A/N: This is a reflection, and flashback chapter, detailing a few of the events Natsuki and Nao went through during the earliest days in the chapel. This is a POV heavy chapter, but that was to be expected, since it is revolving around the flashbacks. Not a lot Shiz/Nat in this chapter...also keep in mind that most of the scenes in this chapter take place before Natsuki actually knows Shizuru.
I hope everyone is enjoying the fiction so far, I'm having fun writing it, as I so often do with fan fiction. I don't own Mai HiME...clearly...and as I look at the redundancy of the statement, I shake my head...anyway on with the fiction.
White Fence
Chapter Three
"I mean it, Shizuru. There really isn't much to tell." Natsuki laughed as she leaned back onto her pillow. "It was hit and miss...I took things day by day. You ask me to think about it now, and I can remember a few things. Honestly, most of the time, I didn't worry about things like memories." Shizuru seemed quiet in the mornings after their frolics, and Natsuki sighed as she stretched out in bed. The weekends were indeed blissful times, when her children weren't home, and she could peruse her own endeavors. She didn't have to worry about anyone else.
She'd begun to develop a routine. Shizuru, an avid part of her life, though she kept it hidden in the shadows. The woman of fawn tresses often wondered about Natsuki's past. She'd ask questions that Natsuki had difficulty answering. "The stuff I remember is mostly stupid shit anyway...like when Nao spilled the baby oil all over the bathroom floor and couldn't keep herself balanced. Or the days when Kane and Aki started to learn to pull hair. I considered cutting mine short during that time in their life." The past something so far away, for someone who wasn't sentimental by nature.
"So you've always kept long hair?" It was something she liked about Natsuki. There was an elegance to her, whenever she walked around in the nude, her long midnight hair cascading down her back. It could act nearly as a veil when the long strands hid Natsuki's breast from view. "I can see why you'd consider cutting it, but I'm glad that you didn't." It was soft, and silky, contrasting sharply with Natsuki's pale tones that seemed to glow in the moonlight. Even in the mornings, one such as this, there was little more Shizuru wanted to do, than to bask in Natsuki's warmth, and stay safe in her embrace.
"I'd considered a lot of things back then...even getting serious with Nao." Natsuki could remember a lot more than she let on, but it wasn't like her memories could really help Shizuru. "I know you haven't met her yet...but Nao's a bit of a bitch. She has this twisted way of seeing the world, and she can be really cold at times." Natsuki knew she couldn't explain it well. "Under all of that, she's dependable, and she was there when I needed her...you can count on Nao for things like that."
"It sounds like she was around a lot more than I could ever be." Shizuru felt that pang of sadness again, and she could tell that Natsuki hated hearing such a deject sigh.
"It is true..." Natsuki hesitated, this was one of those hard questions. "She really is more of a second parent than anything else. Although, I wouldn't say Nao felt such an obligation." No, Nao was the type to come and go as she pleased. "Nao had been there...and taken responsibility that no one else would take." If that wasn't a parent, Natsuki would be hard pressed to find out what one would be like. "However, she's never let the kids think of her like that. A title of a parent comes with authority that Nao just didn't want...so she chose to be the cool aunt instead. Though, I should warn you, Nao is their god parent... so if anything happens to me, unless you choose to fight for custody, they'll go to Nao."
"They won't forgive this, Natsuki." Shizuru felt the idea of rejection as if it were her shadow. "They'll look at me, and decide they want nothing to do with me." Shizuru hated thinking like that, but it was all she could do. "I wouldn't blame them, because I'm sure they'll assume the same. If I fear anything, it's that they'll think I'm lying, or that I hate them."
"I thought the same thing back in those days." Natsuki's voice was apologetic as she cupped Shizuru's cheek in her palm. "There are a lot of times I could tell you about, but it would only make you feel horrible, because Nao and I stood in your place." Natsuki didn't want to inflict that kind of damage. "I didn't take a lot of pictures, and I never kept a baby book. All of those days are lost, even to me, and I was there. It doesn't bother me, because I'm not that type of person, and it isn't about back then...for me, it's about today, and tomorrow...a week from now...that's the kind of thing I worry about. That's what maters."
...
(Natsuki POV)
Yesterday's are gone, after all...
I'm a person who has been gifted with a strong will, and a weak moral foundation. That isn't to say that I do inherently bad things for the hell of it...but rather, that I wasn't taught the right way to do things. What was fundamentally correct by nature, didn't always come to me as a good idea. If, by chance, I saw someone drop money on the sidewalk, I wouldn't always do the right thing. If I was hungry, or bored, and wanted to play a few games at the arcade, it didn't matter...the right thing would have been to give the money back...regardless of my reasons, I almost always put the money in my pocket.
Granted, if I saw someone actually drop money a handful of times, it would be considered a lot...so I guess that's a rare example.
