A/N: So, now we come to the reason why I had Shepard act like Darwin Award candidate in the previous chapter. Hopefully this will make sense. ;)
As always, thank you for all the favs, alerts and reviews! You folks are the best!
Chapter 19 - Through Suffering, Towards Hope
"I think she's coming to."
"Look, her eyelids are fluttering, just there, did you see?"
"Commander, I would be very grateful if you tried to avoid giving me scares like this one."
"Let's just be glad she's alive..."
The voices around her are all mixed up in one big mess and it is with great difficulty that Morgan Shepard can finally begin separating them one from another. There's Garrus. Karin Chakwas, of course, this is her medbay. And Tali'Zorah, too. All three of them appear worried sick, as she opens her eyes and attempts a smile. She feels as if her midsection has been thrown under a tank, her body feeling heavy as she recognizes the effects of anesthetics and a massive amount of painkillers. Amputation? she instantly jerks upwards, despite the pain, throwing off the covers to see whether all her limbs are intact.
"What are you doing, Commander?" Chakwas bristles at her angrily, putting the sheets back in place to cover her, Morgan only managing to catch the sight of her stomach being heavily bandaged. "Seriously, Shepard, do not try to make any sudden movements. I just finished digging through your insides, and I would hate if your jerking around meant I need to repeat the less than pleasant experience!"
"Sorry... sorry, Doctor," Morgan mumbles an apology. "Just... needed to see the damage for myself. A few new scars, eh? At least all my limbs are in their proper places."
"Well... not exactly," Chakwas says. Morgan looks at her, feeling frightened at the doctor's dramatic pause. "While I was in there, I figured I might as well remove your appendix. It's not like you needed it."
Shepard groans. "Gods, Karin... don't ever scare me like this, please."
"Only if you promise never to scare me by nearly dying in my care," Chakwas replies grimly, suddenly looking tired. "You're out of danger now. I think I can trust you in Garrus and Tali's care." With that, she leaves the medbay.
"What happened?" Shepard turns to her friends, her memories of the events that led to receiving these injuries sketchy at best.
"I thought about asking you the same question," Garrus replies, looking very concerned.
"It's like you just... blacked out when we caught up with Wasea," Tali says, puzzled, unsure of what had truly happened. "They came at us guns blazing and you just kept walking onwards, oblivious, even after they had started shooting."
The memory slowly floats back to Shepard, but she doesn't know how or what to explain to her friends. She doesn't even know what it was, herself. She was distracted by her own dark thoughts? That sounds too stupid and embarrassing to speak out loud. She is depressed, unfocused, lacking in commitment, pessimistic of their chances, she has lost belief in herself and her ability to lead? Probably a bit of all the above, but she cannot say these things to those who expect her to be strong. Weakness is something she cannot afford. "Yeah, I think I remember now," she says quietly. "I'll get it together, guys. This will never repeat again, I promise you that."
"I'll hold you to that, Commander," Garrus says. "This is the first time I've seen you make a mistake like this. It's just... very unlike you, Shepard."
"I know, Garrus. I know," she tries to sound reassuring. "This will serve as a good warning, I'm not going to make the same mistake twice, I'm not that stupid." Garrus finally nods, convinced.
"You might also be interested to know that Samara came in while you were unconscious to swear an oath to you," Tali tells her. "While she is under this oath, your orders will override her justicar Code. But... once the mission is over, if you have forced her to do something that goes against her Code, she will be forced to kill you."
"What?" Shepard blinks. "Goddamnit, what if we force her to choose between oatmeal and scrambled eggs for breakfast and the Code forbids her to eat any of those? Maybe I should... I don't know, read this Code?"
"Oh no, being a mere human you are not worthy to read the Code," Garrus adds helpfully. "Sorry, Shepard. You'll just have to play this by hand."
Morgan groans. "Well, knowing my luck, that means if the Collectors won't kill me, then Samara probably will." Tali and Garrus chuckle at that. "How did your mission go, Garrus?"
"Krios is aboard of Normandy, Shepard," the turian explains. "You will find him... very interesting, I'm sure. The way he killed Nassana Dantius... was very impressive. She and her four commandos never saw him coming, he moved between them so silently."
"Well, he sounds highly skilled, that's good," Shepard ventures.
"Yes. He's also slowly dying from an incurable disease," Garrus adds.
"...right, that's... not good?" Shepard blinks.
"It's not contagious and it doesn't impair him in any way for now," Garrus explains further. "I think he views this mission against the Collectors as some sort of a last chance to redeem himself. I'm sure he'll be eager to tell you more himself, when you're ready to speak with him."
