Choices chapter 14
"Honey, they're growing up. You can't watch over them every minute of the day. You have to let them make their own decisions." Guthrie heard Hannah say. He had slipped downstairs and overheard Hannah and Adam talking in the kitchen. He paused, suddenly afraid to have his conversation with Adam.
Guthrie had felt a renewed determination to confess everything to his eldest brother, after his brief conversation with Daniel.
Hearing Adam's voice though, had once again caused the fear and anxiety to surface again. He stopped and continued to listen quietly to their conversation.
"I know Hannah. I try, really I do. I've just been responsible for them all for so long." Adam replied, sounding exasperated.
"Yes, but Brian, Crane and Daniel are grown. Evan's only got a month left of his senior year. He could be out on the rodeo circuit before we know it. You need to realize that they have their own lives to live." Hannah said softly.
"So, how do I do that? Huh? How do I just turn them loose on the world and not worry?" Adam asked.
"We are always gonna worry, but... it's what all parents have to do, Adam. We have to let them grow up. Daniel is trying to do his music and fulfill his responsibilities here on the ranch. Other than square dances and the county fair, those bars are his only chance to play his music around here. It wasn't really fair of you to go off on him like that." Hannah said.
"I know that. It's just... when I saw him standing there bleeding, I just lost it. I hadn't even had the chance to process Eddie's accident. I was thinking how lucky we were that it wasn't Guthrie laid up in that hospital... or worse and I turned around and there was Daniel banged up. They just don't know how scared I am. I cannot bury another member of this family, Hannah, I just can't!" Adam said, banging his fist down on the table. "I almost lost my mind last year. Going through it all I kept remembering how alone I felt when mom and dad were killed. I felt it all over again when those boys were trapped in that mine. It looked hopeless, and I couldn't do anything to save them. Tom was basically telling us there was no hope of getting them out in time... Hannah, that was more than I could handle. Then, I had all of five minutes to feel some relief for having them out and then Daniel collapsed... It was just too much. I cannot go through anything like that again." He said with a trembling voice.
"It's okay Adam. I understand how you feel, but you can't keep bad things from happening and you know it." Hannah said, wrapping her arms around Adam's shoulders and kissing him softly on the neck.
"Yeah, but after last year... not to mention our parents... I just always expect the worst." Adam said, his voice hitching. "It's impossible to watch over them every minute of the day, but now Guthrie is rebelling. Running off where ever he pleases, not checking in. If something happens to him, I'll never forgive myself."
Guthrie felt tears welling up. He hated to be the cause of Adam's worry. This is not at all what he intended. He just wanted to gain some respect from his brothers, but instead he had caused each of them heartache.
Guthrie quietly stepped into the kitchen. "Adam? I need to talk to you." Guthrie said, surprised at how small his own voice sounded. "Hannah, you too.
Adam sat stoically, eyeing his baby brother with much trepidition. Hannah was looking at Guthrie with compassion. He knew she loved him and he knew he had let her down.
"Guthrie, I wanted to sleep on things before we talk. It's been such a long day." Adam offered.
"No, Adam. I need to talk to you both tonight, if it's okay." Guthrie said, desparation clear in his voice.
"Alright. Have a seat. Guthrie sat down at the table. Adam was next to him and Hannah directly across the table.
"We're all ears Guthrie." Hannah offered sweetly.
"Well, first of all. I overheard what you were just saying to Hannah, Adam. I'm sorry to eavesdrop... but I just couldn't help it." Guthrie admitted.
"That's okay. So, what is it that you want to say?" Adam asked, taking a sip of his coffee.
"I'm really sorry that I didn't tell the truth today. Daniel told me to tell you everything about the creek. I promised him that I would, but then I got mad at you because I felt like you weren't really hearing me." Guthrie offered.
"I was hearing you Guthrie, but you are only thirteen and you have to obey me. I know that it doesn't seem fair to have so many people telling you what to do, but it's the way this family works." Adam said.
"I know. I've been trying to tell you all how I feel, I just don't know how to say it. I just feel like I'm not treated like an equal part of this family. Nobody ever listens to me. This is my ranch too, but the rest of you treat me like I don't matter. But, today I realize that I do matter. You all are just trying to protect me because you care about me so much." Guthrie said with tears in his eyes.
