The Discworld Tarot
The Six of Swords part two
The best one in the Swords. It stands for concepts like realisation, breakthrough, collaborative work with gainful results, intellectual success, graduation as a student, writing and publishing a book…. So how can I bring all these things together.
Hmm. After the last chapter (Page/Princess of Wands) , reviews and PM's asked for more of the next generation of Assassins. And more of the older Bekki Smith-Rhodes-Stibbons. Part One focused more on the next generation of student Assassins represented by Mariella Smith-Rhodes and those in her orbit. Sorry, but it evolved that way. Let us revisit two budding young authoresses…
Thinking about it, this one might also illustrate the Eight of Wands, the application of overwhelming force in just the right place to force a breakthrough (among other things).
Here it is, anyway. Happy Hogswatch! (2016)
Leonora The Explorer had been a huge hit with its target audience. The children wanted more, and were entranced with the pictures. Nigella had taken the precaution of taking iconographs of her original art and getting it laminated against toddler fingers.
And now Rupert had arranged, via Arabella, to get the book professionally assessed by Goatbergers. Who wanted to publish. Mariella and Nigella, though, were not happy with the contract, such as it was, that had been offered. Negotiations had stalled and deadlines for printing in time for Hogswatch were near. Mariella took a deep breath, and came clean to her sister. Johanna might help. If she dropped by at Goatbergers and took over contract negotiation. Mariella felt her sister could get her more than fifteen dollars, a complimentary copy of the book, and a courtesy box of chocolates.
Now read on…
Arabella Pinchpipe-Eorle took a deep breath. She wasn't stupid, despite the handicap of birth that had made her mother a member of a minor branch of the noble Eorle family. Related enough for it to count, she could carry the Eorle name but could not claim nobility herself, over and above a courtesy "The Honourable Miss…" Besides, she'd spent four years at the Assassins' Guild School, there for the general education but not for the Black. She assessed two of the women standing in front of her as having been pupils and peers alongside her, albeit in higher years. But they were now fully graduate Assassins and both wore black with the distinguishing purple of a Guild School teacher. The third wore khaki, rather than black. And she had taught Arabella, and was even scarier.
"Of course I'll see Mr Goatberger is made aware you're here." she said. "To discuss issues arising from publication of the childrens' story book Leonora The Explorer. But you do realise he's issued instructions that he's not to be disturbed?"
"Not even to speak to his authors?" Johanna Smith-Rhodes said, indicating Mariella and Nigella, who stepped forward.
Arabella put on an expression that said, in as many words, that she understood and still had a loyalty to a Guild of which she was pleased to be an associate member, as well as to her old school.
"I suppose I can't stop you going up." she said, loudly. Her voice had undertones of "I know I'm not going to able to stop you and I won't even try, but please, when you're gone, I still have to work here."
She stepped aside and nodded to the stairs leading to her boss's private office. Stepping aside spoke volumes. Johanna smiled and patted her old pupil's shoulder, indicating she was aware of the diplomatic niceities.
"Thenk you, Miss Pinchpipe-Eorle." she said. "I remember you es a diligent end bright pupil."
"I should advise you he's employed security…"
"We know." Johanna assured her. She nodded to Miss Jocasta Wiggs, who leant on the handle of the sledgehammer and smiled happily.
"Is dere a problem here, Miss Arabella?"
The troll suddenly loomed. Arabella introduced him to the visitors.
"This is Mr Ashlar, our new Associate Editor responsible for security…"
"Dat right!" boomed the troll.
Johanna Smith-Rhodes smiled at him.
"You can perheps take the messege to Mr Goatberger thet his latest authors, end their representatives, would like to speak to him?" she said, in a reasonable tone of voice.
The troll lumbered upright and looked down at Johanna from a far greater height. And width. Unmoved, Johanna folded her arms and looked up, meeting his eyes. Her two senior colleagues did not move, but suddenly looked more attentive. The troll failed to register this.
"No." he said. Not a chance. Mr Goatberger, he ain't seein' nobody!"
Johanna smiled, briefly.
"I cen see we hev, possibly, a failure to communicate here." she said. Without turning, she said, in her classroom voice.
"Miss Wiggs. I believe Madame Deux-Epées was pleased to lecture you in certain skills a day or two ego. You will now show how well you ebsorbed her lesson."
