"Well there you go then, she wouldn't have kissed you if she didn't feel something"

"I suppose so…you know man even after all these years you never cease to surprise me" he grins at me

"What can I say" we both laugh

"Wow…"

"What?" I ask him confused

"Do you even realise how girly that conversation must have sounded?" he looks a little shocked with himself

"Oh yeah you're right…"

"Yeah we should go play basketball or something" he gets up and grabs a ball

"Yeah…and go eat meat or something…." We both walk out of the room silently, and I know that everything that was just said won't leave there.

It's now been 10 and a half months since Josh was taken from me, 3 months since I told the girls about Troy kissing me and 2 weeks since we finished finals. Graduation is in a couple of weeks and then I'm done with high school for ever. It's kind of sad really, I don't want to finish school, and especially not east high I love it here! Don't get me wrong I miss Colorado of course I do, it's just I've met so many amazing people here and I don't want to leave them. I know that I'm going to have to when we all leave for college, but that's 3 months away.

That's going to be so hard; we're all in different places. I'm off to Stanford and Taylor to Yale, Sharpay and Ryan in New York of course and the Chad and Troy are staying here. A thousand miles away. It's going to be so hard, I know that me and Tay can do it we've done the distance before and still remained just as close. But Troy…He's the one that's helped me through it. Well everyone's been there for me and helped me in different ways, but Troy. It's just something about him, he says it's going to be ok and I believe him in a way that I don't when anybody else says it. I don't know what I'm going to do without him.

And what's going to happen to our…well whatever the hell we are. Not a couple, but more than just friends. Over the past few months I've wondered and wondered about what we are but still can't come up with an answer. We've tried talking about it but neither of us knows. I'm still not ready for a relationship, and I'm still getting over Josh.

Josh. Whenever I'm with Troy and he kiss's me I feel guilty. I know it's getting close to a year now and I think I am accepting his death but even so. He was everything to me and I feel like I'm betraying him by how close I have gotten to Troy.

My old school is holding a memorial day for him on the day he died. I'm going back to Colorado for the first time since it happened, for it. I'm so nervous. I'm scared. I'm scared I'm going to break down as soon as I get to my street. I'm scared that his parent will hate me for disappearing for a year. I'm scared to go to his grave. Since the funeral I've never been back. I know that sounds awful but I just couldn't. It was too hard when I was there and I've not been in the state since.

I still haven't opened the box. After 10 months I still don't have the courage and I don't know why. It's not like anything is going to happen when I do. It's just that I feel I need a sign, from josh, and I haven't got one yet. I know that will probably sound ridiculous to everyone, that's why I've not told anyone. Only Taylor and Troy know about the box and they don't mention it, knowing that it's private and it upsets me. I will do it though, probably when I'm back home but I will open it before the summer is over.

Ah the summer. The other thing that I can't stop thinking about. See my parents are flying in to see me graduate and staying a few days after before going back to Colorado. And I have to make the choice about whether to go back with them or stay here. I'm obviously going home for the memorial service but I don't know whether to go back before then. Or whether to stay after. I think it depends on how hard it is for me, as to how long I stay after the Memorial Day. It's just hard because I want to see my parents before I start college, but also want to spend the summer with everyone here. My parents have asked me to know by the time they get here in a couple of weeks.

I hope I can figure everything out by then

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