A/N: Here we are with the next chapter...finally...anyway I hope you all like it. Thanks for the support thus far.
Don't own Mai HiME.
White Fence
Chapter Six
It wasn't that he didn't have better things he could be doing, as he sat around glaring daggers up into the ceiling. It was that, every time he tried to write the essay he had to do, he found that he froze up. Even as he stared blankly at the pages in his political science book, he couldn't come up with the answers. He felt muddled, he wouldn't deny that, but his mind kept wandering. He was alone, that was part of the problem. The house settled, but all he could hear were the sounds of his own breath, the silence nearly staggering. He could do nothing to get rid of it, not even music helped. He wasn't usually so bothered by trivial things, but recently he couldn't stand to sit idly by in his room.
He would have given anything to hear anybody make a racket. Signs of life were a fleeting thing when he was stuck in his own mind. He thought perhaps he would go get fresh air, but even that sounded like a bad idea. He wanted to clear his head of all the turning worries that had been holding him down. There was only one way he could do that, but, as Kane peered out of second story window, he did little more than watch as the woman tended her garden. He wanted that peace that he saw in her eyes.
To his greatest dismay, he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen anyone with such clarity in crimson orbs, a contented smile something difficult to receive.
Struggling to recall a time when even his own sister could be that way, forced him to come up short. It wasn't that they'd lived a sad life, but, that Aki had always fought to find something. In passing, he'd listened to what Aki had been ranting about as they grew up. The facts of his past mattered very little to him, but his future seemed to be a twisting road, each step he took, always pointed him into a different direction. He'd not the slightest clue why he felt the need to speak to this woman that held his attention.
Still, the urge that he did at all, was enough of a reason for him.
He was always simple like that, so even when he shadowed over her, blocking the sunlight from hitting the small sprouts she'd been tending, he had nothing pressing to announce. His observation of the world around him always came first, but the woman he had his eye on, was something of a pickle. He couldn't figure her out. As much as he wanted to ignore all the things Aki had ever told him, they seemed like echoes. Now, he had a reason to go back, and nit-pick at the details. That worried him, and the evidence sat in front of him.
He would willingly relent, that both he and his sister, looked nothing like the people in their lives. He could even accept the passing notion that any past they may have had, would be shrouded in mystery for the rest of his life. He could even agree that he was likely abandoned by a family who hadn't wanted him. However, it bothered him, because at the end of the day, it didn't matter.
The problem was, a clue had recently waltzed into their lives.
He would have normally overlooked such a detail, but his mother seem so interested in the woman. Try as he might, he couldn't understand Shizuru's appearance, or her meaning. It bothered him even more, to note that a more consistent part of their world. "You like flowers." Withdrawn perhaps, and soft, his voice wouldn't carry very far. "And humming, you do that a lot too." As far as he searched in his memories, this woman was not in them...still, he could not block away the intentions he'd both seen, and had been told. "Every morning, you're out here." He could see it from his desk, and he was not blind nor deaf.
The boy had stayed home from school, as Natsuki wished that he would, though the woman was at work. He had been trusted at home alone. "I see." Shizuru thought he would have locked himself away for the entire day, but instead, in the bright afternoon sun, he stood in his pajamas watching her every breath. "I suppose I do." Shizuru met his eyes, wondering why he was giving her such a cold stare, nearly a scowl, though his voice was the opposite. "May I help you?" As if she were a trinket to fixate upon, his cold eyes wouldn't leave her form.
Kane merely stood there, his chocolate colored orbs glimmering in the shadow he'd made, gently forming his hands into fits, and withdrawing them into the pockets at his sides. She could help him understand, he knew that, but it was with a sigh that he found it wouldn't matter. "Aki has always said things." There was a truth in her eyes, a resemblance that was not so out of reach. "I've ignored them. My entire life, I pushed those things away." He could no longer do so, and that bothered him. "It was alright...my sister, she shouts about things a lot." He couldn't focus his eyes on her. The familiarity was startling when he took the time to notice it closely. Instead, he knelt down and picked up one of the flowerpots, small sunflowers were waiting to be planted. "Mom wanted to protect us. She was there, so, that's all that mattered."
