Being Gay in the 90s or Why Ivo Wears Jewelry and a Leather Jacket
When I first met Ivo I was probably more confused by the silver chain he wore than anything else. It seemed so completely not Ivo to me. The only jewelry I wore was my watch and my earring. Those would have made sense on Ivo. But a chain? I didn't get it. Fashion-wise, he was as much a dinosaur as the fossil rubbings on his wall.
And then I began to understand the culture that he had come from, how different his life had been to mine, he having some twenty years experience on me. Ivo had always been gay, had grown up frequenting bathrooms for sex. Most men of his generation didn't have "normal" relationships. Their lives were defined more by their secret sexual acts than anything else.
I remember after I first met him wondering if he would phone me. Men called women they wanted to date, but I wasn't sure if men called men. I was completely clueless as to what gay men did actually. I remember sitting by the phone hoping he would call. I even practiced a few times, imagining our light conversation that might lead to a dinner invitation. I wondered if I would play hard-to-get, like most girls. That would be difficult to pull off since I had kissed before I ever spoke a word to him.
He never called me.
And then I realized that he couldn't do that. He didn't know how to date. The most he could do was have me over to watch a movie and eat Chinese food before sex. But he would never walk with me, holding hands, or kiss me publicly. He never put his arm around me or introduced me as his boyfriend. That would only take place behind closed doors.
The chain, like his outdated leather jacket, was his way of identifying himself as an outsider, someone who did not belong to the mainstream. It was a quiet signal to other gay men that he was available. So of course once we had clearly established we were dating, I proposed he lose it as he was now taken and had no business frequenting bathrooms for sex. And in his very Ivo way, rather than conform to my expectations, he promptly went out and purchased a gold chain for me.