Even though Chakwas has confined her to bed rest for at least forty-eight hours, Shepard barely manages to hold out for twelve. When the doctor excuses herself to go and take a few hours of rest, Shepard doesn't waste the opportunity, she throws one of Chakwas' spare white lab coats on her naked shoulders and slips out of the medbay, barefooted. Shepard is too intrigued by these two new additions to her team and she is eager to get to know them better, starting with a quick visit to the starboard observatory which according to Tali, Samara has chosen for her quarters.
When Shepard quietly enters, Samara is sitting cross-legged on the floor, deep in meditation, surrounded by faint field of biotic energies. "Shepard," she says, having noticed Shepard's arrival, welcoming her in. "Please, join me. I was hoping we could talk. I imagine you have questions?"
Shepard does have quite a few questions for the asari justicar, particularly trying to find out as many details about her Code, just to make sure she doesn't force Samara to do something that the justicar would later have to kill her for. As they speak, Samara never shows any concern about the reasons why the Collectors must be fought, and Morgan asks her about this lack of interest.
"I will do as my oath bids me, and I do not have any curiosity beyond that," Samara replies with cool conviction. "Think of it this way, Shepard. If I must kill a man because he has done wrong, do I really wish to know that he is a devoted father?"
"I would wish to know," Morgan replies. "It might make me reconsider whether death is the only punishment applicable on this occasion. Are all wrongs as defined by the Code punishable by death and only death? Such rigidity is hard to fathom."
Samara merely shakes her head, reluctant to discuss the Code in greater detail. Shepard asks her about the Ardat-Yakshi, hoping to find out more about this mysterious 'demon of the night winds', but Samara refuses to speak of it, claiming it to be a too personal issue.
"You must have heard of Cerberus, and the rumors surrounding them, even if you have been staying in the asari space until now," Shepard finally says. "The Code allows you to work with an organization like that?"
"Over the many years, I have learned to make my own impressions and not trust rumors," Samara replies.
"Really? I thought that the whole idea behind such a detailed Code was that you don't need to make your own impressions and generally don't need to think too much, just follow the Code..." Shepard remarks, unable to withhold the comment, even if she realizes she is coming off rather insulting.
"You show a disappointing lack of understanding, Shepard," Samara replies. "But it is understandable. And I am not concerned about the reputation of Cerberus because I do not work with them. I work for you Shepard."
"I see. Well, I'm glad we could talk about these things," Morgan nods, then saying her goodbyes to Samara and hurrying away, before she has done something that qualifies as punishable offence by the almighty Code, for example, questioning its very wisdom and the rationale behind the purpose of justicar order.
She stops outside in the hallway, then slipping into the women's restroom and opening the white coat to make sure the bandages are holding up and the wounds have not reopened. Everything looks more or less in order, there are no signs of blood and she doesn't feel any pain from simple walking around and talking, so Shepard decides to continue making the rounds, heading towards the nearby life support chamber, where the assassin Thane Krios has chosen to reside, preferring the slightly more arid air of the room.
Morgan enters the life support to see a lean, masculine figure sitting at the table in a deep trance, hands crossed like in a prayer, soft words escaping the assassin's lips as he recites one verse after another. Shepard has only seen a few drell before, and certainly not up close as this. Thane cuts an interesting figure, shape much like a human or asari, but for the more reptilian head, and their strange fish like throats, that as Shepard understands they can inflate to impressive size. His eyes are pitch black, as he finally turns towards Shepard, watching her enter. Black like Liara's when she's about to... Morgan thinks, then quickly shaking these thoughts away.
"Ah, Shepard," Thane greets her. His voice is smooth and velvety, and so deceptively calm, perfect for an assassin. "Should you be walking around the ship? I understand you were grievously wounded."
"I'm feeling better, Doc has allowed me to walk around a bit," Shepard lies, trying to sound convincing as she takes a seat opposite to Thane. "I imagine I have not made the most auspicious first impression."
It looks like something almost resembling a smile on Thane's face, before he continues talking. "I have acquired my own share of injuries over the years. In our line of work, danger is inevitable," he says. "I imagine the others have already briefed you about my conditions? I will help you defeat these Collectors. Free of charge."
"Yeah, they mentioned that. Said it is to be your last job, that you are dying from some sort of incurable disease?" Shepard asks.
"Yes. Kepral's syndrome," Thane nods, before going on to explain that the disease is the result of the drell living on the hanar homeworld of Kahje, unused to the very humid conditions on the hanar world. Thane's story about the drell literally killing their own planet Rakhana by aggressive industrial expansion is very interesting, and Shepard finds it rather educational. That would have been the fate of humanity, if we had not found our way to the stars, she thinks. The near-sightedness of our own politicians, throwing only scraps of budget to space exploration... it nearly doomed the future of the human race.