When he took a breath, and looked back up at Shizuru, her face told him all he needed to know. "My mom likes you..." That was why he felt embittered, this was the first person, man or woman, that he could recall his mother ever taking an interest in. "And you think what Aki and I say matters." He wondered of the strength of this woman, and found it nearly insulting that anyone would think less of him. As if he would hate his only parent, purely for her feelings made for another. "We should mean nothing to you, if you truly love her."
Shizuru tried desperately to withstand the words that pierced her heart, but it was a struggle. "I'm afraid that's just not true." Her red eyes were holding back the tears that threatened to fall. "You all mean a great deal to me, but, I'm afraid the reasons why, are not easy to explain." The scars of the past were so easily torn open by his voice, and the look in his eyes, though indifferent hurt the most. "I'm sorry, Kane. I wish I had a proper explanation, but I fear even that wouldn't be enough for you."
As Shizuru began to feel herself crumble apart, Kane remained the stony face of study. There really wasn't any words that he could say, heartfelt or otherwise, they wouldn't come to him. "Doesn't matter."
"I assure you, it does." Shizuru was tempted to sit him down and tell him everything then and there, but he shook his head, as if disappointed in her.
"What I think of you...it doesn't matter." Slowly, as if he was unsure of himself, he reached out for the spade that she kept clenched in here gloved hand, and he dragged it out from her grip. "Whatever it is I may have to say, it doesn't matter, it won't change how my mom feels about you." He found an empty space and began to dig a hole. He wished he could say things better than that, but he couldn't accept the feeling that bubbled in his gut. He didn't understand the uncanny plague that danced in his mind. He was intent on searching for the answer, finding something other than solitude. "You don't have to cry, just plant flowers." He wanted that the most. The simplicity from before, it seemed so calm, the tranquility he couldn't attain from his room could be found here. The company of another was the only thing he truly wanted right now.
Shizuru was at a loss as he looked at her expectantly. "How can you forgive me?" How could he even know how to forgive, when he was unaware of her truest sin? She didn't dare ask that question. "I've shown you nothing but unsightly things." It was a double meaning, and although she knew it would be lost on him, she didn't want to provoke that discussion without Natsuki around. "You've not the slightest clue about me, and yet, you've seen more of me than you care to admit."
He frowned at that.
He could fully agree, yesterday the encounter that he had witnessed went far beyond what he would have expected. However, he could never feel disgusted at the truth, one that he had run away from. "If anyone is unsightly, it's me." He held out the spade, waiting for her to take it, and when she didn't, he opened her palm, and gently placed it there. "The flowers..." Perhaps she understood the feeling, the one he had not fully accepted. The sickening feeling that made him feel as if he'd failed those he loved. How could anyone accept him, when he struggled to accept himself? "Show me how, like you do it." If he could find solace within such a mutual feeling, he wouldn't begrudge the few moments of peace it would give his mind. "I'd like to learn."
"If you wish." Shizuru murmured, still fearful, and unsure.
While it was true that some took the day in pursuit of leisure, there were others caught in the daily grind.
The middle of the week was always the worst as far as repairs, and of the many odd jobs Natsuki and Nao would take, there were a handful that they hated. "So, she crashed without so much as a phone call?" Another long day at work, and this time they were unclogging some woman's pipes. They hardly took pluming jobs, but when they did, it was usually because the pipes were in a bad state of ill repair. The saving grace was that this gave them time to talk, away from everyone else. "I would have beat her ass in good if were you." It wasn't within their usual expertise, they preferred working outdoors. "But, that's just me, it's your kid." Nao had to admit, she had a lot to catch up on.
Anything to make a quick buck, that seemed to be the motto for the week.
"Don't look at me like that." Natsuki sighed at the fact that when she'd come to quote this job, she wasn't aware of just how bad the water damage had been. "There wasn't any need." It was a slew of odd jobs that no one else would seemingly take, not that there were many plumbers in the area in the first place. "Akira did it as soon as she found out, and boy was she pissed." Natsuki smirked then, the irony not lost on her. "She found Aki sneaking around, and dragged her to the dojo. They had a good match, but, Akira didn't go easy on her."
Nao understood perfectly the implication. "So, by crashed, you mean completely knocked out. Akira must have beat the shit out of her." It made sense, Nao assumed, but that didn't answer her questions. "Why did Aki even get stupid in the first place?"