Johanna kept the troll's eyes. Neurons appeared to be firing here, in a belated sort of way, as to what a group of women dressed largely in black represented. He responded too late to Nigella Wiggs running round behind him, pulling something from her belt. He also registered the way Miss Jocasta Wiggs was lifting what he recognised as a sledgehammer. Sledgehammers were bad news to trolls. As he tried to step forward to intercept the woman with the weapon, he felt the smaller human female leaping onto his back. He tried to dislodge her, then heard her voice, in his ear, saying
"I'm on your back and holding on. In my right hand, I'm holding a small toffee-hammer. Of the sort you'd use to break up really hard praline or stubborn nuts. Miss Sanderson-Reeves taught me how to use it in Domestic Science. It was really interesting! And just here in the back of your neck is a spot. Madame Deux-Epées explained where to find it and what it means. The toffee hammer I'm holding isn't big. But it doesn't need to be."
The troll suddenly went very, very, still.
"And the sledgehammer Miss Wiggs is holding couldn't actually kill a troll. Not unless she hit the right place. But it can still break your legs."
Jocasta Wiggs hefted the hammer and took a practice swing. An easy and confident practice swing.
"You is Assassins." the troll said. Johanna and the others nodded.
"But you is a student. I hears as how you is not allowed to kill people. Dat strictly forbidden."
Nigella considered this. Then she tapped the hammer, very, very, gently, against the Spot. The troll shuddered. She hung on to its ear with her left hand.
"I can still inconvenience you." she said. "And I know about the Concordat clause that says students are strictly not allowed to inhume. They taught it to us. But the thing is, Mr Ashlar, the thing I'd like you to consider, is that the Concordat was largely written a long time ago. It needs updating to reflect today's realities. The wording is something like no student Assassin may take a contract involving the inhumation, for money, of a man or woman. It says nothing about trolls, as when it was written, the Guild only accepted contracts on human people and there weren't any trolls in Ankh-Morpork. So the way I see it…"
She gently tapped the Spot again. The troll flinched. It looked towards the door to the street. It regarded the Assassins. Then it fled. Nigella leapt down from its back as it raced for the door, the others courteously standing aside to let it go. There was the receding sound of running troll feet.
Arabella smiled.
"We never seem to be able to retain trolls for very long." she remarked. "Security here can be hazardous."
Nigella basked briefly in the unconditional approval of her teachers. Then the third member of teaching staff in the room drawled, in an Acerian accent:
"Well, I guess we need to go on up and see Mr Goatberger. Coming, you guys?"
The Assassin party moved upstairs, Arabella tagging on behind.
They found Goatberger and Cropper in conference. Both then went very still, registering that the office was now uncomfortably full of Assassins. Mr Cropper shuddered. This was going to be as bad as the visit from the Lancre witches. Maybe worse. The Lancre witches generally let people live. These were Assassins.
"Good morning!" Johanna Smith-Rhodes said, cheerfully. "We'd like to telk to you. Concerning a book publishing deal."
"How did you get past the troll?" Goatberger demanded. Cropper winced. That had been his opening line when the terrible witches had turned up. It induced a sensation of deja-vu in Mr Cropper.
Miss Jocasta Wiggs smiled and lifted the sledgehammer.
"I did a post-graduate course in Dwarf Fighting Skills." she explained. "You know we've got Dwarf teachers at the Guild School now? It was really interesting!"
Johanna smiled again.
"It is really very straightforward." she said. "Miss Mariella Smith-Rhodes and Miss Nigella Wiggs here have written a book. It was submitted to you for consideration via Miss Pinchpipe-Eorle. You ere prepared to publish, subject to agreeing a fair contract with the authors. We are here to assist in thet contract negotiation. You may view us as their literary agents."
Johanna sat, unasked, in the chair facing the desk. She smiled benignly.
"but there's nothing to negotiate!" Goatberger said, trying to project firmness. "We made the authors, and may I say it is a very imaginative and exciting work, as they are your pupils they should be congratulated, starred A's in Literature and Creative Writing, I imagine, ha ha… anyway, we made them a very fair and generous offer in exchange for the publishing rights…"
He tailed off, looking into three unsmiling faces. Mariella and Nigella exchanged a brief smile.
"Which, under eccepted Morporkian law, is a contract which cennot be legally binding." Johanna said. "Es both authors are well under the eccepted age of majority of eighteen years old, eny such contract must be agreed with legally empowered edult representatives. Parents, preferably, or else their appointed guardians. Their parents ere not present. But, es teachers et the Essessins' Guild School, we stand in loco parentis. I em the legally eppointed guardian to my younger sister, Miss Mariella Smith-Rhodes. Therefore you discuss the contract with me."
