A/N: The chapter title is a hint to Liara's reaction by the end. Just to be clear. ;)
Chapter 44 - When You Gaze Into the Abyss
"Shepard! What on Earth was that?" Udina's fist connects with the surface of his working desk, making the cup with last few drops of cold coffee topple over and Shepard is forced to quickly pull away from the table to avoid the spilled liquid from staining her pants. "What did you want to accomplish with that display? We needed to put up a unified front before the other councilors, we did not need your childish attempts at humiliating me!"
Shepard's grey eyes narrow as she stares coldly at Udina. "My 'childish attempts' secured us more than your bumbling efforts," she replies simply. "If I had to make you look like an idiot to score some bonus points with the other councilors, that's a price I'm happy to pay for the sake of humanity's survival. Besides, I consider your humiliation to be a bonus."
Udina's face colors in an interesting shade of purple as he shouts at her. "Hackett will hear of this, make no mistake! I will see you stripped of all your rank and honors, it is a disgrace you were reinstated in the first place!"
"Are you quite done?" Shepard mock-yawns. "Because I'm too busy to stand here listening to empty threats."
"You just don't get it, do you, Shepard!" Udina looks at her, incensed. "Your little circus has made me a fool before the other councilors, you have weakened our position on the Council! Because of the likes of you humanity will always be considered second rate!"
"And yet I got results where you had none," Shepard folds her hands across her chest, giving Udina a defiant stare. "That you do not appreciate it just shows how much you care about what is best for the humanity and what is best for yourself."
"If my position on the Council was stronger, I would have been able to demand their aid, not having to beg for it!" Udina exclaims.
"It is your own fault that your position is not stronger," Shepard shrugs. "Don't blame me for your diplomatic shortcomings."
Udina scoffs. "Why did you have to sacrifice so many human lives of the Fifth Fleet just to save those conceited jackasses," he snaps. "I should not be surprised, considering how much of an alien lover you appear to be."
Shepard raises a curious eyebrow at the still fuming councilor. "Oh, bringing that in now, are you. Not above hitting below the belt, are you, Councilor?"
"Tell me I'm wrong, Shepard," Udina retorts sharply.
"Alright, so how about we drop this and actually start doing what we signed up to do?" Shepard has finally had enough of this charade. "When you make your complaint about me to Hackett, why don't you actually for once make sure you have a goddamn idea what we really require for this war effort? Get us funding, get us materials, anything you can!"
"Do not worry, Shepard, he will hear about your insolence," Udina says pointedly. "In the meantime, I will institute a draft in our colonies, order all civilian ships armed and put in several other measures to work. What about you, Shepard?"
"I will be confined to the Citadel until Sparatus comes up with something new about this summit," Shepard explains, enjoying the sour expression on Udina's face, her presence on the Citadel highly inconvenient for this posh-dressed spineless worm. "Well... I should probably get out of your hair, Councilor," she says, about to turn and leave. "Unless you have some news from Earth to share."
"There is a constant stream of news. All of it bad," Udina sighs, sitting down in his chair. "The Reapers are destroying satellites and the old nuclear missile silos, along with everything else of strategic value. At least we have a handful of quantum entanglers spread out over the continents. All other communications are dead. Horrible, but the thing about Arcturus gets me even worse. I knew most of the Alliance parliament on first name basis, and to see them gone... hell, I think I need a drink."
"Yeah. Just don't lose the sight of what needs to be done," Shepard reminds him one more time before heading for the doors, eager to finally leave the office of someone she should be able to entrust with holding the interests of humanity close to his heart. The grim reality, however, is far from it, and she knows it only too well, stepping back outside in the hallway, immediately catching Liara's face in the small waiting room nearby, intently watching the doors of the office.
"I think I could hear some of the shouting out here," she approaches Shepard, smiling, but also looking a little worried. "You won't be getting into trouble for this, I hope?"
"Nah, Udina is like a hot air balloon, harmless, overblown and soon about to crash down from great height," Shepard chuckles, staring back fondly at her lover. "So... what are our plans?"
"Yes, I... I wanted to talk to you about that, Morgan," Liara starts, looking as if she is about to say something they both aren't going to like. "I need to attend to something while we wait for Councilor Sparatus to give us information on the war summit."
