A/N: Where have I been? That's an interesting question. The answer is that I've been all sort of places, doing a lot of nonsensical idiocy. (Read: I love my family life.) Really though, I've been writing stuff, and my comp is covered with chapters. I just haven't posted anything because I haven't had the time to sit down and edit every single mistake my fingers do when they roll all over the keyboard...other than that, normal every day life had gotten a bit more hectic, but that really is to be expected.
I've hit one of those calm times when I have a chance to sit on my butt for more than an hour a day...so that would be why I'm on one of my updating sprees again. This story is actually a few chapters from being totally completed, all the chapters are just floating around in haphazard glee until I can post them. That's why this is being posted at the speed that it is.
Anyway, here we have chapter four...we're back to our regularly scheduled Shiz/Nat a long with some wonderful drama headed your way. The forecast reads as mildly depressing, with moments of barely there passion, and a few set up scenes. I hope you guys are enjoying the fiction thus far, as we continue this roller coaster.
White Fence
Chapter Four
"Pizza night, sounds good to me." Nao shrugged as she finished putting away what little she'd had on her desk in terms of paperwork. She was covered in soot, form head to toe, having had to deal with a dirty chimney earlier. She had tried to clean up as best as she could, but the ash seemed to just smear, instead of coming off cleanly. "Mai won't be able to make it though."
"I figured as much. I got a call from her this morning before I came in...something about an oil leak." Natsuki shrugged, knowing their car was an old rust bucket, but Tate refused to give it up. She felt the same way about her motor cycle, although she didn't take it out much anymore, she still had a fondness of tinkering with it. "I told her that if Tate can't fix it, I'd come by tomorrow and do it."
"That's all well and good, but that isn't what I meant." Nao said then, a dirty grin on her face to match the rest of her. "They've sent their daughter to live with Takumi and his girlfriend for a few days. That way, they can really amp it up."
"Isn't that counter intuitive?" Natsuki wasn't an expert in the subject, but that's what she assumed. "I mean, you'd think Tate would need some time, wouldn't he?" It really wasn't her place to talk about the sex lives of her friends, but that was the buzz around which Nao centered her lifestyle. The fiery red head wasn't happy unless she was meddling, though she only did it because she cared. "Mai should enjoy the time she has with Tate. I know upsetting herself won't do any good."
"Would you turn down sex with Shizuru?" Nao asked dryly, stripping down into her underwear in the office, eventually doing away with that too, thankful she could at least rinse off with the sink in the storage room. "I think not...lucky bastards." Tough, inwardly she agreed, she hadn't that that to anyone. "You can say that when you have someone to think about. Not all of us are so lucky."
"Still aren't getting any, are you?" Natsuki chuckled under her breath. "I thought you were seeing that guy Tate works with." She wasn't bothered by Nao's display, and nearly found her soot covered friend more amusing than not. "You chickened out, didn't you?"
"Are you kidding, it's those boys that should be afraid of me. The truth is, I decided not to go." Nao replied a using the sink in the storage room to hide her embarrassment as she splashed her face with water. "I kinda found out who it was, and thought better of it." Now that she was the one in the spotlight, she felt a bit awkward, and not in the least bit mortified. "I figured it was better to do that, rather than invite trouble."
"Well, don't just leave me hanging around." Natsuki was done with her work too, and it was only in the middle of the afternoon. There was paperwork to do, and a few notices to send out, but that was all done with electronic calling, so as long as she stayed in the room to monitor each call, she could do what she liked. "Who was it?"
"Takeda..." Nao sighed, not wanting to think about it.
"Takeda? As in my ex-boyfriend from middle school?" Natsuki couldn't suppress the smirk. "You should have gone."
"He was a dweeb then, and I'll bet he's the same way now." After sticking her head under the faucet, the black ash started to rinse away, wet locks of red began to show themselves. "I don't know why, but that just rubs me the wrong way...besides, you've already said it. He's your ex-boyfriend...and didn't the two of you having a falling out?"
