturally I was shunned by the villager's. Left to fend for myself, alone and starving on the streets. Only the local Taoist priest had been willing to offer me shelter. He had taken pity on me and raised me in the safety of his Shrine. He taught me the ways of the Universe and not to be ashamed of who I was. That I was meant to exist and that the universe had a plan for me. I just had to follow the right path to my destiny.

I had grown up ridiculed for my foreign looks and seen as a bad omen by the overly superstitious towns people. Facing all manner of abuse when I was forced to leave the shrine on errands for my master. Being unjustly blamed for the blight and disease that affected the local farms or infected the towns citizens.

The priest had instilled a solid spiritual foundation within me, that gave me a strong moral compass to overcome my tragic lot in life. He educated me in the ancient traditions of the Tao, teaching me to read and write and also heal. I would never allow the intolerant villagers to break my spirit or bend my will. I knew who I was and what my worth truly was. In time after the Priest past away, I took over the shrine. I had tended the shrine tirelessly through out my youth and helped the priest heal many of the villagers, or prepared the dead for the next world. My years of hard work and commitment to the village had earned me a certain level of respect, by the time I became an adult. But that regard wasn't absolute, many villagers still feared me,mostly the men. Feeling that my pressence at the Shrine as a Priestess was sacrilege.

It was my fearlessness and bold behaviour not to be intimidated by the men in my village that got the Emperor's attention. During his quest for able women to protect Wang. I was taken against my will to the Palace and trained with his army for several seasons. Forced to once again leave behind one life for another.

I had been granted two boons, finding my one true love in a fellow Soldier in Jingdi's royal army. A handsome, honourable and compassionate man. Who I trusted fully to care for and protect my heart, my body and my soul. I also found true friendship with four other women destined to be part of the honour guard. Who were upon retrospect the previous reincarnations of my current girlfriends. Mina, Raye, Amy and Lita. They were to be under my command and we had protected Wang on countless occasions. Wang was the Emperors favourite consort now that Li had grown older and had bore him a son. Li was becoming increasingly jealous of the attention Wang was receiving. Emperor Jinghi had promised Li that she would become his Empress but had yet to honour his promise. Li was thus worried that Wang, now that she was pregnant again would succeed her and take away the power she felt she deserved by bearing the Crown Prince Liu Rong. Wang had already bore the Emperor several daughter's and if she bore him a son this time, Wang would have the leverage she needed to discredit Li and cast her out of the palace. Li was her worst enemy, her lack of tact and the unholy tantrums she threw at the Emperor was all Wang needed to discredit her.

Li had made several attempts on Wangs life over the last few years. We had no evidence to bring to the Emperor, each assassin having committed honourable suicide before me or my guards could question them. We had lost several poison testers over the last couple years as well. Li wasn't going to give up, it was just rumour but most of the Han elite believed she had murdered Empress Bo. If she had succeeded before, she felt confident that she could succeed again. Her tactics which had been very sly in the past, I hoped would become more desperate and bold as Wang grew with child. She would not allow Wang to become Empress, she wanted that honour for herself. In time Wang gave birth to a son and the child soon became my responsibility to protect as well.

In the end, Wang proved to be far more devious, her resolve to ensure her sons place upon the throne absolute. Her ambition knew no loyalties. She had garnered a secret alliance with the Emperor's sister, Princess Piao. Who whispered in the Emperor's ear, stoking the embers of fear for his current, jealous Empress who despised his many concubines. Using the fate of Emperor Gao's favourite consort Qi, who had just recently been tortured and killed by Gao's own jealous Empress months before. Cultivating and nourishing a fear of Li's son's eventual ascension to the throne and the pain and suffering he would then inflict upon the many women in Jing's own harem.

Wang had hatched a plot of assignation upon herself and her infant son during our pilgrimage through Xian Provence. The attack of several bandit gangs had begun at dusk just as we were in route up a secluded road of Mount Song to

retire at a local hot springs inn.

I had been in the lead on horseback, when the arrows rained down upon us from the skirt of trees against the north side of the road. My sister's in arms and the man I loved more then life itself got caught in the melee. They defended Wang's carriage to their deaths. While I struggled to fight my way back to their side.

When the dust settled and all the bandits were slane, I was surrounded by death not many of Jing's men had survived. The footmen, servants and soldier were all dead. My lovers corpse lay broken upon the side of the road. My sister's sprawled at the foot of Wang's carriage, their faces stilled by death. I wailed to the heavens, my grief exploding in my chest. As my soul cried out desperately for a way to still save them to bring them back from the plane of the dead. I couldn't be alone...I could not go on in this life without them.

The good spirits felt pity upon me, igniting a fire inside my chest that quickly built into an inferno. Consuming my heart in the process, as one of my tears transformed into a magnificent crystal. It was my treasure, my source of comfort given life by my grief. A gift bestowed upon me by the gods.

