Chapter 78 - Beset by Wickedness and Contention
How did it come to this? That is the one single thought on Commander Morgan Shepard's mind, as she sits by the hospital bed where her bondmate is resting, sleeping peacefully after almost two hours in surgery, two hours that to Morgan felt like an eternity. The anesthetics will keep Liara asleep for at least six more hours, and the doctors tell her that the asari's condition is no longer critical and life threatening, but Shepard finds it impossible to leave her. There's no place else I would rather be than by her side, anyway.
After Mordin's death, her fears of losing another squadmate, another friend, have become difficult to control, to the point where she often catches herself almost making strategically unsound decisions, with the single intent to limit the danger that her squad is exposed to. And despite her best efforts, she has come close to lose three of them on a single day, including the light of her life, the single bright star amongst her darkening sky.
Liara's sacrifice had been a calculated risk, knowing that without her shields up, Kaidan's shot would have likely been fatal to Morgan. The asari had been counting on her biotic barriers to absorb the worst of the attack, but she could have never predicted Kaidan's pistol being heavily modded to make it particularly effective against this type of shielding. This was the first time that Liara has come so close to dying on her watch. If I hadn't so stupidly exposed myself, hoping Kaidan would see reason, she wouldn't have felt the necessity to do this, Morgan realizes.
But at least Liara is now out of danger and will make swift and full recovery, according to the doctors. It's actually rather remarkable that it happens only now, with the amount of danger I constantly expose her to, Morgan thinks to herself. Maybe I'm not so horrible at protecting her as waiting all those hours while she was in surgery made me feel...
And Thane is still undergoing his surgery as well, the doctors struggling to repair the lung ruined by the black-clad assassin's sword. They have managed to track down his son, Kolyat, the young drell looking shaken both from seeing his father balancing on the edge of death, and from donating a generous amount of blood for transfusion. Even if Thane would survive his surgery, Morgan is well aware that the loss of blood would likely advance his Kepral Syndrome to fatal stage. Whether she wants it or not, she will lose another friend in the few coming days, there are no ways to avoid it and this time she is helpless and unable to change the inevitable.
Kaidan has been taken out of his surgery fifteen minutes ago. He was fully conscious as the nurses pushed him by towards another infirmary ward, Major Alenko raising his head despite the doctor's protests not to overextend himself, and for a moment their eyes had met. Shepard had never seen a look so pained and haunted in her life. His eyes had screamed 'Good lord, what have I done?', making Shepard nearly forget that her old friend had shot Liara just scant hours before.
What should I consider you now, Kaidan, a friend or an enemy? You did not want this to happen, I know you did not, you could not have seen what was going behind your back, you just saw me taking a shot at one of the councilors and you reacted. Liara will live and will forgive you, because she is a kinder soul than I am, and in time I will be able to forgive as well. But will I be ever able to trust you again? You injured my bondmate. You took a shot at me with intent to kill. How do we move past that?
She remembers the look in Kaidan's eyes. Someone must have told him the truth about Udina, the fact that he had been played for a fool. I saw a man who knew he would never be able to forgive himself for what he has done. I cannot truly wish him ill, considering the burden that he will bear now. With time, we must find it in our hearts to forgive and hope that it will help him find peace with himself, Morgan realizes, knowing with certainty that she would never be as forgiving if Liara had succumbed to her injuries.
The councilors had also visited and left about half an hour ago, for once the three of them appearing quiet and grateful, having lost their unapproachable air of superiority. Valern had expressed great sadness when learning of Thane's condition, promising that the drell would be honored for his sacrifice in saving the councilor of the Salarian Union, posthumously, if he would not survive his surgery.
Sparatus had been apologetic and upset, intent on stripping Kaidan of his Spectre status, claiming that ignoring a direct order to stand down given by a councilor, and then attempting to kill a fellow Spectre, showed unacceptable error of judgment. Shepard had thought about protesting, fearing that the action would push Kaidan further off the edge, but in the end, she knew that Sparatus was right. Udina had never invited Alenko to join Spectres because he believed that Kaidan was worthy of the honor. After Shepard had reignited her fiery feud with Udina a few weeks ago, the councilor had been looking for ways to pay back for the suffered humiliation, finding the means in Kaidan.
That was another reason why Morgan found that she could not hate Kaidan. He was an instrument of revenge, merely a tool. He was almost as much a victim as she or Liara were.
Tevos had been present as well, spending most of her time standing next to Liara's bed. "Benezia's death left a great void amongst our people. She was kind, wise, beautiful and she was well respected," she speaks, looking at Shepard, her eyes full with rarely observed emotion. "But Liara..." Tevos' palm briefly rests on the sleeping asari's brow. "She will grow to fill that void. She already has done so."