However, that is the best way to explain what my disposition had been, back in those days. The same goes for casually slipping a candy bar into my pocket, or, perhaps stealing a few shirts from a second hand store. My point here, is that to error is human, and I most certainly am human...back then, I wasn't gifted the comforts of having everything handed to me. There are ways to get what you need to survive, even if you have no money, however, those things come at a price. I would have rather be considered a thief, instead of some cheep slut.
That was my choice however, and I would never begrudge the choices another would make, if that person were to be in a similar situation. There were times I considered selling out, everyone told me I had a good body, that I should start posing in front of cameras...if I looked that good, I'm sure that if I had wanted, I could have scored some major bucks taking care of some lonely dude every few nights...that wasn't my thing, and honestly...I would have rather starved. Though, being picky like that, it left me with few options.
I had to learn to get by as an opportunist...if the opportunity to steal came along, so be it...if by chance however, I was offered some money for mowing a lawn, you can bet I jumped upon the chance in an instant. I had to take anything I could get, provided that the risk involved was minimal. Seasonal work came around from time to time, around the holiday months...but other than that, no one really wanted someone like myself. Mai once told me, it didn't matter how pretty I was, if I couldn't keep my temper controlled. I guess she had a point, but that didn't ease my growling stomach.
Anyway, being the kind of teen that I was, you can guess, perhaps, the struggle I'd gone through when I suddenly had two more mouths to feed, and no income in which to buy food.
Now, considering I hadn't any real money, you have to think of the setup I lived in. The convent that was attached to the chapel, thankfully, still had running water for a long time. Even when it finally got shut off, Nao and I got creative by turning on the hoses from around the area, filling buckets full, and heating the pots over the gas grill in the back. Propane tanks are idiotically easy to steal from people's yards, come to find out...though, that's a two person operation...if I was really lucky, and Nao's parents weren't home, I could actually take a hot shower, with designer shampoo...those were days that made me in a good mood for an entire week, it happened so rarely.
We lived off of the grill, mostly. We found it one night when we went trashing...and say what you want about that being unhealthy...if people are going to throw away perfectly good furniture, and things I could actually use...damn right, I was going to take it and use it for myself. Granted, the pots we found always burnt the food, and half of the time, we took to eating right out of the pan, just because we didn't always have clean dishes...a lazy thing I my part, mostly. If Nao's parents weren't looking, Nao sometimes brought over the non perishables in bulk...things like canned food, or packet noodles. Mai was even nice enough to bring over the leftovers she'd cooked at home, if there were any left.
Considering all of that, I ate rather decently...stayed as clean as one would hope to be under the pressure...and, I had a warm bed every night, courtesy of whoever left their mattress behind. There were other difficulties from time to time, like clothes, and doctor bills, but those were handled a bit more colorfully. Regardless, the first week with the babies were the hardest to survive...it was a muddled mess of bottles, formula, dirty diapers, and spittle. I'd hardly slept, and Nao was a pain in the ass...
Yeah, you don't forget times like that. Then again...you don't exactly remember them either. It's one of those, live in the moment type of things.
…
"I'm not asking you to keep it, I'm asking you to pick it up!" Natsuki hollered from outside. She was busy, or she would have done it herself. She sighed as she hunched over the packages of rubber nipples, trying desperately to figure out what to make of them. "So then what's the difference between stage one and two?" With her cell phone perched between her ear and her shoulder, she searched through the multiple bags of baby supplies, actively looking for the bottles that went with the nipples.
"Um...it depends, there are different kinds, you really should be a bit more careful." Mai mumbled quietly, trying to understand the situation as best as Natsuki's weird explanations would allow. "Stage two nipples have a bigger hole, the milk comes out easier...it's made for older babies." Mai replied dryly over the phone. "How old are they?"
"I have no idea." Natsuki replied. "How do I find that out?"
"I'd rather not try to explain that over the phone." Mai sighed as she came to the conclusion that Natsuki and Nao were going to get themselves into trouble. "Do you have a book to read, or something?" If someone didn't actually walk them through things step by step, she knew something awful could happen. "You've gotta remember Natsuki, I was little when Takumi was born. I don't remember every detail. I know the basics, but that's about it."
"I don't have time for a book, Mai." Natsuki replied, finally doing away with the stage two nipples, and finding another package. "What about stage one and the preemie nipples?" Natsuki grumbled then, nearly at her wits end...while she heard Mai sigh for the umpteenth time over the phone. It was the screaming baby in the background that was the most maddening. "Jesus! Nao pick up the damned baby!"
Mai could just feel the waves of frustration in Natsuki's voice, and finally she relented. "I'm coming over...in the meantime don't do anything until I get there."
She'd hung up the phone faster than Natsuki could respond, and once again, the dynamic duo had found themselves in a thorny situation, and without guidance. So far their day had consisted of stealing from several stores, sending baby powder flying all over the place, and several other things that just didn't bode well. Natsuki gave up the idea of trying to feed them, Mai's expertise only a short jog away. Natsuki walked back inside, seeing the same sight she'd seen when she'd left to call Mai earlier. Nao was standing there, without a baby in her arms, looking confused, with the wrinkled book in her hands.