I kept it hidden, as I confronted Wang about the attack. Pulling her violently out of the charred and broken carriage. Uncaring about the terrorfied babe left wailing inside for it's mother. As I shoved her to the ground, ready to exact my vengeance upon her. She denied any involvement in this attack, stating Li's jealousy as always as the catalyst. But this time I saw the gleam of triumph in her eyes, it was enough for me to finally loss all faith in her. She had become so consumed with the pursuit of power that she could no longer see the death toll she had accumulated around her. The once sweet, caring young woman I had loved had changed into someone I loathed. I knew Li's now fully grown son, was to be accused of trying to murder Wang and her son. The turmoil to come within the Han Dynasty when Emperor Jing found out would be cataclysmic. But I wanted nothing more to do with royal infighting.

With Shang, my lover's best friend at my side we left the senseless massacre and my duty to Wang behind. I knew by leaving her and her baby to fend for themselves on the long road up the mountain was comitting treason. But I did not care anymore, I had been betrayed and my only family had been slaughtered. All in the name of one woman's thirst for power...

Consumed by my grief, I was unable to sleep, to eat or even care for myself. So Shang took it upon himself to care of me. The first glimmer of hope that I could survive beyond my loved ones deaths came months later. When I was bestowed with a another gift, one of new life. My love, had seeded a daughter inside my womb and I was to be a mother in less then six months time.

As the year went on and the rebellion burned across China, Shang shielded and protected us. Taking us into hiding from one shrine to another staying just ahead of Jing's forces. Until now...

The front of the Temple was completely engulfed with fire, a thick layer of dark smoke was filling the air. Billowing like a caustic fog all around me, as I ran down a narrow hall towards the back of the building. I had to cover my face with an arm to protect it from the heat. The thin white silk of my temple robes clung to my body, stained grey from the smoke. My red obi sash was now wrapped protectively around my newborn's frail body as I cradled her to my chest. There is no way this fire didn't have help, it was consuming the whole shrine far to quickly. The shrine was old, the wood perhaps dry and brittle. It would take no time at all for it to come crumbling down around me.

Still I couldn't help but believe it had been set deliberately to trap me and my child inside. The Emperor wanted me dead, for not upholding my duty to his mistress. Who had now become his empress. Li had been dethroned and cast into exile along with her son. Jingdi had since been sending samurai after me for months. Shang and I had eluded them again and again, but this time they had caught up to me. It was harder to move quickly with an infant, camping in the woods or hiding out in cold, dirty barns was no place for a baby. My need to stay longer and longer at each shrine so she could know comfort and warmth had been my undoing.

I could hear the blood-curdling screams of trapped monks being burned alive in other parts of the sprawling temple. The agonizing sounds sent cold chills up my spine. Overwhelming anxiety gnawed at me, my stomach twisting in fear.

The smoke is to heavy and soon I am crawling along the floor, desperate to find clean air. My baby has stopped crying, even the pathetic whimper's she had been making earlier have ceased. An icy dread claws at my mind that perhaps she is already dead? The crystal I had been bestowed, by the gods has never held any power for me. It hangs from my neck on a silver chain, swinging back and forth along the crest of my breasts like a soulless stone. I did not understand why the gods would be so sadistic as to offer me a power I could not use. What purpose was this crystal for? Was it mine or was I merely the messenger sent to find its true owner?

My thoughts were in turmoil trying to figure out the reason for this crystal, while I keep low to the ground and moved as fast as I can. Cursing myself, Wang, The Emperor and Gods themselves for this unjust fate. My child deserved a chance to live and I was willing to forfeit my own life if it meant she would be able to take just one more breath.

I feel the heat from the blaze like a solid wall against my face. It's so incredibly hot, I can feel it singeing my exposed skin. It steals my breath and stings my eyes, that are already blurry from the smoke and my raging emotions. Fuelled by anger, fear and grief I scream at the wall of fire now surrounding me. Having crawled into a dead end room I have no idea were I am or how to escape.

Trapped...

My heart lurched in my chest and my breath hitched as my first sob of despair escaped from my lips. My face was blackened with soot, my lips dry and cracked from the heat. The hot, wet tears that now cascaded down my face. Left shimmering trails down my face, making me feel more parched and exhausted then before. As I cast my gaze around the charred room, desperate for escape. I find only the orange, hazy glow of fire licking up the walls. I was scrambling to back track the way I had come, as I catch sight of a cross beam come crashing down on the far side of the room. Blocking the entrance I had used to get in here. I cover my face and head, as ash and sparks rain down over me. Fire shoots towards me like the blast from a firework. I could hear myself scream, the sharp echo of my terror is drowned out by the roar of the blaze. As I was throw backwards by a rush of scalding air. I hug my daughter to me with the last of my strength as I crash threw another wall. Laying prone and half alert upon the floor of the next room, I stare upward at the ceiling. The fire is crackling above me, eating up the wood like hell itself has come to devour me.

I can't stop the tremors that are now shivering through my body. Squeezing my eyes shut, I deny that this is happening. Trying to convince myself that it is all a dream. It just can't end like this, not when I've finally found happiness again. I haven't had the chance to tell Shang what he means to me...how much I appreciate him, how I had finally accepted that I had fallen in love with him. I wanted to live...I wanted to raise this precious little girl with him. We had talked so much about building a life together, back in the village I had been raised in, on the shores of the Yangtze river.