"Well, yeah...but only because he moved outta the area. It wasn't like we got into a huge fight...we were just busy with other things." Natsuki shrugged as she leaned on the door frame, watching in awe as more and more ash seemed to wash away. Idly she wondered just what Nao had been doing, thinking Nao must have used herself as a broom. "I had the twins to look out for, and he had a new girlfriend not to mention a part time job...you always bug me about not looking for someone to make me happy, and now you're avoiding a perfectly good guy."
"I have other things going on." Nao turned off the water, the squeaky handle daring anyone to argue the point. "Unlike you, I have no problem finding someone down in the red light district."
"Takeda was actually pretty good in bed." Natsuki said then, recalling the memory. "I mean, I only did it with him a few times, but I didn't have any complaints."
"The guy was a total pervert." That part wasn't easily forgotten either. "I would hope he would have been a sex god, considering how much porn he used to watch."
"Don't knock it..." Natsuki shrugged. "You have to admit, some of that wasn't half bad either." It was amazing what Takeda would talk her into watching. "He used to talk about porn as casually as someone talked about the latest television show."
"With how red your face got, I'm surprised you retained any of it." Nao cackled, as Natsuki's cheeks tinted a slight bit in a hue of pink. "Yep, just like that, but more like a tomato."
"Oh, shut up!" Natsuki yelled, throwing Nao's clean bra at her face. "And get dressed before our boss comes in...I won't be explaining why you're strutting around the office naked." After she grabbed all of her things that were on her desk, she also picked up the last job that needed to be done today. "I'm going to go give the estimate on this house before I head back home...see you later."
...
(Natsuki POV)
I always tried to stop and think about back when I was younger. I would always close my eyes, and pretend that I had parents...then, I would ask myself what they would have done to me, if I had done something wrong. How would these important people in my life correct me? How would they reward the good, and discipline the bad? The memories I have of my father are barely there at all. He was a stern man, but a good man. He kept to himself, and my earliest memories of him consist of the man slouching over in his easy chair, mostly after working for several hours in a day.
In the morning, he was gone when I woke up...almost every night, he came home in a grumpy mood, and I would go to bed only a few hours after that. We didn't talk, we shouted. Normally, I was the one who could scream louder. Dad scared me sometimes, because I wasn't close with him...but he's a hard person to recall. If I try really hard, or if I catch a whiff of a particular cigarette brand, his face comes to mind...but it never lingers around. His work took him to many places, and often, he found himself in America spending time away from my household. I never questioned his absence, because of that.
My mother is an easier person to recall. She was, I assume, what any real mother would be like. A solid provider, loving, but never one to put up with back talking. I never shouted at her, because she wasn't the one I would fight with. I saw her as the authority in my life, but I also spent a lot of my time with her. We would play, and bake cookies...but we talked and watched television too. My mom worked full time, so I spent my days in a corporate childcare office before I was old enough to go to school.
Those images alone however, were not enough to guide my every decision when it came to raising Kane and Aki. I tried to think of the times I lashed out, of the times I was a difficult child...but as Kane and Aki got older...I realized my experience with what parents would do dwindled within a few months...then it bottomed out into nothingness. I couldn't rely on the memories, I learned that soon enough. There were times I got angry at the kids, perhaps unnecessarily so...but I was just a child myself, and I lacked the moral guidance one would have had otherwise. I had nothing to draw from...not even the abusive parents I saw on the network television, would tell me the things I needed to know.
Why did they do things that seemed wrong? Why would they be cold? Why would they get angry and yell? In other cases I wondered the opposite. Did they just not care? Was there something I was missing? There were times I found complacency astounding. That was another thing I often found myself pondering. Why would they spank? When would they let things go? When would they offer moral support? When would they let a kid cry it out on their own? Every single day, I found myself asking at least one of those questions in a new way.
I would feel lost because of it. Nao and I were cold people back then...we didn't exactly understand the things that Mai did. It wasn't that we were incapable of holding in our temper, it was that we understood very little on how children used to think.