"You still haven't picked it up?" Natsuki sighed, trying to stop herself from yelling over the baby. "Worthless, I swear." Marching over, she leaned over the bassinet, peaking at the two little ones inside. The screaming one was squirming all over the place, and Natsuki gulped, unsure of how to pick up the irritated baby. For a second, she tried to grasp hold of the little kicking legs, trying to steady them, but that made the little one scream louder, and Natsuki let go, cursing under her breath. "Stupid thing won't stay still."
"No duh...not so easy, is it?" Nao remarked, lifting her eyes from the pages for a second. "This is how we're supposed to do it." She flashed the page in front of Natsuki, but one look at the babies told Nao it was a bad idea. "It's a good idea in theory, but I don't think the little shit going to let us." Nao was unsure why, but the baby with dark brown eyes seemed to be the calm one...quiet, and observant, almost to a fault. "Might wanna practice with that one." She said, pointing to the bigger twin. "It looks like it won't try to fight us."
"I don't know, I think we better wait until Mai gets here." Natsuki sighed, wanting to be helped, but it was also a luxury she didn't have. "I don't want to mess up." Natsuki didn't want to think about that, knowing Mai was only a short distance away. Still, she wiggled her fingers in front of the one who was screaming, immediately, her finger was caught with two tiny hands. "Eww..."
"I think it might be hungry." Nao grumbled, watching as the baby began to suckle on Natsuki's finger. "Careful, it might try to take your finger off."
"It doesn't have any teeth." Natsuki said, though, she wasn't quite sure what to do. "So even if it was a demon spawn from hell, I doubt I'm in danger. Besides, at least now it's being quiet." Her voice echoed in the large room, and below her feet, she could hear the fluttering of bats in the basement.
"Suit yourself." Nao shrugged, though she wouldn't show it, she completely agreed. "It's kinda cute...when it isn't screaming."
"Yeah...it is." She tried not to smile, but she couldn't help the grin on her face...it was a small victory perhaps, and one not even worth celebrating, and yet still, it was the first real contact she'd had. "I'm gonna need my hand back eventually." She told the baby, entranced by the little red eyes that seemed to open and close slowly, as if trying to decide what to do next. "Besides, I doubt this is sanitary."
"Dude, are you high? We're in a run down, dusty chapel...there are spiderwebs on the ceiling and bats in the basement...your hand is the last thing I would worry about. A little dirt never hurt anyone." Nao didn't want to admit it, but every moment that passed by made her realize the time was ticking down. She wasn't sure when the babies had eaten last, and she wondered about that. Waiting for Mai was making her nervous. "I'm going out back and try to get in a few chapters of this...Mai isn't going to be able to stay around all day, ya know." The truth was, she was actually afraid for that same reason. The book was thick, she'd be lucky to make it through half of it in one day, if she didn't actually fall asleep, or give up before then.
Mai was thankfully quick to respond, and had come to the rescue after only a few more minuets...in truth, it had felt like hours. "Aw, they're so cute." Her smile beamed, and without any hesitation at all, she went for the smaller, twin who had started fussing immediately after Natsuki had taken her hand away. Mai smiled as she cradled the little one gently in her arms. "What are they?" Mai asked then as she brushed away a few tufts of blonde hair atop the little baby's head.
"They're babies..." Natsuki muttered.
"So I see." Mai responded back, though her concentration was on the baby in her arms. "I was asking if they were boys, or girls." As she began to sway gently back and forth, the fusing didn't ebb, but that didn't seem to bother Mai in the slightest.
"Funny thing about that..." Natsuki frowned as Mai made holding the little one look so easy. "I didn't think to check."
"It figures you wouldn't. Generally, that would be one of the first things you find out...unless-" Mai frowned, finally knowing why she felt a sagging diaper. "They could probably both use a change, and a bottle." The baby in her arms wasn't as little as Natsuki had made it out to be, but it wasn't teething either. "Do you need a new butt?" Mai asked the baby playfully, trying to get it to laugh.
"Oh god, she's lost it." Nao grumbled from the door, leaning on thick wood. the book was dangling from between her fingers, indicting she'd gotten bored with it already.
"No I haven't. I'm trying to see how old it is...at about two or three months, they do things that newborns don't." Mai's response was soft, her attention fully on the baby in her arms. "Where's the changing supplies, we need to get both of them out of these old ones."
"Easier said than done." Natsuki pointed to the old alter, where all of the changing supplies had been set up, but it was clearly a mess already. "Nao was trying to get the tab off of the baby powder and made a mess everywhere."
"Baby powder?" At that Mai's eyes grew wide. She looked at Nao, and then back at Natsuki. "You don't use baby powder on a baby, that's just stupid."
"No it's not! See, it even has a picture of one on the side of the bottle!" For the sake of her already mounting frustration, she went over to show Mai the picture, squeezing the container it came in. "Oh, fuck me!" Much to her dismay, she was covered in the powder for the second time that day.
"Bend over, I'll see what I can do." Nao said, a broom in hand. "Who knows if you lube up, you won't get splinters."
