And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
~ Mad World, Tears for Fears
Danny Reyes rightfully belongs at Keystone University in Judas Kiss. I'm just borrowing him. :)
Touch
It's early, 2 am, and Danny finally comes to bed. He's been avoiding Ivo of late, since Vancouver. They don't talk about it but he knows Ivo is watching him closely. He can't tell him, can't find the words to say what he is really feeling. He isn't quite sure what is going on with him. He just knows he doesn't want to be touched.
He used to long for it, the comfort of human contact to erase the loneliness that plagues him. With Ivo that loneliness had disappeared. He used to love nestling down in Ivo's soft bed and making love at all hours of the day. He thought to himself that, back then, he couldn't even remember what it felt like - being so alone he wanted to die. And then all of a sudden the feeling returned, now with Ivo more so than away from him.
He hates the feel of the other older man's body on his, hates the touch of his lips and the pressure of his groping hands. The thought makes him physically ill.
He feels assaulted.
He shivers as he pulls the covers up tight around his neck, praying he didn't wake him. He should have stayed on the couch but that would bring confrontation, something he fears as much as touch. It's best that these matters remain unspoken.
Ivo turns over and Danny freezes, willing him to stay away. But it comes – the soft arm across his stomach, gentle fingers pushing his hair back, a whisper of a kiss on his shoulder. He wants to jump out of bed and run screaming out of the house. He wants to take a knife and stab Ivo and feel the victory of blood spilling. He wants to die.
He lies there, his heart thundering in his head. He can't breathe, fearing that even that natural movement might invite further unwanted touches. The warmth of Ivo's breath through his thick shirt makes him shudder again. Unconsciously he's braced himself for what comes next but it doesn't come at all. Ivo lies silently beside him, trying to fall asleep.
Danny offers up a silent prayer of thanks to whoever up there might be watching out for him. It was closer tonight than he even wants to think about. It might have happened.
He swallows hard.
But he can't tell Ivo, can't even bring himself to admit that this reminds him too much of his father.
Telling him what a good boy he was.