Chapter 31
As we walk, I can hardly be worried because my mind has jumped into overdrive, going through every possibility, every situation, anything and every thing that can be or could go wrong.
-More walkers? Someone was hurt? Something wrong with the horses? The barn?
I'm quickly becoming more and more frustrated as we walk on, and my brain continues with its relentless beating. I finally just look up to Glenn, who's been helping me to the barn,
"Glenn, this isn't fun. Just tell me." I say, hoping my serious voice could coax him into spilling.
"It's.. You just have to see.." He replies, looking to the ground with a guilty look.
I give a loud, exasperated sigh, "What have y'all done?!"
The question comes out a little more intensely than I thought it would, and I feel bad now. I can't blame him, it's Glenn, he wouldn't, couldn't, do anything to compromise the group. I just have to suck it up, and breathe. We're almost there, almost to the bottom of this mystery, and mixed feelings start coursing through me.
"Is it bad?" I ask gently, hoping I didn't make him with my blow up.
"I guess it just depends on how you see it.." He answers my question vaguely.
-On how I see it? How can I see anything any differently than they would? My mind muses on, and by the time we've reached the barn, a nervous sweat has broke through my skin and I've begun wringing my hands.
Glenn stops before opening the big door, looking back to me,
"Rose.. I'm behind you. We're all gonna be with you, no matter what.." He says, and I believe if his hands weren't on the door, he'd be wringing his too, "Just stay calm, OK? It's not a big deal.. Really.." He finishes, giving me a pleading look.
"OK, OK Glenn, just open it already." I say, in a hurry to see what he's rambling so oddly about.
The door swings open, and the first thing I see when my eyes adjust to the low light, is Daryl standing next to a still saddled Chenoa. His hand is moving across her neck, then he leans over, propping himself on her sturdy frame. No smirk, or smile, not even his usual expression resides on his handsome face now, it's one of worry and confusion. This only makes my own worry skyrocket as I keep looking at him, expecting some kind of answer but he just nods his head, pointing me to Rick's silhouette near the only unused stall.
I walk past him, and hear his and Glenn footsteps following me now. Rick looks up now, looking older than his age and tired enough for the both of us. Then he looks away, down to something ground level. Raven has been put in her stall, and she concentrates on me as I walk slowly by, and come to Rick's side.
My jaw drops, my breathing stops, hell, everything stops because sitting in the stall, hands tied, and head down is a women. A women, in my barn. A women that I've never seen. Another human being, tied up in my barn. I just can't seem to make my brain wrap around this fact, that it's a living and breathing person. I can feel the others eyes on me, like I should have an answer.
"Hey." I call out to the unknown person, "You gotta name?" I ask, staring at the dirty blonde hair hanging over her face.
She looks up now, and I'm taken aback from how striking her features are. Her hair is almost as long as mine, a lighter blonde than what I had first thought and eyes, a crystalline blue, setting off the fairness of her skin. She's beautiful, but I begin to notice the wear that's been settling into her face. The slightly hollowed cheeks, bloodshot eyes adorned with dark circles underneath, and her tattered clothes that barely seem to fit.
"Simone." She spits out, giving me an icy glare.
"Ok, Simone. How did you get here?" I ask, trying to keep a neutral tone in my voice.
"Ask those idiots. I didn't ask to be brought here." Her reply is full of disgust and attitude, as she looks behind me. So, I cock my head to the side, waiting for an explanation. "I got caught in some kind of damn wire trap in the woods, I was hunting. I had been there most of the night, and almost had it off when these heroes rode up on their big horses, acting like they owned the place." Simone gives me the explanation I had expected from Rick or Glenn.
I look back to her, noticing how she never breaks eye contact with me, "That was my snare you got caught in. They're there for just that reason, we don't take kindly to strangers but if you're hurt, it's my responsi-"
"Woah, woah, woah I'm not any of your responsibility," cutting me off, she twists her face around the word, "I can take care of myself. All you have to do is cut these ties and send me on my way."
"Fine." I hear Daryl say behind me, and hear his pocket knife open with a metallic shriek. Then it's Glenn and Rick who begin simultaneously about her having a group, sending them here, the guy I killed in the barn, something about a Randall, then it's my voice talking over them,
"Guys! Stop." I yell, trying to sort through everything that's been thrown at me. I turn my attention back to Simone,"Are you alone?" I ask, looking down at her.