Mai didn't even want to comment on the exchange. "Guys, really...that's why you don't use it on babies. It goes everywhere, and if they breath it in, it'll do more harm than good." Mai sighed, shaking her head. "The rash cream is good enough, and you don't use it every time, only if they need it." She grabbed what she hoped would be the right sized diaper, and the wipes nearby. laying the baby down in the church pew, well away from the floating powder that was floating in the air every time Natsuki shook around. When the baby began to cry out again, Mai just sighed. "I know, I know...I'll be quick. I promise." Provided, of course, that she wouldn't have to rig an oversize diaper...she wouldn't have put it past them to screw that up as well. "Come over here and watch, or you'll be confused later."
…
(Natsuki POV)
I came to find out, bluntly speaking, that the smaller of the twins had been a girl, and the bigger one had been a boy. Mai stayed for a few hours just to get us through the basics. Things like how to hold them, how to feed them...stupidly easy things that we couldn't figure out. Diaper changing came with a skill, as we later learned, thanks to Kane. Mai had made it look easy, and we applied the basic skills, but lets just say, boys will be boys...and Nao and I forgot that a lot. It's just one of those things you don't think about.
The screaming, was apparently normal...Mai told us it was mostly because we were strange people, in some new place. The babies felt as if they didn't belong. She warned us that it would take time, and no small amount of work. I'd shrugged and said it was only temporary anyway, because I honestly thought it would be. There was an orphanage three cities over, it was the same one I had been in, and that was my first thought...well, before I burned the idea alive in my head. The new convent building was uptown, and in a pretty safe neighborhood...an hour in a car, or a long ass walk. There were other options, like turning them into the police as missing children, or abandoned babies...but I wasn't interested in that.
The reason being, was that as soon as no one came to get them, they'd be off to the hell hole orphanage faster than a blink of an eye.
I wanted time to just sit and think. Mai says that I sealed my fate that day, when I hadn't gotten rid of them...that even one night with the babies was enough to convince me not to let them go out of my sight. I'm not entirely sure about that...but, I know that even when I was considering leaving them someplace, I was picky about it. The first full night alone with them was long...pacing up and down the isle, I remembering wanting to cry. They wouldn't fall asleep, and the boy was heavy in my arms. He had been fairly quiet for most of the day, but even he had a voice that he intended to use once he became hungry, or when the sun began to set.
Mai had told us before she left, that she was willing to bet they were three or four months, roughly guessing. She wasn't really sure. She said she knew they couldn't be much younger, because they could be left on their bellies as long as we watched them. Though, they couldn't crawl, they could lift themselves up, babble...things like that. She got the little girl to laugh a little, but the boy, well, he just didn't seem interested in Mai. He kept scowling, as if he was unsure of what to do. As if, he wanted to cry continually, but as if he knew that wouldn't answer any of his questions.
Kane has never changed, even now he still even has the same scowl. Always observant, and never responsive without a clear reason to do so.
In truth, for a long time, their names were insults...we didn't know what else to call them. Jackass was Nao's favorite, especially when Kane would get difficult to deal with. There were times that he wouldn't let us put him down...those nights we would sleep with him cradled in our arms. Even then, he would make sure to give us a difficult time of it. Everything, and I mean everything, was pretty much a crap shoot. When to change them, when to feed them, and you were pretty much out of luck if they both started screaming at the same time, and there was only one person around.
Nao and I survived one week of hell, but then, things got easier.
As if, for whatever reason, the seventh day was the magical day, when things started to go right. It was still rough going, mind you...but we began to understand the crying. I can say that, because it was the day I could tell the difference between Aki's sleepy cry, and the non stop babble that Aki just seemed to do, without any rhyme or reason. It's a lot less frustrating when you know your going to lose. Then you can sit there and take it, knowing it's pointless to do anything more than hold them, and try not to go deaf. Aki was always the loud one, but again, I truly believe that's just her nature...a pain in the ass then...a pain in the ass now.
It was about ten days into the entire fiasco, that Nao actually hit me hard...she gave me the reality check that I needed.
…
"The longer you keep them, the more you'll screw them up when you have to let them go." It was late on a school night, and Nao had to go in to take a test the next day. She wouldn't be able to stay around and help that night. Midterms were also about to show their ugly face to the world, but Natsuki's grades had already plummeted. She would have to repeat the year regardless of her test scores. She couldn't keep her grades high enough, her homework always left undone, since she had other priorities. Nao's grades were a little better, but not much. "Have you decided where you'll shove them?"
"If I knew that, they wouldn't be here." Natsuki was tired, drained by trying to do everything at once. She couldn't take it. School days were long, Saturday dentition even longer, and she knew she couldn't keep up with the demands of everything. "Nothing seems good enough." It didn't seem right. That was the problem. Natsuki was the one who'd discovered them, and she'd be damned to let them fall into the wrong hands. "If we put them in an orphanage, they may never get picked up...if we turn them in, who knows what the authorities will do." Natsuki sighed then, thinking about long paper trails that also left little in the way of clues. "They don't have any identification, and even with the name on the bottom of the bassinet, I couldn't find anything."
