Chapter Six

Too long we've been denying, now we're both tired of trying
We hit a wall and we can't get over it
Nothing left to relive, it's water under the bridge
You said it, I get it
I guess it is what it is

- "It Is What It Is" Lifehouse

Olivia and Jake were married in a beautiful ceremony inside his mother's church. It was a tasteful wedding, if not a little boisterous for her liking, and they both seemed to be happy. Unbeknownst to anyone in the party, Fitz had made it his mission to attend the wedding, and to, in his own way, support Olivia on her big day. He stood in the shadows of the balcony of the church, where no one else had been allowed to be, and he looked down on her as she took her vows, fantasizing that it was he who was standing in front of her. Later he watched as she danced and sang with her friends and her new husband, and he felt a wave of sadness overtake him. He missed her, but he understood that things would not be the same between them anymore. With that, he walked away, and allowed her the chance to be happy.

And Olivia was happy with Jake, for quite some time. Months morphed into years, and before she knew it they were getting ready to celebrate their third anniversary with one another. Although it was still several months away, Olivia began preparing a special trip for her and Jake to take as her gift to him. She immersed herself in her planning, as she did everything these days. This, she had found, was the only way to truly keep Fitz off her mind. Sure, she was happy and she loved her husband, but she'd be lying to herself if she said that she wasn't haunted by thoughts of what could have been with the man she once said she would love forever. This was dangerous territory, though, and she did her best to avoid letting her mind go there.

One morning, in the midst of planning and doing some work, Olivia was startled by the sound of her doorbell ringing. Jake was gone for the day, and she had decided to work from home instead of going to the office, wanting a bit of quiet and relaxation that day. When she went to the door, she saw Tom – Fitz's Secret Service agent and right-hand man – standing in front of her, and she nearly fell to the floor. "I cannot handle this right now" she thought to herself, and yet she opened the door anyway, bracing herself for what came next.

Olivia had been prepared to argue with Tom about some arbitrary summons from the President, but stopped short when she saw that he had a letter in his hand. He smiled at her and, before she was able to say anything, presented her with the letter before wordlessly walking away and disappearing from sight. She looked after Tom for a moment, dumbfounded, before closing the door and returning to her desk. She closed her eyes for a moment, relishing in the mixture of excitement and fear that she felt as she held the heavy envelope in her hand. Though she knew rationally the thing on weight a few ounces, in her hands it felt more like a hundred pounds. She knew that whatever was inside was from Fitz, and she wasn't sure if she was strong enough to read whatever it was he felt he needed to say to her. She had long since worked through her feelings of hate for the man, and had let them go as she moved on with her life. The feelings of love that she had for him, though, were compartmentalized deep within the crevices of her mind. There was no way that she would ever be able to stop feeling them, but she had taught herself how to lock them away and ignore them. Pretending that she didn't feel anything for Fitz anymore was as close as she could get to actually not feeling anything for him, and it had served her well enough over the last three years.

She knew that opening this letter would mean letting her guard down enough for all of those feelings to come spewing out again, and she wasn't sure she was ready for that. But then, how could she not at least read whatever it was that he had to say? Gingerly she took the letter and opened it, and began reading:

Livvie,

I've thought long and hard about what I have wanted to say to you over the last few years. I never dreamed that we would get to this point, where we are strangers leading completely separate lives. I always hoped that we would one day, somehow wind up together in the end. Now, I see that we will not. I am glad that you are happy, and I wish you the best in your new life with your husband.

I also want you to know that you have had a profound impact on me and my life. When I met you, I was a shell of a man. I had no purpose or direction of my own, and I was simply going through the motions of what was expected of me. After we parted ways I went back to that for awhile, but I found that I was not able to, no matter how hard I tried. See, the thing about a love like ours is that it changes you, all the way to your core. You have touched me in ways that you cannot imagine, and have changed me forever. Even now, knowing that you are no longer mine, I still find myself striving to be a better man, to be the man you loved and believed that I could be all those years ago. I've divorced Mellie, and now I'm looking at the end of my Presidency. I am trying to decide what it is that I want to do next, all on my own. Novel idea, huh?

