Chapter Five

So what do you say when it's all gone away?
Baby I didn't mean to hurt you
Truth spoke in whispers will tear you apart
No matter how hard you resist it
It never rains when you want it to…
You humble me, Lord, you humble me, Lord
I'm on my knees, empty… you humble me
- "Humble Me" Norah Jones

Fitz had been on a downward spiral since learning about Olivia's engagement to Jake Ballard. His moods shifted between irritable and sullen, and he wanted no part of anything those around him offered to cheer him up. It had gotten so bad that Mellie, after repeated failed attempts to "take care of him" herself, had finally decided to consent to a divorce.

"I am sick of you trampling all over me just because it makes you feel a little better about that whore not wanting you anymore! NEWS FLASH – she's moved on! She doesn't want your sick, sad, sorry ass anymore! And I get that you don't want me, that I will never be your precious 'Livvie'. I get it and that is fine – you don't have to want me Fitzgerald Thomas Grant, III! I know exactly where to go to find someone who does. I am sick of fighting for this presidency and for you and this marriage! Do you even think you are the type of man that the great and wonderful Olivia Pope would even consider at this point?! You are pathetic, you are a loser, you are over, and I am DONE with this marriage and with you!..."

Mellie's incessant droning seemed to go on forever as Fitz poured himself another glass of bourbon and allowed his eyes to glaze over. Why couldn't she just get the hint? He didn't care about her, or about whether she left or stayed. Somewhere inside of him it registered that she had said she would go ahead with the divorce, and he made a mental note to have his attorney serve her (again) with the papers while she was still angry and irrational enough to actually make good on her threat.

Otherwise, he realized that Mellie was absolutely right about what she had said – he wasn't the man that Olivia deserved or wanted or needed, not anymore. He knew that he needed to get it together somehow… but he needed to see her. He needed to talk to Olivia face to face and finally get everything out in the open between them.

He went to the surveillance cameras and turned them on for the first time in weeks. He had not allowed himself to look at them since the night that he learned of Olivia's engagement, afraid that he would go insane if he had to continue watching her knowing that she would soon be married to someone else. He quickly ascertained her agenda for the day, and noted that Jake would be out of town for the next few days on special assignment from the Pentagon (something that he may or may not have specifically requested in a phone call to the head of the FBI earlier that morning). He decided it would be best to visit her at home, and began developing a game plan.

Olivia's heart stopped when she heard the knock on her door just after 2 am. She knew that Jake was out on a top secret assignment, and she found herself dreading answering the door for fear that there was bad news on the other side. She reached the door and peered through the peephole, her breath catching in her throat as she found Fitzgerald Grant standing on the other side. She very seriously thought about simply pretending not to be home, or to be asleep, but she knew better. She knew he wasn't leaving until he got whatever it was that he came for, and she also knew that they were well over-due for this conversation. Steeling herself, she opened the door and let Fitz in.

For several long moments, they simply stared at each other in silence. Her mind was reeling from him being in such close proximity, but she knew better than to lose herself right now. Although they had once been deeply in love, the man standing in front of her was a complete stranger. He was someone who had, many times over, hurt her in ways that were previously unimaginable, and she needed to remember that.

"What do you want, Fitz?"

Her words came out cold and guarded, and it cut him to the core. How could she be so cold after all that she had put him through? How dare she? He felt the contempt he'd held onto these last months begin to bubble up inside of him, but it stopped short of reaching the surface. He attempted a strong front, but wound up feeling and looking defeated in front of her. He could never be angry with her while she was standing in front of him, looking worried and sick and afraid, and still ethereal. She was still his beautiful angel, still the woman who was his lifeblood. He suddenly hated himself for being so weak in her presence.

"I just wanted to see you, and to ask you why you did what you did."

She had figured as much, and took a deep breath, before laying it all out there for him to see. "I did what I did, Fitz, because I was weak. I wanted something great for you, and I knew that there was no way to get you there without cheating. I was too far gone in our relationship to notice the flaws and cracks that had begun to show in the façade we created for you and Mellie until it was too late to fix it. There wasn't any other way to win, and I simply could not let you lose. I sold my soul so that you could be President, and I have lived with the guilt of that every day since."

She spoke to him so candidly that it was easy to buy into the lie. He knew better though. He knew that she had gotten something out of the deal, they all had. He needed to know if it was worth it.

"So you expect me to believe that you did all of this for me, Olivia? I'm not an idiot. I know that you all got something out of the deal. What did you get, Olivia? What did you get, and was it worth giving up what we had?"

Olivia sucked in her breath, and exhaled slowly before responding, "No, Fitz, it wasn't. What I got was a lifetime without the only man with whom I've ever experienced true, deep love with. What I got was a secret that I will have to carry to my grave. What I got was a huge black spot on my white hat that I've been trying to scrub clean ever since."

"Don't romanticize this, Olivia," Fitz started, "You also got to launch Olivia Pope and Associates to great success as soon as you left the White House. You gained fame and notoriety for having turned my campaign into a winning one, when no one else thought I was a viable enough candidate to make it past the primaries. You got much more than to see me in the White House, so please don't insult my intelligence by making it seem like you did this all for me."

"Mr. President, do you know how many calls I got to leave your campaign and go work on others, BEFORE election night ever even came to pass? Do you have any idea how many other men and women were salivating over my work o your campaign and chomping at the bit to have me come work for them next? Do you remember what I told you the first day we met? I am brilliant. I am a master of my craft. I would have started Olivia Pope and Associates regardless of the outcome of the election, and I would still be turning away clients, just as I do today. Sure, your win is a feather in my hat, but understand that my hat has many, many feathers, and you are neither the biggest nor the brightest. I did what I did for one reason, and one reason alone: Because I was in love with you and I wanted this for you. I would have walked through fire for you, and I have many times over. I…I… "

Olivia was spent. She could no longer hold it together and the weight of her confession made her falter. She collapsed onto her sofa and curled up in a ball, weeping and shaking. She couldn't believe that he could still reduce her to tears, after all of this time. She was angry and hurt and ashamed of the fact that she still loved him, in spite of everything that had happened. She had changed some, though. She knew better than to go back into this terrible thing with him again. This time she would be stronger.

So when he moved closer to her, sitting on the end of the couch and pulling her head into his lap, she readied herself for whatever came next.

"So when is the big day?" he asked, not really wanting to know the answer.

"Two months" she said, "September. His decision, not mine."

She knew when he took the sharp intake of breath that he remembered their talks on the trail about their wedding day. She allowed herself to think back to those languid nights in hotel rooms across the country, talking about the life they would have together some day. They talked about a simple summer wedding in the fields of the Grant ranch in front of no more than ten of their closest family and friends. They talked about retiring to a small cottage in the country for their honeymoon, and later raising children and growing old together. Living the simple life of normal Americans. They had dreamed recklessly about the kind of world they could have together one day, without giving any thought to what their lives would actually be like. Never in all of their dreaming had they imagined the pile of secrets and lies that would become their lives.

Finally, the gravity of their situation became too much for them, and Fitz knew it was time to go. As he prepared himself to leave, Olivia grabbed his hand and pulled him closer to her. He knew what she needed before she even asked, and it was the one thing that, no matter what, he would never deny her.

"One minute."