Nao looked over at the white woven bassinet. Fujino was a popular name, but it was also not one to trifle with. Anyone who had any sort of upbringing could see the name on store shelves and on medical cards. Doctors, lawyers, even people on the city council...those were the types of people the Fujino's were. Nothing below excellence. Multinational, with strong focus groups and special interest. Nao knew well these babies were heirs to something big. "The Fujino family is one of the most famous families around. Their considered part of the elite. If these babies really belong to them, then you'd think they'd know about it, and would want them back."
Natsuki sighed, and then shrugged. "There are forty branch families that coincide with the Fujino name." All of them came up empty in her search. "None of them have given birth in recent months. The last set of born twins from the Fujino name happened to be well over five years ago. Most of the families have stopped producing children, and the next generation aren't quite old enough to have children yet...if they're smart." Something spooked the bats in the basement, and they began to fly around, making echoing racket. "Anyway, I think there is either a reason they didn't want the babies, or, that some idiot stole the basket, and the babies were inside." Natsuki explained as she went to pick up the little man, who was fussing more than crying. "Either way, no missing person has been reported in the area...any birth certificates they may have had aren't around anymore."
"So you think they've been written off." Nao caught on fast, sighing at that. She felt badly about it, but she also knew she couldn't change the way the world worked. "If anyone had the power to do something like that, it would be the Fujino family." It was when Natsuki returned with the baby boy, that Nao felt lost. "I wonder what he did...why wouldn't they want a successor?"
" Forty families, Nao, Forty families. They probably already had enough." Natsuki said then, bitterly letting the words fall over them like a haze. "I can't help but think that letting them grow up in the orphanage would be bad. They won't get the attention they really need, you know how overcrowded it gets." Natsuki remembered that well. The noisy children, and the bad ones, they got the attention first. The quiet ones were left well enough alone. "His sister would be okay..." The boy however, would need to learn how to sound pissed off quickly. "But...if that's all they get to be, then they can be okay here too."
"I get what you're saying...but I think you're biting off more than you can chew." It wasn't just Natsuki either. Nao knew it, she was in just as deep. "He's cute, but he isn't a puppy...and two of them? It won't be easy..."
"Nao, shut up and think before you say that." Natsuki grumbled dryly, her heart sank at Nao's words. "When has my life ever been easy...and what about you? You were a Mistake too, weren't you? You should know better than anyone else...you have a home, and you still run away all the time." Natsuki put the baby on his tummy, letting him reach for one of the toys she'd stolen for him earlier that afternoon. "This life isn't going to be easy, but if I can just hold out for another week, I'll be sixteen."
"You really want to do this, don't you?" The baby had changed, even just a little, from when Nao had first let her eyes fall upon the babies. At first, Nao had been laughing, making crass jokes about the little ones. Now, seeing the little boy try desperately to make his little body move, fussing when he just wasn't yet able to figure out how to get himself up all the way, it made Nao realize just how much had changed..and yet, how much remained the same.
Natsuki could see the fight in him too, as he worked so hard to try to move one of his little legs under himself for support. "It's not that I do, but it's not that I don't."
Nao picked him up, and sighed. "I'm not going to sign anything." Nao said then, quietly, as if she wasn't quite sure of that herself. "I don't want anything to do with them...but if you want to look after them, I'll help you...otherwise, the little shits will make you lose your mind."
"It's been lost for years, I blame you." The two of them shared a look at Natsuki's acidic retort. Nao yawned as she leaned closer to Natsuki, resting her head onto a leather clad shoulder. If it was purely the fact that she was sleepy, or if there was something more under the surface, Natsuki hadn't a clue. Still, she could feel the warmth of Nao's breath tickle her neck, it was slow, and even. Nao was not completely asleep, and yet, she was not awake enough to know what she was doing. Nao held the baby more securely on instinct alone, and Natsuki chuckled under her breath as they all curled into the corner.
…
(Natsuki POV)
So, I filled out a shit load of paperwork, even going to far as to use Nao's address as my home address. After a lot of arguing with idiot receptionists, and cussing people out over the phone, I finally made them mine. In black ink, on several thick clusters of documents, I signed my life away, claiming the twins as dependents. I had to come up with names for them, and that took a lot of doing, but when I'd settled on Kane and Aki, I was met with another issue. I knew their last name was Fujino. That was something that seemed pure fact, but I also knew such a name would follow them into a not so happy future.
There are some family names, that if you even so much as hear the name, something or someone comes to mind instantly. The Kanzaki name, for example, would lead you to think of a few well know doctors, who just so happen to specialize in experimental medicine. They work closely with the Searrs Foundation, and First district, two well known pharmaceutical companies. When you think of the Suzushiro family, you think of judges, and other influential figures, such as politicians...now, the Fujino's have a hand in all of that, and more. They've made strong bonds with others over the years...even as a teen, it was impossible not to know the name Fujino. Television, newspapers, and radio made sure of that.