"That has more to do with Kane than anything." Natsuki replied then, as she paused what she was doing. In her hand, she held one of the rusted pipes, and felt as if she was walking down a slippery slope. She put down the heavy metal that needed to be replaced, and sat on the side of the bathtub. "It isn't my place to say this, but Kane finally confirmed it. I'm glad that he did, I'm just not at all pleased with his classmates."
"So he takes it in the ass, big deal." Nao chuckled with amusement. Like Natsuki, she'd already thought as much. "What does that have to do with Aki's bitching?"
"He was getting picked on, but I don't know by who." Natsuki looked up at the ceiling, and then at the wall where they had exposed the pipes, grimacing when she was met with a horrendous sight. "It's just like Aki told you...she took care of it. Granted, she shouldn't have missed...but that's what catches me off guard the most." Lime green eyes and emerald met, a shared agreement between them. "Why did Aki miss?"
"Akira didn't figure that part out?" Nao sighed...it was bugging her too. Something was wrong. "Aki didn't talk much, did she?"
"They were fighting most of the afternoon. Akira said that she couldn't really find out much." Aki wasn't talking and wasn't going to make a peep about it. That was the shared consensus. "The twins are getting older, and they're starting to make a path for themselves." Natsuki bit her lip, thinking about everything that was brewing like a storm. "I can't help but think that this was bound to happen eventually, so I shouldn't be worried about it." Then the thoughts about Shizuru came into play, and it blew that theory out of the water. "Kane would have stayed quiet a lot longer, but he walked in on Shizuru and I. When we talked about that, he finally told me...but the fight at the school, was likely Aki seeing something she didn't want to see."
"You've gotta tell them soon, Natsuki." Life couldn't keep going on like this. "Just throw it out there, and let them deal with it." Nao knew it was really the only way, but she didn't like it much either. "Aki's troubled, and not that I think it will help...but if she needs to be pissed at someone, it can be us for a change." It was then Nao thought it would be a good time to lower what she would consider a tiny bomb. "By the way, don't kill your daughter when she goes to her usual hiding spot tonight."
"Why would I kill her for listening to music on the roof?" That didn't make any sense, and Natsuki crossed her arms, a glare in her eyes. "You didn't give her booze did you?"
"Hell no, I wouldn't give her something like that!" Nao shot back, nearly insulted. "Have a little faith in me, I know you don't want her drinking alone. I gave her a joint."
"That's any better?! Where's the logic?" Natsuki roared, as she slammed down the calking tube she had in her hand. "Yes Nao, let's give my daughter pot! Further more, let's give her an entire joint to walk around with! What in the hell is wrong with you?"
"Jesus, calm down." Nao fired back, grabbing Natsuki by the shoulders and pushing her hard against the wall, thankful no one was allowed in their construction space. "If you take it out on her, you'll only be doing the one thing you swore you'd never do." Nao told Natsuki, refusing to let her friend raise her arms to strike. "She wants to get high, fine, but I'll be damned she starts smoking stuff from the boulevard. I rolled it thin, it's only a baby one."
Natsuki released a shaky breath. "The problem isn't the size, it's the fact that she has one to begin with." She knew Nao was right, but it didn't stop her from wanting to lay into her. "If you think just because you and I used to do drugs, that it gives her the same rights, you're really stupid."
"That's isn't how I think at all." Though for most wandering eyes, the fact remained to be seen. "You know better than anyone, Aki isn't the type to simply trust what we say blindly. She isn't like that." Nao had her own rolled and perched upon her ear, waiting for a job well done to be enjoyed. "If that's the case, you have to consider just what type of person she is." Nao was a simple person, with easy to attain joys, it just so happened, some of them were questionable.
"I know what you're thinking, and the answer is no. I'm not doing it Nao." It was rare for Nao to insinuate anything delicately, but in this case, she didn't need to be forward. "You want me to smoke with her. I can't do that." It was the conclusion Natsuki jumped to first...and that Nao was waiting for.
"Damn right I do." It was spot on, as Nao turned to get back to work. "The kid is stressed, and she's going to start experimenting with things. She can either do it with us around so we can keep an eye on her, or she can go out and do it without us there...now which one would you rather deal with?"
"This is a bad idea...I can't condone it." Natsuki felt Nao's petulant stare and she looked up, seeing the knowing look. "No way, not even if hell froze over."