She nodded to the others.
"Miss Nigella Wiggs is my cousin." Jocasta Wiggs said. "I'm sure we can discuss the legal niceities with lawyers present, but I'm pretty sure I can speak for her on behalf of the Wiggs family."
Jocasta took another experimental swing with the sledgehammer.
"My colleague Miss Bjorksdottir was really thorough in her teaching." she remarked. "All the things you can do with a mattock. And this is as near as. Human application of the same weapon, although used for beneficial purposes in building and civil engineering. Most of the time."
The sledgehammer was swinging perilously near to office furniture, Mr Cropper noted, as the third adult Assassin stepped out.
"I should introduce myself." she said, in an Acerian accent, tinged with something of Quirm. Cropper know Acerians were homely, simple people with a refreshingly direct and blunt approach. Somehow, this was not comforting.
"My name's Antoinette de Badin-Boucher." she said. "These two guys…" she indicated Mariella and Nigella "are resident students in Black Widow House. I look after them as housemistress, and while they can and do give me a whole bunch of hassle, I kinda like them. And I'm legally responsible for their welfare too. So if you intend to short-change them on a deal for their book, that kind of concerns me, buddy. I don't like that too much."
"It concerns the Guild too." Johanna said. "the Guild of Essessins does not like to see its members swindled, bilked or cheated in business dealings. Ell students are automatically Essociate Members of the Guild from the very moment they walk in through the gates. We therefore hev a very clear duty of care to our students."
She smiled at Goatberger.
"but I em certain we can errive et a fair egreement, in this office, without our heving to present a report expressing our concerns to the Dark Council. Elso, it occurs to me thet Goatberger end Cropper publish some meteriel on our behalf, under the Essessins' Guild Press imprint. Thet is up for review soon. We now hev the elternative of the Unseen University Press to consider. My husband showed me their set-up. I was most impressed, end reported favourably to the Dark Council!"
"But we made a most fair offer!" Goatberger insisted. "In exchange for publishing rights we offered the young ladies fifteen dollars each, a souvenir copy of the book, absolutely gratis, that they can be proud of, to celebrate their achievement, and as Hogswatch is coming up, a present of a box of Higgs and Meakins' finest chocolates…"
He tailed off as Johanna shook her head. Jocasta and Antoinette looked meaningfully at him.
"Higgs end Meakins? I think not. Weinrich end Boettcher, or nothing." Johanna said.
Goatberger perked up. Could he get away with it so cheaply? This book was worth thousands…
"But first, we discuss percentages. For both text end illustrations. Copyright in the book resides with the authors. They are not tied to a deal binding them to this publishing house. Translation rights, end control of edeptations into other languages, to remain with the authors. I know people who might consider a Vondalaans text, for instance. End Mademoiselle de Badin-Boucher thinks a translation would work in Quirmian Eceria. They retain freedom to write eny future books for, perheps, the Unseen University Press. Who would be pleased to take this one if negotiations fail today."
Goatberger crumbled. At the end of negotiations, Johanna looked to her two associates.
"Plus the boxes of chocolates." she said. Goatberger nodded, miserably.
"Two boxes of Weinrich and Boettcher." he conceded.
Johanna shook her head.
"No." she said. "Five boxes of Weinrich and Boettcher. Luxury Essortment."
"Five boxes?" Mr Cropper asked.
"Ja. Five. Do you think we literary agents ere working for nothing? We need a cut too!"
"Make that eight." Antoinette said, drily. "Fifty per cent Guild tax!"
And afterwards, Mariella sighed with resignation as Johanna said the royalties for the book would of course be paid to her, as next of kin. It would of course go into Mariella's trust fund, to be released to her on age eighteen or graduation as an Assassin. However, she, Johanna, was prepared to consider increasing Mariella's pocket money allowance in recognition of her achievement, maybe release two hundred dollars for her to spend on Hogswatch presents.
"Thank you." Mariella said. Her sister smiled.
"Ag, being Hanna de Slegt'Humeur has to count for something." she said, looking her sister in the eye. "And Ruth N'Kweze wants to talk to you. About that Zulu character. Rachel N'Bekoming, you named her? Ag. Possibly coincidental. And there's the disclaimer on the first page, about any resemblence to people living or dead being wholly coincidental."
"Hold that thought." Mariella said. Her sister smiled, the point having been made.
Mariella sighed. At least a fair contract had been agreed and the money would come to her. Eventually.
Notes Dump
Where random ideas go for isolation and study.