That fact alone, worried me.
I didn't want them to be traced...if they were going to be mine, they would stay mine. I wanted to be sure of that, so on the documents, I have them set up with my family name, Kuga. I wondered a lot back then, if it really was the best idea...it wasn't like I had any other choice though. I was afraid that one day, some highly paid executive would come along with a lawyer, demanding to have his children back. That was the image in my mind...so I did anything in my power to make Fujino babies become Kuga by default.
Nao acted like she didn't care about things. She would pretend she hated them, but though all of her crass words, and men spirited actions, I knew the truth. It wasn't Mai that spent the night, every night. Sure, there were times Nao had to go back home, the threat of a probation officer coming to look for her always in the back of her mind. More often than not, she stuck around. That was just her way. Nao wanted to be there, and she made sure she was, if she could be.
It was around that time that I realized, that I wasn't only a parent, but that I was still very much a teenager. Teenage hormones being what they were for me back then, I couldn't deny I was feeling just a little under the weather. I was also attracting the attention of a few cute girls. I noticed them, and I could see that they had taken notice of me.
Nao used to push me out on dates, I think, because she thought I needed the time away. I did...but I needed a friend, not a lover. I had only causally dated one boy before that, and I had never been with a woman. My sexual experience at that point was very limited, and I soon fell into the pattern I guess every teen goes through. Searching for the right person, and knowing that you likely won't find them...at least, not as a teen. Being sexually active back then, without protection, was the only way I knew how to do things...and although I wasn't sleeping around all over the place, I was just as curious as everyone else.
I guess I wanted to feel loved...or failing that, to at least blow off a little steam, and let go of some stress.
It was a while after that, that I began to feel lost, and not just a little depressed. I had quit school at that point, and I'd lost most of my friends. Nao, true to form, was her normal assholian loveliness on any given day, and Mai still came around once or twice a week...still it wasn't enough. I felt like I was missing something, and I guess I was. There's only so much love you can give to a child, when you are devoid of any love for yourself. I didn't have time to really get myself out there, and even when I did, it was all out rejection half the time.
The twins had passed some really important milestones, and each day was a new adventure into the realm of havoc. Each day, week, or month that passed me by, I could see a clear growth in them. Around that time, the twins were far more mobile, and got into everything, toddling around on wobbly little legs. They weren't quite at the walking independently stage...well, at least Kane wasn't. He was still happy to follow after his sister on all fours, actually.
He had me worried for a bit, since it seemed like with everything, he was slow on the uptake...walking was just one of those slow times. It wasn't that he couldn't do it...more like he took the easy way out. Aki could walk, if she really wanted, and she could do it well. The only time she ever did, was when she was trying to get away from us, she liked running away at the worst times. She was also the little streaker out of the two, learning very quickly that the tabs on the diapers could come undone.
I was so proud of them, but so very stressed. I wanted something, anyting, to break me out of the vicious cycle...one night, it finally happened.
…
It was late into the evening when the thick wooden door of the chapel creaked open. Natsuki stood in her place long enough for the sensory lights to turn off, before she closed the door fully. She wondered, idly, why the street lamps in the front of the church flickered on and off at every passerby, but assumed it had something to do with the city ordinance. "Ma!" The little voice was frustrated, as Kane tried to get away from Nao.
"Yeah, I'm the asshole you don't like." Nao grumbled at him. "I get it." He began to cry when she wouldn't put him down, instead, holding him until he quieted. "No, you gotta stop crying first." Natsuki just let it happen, and ignored both Nao, and Kane, knowing that it was his way of throwing his temper around. She wasn't going to buy it like she did at first. "Kane, damn it, calm down!"
He simply screeched louder and louder, squealing his little heart out before Mai, who had been reading a book nearby took over and pulled the boy into her arms. "Kane, stop now." Mai told him firmly, a look in her eye stern enough to get her point across. "You know better." Kane quieted, duly put in his place, and after a few more moments of not making a pep, Mai put him down so he could go to Natsuki of his own accord.
"How were they?" Natsuki asked Nao before scooping Aki up, hugging her in greeting before doing the same to Kane.
"Well, he wasn't acting like a little hellion until after you walked through the door." Nao replied dryly.
"Yeah, I don't know what that's been about." Natsuki mumbled, Kane wasn't normally so vocal, and he hardly became fussy.
"Well, he doesn't like it when you leave." Mai shrugged, watching as Kane clung onto Natsuki, as if he were her shadow. "Think about it, he knows when your gone, and he doesn't like it."
"And Aki does?" Nao retorted. "She was terrorizing her brother the entire time."
"The difference being, she likes you. If you had been holding Aki, Kane wouldn't have thrown a tantrum." Mai wondered about that, how different the twins would become over time. "Kane's just in one of those phases, Nao." Normally it was Aki making the ruckus, so it was rare for the little boy to be insistent about anything. "Give him time, he'll come around again...Takumi used to do the same thing with mom. He hated when she left him alone with our dad...he would tolerate me okay, but he really just wanted mom." However, for now, Kane just wanted to be with Natsuki, and would follow her everywhere that he could.