I also want you to know that I don't hate you, and I suppose that I never really did. I was hurting for so long because I felt betrayed by the only person that ever really cared for me. What you did… I thought that it meant that you didn't believe in me, that you didn't care about me, and that everything that we shared was a lie. I know that isn't true anymore, because a love this deep is not something that is built in a vacuum. I know because of my love for how much you loved me. I forgive you, Olivia, for what you did, and I hope that one day you will be able to forgive me as well.

Whether we ever will meet again, I am not sure. What I am sure of, though, is that I love you, and I will love you, for all of my life.

Be happy Livvie, you deserve that.

Fitz

Olivia couldn't stop the tears that fell as she read and re-read Fitz's letter. She did love him so much, and to know that he still loved her after all this time was enough to push her over the edge. She had to remind herself that she was a married woman with a wonderful husband, and that she was supposed to be planning a surprise for their three year anniversary. She pulled herself together and busied herself with making more plans.

But Olivia couldn't close that door once she had opened it again. Over the next few days she found herself re-reading Fitz's letter and daydreaming about days' past. At night she slept fitfully, and his face haunted her dreams as well.

If Jake noticed that anything was wrong with Olivia, he didn't say so, and she was sure that all would be forgotten by the time their trip arrived. She threw herself into her work, all the way up until the week before her anniversary and did her best to convince herself and everyone else around her that all was right with the world.

A few days before their anniversary, Jake told Olivia that he would like to exchange gifts early. She was a bit confused, but agreed, and went to grab the itinerary that she had wrapped up for him. When she came back, they each exchanged gifts, each giving each other a document envelope with a bow on top. Olivia opened hers first, sure that Jake had had the same idea as she and hoping that their trips would not overlap in dates.

What she found inside the envelope however, made her stagger and drop it to the floor in horror. Jake had served her with divorce papers!

On the floor reeling, she tried her best to stave off the urge to vomit. How could he have done this to her? Why would he? She thought that he loved her – Why would he not want her anymore?

As she began to break down in sobs, Jake found his way to the floor and wrapped his arms around his devastated wife. He held her close, and allowed her to get out all the anger and hurt that he felt at her gift. He knew that she wouldn't immediately understand, but he did not expect her to fall apart this way.

As she mumbled to herself, lamenting over and over "Why?" Jake began to try and explain.

"Olivia, I love you. I love you more than anything else in my life. You have made me a very happy man over the last three years, and I want you to know that every day I look at you and think about how lucky I am that this amazing, beautiful woman is married to me"

"Then WHY, " she sobbed, "Why would you do this to me now? Why would you break me this way? How could you be so cruel?"

"Because you don't love me the same way that I love you. I know that you love me, and I have no doubt that you would be content to stay with me forever. But we both know that I am not the man who comes first in your heart. I've heard you saying his name in your sleep at night, and I see the way you gaze off sometimes when someone says his name. You've never looked at me that way, and I know that you never will. I love you with all of my heart, Olivia, but you and I both deserve better. We both deserve the kind of love that sets us on fire, not just the kind that we can be content with."

"Have you found someone else?" she dared to ask, not that it would hurt any less if he hadn't.

"No, Olivia, I have not. I've been true to you throughout our marriage, and I know that you have been faithful to me as well. You've been a great wife, and everything that I could have wanted in a woman. But I'm not willing to continue cheating us both by keeping us in this relationship that is just 'good enough'. I want better for me, and I want better for you. We love each other, but we aren't IN love with each other anymore, and I'm not entirely sure that we ever were. I know what you had planned for our vacation, and I think that it would be best if you go ahead to the vineyard alone. I'll have everything out of here by the time you get back."

With that, Jake picked her up and took her to the bed, laying her there to rest awhile while he got his overnight bag from the closet. He walked over to her and gently kissed her forehead, thinking that she had fallen asleep. As he turned to walk away, he heard her call after him quietly, "I still love you Jake Ballard."

"I know," he said quietly, "but you love him more."