BEEP

by CraftyNotepad

Excuse me just a moment while I check my messages ... A collection of 200-word or so phone messages left on the answering machines about Pickford. You're not only invited to read; you're invited to submit your own! GUEST AUTHORS' BEEPs ARE SHOWN IN CAPS

42. I Smell Cabbage

Disclaimer:According to the fine print, I don't actually own Phil of the Future. Imagine.

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This message is for an "N. Hackett." This is Handsome Town Headwax returning your call. We're sorry you're unsatisfied with our purchase of our El Tigre Scalp Wax; however, as you have broken the seal of the carton, we cannot accept the return of any of the thirty tubs of El Tigre. If you'll read the fine print on your packing slip, you'll see that you were informed of this in writing before you opened the box. As to your claim that it is the scent of cabbage from the El Tigre Scalp Wax which is driving women away from you, have you ever considered what the ladies were doing before you waxed up? Our independent research has proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that women find the aroma of pickled cabbage baking in the sun as possessing aphrodisiac qualities. As to your additional claim that you have had no noticeable hair growth since applying our product, again, we do not dispute this. Rather, we refer you to the small print, paragraph 23 which plainly reads

"El Tigre Scalp Wax will moisturize your scalp, and rejuvenate your tired pores, providing you with the renewed self-confidence that only comes from new hair growth."

Nowhere in our declaration is it stated how long this new hair growth will take place, nor how long it will last. You're a youngish man, Mr. Hackett, and you're are still in the possession of an additional 29 full jars of our quality natural product. In your message, you claim to be a vice-principal in Pickford. If that's true, then we're certain you'll be encouraged by the results of a professional colleague of yours, the vice-principal of Handsome Town High School. He's not only a user of El Tigre Scalp Wax, he's also our local spokesman -- his wife is our national spokeswoman! We look forward to hearing from you in the future when you will possess the luscious head of hair you desire from using our product, just as they do. We offer your follicles our best wishes, results may vary, yadda, yadda, yadda; refund not approved.

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