"Well, whatever it is he's afraid of, he doesn't have to worry, that's the last date I'm going to go on." Natsuki sighed dejectedly. Aki's hair was growing out, and her bangs were starting to grow into her face. Natsuki thought about cutting it several times, but as she ran her fingers through the soft tresses, she yawned and cuddled into her. "You're tired." It was nearing their bedtime, and Natsuki carried her into the bedroom, laying her on the mattress that was on the floor in the corner.
Nao wasn't far behind, with Kane in her arms. "What do you mean, you're not going on another date?" Nao was incredulous as she put Kane down into the mattress, even as she tried not to shout, her voice was thick with annoyance. "Natsuki, you need someone...this just isn't healthy."
"Why?" Natsuki looked up into green eyes, her own of emerald shining with things she would never say aloud. "So that my son can worry about me the entire time? So that my daughter can lash out at the fact that I'm not here? So that I have to sit in some shoddy bar, listening to people tell me about their sad life, and horrible upbringing? Some of these people, they're better off than they realize." Natsuki sighed as she pulled her hair behind her back, and stood up off of the floor. "I'm done with it." She walked out of the room after blowing out the candle that was in the lantern, looking back only to ascertain that her children weren't going to try and follow her, as Kane would sometimes do. They were already curled into their pillow, drifting off to sleep.
"That's not what I mean, and you know it." Nao knew it was hard on Natsuki, she could see it getting worse every single day. "You need someone who's going to look after you. This isn't going to work forever Natsuki, and you're working yourself ragged."
"Are you going to step up?" Natsuki shot back when they were in the hallway. "I need someone who I can trust..not some cheep bitch. I don't want some one night stand with a stranger. So unless you have something to say to me, stand down, Nao." Her voice was cold as steel, but her eyes were like that of glass. "I can't take this anymore."
"That's bullshit." Quite bluntly, Nao crossed her arms standing her ground. "You're afraid...that's all you are. Even if it were me, or Mai, or some other person, who might actually give a damn you, and the others in your life, you're coward when it comes to showing how you really feel." Still, it wasn't lost on Nao. "Hell, this life isn't bad, I wouldn't mind it...I'd be happy if it were someone like you...but I'd never know, would I?" They both knew the answer to that one. "You wouldn't say anything, because you're afraid to hurt people, and get hurt in return."
"Is that what you think?" Natsuki bit her lip, standing as if she were a statue, taking all of the barbs like the frontal attack that it was. "That I want to be alone my entire life? That I don't want other things in my life..." It was a gamble, and Nao had placed that bet onto the table. "I could take you into that room across the hall, do you lovely, and this wouldn't change." They were just friends, that's all they could be. "We couldn't change...being happy doesn't come that easy...not to anyone."
"Is that so..." Nao just shook her head, laughing in her own toxic way. "There isn't anything I wouldn't do for them." Nao let her fingers fall upon the door frame, looking in to see the two sleeping faces. They were so peaceful, that they hadn't any idea of the war outside of their door. "For you, I thought you knew where my loyalties were." Still, it was true. Even if they fell into such a place, they wouldn't change their ways. "You're right that nothing could ever go on between us...but you don't want that...and neither do I." loneliness was like poison, and there were nights they both felt it creep into their souls. "Still, when the only thing you've got, is the only one you can trust in this world...wouldn't it be better not to be alone, no matter what that might mean?"
"Honestly...I don't know." Natsuki sighed then, putting an arm around Nao's shoulder. "But I need to unwind, I know that much."
"I've got some vodka with our names on it." Nao agreed, as they walked back into the main chapel.
…
(Natsuki POV)
I don't have the heart to say to Shizuru the things I would like to tell her. It would cause unnecessary pain. There isn't much I can say, because even if I did, Shizuru would feel lost in guilt, never mind the fact I would feel like an ass. I want to be able to share with her every little moment I can recall, but, I won't do that, the expense is far greater than I'm willing to pay. I won't bring her to tears, I won't cause her to cry...I've made enough mistakes in my life, caused enough hurt, stole enough things.
Nao was right, back when we were younger. I was afraid to get hurt. I had to find that for myself by struggling through several years of watching the world pass me by. I don't think I could ever tell Shizuru about those older days, because that was Nao's place. She and I, confused, lost, lonely, and raising two little babies together. The echos of those times live on within me, and Nao.
They're not for Shizuru, as much as I don't fault her for not being there, I also feel as if I don't have the right to give away such important memories. That right belongs to those I love...those who were there when Shizuru wasn't. Nao, Mai, Aki, and Kane...those are the people that every right to say the things I can't.
I can only show her the door...but in the end, Shizuru has to be the one to walk through.
…
Natsuki and Shizuru had been lazy all morning, tangled under the sheets in a warm embrace. Now that it was early afternoon, Natsuki decided to escape the warm covers to bring some refreshments. The halls weren't as quiet as she expected they would be, and the sight that greeted her warmed her heart...somethings never changed. "You are such a jackass." Natsuki smirked as she came down to find Nao raiding the kitchen. "Let me guess, Mai wouldn't feed you?"