I remember once, when Kane was four years old...he wet the bed. It was the only bed we had at the time. I was tired, and we were all hungry, having not much to eat for dinner that night. I was crabby, and if Mai hadn't been staying over, I honestly think I would have curled up in a corner and cursed the rest of the night away...but Mai didn't. She's an older sister...so she knows how to be nice...when to be calm. There were a lot of times I noticed it before...but that night was when I really had the wake up call.
Nao and I were strictly pissed off...we both have short tempers anyway, and we were loose cannons back then. Essentially speaking, the slightest thing would set us off...normally, Kane and Aki were the last two that could possibly do it...but, for some reason, I felt like the world was out to get me. Nao and I were ranting when we found out about it.
Long days at work, even longer nights working with them on the things they would need for school...skills they wouldn't have, if I didn't take the time...it was a lot for any person to take...we were angry...but not Mai.
She just flipped the mattress over, changed the bedsheets, and Kane while she was at it. I recall that she didn't yell at him...she didn't correct him even though by this time he had gone so far to upset himself about it, I wouldn't have needed to scold him...Mai just hugged him...showed him love. She knew the stress he would put on himself, and, for the first time, I'd begin to really understand my son through Mai's eyes.
Kane even to this day, never wants to let anybody down, and he'll become his own worst enemy because of it.
Mai never really believed in any of those parenting guides...and I found that really odd since when there was trouble, she was the first person I called. She knew, almost instinctively what to do, when all I could do was fumble around like an idiot, or panic in the worse case scenarios. She was always firm, but she was kind...always gentle when they were little. I knew I could be heavy handed, my memories are of that type of parent...but Mai hit home with something she'd said that night.
"You were little back then you idiot! You probably remember it differently than it really was...if you try and remember how it was, you'll be seeing it through the eyes of a child...that's not going to help you down the line. You have to breath before you yell...think before you just blow hot air out of your butt...or that's what they'll see...do you really want him to learn that? Do you want him to be the way you are now, cursing at every little setback?"
I'd never thought of it like that...but when I did, things became a lot easier. The questions became easier too. If I approved of it or not...if it was morally right...or if it wasn't. Was is really a big deal, or was it just a passing annoyance...there were the things I slowly began to consider, though it took time, I won't pretend to say that I changed my thinking instantly.
In fact, it's still a struggle not to let Aki see the real side of my temper. It's hard not to just go off the deep end, and yell at her when she started getting into fights at school...or when she skips classes...as they got older, I tried to do less and less...letting them learn for themselves. Now I'm at the point when I can really pull back, though there are times I don't.
I won't be a hypocrite...I won't be that parent...and it's hard to maintain that truth...but when they do something I know I used to do...and if I did it often...I back down...I let it happen. I'd like to think I grew into the role of raising them, because I know at first, I was a little idealistic shit...that's what I was, no question about it. I see the people they've become, and I see the qualities I've placed into them...I see it clearly, and I wish I'd spent the earliest years of their lives with the knowledge I'd had as they began to grow up...if I did, I think they would be better off.
I can't change the past though...so I have to hope that what I could give them was good enough...and that it will continue to be good enough as the years go by.
...
"Yeah...I know he does." Natsuki sighed as she let her phone sit on the table, the speaker continued broadcasting her conversation into the basement. "I don't blame him, but you know, you could always adopt." There were some conversations she didn't want to be apart of, but somehow, she was always dragged into them.
"I just wish it wasn't so hard." Mai had been gossiping for the past hour, the sounds of dicing up vegetables echoed through the speakers, each slice of the knife indicating it was something along the lines of a carrot. "I love him, really I do...but he wants another child more than anything...and he envies the fact that you have Kane."
"Uncle Tate is a lot different than being daddy." Natsuki said then, understanding a little bit of Tate's frustration. "But you've gotta hand the guy credit...he isn't as much of an idiot as I thought he would be...and I think your more desperate about it than he is." Tate was always supportive of Mai, and their daughter who was now in grade school. "If you cool your jets a little bit, I think you'd have an easier time." Even if he wanted a son more than anything in the world, he was also proud of his little family.