"What is it?" Morgan asks, feeling a little alarmed.
"I feel like an incredibly incompetent and blind Shadow Broker, not having access to my data feeds," Liara quietly explains, leaning closer to Shepard. "I need to do something to rectify that. I need hardware and I need place aboard Normandy to set everything up. Having access to Shadow Broker resources will be useful in deciphering the Prothean blueprints, and it could give us other useful intel as well."
"Well... I can't really argue with your thinking there, Liara," Morgan smiles. "I'm not sure if I can help you with the hardware, but I'm sure we can find room on the ship. Uh, what about my quarters?"
"Oh no, no!" Liara exclaims, making Shepard wonder a little why it was such a horrible idea. "I would not dare to intrude upon you in such way. Besides, I think there are spaces better suited for what I have in mind. What about the XO office? The old quarters of Operative Lawson."
"My old place on the original Normandy..." Shepard sighs in remembrance. "But I think that's a good idea, yes. There's a lot of room and nobody's really using it for anything right now. And you're practically my XO anyway."
"I don't think the Alliance regs would agree to that," Liara grins.
"Screw them," Shepard exclaims passionately. "Everyone on the Normandy will be made aware of the fact that in my absence, you will speak for me. If someone will have a problem with that, they will be welcome to get the fuck off my ship."
Liara smiles, flattered, though a small part of her seems a little surprised at Shepard's vehemence. "Well... I should thank you for the vote of confidence, Commander," she offers a small salute. "But now... I was thinking about procuring that hardware for my new office. In the meantime, you probably want to head to the hospital and check on Kaidan."
"Yeah. Yeah... I should do that," Shepard sighs, not looking particularly happy. Liara gives her an inquisitive glance. "I miss you so badly, Liara. It seems like so much time has passed already since we ran into each other on Mars, and yet... we haven't had a minute of time for each other."
"I know. It saddens me too," Liara admits, her eyes downcast. "I will see to organize all my purchases quickly and meet you back on the Normandy? I'm sure we can find at least some time for ourselves then..."
Shepard grins, pulling Liara closer for a deep kiss full of promise for things to come, before releasing her. "Looking forward to it, babe."
Huerta Memorial is an impressive and beautiful establishment, a rare quality in hospitals. Its transparent walls allow an excellent view on the Presidium Commons below, the hospital itself stretched out like a giant glass tube connecting two sides of the Presidium. The reception is busy with nurses and doctors running around frantically, mostly asari and salarians, but plenty of humans too. With the war under way, they're probably seeing an influx of patients, Morgan thinks, slowly fighting through the crowds towards the reception desk. And these are just the first few, still calm and placid days compared to what is to come.
She has almost reached the reception, when with a corner of her eye she spots a familiar face of someone standing in the corner of the large lobby, speaking quietly with several other doctors. Shepard quickly approaches her old friend, smiling as she steps forward. "Dr. Chakwas!" she exclaims. "Karin, gods, you are alive and well!"
"Commander Shepard," Chakwas returns a warm smile, as the two women share a quick embrace. "You are a sight for sore eyes. But I want you to know that my appearance here is not a coincidence. I heard through the Alliance channels that you are coming to the Citadel, and that you had someone severely wounded onboard."
"Yes, Kaidan, I came to find out about him," Shepard replies quickly.
"I believe Dr. Michel will be able to offer more information about his condition," Chakwas points at her colleague, Shepard immediately recognizing the petite Frenchwoman who had been running the clinic down in the Wards during Morgan's first visit to the Citadel years ago.
"Good to see you, Dr. Michel," she shakes the doctor's hand. "How is Kaidan doing?"
"Commander Shepard, a pleasure," Dr. Michel replies. "Major Alenko's head trauma was severe, but we were able to reduce the swelling quickly. These types of injury can go either way. He has not regained consciousness, but his vitals are strong, which gives me cause for optimism. Would you like to see him?"
Shepard hesitates for a moment. A part of her wants to be there with Kaidan, to offer some words of support that he probably can't hear anyway, but on the other hand, she has already stood vigil next to him for hours back on the Normandy and it does not seem as if his condition has changed since then. "I... I don't think that will be necessary, Dr. Michel. However, I would like to be informed about any changes in his condition."