Councilor Tevos looks at Shepard again. "That was why I disliked you so intensely at the beginning, Shepard. I thought that you were stealing away that which belonged to us, that you would take her away from her people, risk her life in one of your crusades. I could not stand the thought of Benezia's daughter constantly exposed to mortal danger." She takes Liara's hand again, smiling softly. "She is destined for greatness, Shepard. Liara T'Soni will be amongst the most famous asari that the galaxy has known, perhaps the greatest of them all. And I thought that you did not deserve her. But I was wrong. You are worthy of each other."
Shepard had simply tried to swallow the heavy lump in her throat, only managing a small smile in reply to the councilor, too stunned by the unexpected but appreciated kindness Tevos had bestowed on her and Liara. The councilors had left soon afterwards, escorted by a small army of C-Sec officers, leaving Shepard alone with her thoughts and waiting for Liara to finally open her eyes and bless her with one of those tender, enigmatic smiles on her indigo lips.
"How are you, Shepard?" Morgan doesn't even turn to look back at Garrus, the turian also finding himself unwilling to leave the hospital. Unlike Morgan, however, he is unable to simply sit by Liara, he is pacing around animatedly the whole time, earning angry glares from every nurse in the hospital, constantly demanding the status updates on the patients he is concerned about.
"Uncomfortably numb," Morgan confesses, after some consideration. "Frankly, I don't know what to think, Garrus. Part of me is relieved that Liara will make a swift recovery, but..."
"Thane is dying," Garrus says simply, not mincing any words. "As for Kaidan... I don't know Shepard, I just don't know anymore. How did we come to this?"
"Wish I had an answer to that, Garrus," Morgan shakes her head sadly. "While we were curing the genophage, Udina was free to sink his fangs into Kaidan, and there was nothing we could do about it. Perhaps if I had been more agreeable with him in the past, he would not have believed Udina as readily."
"I thought we were friends, Kaidan and I," Garrus finally grabs a chair and sits down heavily. "I'm not sure if that was still the case after Horizon, but... Shepard, I just shot a friend. The hostilities had ceased, Kaidan was no longer a threat when I fired at him. By the spirits, what possessed me to do that?"
"You clearly didn't shoot him with intent to kill, Garrus. If you had, he would be dead," Morgan tells him. "Instinctively, you must have still feared that he might be a threat and tried to protect us. Or... maybe you were so angry you just wanted to hurt him."
Garrus winces when he hears Shepard's words. "That last possibility is the one that disturbs me. It should have never happened."
"I think we all lost a little of ourselves today, Garrus," Shepard responds heavily. "I'm still searching for answers myself, and I don't actually expect to find them. So don't look at me for words of wisdom. You already witnessed my spectacular failure at diplomacy."
"It wasn't your fault, Shepard."
"Just... go back to the ship and rest, Garrus," she shrugs tiredly. "There's no use for you to be stuck here."
"I can't, I just feel there's something I should do..." the turian looks at her, appearing deeply unhappy.
"C'mon Garrus, don't make me pull rank on you," Shepard gives him a hard stare. "If you don't want to return to the Normandy, do something else, help Bailey with securing the station or... well, anything really!"
"Fine. Fine, Shepard, I'm going," Garrus mutters and withdraws, shoulders slightly slumped, as Morgan allows herself a small sigh as she watches her friend leaving.
Nothing changes for several hours as she simply sits there, running different scenarios in her head, thinking what she could have done differently to prevent this. Maybe I should have just shot Kaidan first, without bothering with words. A quick, clinical shot to the right shoulder, just to disarm him, I could have pulled it off, easily. It would have been just between us, then, without involving the others into this mess. But I wanted to talk things through. I gave Udina the opportunity to tip my hand. The little hateful bastard succeeded in turning us against each other, but at least we did not give him the pleasure to see us kill one another.
More time passes, and at some point she is pulled away from Liara's bed by a very tired looking Commander Bailey, the man looking as if has aged by at least a decade, several new creases in his brow and the hair at his temples having gone completely white. "I knew that sooner or later the war will find its way to the Citadel, but I never imagined it would be Cerberus attacking, not the Reapers," he says, as they hold a private conversation in one of the many storerooms of the hospital. "This is just insane. Udina in league with Cerberus? Trying to murder the Council? I can't wrap my head around it."
"I know what you mean," Morgan nods. "I can easily see Udina being rotten, but to go this far... it's crazy, even for him." She pauses, looking at Bailey. "How bad is it out there?"
"The losses have been staggering, amongst the civilians and especially for the C-Sec. We are heavily undermanned to defend the station from another attack, Shepard," Bailey admits.
"Crazy bastards," Morgan swears. "You could try recruiting from the refugees, Bailey. There are a whole lot of injured war vets itching to get back into action."
"That thought crossed my mind, and I will look into it, Shepard. But... Cerberus sent their squads to make sweeps through refugee camps as well," Bailey says, looking grim. "It is not a pretty sight, Shepard. There are a lot of dead people down there. I can't believe I'm saying this, but not only do we suddenly have a lot of room to accommodate the refugees, now we need more of them to pour in!"