"I'm just trying to give him what he wants." Mai was on the defensive, and Natsuki stuck her tongue out at the phone, thankful that Mai couldn't see her. "What's wrong with being a proper wife?"
"You take the role of a wife and you run with it." Natsuki's words were blunted, but her aggravation was clear in her voice. "If you stress yourself out, you're not going to have another baby. A woman doesn't work that way, Mai. Just give it some time and wait it out...and like I said, if push comes to shove, you can always just adopt. Tate won't care if the baby's his in blood."
"But I will." Mai protested, not really wanting to hear what everyone had told her. She was hoping Natsuki would have been the supportive one. "I want to be the one to give him the one goal that he's always had. Tate wouldn't be bothered by it...and I would love any child that we bring into this house...but-" Mai didn't want to say it.
"You'd feel guilty...thinking you failed." Natsuki understood though...she just thought it was a stupid way to think. "It took you a long time the first time, so it'll likely take you a long time this time...just don't turn your sex life into a chore, would you...and give Nao a break, she keeps eating out of my fridge."
"Sorry..." Mai's voice became embarrassed. "I'll send over some stew with Nao...you can freeze it and make a quick meal later in the week."
"Throw in some extra broth, and a few really good cuts of bread, and it sounds good to me." The call seemed to end like most of their calls tended to do. A long, often boring or annoying conversation, ending with an abrupt ending when both parties had run out of things to say. Natsuki wasn't bothered with it, knowing that was simply the way they knew how to deal with each other. After hanging up her end of the phone, and getting something to drink of the canteen she had nearby, she resumed her current task.
Natsuki didn't get the chance to ask how school went Monday afternoon as the front door slammed hard.
The sounds of someone rushing into the first door in the upstairs hallway was her only greeting. It told Natsuki her son had come barreling through the house. She peered up at the ceiling as the light bobbed around momentarily. She licked her lips, and then took a sip of amber liquid in the canteen again had before exiting the basement. Her project of fixing the blasted water heater would be need to be forgotten again.
Instead, she let her mind throw around possible reasons for this. It was rare for Kane to cause such a stir, but when Aki also flew by in a hurry, Natsuki's concern deepened. She followed the two teens upstairs, and put a hand on Aki's shoulder.
"The kids are teasing him." Aki's said quietly at the wordless question. "He...uhhh..." Aki sighed as she backed away from the door. "I think we should leave him alone."
"Go do your homework, or if you think this is one of those bad times, go call Nao and Mai." Natsuki said then, knowing in times of trouble, it was only right to have one of those family meetings. "I think I need to go talk to him." Nao would want to be there, would have already flung Kane's door open, if she had been in the house at the time. Nao didn't play games, and often, she wouldn't think of mercy if one of the twins had been hurt.
"Don't do that." Aki whispered, anger tinting her eyes just a bit. "He's already embarrassed enough as it is."
"Yeah, but why?" Natsuki muttered, lost for words as she tried to keep her voice down. "What happened at school today?"
Aki's eyes hit the floor. "Mom, leave him alone." She grabbed onto Natsuki hand, all but begging her to let go of the door handle. "Please, just for now...leave him be."
Natsuki sighed, but relented. "Alright, but if he doesn't come out of his room by dinner, I'm going in there to see what's really going on." One look at Aki's knuckles, and she knew she would likely get a call in the following days. "Go wash up, and then do your homework...the only reason you aren't going to be grounded to high heaven right about now, is because I'm going to assume it was self defense." It was another fight, Natsuki knew those bruises anywhere.
"Then you better just ground me now, and get it over with." If Aki was anything, she was at least truthful. "It wasn't defense...and yes, I roughed up the little twerp a bit. He should know better than to mess with my brother. The jerk had it coming, first year's are stupid anyway."