"Of course, Commander. I understand the Normandy is docked at the bay D24," Shepard nods at the doctor's words. "Is... Garrus still traveling with you, Commander?" Michel asks then, a little hesitantly.
"I'm afraid I have not heard from him in a while, Doctor," Shepard replies, reminded of her friend, hoping he is fine, wherever he may be. Hopefully not on Taetrus. I didn't much care for the way Sparatus looked when he mentioned that. "If I hear from him, I will pass the news over to you."
"I was... merely curious, but your words are appreciated, Commander," Michel says, turning away and leaving her alone with Dr. Chakwas.
"She really does like Garrus," Morgan whispers to Chakwas conspiringly, both of them smiling. "So, what are you doing these days, Karin?"
"I'm working at an Alliance R&D lab down in Shalta Wards, coordinating closely with Admiral Hackett," Chakwas explains.
"Pfft. Your place is on the Normandy, not some dusty old lab," Shepard scowls. "And we are short a chief medical officer. Though I guess Hackett won't like me stealing his resources..."
"Why do you think he patched the message of your escape to me?" Chakwas says. "He knows that I belong on the Normandy. Just say the word, Commander, and I will start packing my things."
"Welcome aboard, Doc," Shepard grins. "Go get your stuff, we'll talk more once you've settled in."
"Right away, Commander," Chakwas nods, turning to leave.
Well, that's our last vacancy filled, Shepard thinks, feeling far more positive. I could not have asked for anyone better than Karin. And Hackett is just... hell of a guy to even think about that and making sure we get her.
Hmm, what now. I suppose I could return to the Normandy, but I doubt Liara has made it back yet. She wanders through the hospital, some of the nurses giving her odd stares for getting in their way, but having seen her conversing with Michel, they do not protest about her presence.
She stops at one of the infirmaries, through the glass panes able to spot Kaidan lying on his bed, barely recognizing him, the hematomas making most of his face ugly color of dark purple. That looks... awful, her heart clenches from the terrible sight. Damned Garrus took a rocket to his face and still managed to look sort of handsome... for a turian.
If Kaidan dies before I can prove to him that I am still worthy of his trust... oh, Ash, if you would still be with us, this would be the perfect time to offer a prayer. It would just be so damn unfair... and we need him on the Normandy. But then again, when has life ever been fair to us? Shepard thinks, turning to leave the Huerta Memorial Hospital.
After a walk through the Presidium Commons, Shepard finally returns to the Normandy, pleased to hear that Liara has also arrived, accompanied with several mechs carrying heavy boxes down to the XO office, the asari being annoyingly tightlipped about her intentions. Much to Shepard's irritation, Liara does not respond to her banging on the doors of her quarters, her only reply asking Shepard to display a little patience until she gets everything set up and running. Frustrated, Shepard returns to her own quarters at the 'loft' of the ship, only then realizing how tremendously exhausted she is.
The Reapers hitting Earth. Escaping. The scenes of horror around me, everywhere I look. Mars Archives, Cerberus, The Illusive Man and his synthetic nearly killing Kaidan. The trip to the Citadel, talks with the Council, with Udina... all that within what... twenty hours? Twenty exhausting hours without sleep.
She falls down on the bed, unable to find any strength or patience to wait on Liara to finish her setting up of the XO quarters. Morgan's eyes close on their own accord, as her brain issues an order that she is unable to deny, demanding rest, sending her towards a few hours of fitful, uneasy sleep.
Her eyes snap open soon after falling asleep, and she quickly checks the chrono to see that she has not even slept for a couple of hours. It is one and the same recurring image in her dreams, the evac shuttles destroyed over the waters of Vancouver harbor. That boy couldn't have been more than ten. His cries still ring in Morgan's ears as he is thrown away by the blast, his clothes catching fire. 'Mommy! Mommy, help!' Then he is no more, swallowed by the waters below. I couldn't save him. I should have been able to. Should have done more, should have stayed...
Shepard's body is still crying out for rest, but her eyes are wide open and shaking with anger and anxiety she knows she won't be able to fall asleep, if only for the fear of having the dream repeat itself again. "AAAAH!" she shouts helplessly. "Get out of my head! Get the fuck out of my head..."