"Yes. You think I want a group? Deal with this all the time?" She says back, nodding her head towards Rick, Glenn, and Daryl, "Hell no. I'm better alone." She finishes.
"Well I'm sure you can understand our concern," I say, slowly kneeling down in the straw, "we've had others come before, try to take what we have here. Hurt our people."
I lose myself with those last words and I'm taken back in time, looking at Daryl in moonlight all beat up, bleeding and bruised, and how much it hurt me. How much it infuriated me that this man had the audacity to come to my farm intending to do such awful things. Then, I'm fast forwarding to after what I had done, siting in the loft with Daryl, cleaning up his face, and then we're kissing, and his arms are around me, and there's so much, so many feelings, so many unspoken words-
"-not trying to hurt anyone. I've seen your farm through the trees, I've been up here for 3 days now. If I had some evil plan, don't you think I would've tried something by now? Instead of getting caught in that stupid snare."
I snap back into the present, catching the tail end of Simone's speech.
"Ok. I believe you." I say hurriedly, as the last word rolls off her tongue. "But, you'll stay here tonight. Eat, clean up, get your ankle wrapped, and take some decent clothes. We'll take you out tomorrow."
With that, I turn, pushing between Daryl and Glenn, needing nothing more than to get out of this barn. I give Chenoa a quick scratch, and shove the barn door open, letting the sun and air hit me all at once, wishing it could take me away.
-Do you even know what you're mad about? Why you stormed out that way? You haven't even thought this throu-
I shake my head, putting my hand to my forehead, having had enough of thinking to last me awhile. I finally get out for the first time today, and it was amazing, one of the best days I've had in a while, yet reality never fails to put me on my ass. Maybe that's what I'm upset about, it can be a number of things.
-The memory of that night. My mind says, and I know it's right, but I want to deny it with everything I got.
It's just a memory though. It happened, it's been long over with, but I just can't shake the cold, slimy feeling that's creeping over my whole body, smothering me.
-You killed a man.
. . . He was hurting Daryl. He was going to hurt others.
-He was a living person.
. . . He was evil!
-That makes you no better than those undead monsters. Killing the living-
"Rose." The deep voice saves me from myself, if only for a second. I don't stop, I brush the single tear rolling down my cheek away though. I hear my name again, only this time there's rage in the voice, so I stop but don't turn.
"What the hell Rose?" Daryl's hand is on my arm, turning me to face him. He looks so angry, but there's something else there too, I just wish his anger wasn't directed at me.
"Don't give me that Daryl." I say, turning my eyes away from his. I choose the slow-moving water of the creek to stare at, it's always calmed me before but I doubt it will help much now.
"Hey," he says in a gentler voice now, but still feel the tension radiation from his body, "talk to me. What happen back there?" He asks, but I just can't look at him.
"That man. Coming here, I just looked at Simone and everything came back. You being hurt, what he was gonna do to the others.. And what I did." I shake my head, forcing the lump in my throat away, "I just want her gone." I finish, meeting his eyes.
"But how do ya know she ain't lyin'? You really jus' believe 'er like that?" He asks, clearly disagreeing with my decision.
"You were gonna cut her out right there! Let her go. What happen to that?" I ask, throwing my hands up.
"Bluffin'." That's all he says, and the matter-of-fact way it comes out just makes my blood boil.
"Whatever! Ya know what? You make the decision, leave me out of it." I say turning on my heel, and march away, daring him to follow me. I don't care that I'm acting like a child, but I'm furious.
-He should know how you feel about this. How it haunts you, that man. His face. So dead. And you were the one to put arrow in his head.
I sling the screen door open, wincing as the motion tears at my stitches, go for the kitchen. I round the corner to see everyone busy making up plates, and finishing up cooking.
"Hey Rose, can you put this on the table?" Carol asks so sweetly, I can't say no. So, now I have a big pot of steaming soup in my hands, and the smell makes my mouth water. Making it to the dining room, I see Glenn and Daryl standing there. I set the pot down without looking at either of them, not even feeling hungry anymore.
"Hey Rose! Where were y'all?" I hear Carl asking, but he's looking back and forth between myself and the two standing by the wall, so I'm not exactly sure who the question was for.
"I think they know better than I do." I say too innocently, to Carl, roughing up his hair before shooting Daryl a fiery glance and turning back for the kitchen.
Twenty minutes later, we're all sitting around the table, Maggie and Beth are serving soup and everyone is talking lightly. -If only they knew.
I make it a point to sit in the opposite direction of Daryl, which gets me one of his angry glares but not much else.