"I'm glad you know that now. You see Guthrie, we just want more for you. We want you to be a kid and not worry about our problems until you have too. At your age, you should be having fun. You should be thinking about your schooling and dreaming about what you want to be when you do grow up. None of us want you to have to grow up too soon. We all want better for you." Adam explained, his voice noticeably hitching.
"Guthrie, Adam's right. We want you to have as normal a childhood as you can. We want you to want that for yourself. But, you are right about one thing. You're not a child. You're growing up fast. My personal wish for you is to have the opportunity to hold on to these young years. They really should be the best time of your life." Hannah explained, reaching over the table to take Guthrie's hand in hers. "I love you. You are my brother. Actually, you are more than my brother. You are like a son to me. You are smart, handsome and talented. You can be anything you want to be."
"Thank you Hannah. All I want is to be a rancher... Like you, Adam. I want to be just like you." Guthrie said, eyes pleading to Adam for understanding.
"I'm flattered, but I want you to be better than me. I've made some big mistakes, Guth. With all of you. I realize now that I've been too overprotective lately. I promise to work on that. But kiddo, I love you more than you can ever know. I'm trying to bring you up with a good set of values. But, I promise that if you respect my rules, I will work really hard to return that respect. The fact is, you are not a little kid anymore and it's hard for me to see you as anything else." Adam said, his voice still full of emotion. Guthrie thought he could even see moisture in Adam's eyes.
"I understand. Adam, I promise that I won't lie to you anymore. I will follow your rules. Adam, I know you didn't have to be my dad, but you have been a really good one. I want you to know that I appreciate it. I'm gonna try really hard to earn back your respect and to make you proud of me." Guthrie said, a lone tear escaping and spilling down his cheek.
Adam, overwrought with emotion, reached over and pulled Guthrie into a big hug.
"Boy, don't you know that I already am proud of you? So very proud. You are going to make a hell of a good man one day." Adam whispered into Guthrie's ear.
"If I do, I have you and Hannah... and all my other brothers to thank for it." Guthrie cried. "I love you Adam. I love you so, so much. You too Hannah." Guthrie said, releasing Adam to walk over to hug a very tearful Hannah.
"I love you too, Guthrie. So very much and I am proud of you too." Hannah said, smoothing Guthrie's hair as she embraced him.
"I apologized to Evan and Daniel earlier." Guthrie said, pulling away from Hannah and wiping his tears on his sleeve.
"Good man." Adam said. "Listen, it's been a long day and we all need to get some shut eye. You're still grounded, but Hannah and me are gonna go to the hospital tomorrow to see Eddie if you would like to go with us." Adam offered, patting Guthrie on the shoulder.
"Thank you, Adam. I really do want to go see him. I'm gonna go to bed now." Guthrie offered. "I'm gonna do Daniel's morning chores, after I do my own so I need to get my rest."
"I appreciate that, Guth. I know he will too. Goodnight boy. I love you." Adam said.
"Goodnight. I love y'all." Guthrie said, his heart feeling better than it had in a long, long while.
"Goodnight Guthrie." Hannah said, smiling.
After Guthrie left the kitchen, Adam sat staring into space.
"Penny for your thoughts." Hannah said with a smile.
"I was just thinking about how much he's grown up in just a day." Adam explained.
"He's been growing up on us for a while, we were just forced to see it today." Hannah said.
"I guess I have to let him grow up. Guess I have to let them all grow up." Adam said with a tired sigh.
"Yes, because if you don't, you won't have time to raise our kids." Hannah said mischieviously.
"You're not trying to tell me something, are you Hannah?" Adam said, suddenly full of animation.
"Not exactly. But I wouldn't mind trying for it soon." Hannah smiled.
"No time like the present!" Adam said and playfully picked her up. "Let's go get started!" He laughed.
"Okay, okay." Hannah laughed. "Just promise me that you'll make a girl? There's too much testosterone in this house already." She said giggling as she tilted her head upwards to plant a kiss on his lips.
"You gotta deal, girl!" He laughed, carrying her through the living room and up the stairs.