"Get with the program, or your kid is gonna be out in the streets, doing god knows what." Nao said then, knowing she was hammering a nail into both of their coffins. "When I think about the crap you and I used to do, I realize I'd rather smoke the damned pot with Aki." It was a past Natsuki didn't want to be reminded of. The nearly daily hangovers, the nights of paranoia and lost sleep...even breaking the habit wasn't without the chills and nightmares. "You remember the laced stuff we got...do you want that to be her?"
…
(Natsuki POV)
Nao's right.
I know that beyond all reasonable doubt...in my first year of middle school, I was in a bad time in my life. It was right after both of my parents were gone, and I'd been put into my first foster home. I ran away and directly into Nao...while it was true we went to the same school, before then, I'd always thought she was a pain in the ass. I was a pretty innocent teen, but I was so angry. When I'd decided I was going to run away, I also decided that drugs were a good way to rebel.
That's how we first really got to know each other, we got picked up by the same probation officer, tagged as runaways...you could say things went down hill from there. It finally got to the point no foster family would take me, and the cops stopped looking for me. I was fifteen at that point, a few months before the twins were unceremoniously dropped on the convent door step. Anyway, Nao and I hadn't been growing our own, instead we'd been buying off the street, and got a hold of something bad...really bad.
It's a time I refuse to relive, and it took a lot of work from Mai to break us out of whatever we had gotten a hold of. I can say that it wasn't just pot.
While it's true that I refuse to be a hypocrite, I've also tried to be as realistic as I can be within those parameters. If I don't like something, I let them know about it...the stuff I occasionally find on the television is a perfect example to that. There's a time and a place for some of that stuff, and it belongs behind closed doors. What they watch in their own rooms, I don't mind nearly as much, but, there are still things that will get blocked as soon as I find out about it. I've always tried to act with standoffish tendencies...
...I really do want them to stumble into unwanted territory on occasion, it's the only way they'll learn...however, it needs to be in an controlled environment.
Putting my foot down about this however, would be a bad idea, just as Nao says...Nao was that teen that didn't listen, and inadvertently made bad choices by nature. Though I know it was her fault, and her own actions, I can't really say her parents handled it in the best way either. Aki is a lot like that, if she thinks it'll get a rise out of me, she'll try it. She's do anything once to get back at me, or dive me crazy.
With Kane and Aki, I've learned from past experiences, if you take the rebellion out of it, they generally leave it alone. If they don't leave it alone, they follow the rules the rebellion comes with. I'm not the type of person who has a problem teaching with the mindset...hair of the dog, and all of that...it actually works quite well.
With Aki, we've already gone through this with booze. Letting her get smashed once, was enough to show her how crappy it really is. She understands to maintain control. That's why I let her drink when she's around Nao and I. She knows for her own sake, getting completely blasted is more trouble than it's worth. With pot though, it's a little difficult, I doubt it'll be the same way. I'll cross that bridge when I come across it later tonight, but for now, I can't help but feel like Aki really has picked up on everything Nao and I used to do. I don't know how I feel about that.
Nao's also right about the Shizuru thing too...
It just can't be put off for any length of time. The truth is, I was waiting for some sign that would let me know everything would be okay, but, true to most of the things in my life, I'm not gifted with that luxury. In being honest with myself, it would have been better if I hadn't gotten involved with Shizuru, that I let her become just a passing person in my life. If I had lived with the denial, nothing would have come to light...we would have been able to do that, and we could have gone on for years that way...possibly even forever. They say happiness comes at a price.
I just don't know if I'm willing to pay it.
What is that price? A few weeks of losing my sanity? If so, I could do that...but if the price means that I destroy any and all pretense of what my happy home had once been, I don't think I can. I don't want people to suffer, but at the same time, I'm unwilling to yield. Shizuru brings me happiness, I want her by my side, but the truth isn't so easy. I know that. I understand I may not be realistic on that side of the fence, and I most certainly don't claim to be either. We've come so far, but to say that those romantic feelings would last?
I'm not sure.
We're not young, but we're not old. The fact is, we're not children, we're adult enough that we should know what we want. I'm cold enough, that I haven't put any real thought into that. The things that could easily be spoken in the time Shizuru and I have spent together, could just as easily be taken back and forgotten...that's why I haven't said anything. Passionate declarations are nothing but trouble...it's easy to say that you feel something for someone, it's another thing to live out those feelings every single day, not knowing when you'll feel differently...
