Over the Wall pt 1

There's something to be said for you
And your hopes of higher ruling
But the slug on my neck
Won't stop chewing

~ "Over the Wall", Echo and the Bunnymen

"Let's talk about that," Stan said in his best Psychiatrist voice.

"Leythe?" I was taken aback. I wasn't quite sure how one talked about that.

"Yes, you said that was your first sexual experience."

"I was just a kid," I laughed. I had a suspicious feeling I wasn't going to enjoy this discussion any more than yesterday's.

"How old?" It was just a question, the sort of information gathering he always did but at that moment it felt like intrusion.

Invasion.

"I dunno, eight, nine, somewhere around there," I shrugged. Liar. I knew exactly how old I had been. Eight years two months five days. I'd thought about that day every day for a long time.

"Do you remember it?"

"Yeah," I shrugged again but I was starting to feel very uneasy. This was something I had never talked about, not even with the other boys at school. This wasn't something anyone else would understand.

"What happened?"

I hated it when he was clinical like that. It made me want to throw the table at him. Like, how the fuck could he be calm all the fucking time? Did he take meds to make him like that? I wanted some of those. "Uh, I was one of the prefects' boys. They all had one." I reached for a cigarette. "His name was James," I offered.

"How old was James?"

"Fifth form so, I dunno, what's that? Fifteen, sixteen? Something like that." I lit the cigarette, my shaking hand giving me away. I wanted to burn Stan with it. After I threw the table at him.

"So quite a bit older than you."

Obviously. I nodded again.

He waited patiently, looking at me with that placid inscrutable expression that gave nothing away.

"What do you want to know?" I laughed nervously.

"What did the encounter entail?"

"It wasn't 'an encounter'. I was his the whole time he was there."

"When you say 'his', you mean he was a boyfriend?"

"No. Yes. I mean, I was his lover."

"How did he treat you?"

"He was good to me," I said readily. "He bought me things. He wrote really lousy poetry for me. " I burst out laughing and quoted the end of one: " 'Though you may turn my dreams to dust and truth to lies/I'll drown my pain in your unfathomed eyes.'"

Stan laughed too. "What sort of things did he buy you?" He asked.

I shook my head. "Um, chocolates and sweets. And he gave me a scarf once," I remembered all of a sudden. "He gave me money."

"What did you spend it on?"

I shook my head again. "More sweets, I guess," I laughed loudly. What had I spent it on? It wasn't as if he gave me all that much. It just meant I had pocket change when I went into town or went home.

"You say you were lovers. Did he kiss you?"

"Yeah, of course," I felt uncomfortable again.

"Did you like it?"

Damn Stan. He always had a way of asking things that made you think things you didn't want to think about. "I guess. I dunno."

"Did he kiss you often?"

"Yeah, I guess. I mean, I was the one who waited on him."

"'Waited on him'?"

"Each of the prefects had a boy who did things for them – brought them their tea and what not."

"So you spent a lot of time in his room?"

"Yes."

"You were alone with him in his room?"

"Most of the time, yeah."

"Did he do more than kiss you when he was alone with you?"

"What do you think?" I asked angrily. Stan already knew what went on. Everyone knew, even those who weren't chosen for it. I felt no need to go into the details.

"What did you think when he touched you?" He continued in a neutral tone.

I was still trying to get control of my anger. I hated him more than I imagined possible. What was I supposed to say? "I don't know," I said finally.

"Did you like the attention?"

Of course I liked the attention! I spent all my time playing coquette to make James want me. "It was just something that everyone did, alright?" I said coldly.

"Did you know other boys who were being abused?"

The use of that word threw me. I literally staggered in my chair. "Abused?" I choked. "We weren't abused. We just normal kids, doing what everyone else did. "

"Is that what you really think?" he asked quietly.

"Look, I get that you think that somehow this has made me uninterested in sex but the bottom line is it just wasn't traumatic. I did what everyone else did. I just got on with it. I just want to forget the whole bloody mess." My head was starting to ache.

"Alright," he said in that steady tone I was desperate to hear. My entire world was crumbling. "We can be done for today."

We're done forever, I thought and stormed from the room, furious.