-You're being such a baby! Suck. It. Up.
I shut my thoughts out, instead, opting to tune in on all the little chatter that's giving the room life. Carol talking about fresh food with Maggie, Beth making little noises at Judith, and Judith's undeniable laugh, Carl is beside me and he's not saying much, just eating. After a few minutes, he nudges me with his elbow and I look down at him, curiously raising an eyebrow.
"When are you gonna tell everyone?" He asks, and even though I'm surprised, I really shouldn't be. I know how smart and intuitive this kid is, you can't slide anything by him, much like his dad. So, I nod my head and put up one finger, telling him it'd be just a minute.
Rick is sitting on my other side, he hasn't said a word besides thank you the whole time we've sat at the table, which isn't the best sign. I mock Carl, nudging my elbow into his upper side. He looks at me, and I give my head a nod towards the table. Glenn sees us from across the table and shakes his head, slowly letting it fall. I look at Daryl next, his expression is next to impossible to read, almost blank with just a hint of anger, but I know how deep that anger is right now.
"Alright, listen up.." Rick starts, slowly pushing his chair back, "this morning, we found... Somethin'. In the woods." Now he's standing, hands resting on his belt, he continues, "It's under control, but we all need to discuss this as a group." I feel like that last part of directed right at me.
"Well.. What is it?" Carl pipes up, obviously having a hard time hiding his curiosity.
"A women. Found her caught in one a Rose's snares." Daryl answers him, never one to beat around the bush.
Now my eyes scan all the faces, reading everyone's reaction. Carol's gray eyes take on an intense amount of fear, and she pushes her bowl away. Maggie is looking at Glenn harshly, I'm sure wondering why he hasn't told her. Beth just sits there, holding Judith, her and Herschel's expressions almost the exact same, worried but blank at the same time, and Carl, well he looks like it's taking every bit of self-control to not jump out his seat and sprint to the barn right now.
"Now, I want to talk this over calmly." Rick is speaking again, "We know what happen last time, and we know how things got out of control with Randall."
-Who is Randall?! My mind blurts the question, I heard them say Randall back at the barn but I feel so lost, left out, on the subject.
"Wait, who's Randall?" I ask, and suddenly all eyes are on me.
"Randall was this guy whose group attacked my dad, Glenn, and Herschel when were still living on his farm," Carl leans close, talking fast, "well there was a big shoot out, walkers started comin' from everywhere and Randall fell on this fence, stuck in his leg and his group just left him for dead, so our guys loaded him up, and brought him back to Herschel's farm. Turns out, he was just a lot more trouble than we thought. Made us weak." He finishes, catching his breath and I make a mental note to get the whole story from Rick one day. In the mean time, I nod my head like I completely understand, and look to Rick to continue.
Given the go ahead by me, he looks back out over the table, "Everyone's opinion matters." Is all he says, and it's like the current that broke the dam, because all at once and from all angles, questions and statements and panic take over the space of the room. I want to speak along with them, but I've already let it go. I just didn't know it would be this hard. So, instead of listening anymore, I excuse myself with Rick, and walking over to Beth, I take little Judith in my arms and head for the peace of the porch.
"Ya know, there comes a time in life when you just have to let it go," I say to her as we rock back and forth, " and you'll find yourself at that day sooner than you think. So, just be prepared."
Judith doesn't understand a word I say, but I decide now that she's by far the best listener as she looks at me with those big blue eyes, not judging or criticizing. -Oh man. She's hardly 7 months old and you're talking to her like she's solved all the problems in the world already. Of course she doesn't judge, she doesn't know how!
I crack a smile, looking out over the swaying pastures, hearing the wind blow through the leaves, and let my eyes fall on the barn. Knowing what, or who, still sits in there, but not knowing what in the world can be done about it. Simone doesn't want to stay and I feel like I'm the only one who really sees it in her eyes, really understands her want to be on her own. Obviously she's done a hell of a job so far, so who am I, or any of the others to tell her she can't keep going?
-It isn't just you anymore. You have to lead your group in the right direction. Try to anyway. My thoughts go on, but I never fully come up with a decent solution.
"What would you do?" I ask Judith, lifting her up to eye level and blowing on her stomach. She replies with big laugh, and that already gorgeous smile she has. I can't help but to laugh a little along with her, relishing the lightness of the moment in all the darkness that once again surrounds us. "If only it could be so easy." I say, exhaling the sweet air.
"If only.."