ISITWRITTEN: For those of you who've never heard the Boosh radio series, I strongly suggest looking that shit up, cause I've littered allusions to it throughout this entire fic, and this chapter is basically just a big dedication to it. And personally the radio show will always be my favorite. That thing never fails to make my sides ache.

Chapter 32

"Alright, zoo announcement, ladies and gentlemen. Be quiet!"

Everyone was gathered outside the front of the Main Office building, and Howard was just glad Fossil hadn't ordered them all into his office like the last times. Howard noticed that Mrs. Gideon seemed upset as she stood off to the side, speaking quietly with two other keepers, but Bob's rising voice kept him where he stood.

"Now, I know we all remember that sad sad occasion when our dear marmosets disappeared. Remember how we all searched the zoo for hours to try and find them? Well, get ready to do that again, cause one of our snakes is missin'. Yeah, Mr Rogers the cobra. Yep, missing. Go look for him."

With that the blue-shirted man turned and walked into the building, leaving everyone to talk amongst themselves, a few looking around themselves quite nervously. A loose snake was something to get worried about. After a few minutes everyone reluctantly spread out in small groups, rooting through exhibits and peering cautiously into bushes. Thankfully Vince didn't try scrambling up any trees this time. Apparently he still remembered how easily Howard could snatch him off his feet.

The search went on for hours, and eventually Fossil's voice droned over the loudspeakers, announcing for everyone to get to their posts, and that he was officially assigning a keeper to patrol duty every night starting the next day. Howard could hear various curses and shouts of outrage all across the zoo. People still recalled the dreaded guard duty with Graham last winter, and it seemed this winter would be just as bad.

Five nights in and Howard was getting called to Fossil's office. He knew why; every poor keeper assigned to patrol up and down the zoo at night was told by Bob himself in his office. Why the man didn't just announce it over the intercom like he did before Howard wasn't sure.

"Alright, Moon, it's your night. So soon as those gates lock up I want you and Noir walkin' around all night, got it?"

It took Howard a second to nod mutely to Fossil, who then waved him from the room. Him and Vince? But...only one person was assigned to duty. Then again, he and Vince were a bit like one person. Maybe Fossil saw it that way. He always lumped them in together when it came to things like this. Ah well, who was Howard to complain? At least he wouldn't be alone. And that meant neither would Vince be when his turn came. The Zooniverse was awfully spooky when it got dark.

"Vince! Seriously, the zoo's closed, it's time to go now!"

Howard pulled on his coat, looking with disdain over at the boy who was currently staring at their new television. Colobus was playing, and while Howard had prepared for their long night ahead, Vince had just silently watched his favorite show.

With a frown, Howard walked over to the tv and turned it off, bracing himself against the outraged cries of the kid as he reached down and pulled the boy up, shepherding the complaining teen over to the coat rack.

"Aw come on, Howard! Why do we have to go on nightwatch? Can't we just stay here and not go?"

Secretly Howard was incredibly pleased. These past several days the boy had become much like his usual self. The introverted Vince of the last few weeks seemed to have vanished after the Bollo incident. Now the kid was back in all his mouthy glory; and though he was currently on Howard's last nerve, the man was glad for it.

While the boy threw complaints and excuses left and right, Howard made him put on his own black furry coat and red boots, as well as the white scarf he'd grown fond of. The nights were becoming freezing much faster than last year, and Howard wanted to avoid either of them catching a cold.

An hour into their patrol and Vince had finally gone quiet. He'd complained incessantly as they moved between exhibits until Howard grit his teeth and told Vince that if there was someone stealing animals they'd've heard his loud mouth by then.

Howard couldn't really blame the kid; he was desperately fighting boredom himself. Fossil had given Howard an electrical baton to carry throughout their shift, just in case. Howard twirled it in his hand, feeling dreadfully tired.

They passed by the front gates for the third time, and Vince once again called out to Graham, who smiled and waved at him, and who once again asked who Howard was, and that guests weren't allowed to stay in the zoo overnight. Vince seemed to think Graham was joking, laughing every time. But by the third round the boy was looking up at Howard in confusion.

"Why's he keep sayin' that?"

"Why do you think? The man's daft; doesn't remember who I am."

"What, like ever? How's that even possible?"

Howard sighed, voice reflecting his exhaustion.

"Look, Vince, he's been that way since I first started working here, alright? He never recognises me, and I honestly don't know if he's got brain damage, or if it's just one long-winded joke."

Vince laughed for a good minute at this new information, grin on his face as he began speaking once more.

