Hey hope you like it! Please review and let me know what you think! :D x

"yeah….i'm confused though…"

"me too….Gabs…what…what does this mean"

"I don't know…." We both go really quiet and I can tell he's deep thought.

"Well…seen as neither of us knows what this is why don't we just carry on as normal instead of sitting here trying to figure it out, because don't think we're getting very far"

"Ok..." I look up to see him smiling down at me. He pulls me in for a hug and we just sit there for a while. After pulling back he smiles down at me while slowy leaning in. He's just about to kiss me when the bell rings. We jump apart and then laugh it off awkwardly.

"Come on we better get to class, Darbus will kill us for being late" He grabs my hand and pulls me away.

After finishing school I went to the library for a bit seen as Tay had a project to finish and Troy had offered to give me a lift home after his practise. While searching for a book, I was listening to the radio through my I-pod when all of sudden it came on. Our song, I can't live by Mariah Carey. I haven't heard this song in 6 months and I've heard it twice today. I sink down to the floor right there in the aisle and just listen. Josh's face appears in the front of my mind and I can almost feel his arms around me like when we danced to this the night he died. I sat there for a good 10 minutes after it's finished and I suddenly feel like I need to get out of here. I rush back to my desk and get my things before basically running out of the library and of the school. I start to walk home and it's only when I'm halfway back that I realise I was supposed to meet troy for a lift. Troy. I can't see him right now, my head is filled with Josh. I quickly text him telling him not to worry about the lift before switching my phone off, just as I'm walking through the door of Tays house.

Rushing upstairs I lock the door to my room and fling my bag to the floor and take off my shoes. Looking to my bedside table, I rush there and pickup the photo of me and Josh. It suddenly feels like my hearts being ripped from my chest and my stomach has sunk to the floor. I miss him. I miss him so much. I lower myself to floor and just stare at his face in the photo. How is it that he's gone from my life? How is that I've being coping without him? How is it that I've not thought about him for a few days?

I am such an awful person. I've not thought about him all weekend because I've been too busy having fun with my friends and trying to figure out my feelings for Troy. How could I have forgotten Josh. He's the love of my life. I had planned the rest of my life with him and he just got taken away from me. And I haven't thought about him. I glance to the side and see the box resting on the floor next to my bed. It's like a reminder. I don't know how but it feels like Josh is reminding me of everything we had, and could have had.

I can't let this carry on with Troy. Not after Josh. He is the love of my life and I need to deal with his death before anything else. I came here to try and accept it and deal with him not being around anymore. I'm getting distracted. I wish he was here right now. I miss him so much. I feel so guilty that I've not been thinking about him.

"I'm sorry Josh" I whisper. For a while I just sit here and think. Think about everything I know about him and remember all the good times we had together.

The next morning I was stood by my locker, hurriedly trying to get everything I needed for my next class. I knew troy had this period free and that he would try and come talk to me, since I haven't seen him since yesterday lunch.

"Hey Gabriella" I hear troy speak softly as he suddenly appears next to me.

"Hi" I say without looking up at him

"Are you ok, I haven't really seen you today" I can tell he sounds concerned, almost worried about me.

"Yeah I'm fine, I've just been busy with homework and stuff" I have all my stuff and close my locker.

"Sorry but I got to go" as I turn to leave he grabs my hand and spins me round, forcing me to look at him although I avert my gaze to anywhere but his eyes.

"What's the matter? Is everything ok?" He asks and although I try not to look I can see the alarm in his eyes and hear the worry in his voice

"Everything's fine" I look up at him and smile slightly, trying to reassure him that I'm ok even though we both know that I'm not

"Ok…if you're sure…" he replies uneasily. He knows there something wrong but he's choosing not to push it, which I am very grateful for. It's at this point I realise he still holding on to my hand. I pull it back and see the hurt in his eyes. I didn't mean it to seem harsh but I just can't.

"..So I was wondering… are you free tomorrow night? I thought we could go see a movie or something?" He asks me hopefully and he smiles down brightly at me.

"Ermm…I actually …err...already have plans sorry….look I really have to go…I'll speak to you later troy…sorry" and with that I rush off down the corridor before he can say anything else or grab my hand again to stop me.

I feel awful lying to him like that, because to be honest I have absolutely nothing to do tomorrow night apart from sit around my room, being bored and feeling guilty. I just can't handle it right now. Troy is such a nice guy, but it would be wrong of me to do anything with him. It was wrong of me to kiss him the other night. I should have stopped it, like I did before. If I had done then we wouldn't have this…this...well whatever this is between me and troy. I don't want to give him the wrong impression about what I'm feeling. Although I don't know how I can do that when I'm not even sure myself what it is I am feeling.

I'm such a bad person for ignoring him, but until I figure what is going on with us and in my head it seems like the best option. I don't want to hurt him, but I'm not ready for a relationship yet, and although he hasn't said anything I think that's what he wants. And that scares me. It's too soon. I spend the rest of the day rushing from class to class so not to bump into Troy and really focusing on my work in the classes we have together. He keeps trying to make conversation and although I don reply it's not with enthusiasm that I usually have when talking to him. I just pretend that I really need to concentrate on my work although I could do most of it in my sleep.

After school I get back to Taylors and flop onto my bed. I feel so guilty about the way I've been with troy today. I don't know what to do, I don't want to hurt him. It's just that after everything that's happened I'm still trying to figure out how to be and act around people. Which I know sounds stupid because I should just be myself. And I am it's just that for three years myself consisted of me and josh. We were an apart of each other and I never imagined that one day that would go. I always thought that he would be there and that I would always be a part of him. I let him in completely and let my barriers down, and after three years I got to a stage where I didn't know how to be me without him anymore. I've been coming to terms with that since he died and moving here helped. But I'm still not fully there.

And this whole thing with Troy hasn't helped. It was fine when we were just friends but now. I know we're not a couple or anything but….the kiss. And the feelings. I shouldn't be feeling like this. It's been 6months. 6 months since he died and I'm going around kissing another guy. I'm such a horrible girlfriend. I was planning to spend the rest of my life with Josh and here I am 6 months later acting as if I haven't just lost the love of my life. But Troy. He's been so kind and gentle towards me. He has helped me so much in dealing with Josh's death and I now can't imagine my life without him. And I don't want to hurt Troy but I can't let myself feel anything towards him. Even if I do. Not yet anyways. It's not fair on Josh. Who I'm still in love with, and who it still physically hurts to miss.

I get up off my bed and go to my desk picking up the little box that is resting on top. Kicking off my shoes and jacket I get into bed and curl up under the duvet. I still haven't opened it. I don't know why, but I'm scared too. I feel that when I open it, that's going to be it. Josh is really going to be gone. And I can't let him go. Not yet, I love him too much. For the first time in weeks I start to cry. I mean properly cry. I cling to the box and hold on to the photo of me and Josh as I sob into a pillow.

"what….what should I do…josh…why…..why did you have to die…..you promised you'd never leave me…..you should be here…..Josh….it hurts so much without you…..please….Josh I miss…you.." I can't help but weep at the thought of him. I wish he was here to hold me and kiss me and tell me it was all going to be ok.

I would give anything to have him here for one more day.

One more hour.

Anything.

Review! :D x