Natsuki rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Please tell me there wasn't an all out brawl." Natsuki wouldn't have put it past the two of them. They were notoriously protective of each other. Aki shook her head, but stayed quiet, and Natsuki sighed again. "He isn't hurt, is he?"
"No...he's not bleeding or anything...but, Kane needs time...I know that he does." Aki walked over to her bedroom door. "I'll make sure he comes down for dinner." She was being sheepish and docile, as if she was worried too, but she was going to wait...and that truth calmed Natsuki's nerves.
Natsuki looked at Kane's door for a moment longer before going back into the basement. She really wanted to finish dealing with the water heater, and to give her kids some time alone. She was finished with what had to be done in record time, though it was an easy fix. It was pizza night at the house, followed by games and movies. Nao, as always on pizza night, would come with a six pack and extra controllers, so Natsuki took the liberty of texting Shizuru an invitation as well. It was, for lack of a better term, a good way to break the ice slowly.
There was a few moments then, when the world seemed idle, and Natsuki found herself restless. It was a time like this, that she wished Shizuru was as much apart of the routine as Nao or Mai. She wanted that simplicity, to just have someone around, without really needing a reason to say the fact aloud. She'd wished she could leave matters at rest, and forget about them so easily, but that just wasn't the case.
If she hadn't known anything about Shizuru, life would have just stayed the same. Idle time like this would be drab, and Natsuki would just mellow out with a beer, perhaps go and try to talk to Kane...right now though, she found she hadn't the strength. She might have called Nao and gone of to smoke a little confidence back into herself, something she only did when she knew she couldn't relax.
It bothered her...not knowing what was going on, and yet, she suspected she understood everything properly.
It made sense after all, and it suited Kane's personality. Even a window into his soul could not detect the subtleties of that boy. He was growing up, and perhaps in some ways, he wanted to face things alone. She could take pride in that, but she couldn't help him. She wanted dearly to be at his side in times of trouble, but this was unlike the other difficulties in his life.
Natsuki walked over to Shizuru's front door and let herself in when she noticed the woman was reading. "Hey stranger." It was a greeting that elicited a soft smile, and a most welcomed greeting placed upon her lips. Natsuki forced herself to be mindful of the front window, and didn't let the kiss linger for long. "I was in need of an escape." Natsuki said then intertwining their fingers together as she kissed the back of Shizuru's hand, a quite plea not to be overt.
"Trouble brewing already?" Shizuru wondered that, but Natsuki just smirked and shook her head. "That can't be good."
"No more trouble than any other day...I'm just waiting things out for now." Natsuki could see the question Shizuru wanted to ask. Those white teeth softly worrying a thin lower lip, keeping such a question from leaking out. Crimson red eyes sparkled, fighting away the words in her mind. Natsuki answered, for Shizuru's benefit. "They're teenagers, and as much as I want to go to Kane and try to help him out, I can't. If he does end up going to one of those schools far away, I have to be confidant that he is old enough to make the right choices. I have to know he can come to me. I won't be able to protect him otherwise." Her thumb ran small circles along the back of Shizuru's hand, a passing distraction, as she sighed out the last of her stress. "Still, I can't help but feel that his troubles aren't actually trouble, and just more of a circumstance that he'll just have to accept."
"It's bothering you, because you don't know that for sure." Shizuru knew that look as one of conflicting endeavors. Natsuki wanted to be the person she had built herself up to be, but, she knew she couldn't do it forever. "Do you think he'll open up about it?"
"With Kane, that's hard to say." Natsuki knew he might not ever say a word. "If it were Aki, it would only be a matter of time. Sooner or later, this would all come tumbling down in a fit or rage, and a big mess to clean up after that...but Aki's that type of person...if no one takes notice, she'll force them to see things the way that she does." Natsuki knew however, that was the anger that surged within Aki. It was the fact she knew there was something askew, but couldn't put her finger on just what exactly that issue was. "She got into a fist fight today, but that's not unusual. If Kane lets this go on for any length of time, Aki might say something...but, somehow, I feel like she's trying to protect her brother." Natsuki just shrugged. "That's why I think the problem that's really going on...it isn't really that big a deal."