"You got it." Nao grumbled through a bite of fried chicken that she'd acquired from the refrigerator. "She's banging her husband again, and I'm sick of hearing it." Her apartment was on the level below Mai's, and sadly enough, that meant Nao would often get quite an earful. "She mewls like a cat in heat, I swear to god."
"Nice..." Natsuki winced at that. "Didn't want to know that. What Mai does with Tate, isn't anything I want to hear about." She smacked Nao in the back of the head as she went into the laundry room to fold clothes that had finished in the dryer. It was something she'd been putting off. "Though I know she's been trying for a second for a while now. Tate really wants a boy of his own."
"She's going to be shit out of luck if she breaks Tate's dick off." Nao replied quickly and without a care in the world that Natsuki was trying to block the image yet again. "Imagine my surprise when I come in here, trying to catch a break, and the next thing I know, I hear you going at it. Who the hell that chick is upstairs anyway?" Her hand was pointing at the laundry shoot, which just so happened to be attached to Natsuki's bedroom closet. "Next time, put a pillow in the thing. It'll work like a charm."
"Thanks for the warning." Natsuki knew they were being vocal, she just didn't realize it had been quite that loud. "Good to know the entire house can hear what I do in my bedroom." Mentally, she filed away that little tidbit, and made a note to promptly block the hole with something before her next frolic. "It was Shizuru, by the way."
"You told her?" Nao had that gleam in her eye. "Hell yeah! Took to it like a charm, eh?"
"Not quite." Natsuki said, though she appreciated the encouragement. "It's a difficult situation. We'll get by somehow...but I'll bet Aki is going to become a real handful. I can't imagine she'll be all that pleased when she finds out."
Nao nodded. "I won't keep loitering around here, if you have your lady friend upstairs." The smirk waned, and Nao took a breath. "When you tell them, I want to be there. I think Aki is going to need the moral support."
"Her and I both." Natsuki agreed, as she nodded back at Nao. "You've been there for every other important thing in their lives, I don't see why this would be any different."
Nao waved off the sentiment, and just laughed as she took one more piece of chicken for the road. "I'll see you around." She didn't wait for a reply as she simply left the same way she'd come in, locking the front door with the key she acquired by default. Natsuki only watched the door for a few moments before preparing some tea to take up to Shizuru. Natsuki closed her eyes as the water warmed in the kettle. She tried to think of a time when she cared about anyone, the way she cared for the woman upstairs...she fell sort. There had never been anyone quite like her.
The woman of fawn tresses could melt away the stress, take away the pain, and Natsuki knew that was a gift only Shizuru could give.
As individuals, it was true that they didn't have any redeeming qualities...anyone looking in on them would almost instantly jump to unwarranted conclusions. It sat unjustified, but true...because that was the way the world worked. Appearances had to be kept up for the outside world, an air before the crowd of dimwitted people, who knew nothing of real struggle. Still, Natsuki knew that was the easy part. She could take on anyone who dared to question her choices in life...well, anyone, except the twins. If there were ever a time she feared what they might say, their thoughts on this would be one of them.
Even more, the fear that they wouldn't accept the truth, buzzed away in her mind the most.
The worry was unnecessary, because they'd already agreed to wait on things, for just a while longer. It was more for their own sake, but also to test the waters. If the twins could not tolerate Shizuru so near, then, the answer to their fears would be answered. It would be unfortunate if that were indeed the case, but it could still happen. Natsuki didn't think it would occur, but Aki was the wild card. The kettle saved her, before she became lost in her thoughts yet again, and she pours the hot water into the mugs, smiling at such an action.
It was rare to think about caring for a lover, as the woman of her affection rested nude under silken sheets upstairs.
Perhaps it was because the love was new, and very much alive. It was the only thing that had came to Natsuki's mind, but it tickled her in small ways. Never before had it been in her own room. Never once, had she dared to mark the halls with echoes of passion with someone else. Yet, today, she could check that off of her bucket list...a mental run down of sorts, that she had wished to complete sooner or later in her life. Her solace often came in the form of the drawer of her nightstand, where in a small cashmere bag, hid the key to the land of milk and honey. So often, she was forced to invite fantasy into her life...but now, being loved by someone else...it was no longer a dream she kept locked away.
Much to her delight, that small cashmere bag had been discovered, and welcomed, into the foreplay that afternoon. The thought of actually using the tiny vibrator contained within, on someone other than herself, reminded Natsuki of the trust Shizuru had...the faith that seemed never to end. Natsuki sighed at that while carrying the mugs into the bedroom. Shizuru had fallen into a light slumber, and Natsuki didn't have the heart to wake the woman up.
Instead, she peeled herself out of her robe, and slipped back under the warm sheets, smiling inwardly when Shizuru snuggled closer. It was yet another weekend in her household, with her life locked behind a closed door, but was the way they both wanted it, at least, for now.