Or in my case, having a life that comes naturally to be by myself.
I like the idea of a relationship, and I have needs just like everyone else. Still, at the end of the day, I prefer to be alone for the most part. If I crack open a beer and spend all night gabbing away in the kitchen with my friends, that's my prerogative. If, by the same notion, I want to bring a woman into my bed, I don't want to feel guilty about anything stupid I might say. Sooner or later, I'd actually prefer if the woman goes home for a night or two...not because I would tire of the person, or anything like that, just because I'm that type of solitary creature.
I want Shizuru by my side as a lover, but at the same time, my lifestyle is my own...it isn't exactly an easy one to conform with...I also doubt that I can change drastically after being single for so long.
I've thought about getting married, settling down further into my life, and perhaps, having another child. Though, there's just something that doesn't sit right with me about that. I don't know what it is, but it's been there my entire life, even back when I was dating Takeda...although, the same troublesome feeling occurred with several women too. I think that as soon as someone tries to impede on the life I've built from literally the ground up, I cut it off to protect what I have. Going from a couple of bills in my pocket a week, if that at all, to a yearly contract with full benefits and sick leave...that's the type of thing most people take for granted.
They think their children are theirs to teach as they wish, and then fail to take responsibility for every fault and failure...even though they are the parents, they chose that life. As wrong as it might sound, there are alternatives, and if people are too lazy to do something about it, then they aren't fit parents anyway. That's the way I see it.
Shizuru's the type of person who made the choice, she was active enough to at least do something, instead of wallowing around in what little of a pathetic existence she may have had. That isn't to say she'd devoid of fault, because she carries the guilt upon her shoulders, a daily reminder that doesn't weaken her...it doesn't own her...but it is a fact of her life. She, is a lot like me in that way. The facts are facts, and call it crying out if you'd like, but it won't change her life, it will only burden those who allow themselves to be bothered by it.
I'm not at all trouble by those facts, just what it might mean, depending on where we take our relationship. Her burdens are hers alone...I can't wash those away, even if I wanted to be the one to do it.
We both understand that we should tell Aki and Kane the truth. However, in doing so, we will be carving answers into their past like a blade...it's a forced truth at that point, and it's one Kane wouldn't really care about. Aki however, could see it as a bad thing. I'm sure she will, if I'm being honest with myself. It would be unfair not to say a word, it would be stealing away part of their lives, and Shizuru would never have the chance to bond with them at all, she would forever be an outside observer, and slowly, I know that it would eat her away inside.
I wish there were more options, more ways to deal with this...but we don't have any...just like a lot of things in life that never seemed to pan out.
…
It was later in the evening when Natsuki got off work and she'd immediately hit the shower seeking warm water, and the feeling of being clean. It wasn't until she came down dressed in her robe that she took notice of the television that was on, even though Kane was more focused on the dirt under his fingernails. "Have a good day?" She wondered that since he was still in his pajamas.
"It wasn't good, but not bad either." No, it wasn't anything so clear cut. He looked up from his task, finding his mother's interested gaze and he merely shrugged. "It was lonely around here, so I planted some flowers." His smile was a soft wane, but it was enough to get his point across. "I should have worn gloves." Now his hands were dirty, not that he particularity minded, but it was a new to pass the time, and for that he was thankful.
"Did you have fun?" Even as she said that, Natsuki could already see what he'd meant.
"Not really." Once again his eyes went back to his hands. "I didn't do it to have fun." No, it wasn't something he would show to his friends, it wasn't even something he thought he'd spend idle time pondering about. "Shizuru was just out there, and it seemed like a good idea at the time." He wouldn't mind doing it again the next day, but he doubted he'd ever develop any real passion for it. "I just wanted the company."
"Alright then." Natsuki wasn't quite sure what to make of that as she folded her arms. "Where's your sister?" The house had been awfully quiet, she'd had to admit. The serenity could, in and of itself, be maddening. "I haven't seen her around." She knew that well.
"Up on the roof, she's been there since she came home, but she smells like she was with Nao all day." Either way, Kane hadn't paid much attention to that.
It wasn't what she wanted to hear, but it had been what she expected. Natsuki sighed, even though Nao had warned her about this. She made her way into Aki's bedroom, knowing that it would be empty, but that her window would be open. A stool Aki normally sat on would be placed suspiciously under the open window. That was often the routine, especially when the moon was full and the stars were bright. Aki liked being in places where she could be alone, and the roof was a place she could do that freely, she wasn't even bothered in the slightest about the gentle slope, so long as she had her headphones.