She angrily pulls herself up from the bed, remaining sitting on the edge, holding her head in her hands. And where the hell is Liara? Don't tell me she's still sorting out her new lair of the Shadow Broker... Shepard thinks, feeling annoyed, staggering towards the doors of her quarters and into the elevator, making her way down to the empty crew deck and to Liara's new office, starting to bang on the doors.
The asari responds quickly enough, letting her in, and Morgan almost starts to laugh seeing Liara wearing a pair of strange looking goggles. She sniffs the air, feeling a familiar scent. "What the... have you been soldering something?" she asks.
"Uh, only a little bit. I... guess I got a bit carried away, didn't I? I didn't realize it was this late," Liara admits, bashfully staring at the floor. "But I'm almost done now. What do you think?" she points at the room behind her, full with all kinds of tech, computers and consoles, at least three dozens of screens covering an entire wall of the office, very reminiscent of the old Shadow Broker ship on Hagalaz.
"Impressive, but... I think you could have finished it after getting some rest," Morgan scowls.
"I agree, I just wanted to be done with it, so that I can-"
"And what the fuck is that?" Morgan interrupts her, staring at something at the further end of the quarters. "Why the hell do you need a bed in here, the one up in my quarters is perfectly adequate."
"Well, I just thought that if I happen to be working late, I could just grab a few hours of rest here, without interrupting y-"
"Liara," Morgan growls, the asari looking at her wide eyed as Shepard simply peels the goggles off from Liara's head and casually throws them away. "Shut up. Need you. Now."
"Oh my..." Liara exclaims in surprise when Shepard musters enough energy to roughly pick the asari up in her arms and carry her towards the bed, unceremoniously dropping her into the pile of sheets before jumping on top of her.
She puts her palm against Liara's soft cheek, lowering herself down over her lover. "Do you trust me, Liara?" she asks quietly.
"With my entire being," comes the whispered reply.
"Good. I... I need something... different tonight. Please. Just trust me," Shepard speaks softly, the tip of her tongue drawing lines along Liara's neck. Her hands slip on Liara's waist, unfastening the belt and then leaning back, roughly pulling the asari's pants down before straddling her hips again. With great urgency she rips off Liara's clothing, leaving her lover exposed before her, harshly slapping away Liara's hands when she reaches out to remove Morgan's own clothing.
Still fully clothed, she proceeds to explore Liara's body, hearing her lover's sighs and whimpers as she holds Liara's hands bent behind her back, rendering her helpless to reciprocate. I am in control. I need to be in control, thoughts spin through her head as her tongue circles around Liara's bellybutton. I was helpless before the Reapers, I could do nothing. I need to feel being in control again. I need to dominate.
Only when Liara's body is already covered with sheen of perspiration and she is quietly begging for Morgan to take pity on her, does Shepard finally take off her own clothing, before settling on top of Liara, allowing her lover to finally respond with caresses. She is still pinning Liara down heavily under her, her kisses harsh and demanding, leaving tiny marks of her teeth along Liara's neck and shoulders, her hands moving across Liara's gentle curves exerting more pressure, but Liara seems to be enjoying the slightly rougher treatment, her cries of pleasure testament to that.
Eventually they cling to each other tightly, their minds finally joining in the melding, and Shepard feels the tranquil, serene essence of her lover washing over her broken, suffering, terrified spirit like an ocean of calm, easing her anxiety, soothing and healing all her raw mental scars. She can sense some of Liara's memories that are full of desperation and hopelessness, from the time before she passed through the Omega-4 relay, she can feel the worries and sadness over their forced separation, but above all she finds herself smothered in the pure love, devotion and utmost trust that Liara has blessed her with.
She is what I need, Morgan thinks, as they finally part, exhausted from the union. She is the one thing in the galaxy that I truly need. Now the sleep finally comes, claiming her swiftly, as the worst of her anxieties have evaporated during their lovemaking. As her eyes finally close to rest, she does not see the expression of shock and dismay on the face of her lover, as Liara is staring at the ceiling with her eyes wide, tears silently flowing down her cheeks.