iIIi
Void
iIIi
...
He doesn't know how he manages to live his meager life with barely any feelings left.
He wasn't sure if his mother had noticed it, but he knew that he also didn't spend too much effort to conceal himself. It wasn't worth the effort, really. No one would notice the clumsy kid that lands himself to the hospital five times a month. No one would notice the scaredy-cat hiding behind his mother's leg as he watches other children play in the park.
No one would notice someone who was empty.
It was not the same thing as what people call depression, exactly. But after looking up at the definition of that word, it may very well be.
He woke up each day to an unmovable void inside his chest; it was dark, it was cold, and it was consuming him from the inside out. He was aware of the existence of the huge, roiling mass of black miasma inside his chest, expanding throughout his organs, then spreading into his throat; constricting the air that he forces every-time he inhales. It continues its corruption further with his other bodily function, slowing his heartbeat - and sometimes, he swore his heart stopped for a few precious second -, until finally reached in his brain-
Corrupting his mind.
He doesn't remember the time where he gave up showing up in school, only attending it when his mother notices his presence in his own home.
He doesn't remember the enjoyment in seeing her smile as he tries to help her no matter how clumsy he is.
Instead he plaster a fake smile. It felt flat even in his own standard. He doesn't have to see into a mirror to know that his eyes was a dull, boring chocolate; hooded, jaded, and utterly empty.
There was a time where he would eagerly climb trees with the same fervor as a blazing sun in a hot summer day. It was a time he missed, but one he will never find the joy to indulge.
He found it rather tiresome to meet the expectation of his teachers who 'tried' to help him, they have these ridiculous belief that he will be fixed.
Fixed.
He hated that word. In fact, it was the only thing that could prompt an emotion out of him; fix, fixing, fixed.
It implies that something had broken, that it had done something it wasn't supposed to do, or that it didn't do what it was supposed to do.
People fix things that's broken so they would work properly.
And it implied that he was broken, that he was supposed to do things normal people do.
There was nothing wrong with feeling nothing. It just made it easier for him to not make any effort that he knew would only hurt himself. The absence of feelings, of motivation into that widening void was nothing he could've stopped.
Godness knew that he tried. He really did, but even through his best effort, everything slips away from his fingers as easily as water running down the streams.
He didn't know what happened exactly, but he could still remember the agony of having his core shattered like a fragile glass sculpture.
It was also the catalyst of 'everything wrong with Sawada Tsunayoshi'.
To have your core ripped out of your own mind, body, soul; was like forcibly taking out the processor from a computer, smash it with a hammer, and grinding it in garbage disposal.
It might be small, but it was the central substance that made a person whole.
And to take it away from Tsuna, whom was deeply in-tune with his core so carelessly, callously, unhesitatingly without second thoughts was beyond cruel.
It was a lifetime torture.
He was lacking the most significant part of human being, to the point where he subconsciously refers to himself as broken.
No matter how much he hated it, there was a shred of truth in that statement.
He was broken.
And with everything that's broken; he should be fixed.
No one was broken enough to have your teacher insist you can be fixed.
But Sawada Tsunayoshi was broken, he was empty, he had void in his chest that continues to expand with every waking second of his life.
They said he can be fixed.
He hated that word.
He hated those who said it more.
...
iIIi
"Honestly, I would've crushed them all. Make them feel what I had experienced. Ground them to the gravel with my foot pressing on their windpipe. I will see to it that the very last thing they feel is having their hope diminished, to have despair premenate the air as they drew in their last breath beneath my foot, and to see me - someone broken - to hold so much power over their life in my hand as I take their core."
iIIi
...
AN: There he is, Dark!Tsuna made an appearance! yay!
(You can probably see where the plot is going on with this ;D)
(Hey guys, sorry I didn't reply to your reviews :( my ISP blocks ffn from phone browser so I can't access it to reply to you directly. I'm only writing from my phone on ffn app, which is a disaster with pms. idk, I never received pms here and I can't read any unless I received it on my e-mail. I will reply once I have my WiFi or PC though. Thank you guys for your understanding.)