It was a struggle to get out onto the roof, a bedroom window was not normally Natsuki's method of choice. "Keep it up, you'll end up on probation, and then you'll be screwed." It was the moment of truth, and Natsuki felt the conversation from the afternoon fall back over her shoulders. She didn't like seeing this, but, she knew what could happen if she didn't dare to watch. "Trust me, having an officer up your ass, sucks." It was the parents who didn't take an action, who ignored the problems at hand, that failed their children. "You don't want to be like that." Yet she wondered if she had the resolve to allow such a thing near her home.
Aki looked up at her mom as a joint perched in her lips. Her lips as usual, were painted thickly in black, but the rest of her face was devoid of makeup. "It wouldn't be the first time I was wrongly accused. I'm not bothering anyone up here, so if the cops hate me for that, I guess that just proves that the world really does hate me." Aki shrugged, taking a particularly long drag, and looking back out across the city. "Everyone else should be worried about themselves, I leave them alone, don't I?"
Natsuki didn't know quite how to respond to that, and Aki did have a point, she wasn't doing anyone else any harm at all. "You going to tell me why you're up here?" It wasn't an oddity, Aki hid up on the roof often enough, especially at night. It was however, an oddity to smell the distinctive smell of pot as it wafted thickly in the air. The fact Aki wasn't coughing her lungs out was also proof enough, this was not the first time she'd dabbled with it.
"It depends...are you going to tell me why you go next door every other day?" Aki's crimson colored eyes painted a bloody hue when it was dark out. "Or why my brother keeps avoiding me?" Some people called her a freak when they saw how she dressed. "Or maybe we should talk about the fact that I'm failing two of my classes, and my teachers think I'm a lost cause..." Perhaps it was because she insisted on wearing blacks, blues, and grays, with splashes of red...it could have been her naturally pale skin, that rarely had a blemish. It could have even been the way she smoked, the look in her eyes were not childlike at all. With her gaze fixated on the stars, it seemed almost erotic, if not broken. This was the type of person her daughter had grown into, a very deep soul that was usually happy. "We could talk about a lot of stuff, either way, I'm still the black sheep." But when she wasn't, it was a dark day indeed.
With care, Natsuki pulled the joint from between her daughter's lips, looking at the burning tip. "Maybe so." That was a fitting description, Natsuki couldn't deny that. "Always in the shadows, even when you're in the lime light." It was always the negative attention, and yet, that was the kind that hurt the worst.
It was so much the truth, Natsuki had found her answer, and it was one that surprised her. She had come up with a prepared list of why smoking was a bad idea, but she could see clearly, that method wouldn't work with Aki. No, a little rebellion went a long way, and Natsuki had to remember that. She regarded the illegal substance before she put it to her own lips, taking a hit. Moments of silence passed as she let the smoke fill her lungs, and she closed her eyes. It had been months since last smoked one of these, and even when she expertly let the smoke slowly exit her lips, she couldn't help the smirk that fell over her face. "You were raised by a herd of black sheep...I was one too, after all." Aki's mouth was agape, this was the last thing she expected as Natsuki's handed it back. "Take a hit, pass to the left, take a shot of vodka after you exhale, and chase with a swig of beer. Those were the rules Nao and I had back then...though normally it was just her and I."
Aki let the question linger in her eyes before she actually took hold of the joint in her mother's hand. Natsuki only nodded, letting Aki take it back, and watched as the teen took another hit. Even as the silence filled the air again for a short time, it was practically screamed before the whispered voice found purchase. "Why?" It was a question filled with insecurity. There were so many things it could have meant, but if anyone understood the underlying force behind the word, it was Natsuki. Why wasn't she getting yelled at? Why wasn't she in trouble? Why wasn't she hated?
It meant so many things for Aki, and none of them were good.
"I could put a foot up your ass, but then you won't do it on the roof anymore, would you?" Natsuki already knew that much. "So, I can either smoke with you, or murder Nao for giving you the pot in the first place. Punishing you wouldn't do a damn bit of good." Aki was a willful person, Natsuki knew she couldn't really control it, not if Aki did it around her friends instead of at home. "I can tell this is Nao's blend, and that means it's pure. You can't trust that it would be the same off of the street. People lace it with things that don't belong there...as long as it's Nao's stuff, I'm not going to be pissed. Though, I can tell you are totally a tyro."