"How does someone not recognise a person they see every single day!? Mind you, you are a bit generic-looking, but still-"

"Generic-looking? What d'you mean?"

"Like facially, you're a bit generic-looking."

"Facially generic-looking?"

"Well I don't mean that in a bad way! It's- I'm sure its got its advantages; I mean, I wouldn't know, I'm quite striking."

Howard shook his head at the practically smug grin overcoming the boy's features.

"You're so vain, Vince. You know there's more to life than just looks. You're always preening yourself. Are you aware of the myth of Narcissus?"

"That bloke what used to look in lakes?"

"And then he fell in one and drowned."

"Yeah, well we got mirrors now."

"Well you can fall into mirrors."

"Wot? No you can't!"

"Yes you can."

Howard smiled victoriously as the teenager went silent beside him, looking down at the ground as his mind buzzed. Howard could see him mentally processing the idea of people falling into mirrors. That's exactly why Howard had said it. True, he'd probably regret it tomorrow when the boy refused to shut up about it, but for now the blissful quiet as the kid's mind whirred was breathtaking.

They circled the zoo endlessly that entire night, and as Fossil and a few keepers arrived, Howard fought hard not to just crawl underneath his duvet. He slipped into new clothes and donned his keeper jacket, still feeling chilled from the night air. Vince did collapse face down on the sofa, and Howard had to literally pick him up and force him to stand by the door to pull on his own jacket and shoes.

The boy did all this with a scowl on his face and his eyes shut, and Howard was sympathetic enough not to push him out the door as he opened it. The boy seemed to wake up a bit as the sun rose, and Howard walked him to his station, warning him about falling asleep against the marsupial cages.

Not ten minutes into his work, Howard heard Fossil call for him and the boy over the loudspeakers, and groaned as he trudged toward the office building. This could only be bad news. He met the kid outside the front door, and they shuffled slowly into Fossil's office, where the man sat, looking quite frustrated.

"Sit down you two, we need to talk. Hey watch my lunch pail! Now, we got a problem..."

"Wot?"

That one syllable was peppered with Vince's sour mood, and Howard inwardly winced, just wanting this meeting done with. He really didn't favor having a fight on his hands.

"First of all, what the hell were you two doing on nightwatch? Lookin' at your ass?"

"We were there, watching stuff."

Howard's answer came out mumbled, the wording ineloquent, and he chalked it up to being awake and walking all night. Fossil's voice rose as he continued talking.

"Well, somethin' happened. Some weirdo creep-ass broke into the zoo last night; he struck again! You two were probably watchin' your brains leak, because he struck. Again! We lost some animals!"

"Who did we lose?"

"We lost two ocelots."

Vince was now sitting straight. He quite liked helping to feed the little felines, even though they weren't his to care for.

"No way, not Marcus!"

"No, Marcus was in the back, he was chasing his own heiny. Now I've been thinking about this long and hard, and I've come up with a solution. We hire a chopper!"

"Yeah!"

Howard, who'd been drifting off a bit, snapped awake at Fossil's lunatic plan as well as Vince's enthusiastic agreement.

"Yeah, we fly it around the zoo all night. We get some guns. Some flashing lights. This guy shows his face, he's history!"

"That'll be brilliant! Can I ride shotgun?"

This madness had gone on long enough. Howard now leant forward in his seat, voice rising over the other twos'.

"Excuse me, hello! What are you two doing?"

"Why are you speaking?"

"What are you two- this is a small underfunded zoo!"

"Chopper."

"No, look, this isn't Platoon! This is a small, underfunded zoo, okay?"

Fossil then proceeded to throw one hell of a hissy fit, Vince tried to play referee, and Howard stormed tiredly from the room, knowing that despite their ramblings there was no way on earth those two could actually purchase and pilot a helicopter.

While it was true Fossil and Vince couldn't afford an actual helicopter. They did disappear from the zoo, returning around lunch hour with bags full of torches, strobe lights and fireworks. Fossil told Howard shortly that he and Vince were taking patrol duty that night, and the man sighed in defeat as he realised this meant he'd have to stay awake as well, if only to keep those two maniacs from starting a fire.

As darkness settled over the sky and everyone began to leave, Howard stood outside the Lodge, watching from a distance as Fossil and Vince ranted and raved, donned in shoddy army gear and facepaint. Seriously, those two were taking this way too far. It was surprising to Howard how quickly they had gone from practically hating each other to teaming up, but then again the man supposed it was their dual insanity that finally bonded them. Or something like that. Hell, how did he ever end up in a situation like this, trailing after a pair of lunatics in the middle of a zoo at night? He only hoped Fossil didn't go into some sort of 'army day flashback', or there might be real trouble.