With a strangled sob, I open my eyes accepting that this is my last breath. Drawing my baby's limp body up from my breast. I lay her swaddled form near my head upon the floor, she is no longer breathing. Her eyes closed as if sleeping. Her little round face pale and smeared with soot. I roll onto my side, slipping a finger into the red fabric draped over her head, I pull it back. Wanting a final look at her before I die and follow her into the afterlife. She was so sweet and pure, with such light blonde hair, kissed by the tint of the Sakura Blossom. In the short time she had lived, she had been loved...truly loved.

I am having trouble breathing, the smoke has filled my nose and lungs and each breath I take feels like knives are dragging up and down my throat.

I kiss two of my fingertips and press them to her forehead, it had been my gesture of love to her. That I did every night when I put her down to sleep. She would sleep now for all eternity and it seemed the proper way to say my final goodbye. As my last breath shuddered in my chest, I felt that same soothing warmth when my crystal had first appeared. It grew in intensity, shielding my body from the flames. Engulfing me in my child in a blazing white light...then there was nothing...

Sere

I was once again floating in that timeless void between life and death. It was peaceful here. All the chaos and pain of that last life had dissolved away. It wasn't completely dark, a filtered light mixed with the emptiness. Allowing me to see the iridescent shadows that moved in the distance, fellow souls I believed. Crossing the veil into rebirth or returning here from life. The calm quietness of the void chased away my worries and concerns. Leaving me in a serene state of being that would hard to leave.

In the far off distance a brilliant white light glimmered. It seemed to dance in that empty darkness on the horizon, beckoning me to approach. Soft voices echoed from within that celestial illumination, calling to me to come home. Their song was ethereal and angelic, I felt an eerie sort of deja vu as I listened to them. I had heard this song before a long, long, time ago. It filled me with both longing and a great sadness.

My soul began to reach towards that light, as it was calling to me. Pleading for me to return to where it all began. To understand the truth of my existence and take up the mantle I had discarded so long ago.

(Serenity do not...go towards that light.)

The wizened voice penetrated my lonely void, startling me and forcing my soul to pause and pay attention.

(I have to face my past, Master.) I called back into the void, never expecting an answer but needing to voice my resolve.

(Your soul is not whole, you are not strong enough to endure ascending to your true self.) Master Chou's voice was

firm but still soft with compassion. Understanding how difficult it would be for me to abandon my quest when I had gotten so close to completing my objective. He had been pushing me endlessly during my training to achieve this enlightenment. To have him pull me back from the brink so close to its completion was painful. I had been so scared of my first life, of what horror and grief awaited me there that I had ran from it. But now I was ready, I wanted to attain my full powers, that lay in the core of my Silver Crystal and fix this world!

(No! I need to do this...I need to make things right again.) I shouted back defiantly into the void. (I will take the chance that I can survive this, I've survived so much already! I am stronger then any of my previous incarnations. I can do this...I need you all to believe in me!)

I rushed for the light, refusing to retreat now that I had come so far. I needed to know what happened to create this karmic hell I was trapped in. This was the only way, I had to see it through to the end.

I was desperate and not thinking straight, I just wanted the power that Master Chou had promised me if I ascended back into Princess Serenity. I had tasted that power several times over the last couple life times. Every time I managed to tap into the Silver Crystals full potential I had changed the world. Brought my loved ones back from death, or lost control of it resulting in my regression back into an infant. It was a fifty, fifty gamble, I would either live or start over from the beginning...I wanted to chance it!

I heard my Master shouting for me to return, his voice frantic and filled with fear. But I ignored him, I couldn't turn back now. I had to do this!

The featureless flow of the void rushed past me as I charged towards the light. I was gaining speed as my determination built. The light flared as I approached, blinding me and sending a sharp, acute pain slicing through my soul. I screamed in agony, as the edges of that incredible light began to devour me.

Then a freezing wall of energy rose up in front of me. I slammed into it at full force before reaching the light. My soul reeling as I was flung backwards away from the light. As if an explosion had gone off.

(STOP! I will not allow you to throw your life away again!) A woman's booming voice rebounded like a thunder clap through the void. Shrill and full of terror, it stilled my soul and had my full attention instantly. The filtered light of the void began to swirl and flicker around me, then my existence shifted away from the light as if a sliding glass door had been shut in front of me. My first life was sealed away behind a barrier and I could no longer reach it.

The grief and loss that engulfed me next shallowed me wholly. I wailed in rage and sobbed in anguish into the darkness. As the void began to clear, a great heaviness of disappointment was sitting upon my chest as I struggled to take in air. The real world began to form once again, blurry silhouettes of two men hovering over me. The faint light of dawn filtering in through my Master's room. As I groggily opened my eyes, returning to life and it's uncertain future once again.

My quest was over and I had to face my life again, as feelings of failure and dissatisfaction washed over me. I curled up into a tight ball, I was so overwhelmed by my past lives. I felt shredded, as I cried uncontrollably into my knees. I was devastated by what I had witnessed and grieved for the first life I had yet to remember.

Where did I go from here...how would I prevail over Black Widow if I couldn't control my crystal? My chances at stopping her were not better then when I started this journey...