"A tyro?" Aki wrinkled her brows at that.
"A noob, a slouch...basically someone who doesn't do something often." On the pass back, Natsuki took the joint in her fingers, and chuckled. "The paper screws up the taste, not that you really have enough experience in that." After taking one last hit, she licked the end of her thumb and put out the lit end. "Really though, this isn't something I want you doing on your own. If Nao has one lit, and you want to take a hit or two off of hers, that's fine...but none of this going off on your own crap. I'm keeping this one...if you want a few hits, you tell me. You smoke with Nao and I only, no one else, or I will call probation on you myself."
Aki didn't have any complaints, though as she sat down and really thought about it, she couldn't help thinking about the lingering image. Nao's bad habits were something that were second nature, and a normalcy to see. "How much did you used to smoke?" She could never recall her mother ever having drugs in her possession.
Natsuki rolled her eyes, showing Aki the pad of her thumb. "Enough not to get burned when I put out the cherry with my thumb." Natsuki slid the joint behind her ear. "I still smoke with Nao every now and then, I just made sure I never did it around you kids. The key is moderation, just like with drinking...but I can't show you that. This isn't like vodka or whiskey. The hints that you've had more than you should have are subtle, and something you learn over time..though, as the weeks and months go by, if you did it often enough, you'd develop a tolerance. For Nao, she smokes it out of habit more than anything, but she also maintains control...I can tell you honestly, you wouldn't know how to do that."
"I'm always the bad one." Aki finally said. "I don't care that I am, but if I'm going to be, I should live up to the name, shouldn't I?"
"If you want, but honestly it's more trouble than you'd think. It isn't worth it." Natsuki wondered idly when she'd come to that conclusion on her own. It wasn't as a teen, and not even as a young adult. It had to have been in recent years. "You've always tried to make people see this harsh side of you, and if you want to walk around looking like that all the time, more power to you." The truth was, all of the makeup, steel, leather, even the hair dye was a way to escape prying eyes. "You don't realize how much you actually see, how smart you really are. You don't get that, because if you did, you wouldn't be farting around...you'd see by now that hell hole your brother calls a school, isn't made for a person like you."
"Yeah, but nothing is made for a person like me." Aki already knew what the teachers thought of her. "They say I'll be a dropout. Two of my professors already think it's worthless to do any of my missing work. They told me my grades were so low, I wasn't going to pass." The students weren't much better. "It's either summer school, or I repeat the year a third time."
"Or, you can tell them to fuck off." It was the last straw on a thinning rope. It was time to cut it. "You can add, subtract, multiply, divide, read, and write...that's better than you realize." Natsuki knew this was going to come up, but she'd been hoping it would be after Aki gave it one more honest try. "There are countless people in this world that will never have those things...never...because they either don't care, or the people that should care don't know enough about it themselves." It was the one thing that pissed Natsuki off the most. "Schools are made to teach, but they're also made to conform the student body as an entirety...Aki, you don't have to fit that mold to be successful in your life. You think you do, because that's what they've told you. I'm telling you that's not true."
"Then tell me what is?" The imploring gaze was asking for something, a reprieve of sorts. "Look at me, what have I got to show for any effort?" Aki wanted to become undone from all that she had ever been within the eyes of her peers, she needed to do it, as if it owned her very breath. "I've tried to do better in school, and it didn't work." That, was also true, Aki was more or less, a victim of the slander...she was not daft, and understood the world better than many would ever give her the credit for. "But I'm not like you and Nao, either."
"You may not be like us...not in the extreme that you believe." However, if there was any indication that Aki had grown up with the same goals in mind, the same sights not so far away, it would have to be the negative qualities many took for granted. "Still there are other ways to get by." The head on defiance that many would scold Aki for, would be likely the one thing that would save her, when nothing else would pan out. "Education is one of the most popular, though in truth, you can have as many degrees that you want. If you can't apply them, they're good for nothing."