"It sounds like it's a rather huge deal, if you ask me." Shizuru finally said, unsure of why Natsuki seemed so calm.
"I'm not going to feed you ideas about Kane...I could be wrong about it anyway...but, the fact of the matter is, Kane thinks the world of a few people in his life. If he had any fear in his mind that he may disappoint them, he wouldn't want to talk about it...and it would cause more trouble if I confronted him." Natsuki knew however, that Shizuru wouldn't follow the messy trail of thought. "This is something only Kane can work out...I can't interfere." It would have to remain a mystery.
"You seem pretty sure of that." This life of Natsuki's seemed like vortex of emotion. So much good, a dash of difficulty, and a past that had been poisonous to the core. It was a fulfilling life, she could see that...but Shizuru had to wonder what would have happened if she had kept the twins. She doubted they would be so strong. She questioned, if she would have the ability to just sit around, and wait for her little boy, who wasn't quite so little anymore, to come to her for help. Shizuru already knew those answers, and they tasted bitter in her mouth.
If she had that type of strength to begin with, she never would have accepted the offer her father put on the table. "I'll admit, I've not the slightest clue how to deal wish such matters." She would have been pigheaded, at the expense of the people that had mattered the most. "I wish I could have that same conviction." It was true, she'd admitted defeat...but she hadn't failed them.
"It sounds better than it actually is." Natsuki chuckled as she put her arm around Shizuru's shoulders. "There times when I think I'm losing my mind. Others, life couldn't be better." It was so easy, and yet so complicated, a spinning ire of truth and lies waiting to implode on itself. "This is just one of those 'losing my mind' times."
"Do you really think it's alright for me to be involved in their lives?" If it was the luck of the draw, or fate itself, Shizuru knew that her children had been left in capable hands.
"That's all subjective, Shizuru...but yeah...I want you by our side." The truths of today colored that rainbow, even if they didn't want to see the darkness found within the light. Yesterday was gone, and should have's, would have's, were merely a whisper in the wind. "I hope they will too, but I don't think it'll be easy."
The memories framed in Shizuru's mind paled in compassionate...the horrific dreams she'd had were merely that...events that didn't happen...things that haunted her, because her fears had taken over...the truth was kind...it warm, and loving. Never perfect perhaps, yet it was the nearest thing it could be. Shizuru would have to put faith in that, and she leaned into Natsuki, enjoying the embrace as they both sat on the sofa, waiting as the time passed them by.
It was with that, they talked about nonsensical, meaningless things. It may have seemed unimportant, but it was refreshing for them. A shared cup of tea, soothing to the soul.
…
(Natsuki POV)
I'm not exactly the best parent when it comes to censoring what my kids do. I don't really think about it. You know, there are times I used to worry about it. Then, I just stopped caring...the thing is, the way they grew up, there wasn't anything I could really do to keep them away from the actual realities of life...so I thought I might as well just toss them both in head first, hoping to god they could swim, so to speak. Yeah, LAN parties with wires trailing all over my house may seem questionable at the best of times, flat out a bad influence during others.
I just don't care.
I know where my twins are most of the time...I know what they watch, what they do...granted, there have been times I've seen the cable bill and about shat bricks...like when I found out they were renting the play boy channel with some explicit movies...but, that's just joys of being a teenager. Actually, I'd be more worried if they didn't get into that type of trouble, at least, occasionally. Time just slows down a bit, when we're all watching the glowing monitor, pressing buttons, eating pizza...just being a family. It's nights like that, when I let them get away the most with being bad.
I won't lie, I've seen them take tips out of Nao's beer of several occasions...Aki almost always does it right in front of my face. I like that, prefer that they're with me, if they're going to be doing it at all. At least here I can keep an eye on them, control the small hints of rebellion that seem to rise to the surface. Cussing seems to run rampant, we're all swearing at each other when we're playing, but...it's all good fun...a way I guess, to just let them blow off steam.