Those two were not at all quiet as they 'stealthily' moved through the pathways, looking around corners and aiming torches into animals' cages, waking them rudely. Reaching the zoo gates, Bob had Graham open the gate so they could have a peek outside, asking the guard if he'd seen any suspicious activity. The man spoke dully of hearing some sounds off to the right, and with a mighty "HIS ASS IS MINE!" Fossil and Vince dashed off into the shadows.

Howard didn't even bother chasing after them, instead coming to stand just outside the gate beside Graham. Sure enough, loud sparks and pops sounded off yards away as Vince and Fossil began lighting various fireworks into the night. Howard officially deemed this a new low in his zookeeping career. He put his hands on his hips, shaking his head and speaking aloud to Graham.

"Good god, look at them. What do they think they're trying to achieve? It's just, they'll never catch anyone this way!"

"I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to discuss zoo policy with members of the public. As the zoo is closed, now-"

Howard's eyes closed in utter defeat. He was honestly reaching a line with this fucking man.

"Graham, don't. It's me."

"Who're you?"

"Graham-"

"Don't call me Graham if you don't know who I am-"

"Don't do this to me again."

"Don't do this to me, sir. Because I had a woman this morning, she was doing the same thing. She was sat there-"

"That was me!"

"That was not you."

"That was me."

"Was that you?"

"Jus- stop it."

"Why're you dressed as a woman?"

"...Are you high?"

"I'm just doing me job!"

"Please, please stop doing this, okay-"

The two began speaking over each other, voices rising as both completely forgot about Vince and Fossils' night excursion.

"No, listen, sir. Sir? Sir? Sir? Shut it."

"Don't. Don't. Just don't. Don't do it."

Now Graham's stance changed, and he held up his little baton, eyeing Howard with brows raised.

"If you don't leave, I'll be forced to apply the electrical baton."

"Yeah? What, an electrical baton like this one?"

Howard gave a challenging head-tilt as he raised his own weapon, giving the thing a jolt to show Graham it was real. The man gave a short, fluttering laugh.

"Oh, I see, I see what's happening."

"Yeah, you're gonna make me use this thing."

"Yeah, get the big electrical baton out!"

"Well I'm gonna wield something."

"Well let's see what you've got then, come on then ya tit!"

Howard and Graham dove at each other, jabbing at the others' sides and legs. Howard admired the man's ability to take a shock, but he had nearly nine year's determination on his side, and quickly overcame the shorter man. Howard stood victoriously over the fallen guard, having flung the man's baton as far as he could. But Howard was far from done. Years of pent-up frustration was rearing its head tonight, and Howard just let go, reveling in the sound of the distant fireworks and Vince and Fossils' war cries.

"Now what's my name again, hmm? C'mon, you know it."

Graham looked up at him with a hint of fear now in his eyes as he lay on the ground.

"Listen, sir, I don't have any money on me, but-"

Now that did it. Without a second thought Howard was jabbing the baton down onto Graham's stomach, causing the man to shriek and twist away.

"There ya go!"

"OW! That hurt!"

"Say my name. Say. My. Name!"

"I don't know it!"

"Howard."

"Howard! Howard!"

"Yeah that's the first part; second part, you're on your own. Come on, what is it?"

"Ow. I don't know."

"What is it?"

"I don't know!"

"You do know it, it's a planet."

"Jupiter!"

"Smaller planet."

"Jup-"

"Smaller planet!"

"I don't know!"

"Rhymes with spoon."

"Fork!"

Howard groaned at the idiocy and proceeded to jab Graham a couple more times.

"OW! MOON! Moon moon moon moon!"

"Yes that's it, Howard Moon!"

"Howard Moon!"

"Howard T.J. Moon."

"Howard T.J. Moon!"

"You won't forget my name now will you!?"

"Howard...T.J...Moon."

"YEAH!"

Howard jabbed the man one more time, and Graham went limp. Apparently the body can only take so many jabs with an electrical baton before it just gives out. Checking quickly that the guy wasn't dead, Howard considered it a night, and immediately strolled back to the Lodge. Vince and Fossil would be alright. At the worst they'd get the people who lived within hearing range of the zoo upset.

Howard went straight to bed that night, and fell asleep with an intense feeling of satisfaction that he hadn't possessed in a long time.