"Were you praying when I entered?" she asks Thane. He nods, and goes on to explain about all the gods in the polytheistic pantheon of the drell. Thane sounds bitter as he mentions that the younger drell no longer feel interested in following the old ways of their ancestors, instead choosing to cling to the worship of hanar or asari deities.
A spiritual assassin, Shepard thinks at herself. I guess it's not the weirdest thing I'm going to see in my travels. Some of Thane's beliefs make Shepard cringe, her insides bristling in disagreement. " An assassin is merely a weapon," he says, resolute, firm in his convictions. "A weapon doesn't choose to kill. The one who wields the weapon does."
"You would deny your own free will?" Shepard asks, shaking her head. Thane merely stares at her, his look saying all she needs to know, that he believes she would never be able to understand what he means. "I think that's probably enough talking for now," Morgan says quickly, unwilling to start an argument over morality. "Thank you for your insights, Thane. They have certainly been interesting." He merely nods and watches her leave.
Even though Chakwas ends up shouting at her a little bit for wandering around and risking reopening her wounds, the doctor eventually admits that Shepard's injuries are healing up nicely. The next time Morgan goes to sleep, it is already back in her quarters, the bandages removed, there is no lingering pain in her abdomen, merely a faint scratching sensation in the spots where the bullets pierced her skin, leaving three new, albeit small scars.
Shepard has just crawled into her bed, pulling the blankets up to her shoulders, when suddenly the intercom beeps softly, startling her. She rises to answer. It is Tali. "Can I come up, Shepard?" she asks, speaking quickly. "I have something interesting for you."
Shepard quickly dons the pants of her uniform and a simple t-shirt, remaining barefooted, as Tali arrives at her cabin. "What's up, Tali?" she asks, curious.
Before starting to speak, Tali walks over to the sound system and switches the music on, cranking up the volume. "I, ah… have been tapping into Cerberus communications as of late. They are not as well encrypted as they believe," she explains.
"Anything interesting?" Shepard asks.
"Yes, you might want to look at Miranda's last reports to The Illusive Man," Tali says, switching on her omni-tool and downloading the transcripts to Shepard.
"Shepard's effectiveness in the last two missions after seeing T'Soni on Ilium has decreased by thirty-eight percent?" Morgan reads the report, blinking. "How the hell can she measure that with such accuracy, that perfect little wonder on gene engineering? And I wonder for how many of those percentages getting near-lethally shot accounts for!"
"Don't ask me," Tali shrugs. "I can't stand that annoying bosh'tet either. But looks like she's got The Illusive Man concerned. Take a look at his reply." The quarian quickly downloads more data to Shepard's omni-tool.
"It is clear that the situation between Shepard and T'Soni must be resolved if the mission is to be successful," Morgan reads. "In a few days, you will receive a packet of data that will make both Shepard and T'Soni very happy. Make sure to use this information to strengthen Shepard's loyalty to our cause and make her more appreciative of everything that Cerberus is doing for her."
"What do you think The Illusive Man is talking about?" Tali asks.
"Probably some lead that will let Liara get closer to the Shadow Broker," Morgan replies. "I will welcome everything that helps Liara deal with that bastard, but if they think that this will make me get down on my knees and kiss their Cerberus asses, they are deeply mistaken. These subtle manipulations of my loyalties will not be appreciated. Thanks for bringing this to me, Tali, nice catch."
Tali nods, appearing satisfied. "I can just see the Cerberus cheerleader presenting you the data with her blindingly white smile, boasting how Cerberus does everything to help you, and how they are 'really not that evil'."
"And then she will be left cursing when I simply grab the data, turn around and say 'about damn time, how much longer were you willing to sit on this intel, you goddamned hypocrites'," Shepard laughs.
Tali seems to savor that mental image, but then quickly becomes more serious. "They are right though, in that you have become… more distracted. Shepard, Wasea nearly killed you back in the Eclipse base." Shepard doesn't reply, just shrugs numbly. "It's really eating at you, isn't it? I've been talking with Garrus about how to cheer you up, but…"
"That's sweet, Tali, but in all honesty… if Cerberus does come through with the data about the Shadow Broker, that might be what I really need," Shepard replies. "In the meantime, I promise to try and pull myself together. It would do no good to get myself killed by some two-bit mercenary gang leader, right?"
"Right," Tali nods, quickly hugs her and then leaves Morgan to her interrupted sleep.