Shizuru looked lost when Kane had essentially shoved a wireless controller into her hands. His grin said it all, and you know...I could see it...the family resemblance that no one else dared to see. I know there were a few times Shizuru wanted to object, or correct them, and she would look at me. Her crimson eyes glimmered in ways that made my heart swell. The slow motion of her every movement seemed to me, as if she were trying for the first time to see beyond the just the faces of Aki and Kane. I could see how lost she was, by even the most simple of sentences. It came naturally to them, to just horse around in the living room, nearly breaking a lamp with a pillow in the process. For what it was worth, they'd been aiming at Nao.
In so many ways, I'm sure to Shizuru that it seemed like some sort of fantasy.
They passed out that night in front of the flickering screen, A sight I'd seen so many times, I'd lost count. For Shizuru, it was the first time she'd seen the innocence upon their faces...their defenses lost to the depth of sleep. I think, Nao and I took a lot of this kind of stuff for granted. I know Aki and Kane have no idea what their lives could have been like. I wonder, if instead of blowing away characters away on a pixel covered screen, if Shizuru would have encouraged reading, or perhaps teaching her children to properly enjoy the outdoors.
I'm not really sure...but tonight I saw for the first time, the kindness of the woman who'd left them.
Seeing her interact with them, fumbling through seemingly simple topics, that for her were unknown territory. If someone were to ask me what I thought about that...if Nao would have pulled her head out of her ass, she would have agreed. The scene, the truth...it was beautiful...it was the way things should have been.
However, I regret to say, they see her as what she is outwardly, our neighbor. For now, I would rather her see them like that, then see them with reservations in their eyes. I think Aki will become judgmental, and I'm prying nights like tonight will curb that, even if it's just a little bit.
…
"Are you sure this is a wise idea?" Shizuru asked softly as Natsuki took her hand to lead her upstairs. "Maybe I should go home for the night." It was the first time in the weeks they'd been seeing each other that Shizuru would be allowed to stay over on a school night.
"Shizuru..." Emerald eyes regarded the taller woman in the dark as they stood frozen in the stairway. "I won't deny that this is rushed." Still, it was what she wanted the most. "If you want to go home, I won't stop you. Yet, at the same time, I won't ask you to go either..." Natsuki looked into the living room, where the twins were still snoring away. "Part of me is praying that I don't have to beg you to stay. My place is here, because when the two of them wake up in the morning, this house will be a mess. They don't expect that Nao will be here, but they depend on the fact that I will be. I want you in my bed when I wake up tomorrow, as wrong as that may sound...but, I can understand your worries, because I have them too."
A hesitating kiss shared between them seemed like an eternity between shared heartbeats. The light blue paint of the hall muted into nothingness when Natsuki leaned back on it. "I don't date." Shizuru breathed then, trying her best to see through the darkness. "I've never been good at that." Old, well rehearsed lines fell from her lips, even as her deft fingers toyed with the buttons on Natsuki's shirt. She wondered just where this new threshold put her, where did she stand? How close was she to the family she wanted to be apart of? "But you already know that." So why...what did Natsuki think she was doing? "I can only wonder what could be playing in the back of your mind."
It was a quandary that no one had answers for. If they did, it would cheapen the sentiment. "Who says we're dating?" Natsuki asked heatedly, her pulse quickening. "Shizuru, those are your children in there...this is me standing right here. Dating is for people who have the luxury to get hurt and move on. We don't have that." She licked her lips as she pulled Shizuru the rest of the way up the flight, and into the hall. Emerald eyes hardened in confusion, as her breath fell from her lips in shallow admissions she dared not say. "I'm not asking to just date you."
Shizuru closed her eyes as she felt gentles hands pull her into an embrace, and she couldn't stop herself from trembling. "Then, just what are you implying?" Her voice shook as she tried so very hard to keep herself from relenting. "Don't start making weird confessions." It was too soon, her mind screamed that...words like this, they didn't come so easily to people. "I can't deal with that." She could see it in Natsuki's eyes, she could hear it in her voice. Shizuru had tried to ignore it, but it was getting harder and harder to do that.