Life skills were another, streets smarts came natural for both of the twins. "Most of your classmates will hit the real world, and find out everything they studied, was the wrong things. A person with knowledge and experience will go much further than any graduate ever could." Natsuki had wanted it that way, so that if the twins ever ran away for any length of time, they would be okay. Both together, or apart. "It's up to you to decide what your time is worth, if studying hard is worth it to you, keep it up. If you want to go out and find a job, that's just fine."
"You make it sound so easy." Yet Aki wasn't sure if that was the case.
"No, I make it sound like it's your choice...things will come to you, if you give it time." Natsuki finally sighed, the night sky really was beautiful. "Not everything works out perfectly, but it does work somehow."
…
(Natsuki POV)
The problem with Aki isn't actually a problem at all...you could say that it is, but you'd be avoiding the real issue.
I may be many things in my life...but I'm not a pushover, and neither are my children. There are a few times I've heard people talk behind my back, saying the way I raise my kids aren't conventional, that it's down right wrong on many levels. It could be true, but if it is, I don't particularly care. I know my kids can give people hell, they can send the fire right back at someone, if they really needed to do it. They're smart, both on the streets, and in the books if they take the time to try...there isn't a thing in the world that's wrong with them.
Yes I know, that's a pretty snooty way to look at things.
As if the shit I wade in nearly every day, doesn't reek of foul play. The fact of the matter is, I just don't care. You have to let yourself become jaded as an adult. You have to forget half of the things childhood taught you...when you do that, the magic's gone. Once you've lost that, you become a person so nailed to the ground, things like hope, and impossibility are things you can't believe in. There's a difference between a hopeful reality, and being out of your mind.
It isn't my fault if the community in which I live is more worried about my life then their own. I can't help the whispers, I can't stop the finger pointing. I can only pity the bigoted idiot that tries to tell me I've no idea what I'm doing. I'm well aware I don't have a husband, and being a single mother is a bit difficult, but it is far from impossible. It's people who point out every single fault I have, that fail to understand their own families. In their mind, everything is flawless...but where's their stability? Surely if they have the time to point at my life, and the life of my kids, they have more productive things to be doing.
The problem is, most of the world in this day and age fails to understand that.
Hell would freeze over if someone actually took the time to deal with their own lives first, instead of the newest gossip, or the 'bad family" down the street. The heavens would likely implode if the community in which I lived took their meals in thankfulness for the fact that there's actually fresh food on the table, instead of how it might taste. The real problem with the world is, there people who are under educated, with no means to grasp a hold of such a thing...due to that, they don't value learning, and they lack social graces. Food stamps and welfare become a way of life...making babies to feed the mouths of the children who are already hungry. When that is all you've been raised to know and accept, you will repeat such a twisted foundation for many years to come.
On the other side of the fence, you have the people who are well educated, but lack the true agony of this world. They understand nothing of starvation or how to get by with yen instead of notes. Paper money flows into a checking account, and they spend frivolously, throwing away the things I used to survive on, purely because it means little to them. These people of the upper class may work hard, but one must always wonder what values their teaching the youth, and what face they put on in front of others.
Perhaps I'm lucky...an unfortunate lifestyle at first glance, gave me a firm grasp on the world in which I live, and the communities within that world. I don't condone what goes on for either side of the extremest situations. Still at the same time, I can't help but feel as if living such blurred lines, is what has given me my success in everything that I do, and will give the twins their chance to do the same.
I can humor ever teacher that calls the house, telling me about how my daughter is blowing off her school work. I know the truth. I see her struggles, I'm the one explaining the chemistry formulas out of my ass, because the teachers have given up on her. They're the ones who need help, not Aki. In my eyes, the harder the student, the more promising the challenge. If a teacher fails to give my kid a passing grade, that's on their shoulders, not mine. I'm the one teaching them, my failures will shape them, and my successes will prove there is always worth to be had, even in an individual such as myself.
It's up to the individual to decide where they stand...and I remain hopeful.
My kids will do the same, even when they fall. I know that because I've raised them to do so. Now I've gotta stand back a little, but, even when I do, I'm right there, I'm still behind them. Before I used to defend them, and fight their battles for them. Now, I wait for the invitation. That's the only difference between back then, and now. I can't coddle Aki...I can't always protect Kane...they know that. I know it too, even though I hate it. Life isn't conventional, it isn't perfect, it isn't even predictable...but it is one thing.
It's mine to live...Aki and Kane have their own, to do with it as they see fit...not even I have the right to take mere choices, good or bad, away from them.