Walking on Ice
In Alaska, Ivo took me to walk out on the ice. We went by helicopter to the Mendenhall Glacier. We went with people he knew professionally which meant that we didn't have to go the tourist route and walk from the Pavilion parking lot to the edge of the lake like everyone else. We got to land directly on the glacier and walk across it. We got to stand over the pools of pristine blue water and peer straight down into the bottomless depths where the aquatic ballet of life was in full swing – salmon and other fish darting from the pursuit of predators. Glaciers, Ivo told me, were dangerous due to the constant melting underneath. At any point a large section might break off, generating a surge so powerful it could break up the surface ice on which we stood and pull us down. If we did fall in, we would be lucky to survive more than fifteen minutes. The research team we were with knew the risks but also the warning signs and how to act appropriately in the event of "calving". And so I got to climb into an ice cave and explore inside, something Ivo had only done once before. He was very excited and spent much of the time chatting animatedly with a younger girl he knew from previous who addressed him respectfully as "Dr. Steadman".
In fact, such an opportunity comes once in a lifetime, if that. Mine was handed to me simply because of my connection to Ivo. He had asked to have me included and they had granted the unusual request with great alacrity, happy to help. They were charming to me, taking care that I didn't fall in or down or do something stupid. But what do I actually remember from that day? I vividly recall the excruciating headache I had from having drunk too much the night before. I remember seething with resentment that Ivo had once again hauled me off someplace he wanted to see. I remember rolling my eyes and making faces when he told me something, thinking he was being condescending and paternalistic. I remember feeling like a fish out of water, surrounded by scientists who lived for this sort of thing when I had no idea what to do with it.
I remember hating Ivo more with each passing minute.
I still cringe thinking of my childish behavior on that trip, a trip we had planned together. Ivo knew that glacier inside and out. He had spent years studying it and written numerous articles on its formation and change over time. He had even developed the lecture series for the Moraine Ecology Trail and the Trail of Time for the tourists. He was passionate about it and had wanted to share it with me. He wanted me to love that part of him – that most important part – as deeply as he loved every part of me, good and bad.
If this was a test of my love for him, I failed utterly. I sulked because I wasn't the center of attention, because my insatiable needs weren't being met. I wanted to stay in a better hotel. I wanted to be entertained at nice restaurants. I wanted him to figure out what I wanted even though I had no earthly clue.
I wanted him to give me something I could value, however one assigns value in life. He had offered me something far more precious and I had rejected it out of hand.
I'm more fortunate than most people. I have been given another chance to have those opportunities I wasted in the first part of my adult life. I don't know that I deserve it, but I try daily not to take anything for granted.