Natsuki let her eyes fall to the floor, as her words fought to find a place between them. "You know that I can't say things like that." No, she couldn't say it. "I'm not able to say those words." Natsuki knew well, her actions could scream it. Her eyes could call out to be heard. She wanted to just say it, but the promises it contained weren't things either of them could accept yet. "I can't deny what I feel...even if we both know I want to say it...I'm incapable of those words." She tried to search for something else to say, falling short, there was nothing that could compare. "I'm not asking anything...I just want you around, Shizuru. It can be that easy."
"Can it really?" It didn't seem like it, but if it could be, Shizuru wanted that dearly.
"It's time for bed, we've got to get up early in the morning." That was Natsuki's answer. Simple, and without the undercurrent of desire that bubbled within her. Sleep without pretense, actions based on whim...Natsuki felt as if for once in her life, something like that would not only be alright, it would be the very lifeblood for both of them.
"What if I'm not sleepy?" Shizuru asked then, wondering if she could push the tiniest confession from Natsuki's soul. Anything a step in the right direction so that she could deny that she felt the same...Shizuru knew it would be a lie, because she shared the same fear within her gut...would they truly be accepted? Could they love without causing pain? Shizuru wanted so dearly for the answer to be something near the affirmative. "You know how I am, Natsuki." Shizuru's voice was devoid of flirtation, and brutally honest. "Can you honestly imagine this is a good idea?"
"I can abandon any and all pretense." Natsuki said then, letting her fingers trail up Shizuru's thighs, resting her palms on Shizuru's denim clad hips. "But, I can't force you to understand what it might mean. Everyone else around me would know my intention, but for you, that would be something you'd need to learn." Natsuki wasn't entirely sure of that herself, and it bothered her, not having something so simple at her fingertips. "I can't say it will be good."
"However, you can't deny that even if it were bad, that you wouldn't regret it." No, Shizuru knew well by now. Natsuki wasn't careless, she did everything she meant to do, even if the words never fell from her lips. "You're playing at a dangerous game."
"Stupid, perhaps." Natsuki replied easily. "Dangerous hasn't even begun to happen."
Sleep didn't claim them and the dark hall protected them from the harsh truth. What they really wanted wasn't so far away from grasp. Yet, it was not so easily attained either. Just as not a single eye could fall upon them in the safety of their world, so too, was it true that they could not see into the future that would await the two of them if they kept up this way of life.
Soon, eventually, someone would pull away the secretes of those silken sheets, but, Natsuki wasn't ready to admit that.
If this were any other time, Shizuru wouldn't give a damn about it. If this were any other time, they would tear away their clothes, and along with them, the very notion of hiding in the shadows. It was a dance they'd done so many times before, caressing moist heat, wrapped up in the lacy uncertainty. There were so few times they actually made it to the bed, usually settling for the chase lounge that was near to Natsuki's door.
Instead however, there was something less hungry, and perhaps just a little more apprehensive about the way shared heated kisses, and barely there whispers that carried into the night, knowing they would have to be quiet. Shizuru wondered if she had the strength to become a lover in the intimate sense, forgoing carnal, primal needs, for those of a domestic calling. It was uncanny, and not a bit unnerving...and yet, she couldn't deny the warmth she felt, the joy of even Natsuki's kiss.
They forwent the brutally raw sexual desire that Shizuru was so adept in coaxing from Natsuki's breath. Who knew, after all, how fleeting sharing in a simple embrace would be. This night was not like every other night, Natsuki had put trust in that fact. Shizuru felt as if she were young again, muddling through something not entirely sexual, but just as passionate, and she wondered if she could really do this.
Natsuki had taken her to bed for sleep...purely sleep, and nothing more...and she wondered for not the first time that night, what Natsuki's signals might mean.