Disclaimer: The first 50 are the easiest. If you don't believe me,
then you try to come up with 50 different ways
to proclaim the following:
Own not I Phil of the Future.
(Rat Snacks!)
•BEEP •
This is Mrs. Phipps, the librarian at H. G. Wells. Miss Diffy, have you been receiving my notes? You have several book long overdue. You are, in fact, the record breaker of overdue books, far exceeding Seth Wosmer's thirteen weeks in the possession of "The Naked Truth About Numbers." I'm weary of writing you notes, Pim. According to library records, you have the following twenty-one overdue books:
Friar Fred: A Man With a Mission
Bulldozer Operation For Dummies
So, You Want To Be A Dictator? -- a how-to guide for girls in six easy steps!
Cleopatra: a beautiful ruler with one fine asp
King Ron Popeil: inventor of the infomercial
Spackling Stuff For Fun!
White Lung: Monitoring Health Risks of Chalk Dust
A Sucker Is Born Every Minute: tricks of the trade of P. T. Barnum
Survival Cooking With Your Microwave Oven -- a guide for latch key kids
Incendiaries For Kids -- make your own stink bombs and fireworks at home!
Con Artists: History's Greatest Flim-Flam Masters
Legends Of the Lost Gold Mine Of Kidd Rock
1990 Soil Survey Analysis of Pickford Adjacent
Greed Is Good -- How-To Play With Other People's Money
So She Wants To Be Your Pal -- 1001 Ways To Discourage the Annoyingly Perky
Crocheting For Beginners -- 100 Different Loopholes
The IFR* Encyclopedia of Retribution
How To Get Your Brother's Face On the Side Of a Milk Carton ... Without Getting Caught
So They Just Won't Divorce -- How To Deal With Your Parents' Public Displays Of Affection
Blonde Bombshells: Hair Care For The Insanely Curly
Your First Boyfriend -- the care and feeding of your new pet
Return the following by tomorrow morning and I'll waive all fees, Miss Diffy. If not, please be advised that the following morning Mr. Hackett is initiating his new "get tough on book hogs." Your picture will be on the morning report as queen of the pigpen, rendered on a swine's body while a listing of your overdue books scroll past that image, along with a plea to H. G. Wells students and staff to help this little piggy find her missing books. I expect one of two possible futures: either I'll find that these books are all returned tomorrow, or you're liable to find yourself with a new nickname, some of a porcine reference, my little pi-Pimmy.
•BEEP •
*Institute For Revenge (also Pim's favorite movie after her Galacta Girls!)