"Which they will no longer do, now that they have heard that a small terrorist group like Cerberus almost succeeded in their coup to take over the Citadel. They will pour over to the Sanctuary instead. Hell, I don't even know why this place had such an air of invulnerability about it in the first place, Bailey," she looks at him, frustrated. "Are people so stupid to have forgotten Sovereign already? Citadel is not a safe haven!"
"I hear you, Shepard, but right now I could use some who are still thinking that," Bailey shakes his head. "At least the structural damage will be repaired in a few weeks, the keepers are already busy at work."
"Did Garrus tell you that some of the C-Sec officers were killed by Cerberus sleeper agents?" Morgan asks.
Bailey grunts in disgust. "Yeah, we're already looking into that. Hell of a task. Makes me really hate my job. I'd like to hope they all died in the fighting, but I'm not as naive to truly believe that."
"You can't afford to lose more people, but it needs to be done," Morgan says grimly.
"Yeah," Commander Armando Bailey agrees. "Well, anyway, I won't hold you up any more than necessary. I hope that your... uh... what do they call..."
Morgan manages a smile. "Bondmate, Bailey."
"Oh... yes, bondmate, I hope she makes a full recovery. I understand the doctors are optimistic," Bailey says. "As for your drell friend... just saw them finish up the surgery, but..."
"Yeah... I know..." Morgan sighs, as they step back outside in the busy hallways of the hospital, Bailey shaking her hand and returning back to his unenviable job to restore order to the Citadel. Upon return to Liara's ward, Shepard is delighted to see the asari awake and quietly conversing with Dr. Chloe Michel, busy taking scans to check Liara's condition.
"Hey there," Morgan greets her, watching smile blossom on Liara's lips.
"Hey, yourself," her lover replies softly. "I apologize for making you worry about me, Morgan. I'm not sorry for saving your life, though. Because that is what I did."
"I know. I wasn't going to berate you for what you did," Morgan nods, then turning towards Dr. Michel. "What's the plan here, Doctor? I imagine you'll want to keep her at the hospital overnight, even if Normandy's medical facilities are state-of-art?"
"That would be highly recommended, Commander. I would have said several days at the very least, but I expect to meet with stern resistance," Michel says, smiling thinly, then turning back towards Liara. "Also I believe congratulations are in order?"
"What?" Morgan asks.
"The good doctor means the successful surgery and my swift recovery," Liara says quickly.
Michel looks a little taken aback, but then nods and smiles. "Yes, yes, that is exactly what I meant."
"Err, alright?" Morgan shrugs, wondering a little about Michel's strange behavior, but then quickly forgetting all about it, too exhilarated about Liara finally being out of danger and returned to her. "What a messed up day, huh?" she turns to Liara, after Michel has left them alone.
"Is Kaidan..."
"He's alive. They placed him in another ward here," Morgan returns abruptly. "Garrus shot him and Aria whacked him into the wall with her biotics."
"I feel sorry for him," Liara shakes her head slowly. "I can only imagine how he feels, realizing that he has been fooled so badly to turn on his own friends, it must be horrible."
Yup, just as I expected, she gets shot and she ends up feeling sorry for the one who shot her, Morgan thinks, unable to keep herself from smiling. "Just take care when you're speaking with him, Liara," she says.
"What makes you think I intended to speak with him?" Liara asks, curious.
"Because I know you, babe," Morgan grins at her, but before she can say anything else, Dr. Chloe Michel walks back into the ward and interrupts her, motioning for Shepard to approach her.
"It's about your friend... Tannor Nuara? Why do I have a feeling that it is not his real name," Michel shakes his head. "Not that it matters. We have repaired the damage to his lungs, but the surgery and the loss of blood has left him so weakened that his system simply is unable to recover from the shock. And he has refused life support."
"How long?" Morgan asks hoarsely.
"Any moment now, Commander," Michel shakes her head. "He and his son have expressed a wish for you to be there, if you would agree to honor them with your presence."
"Of course," Morgan nods, looking back at Liara. "I'm sorry, babe, I'm going to leave you for a bit. Checking on Thane briefly." Liara nods back at her and smiles, as Michel leads her away to the intensive care where Thane is resting, his son Kolyat standing at the foot of his bed, his hands clasped in a silent prayer.
As Shepard walks into the room and looks at Thane, her first instinct is to recoil from the horrible sight. The drell's skin looks parched and pale green, as if it has shrunken, making Thane look like a husk. As he knocks away the oxygen mask on his face and slowly rolls his head to look upon her, Shepard notices how unnaturally sharp his cheekbones look, as if they are about to cut through and protrude through his shrinking skin.
"Commander," Thane manages to speak, though it is clear that it is taking him his last reserves of strength. "I'm afraid I... won't be joining you, after all..."
"You've helped more than enough already, Thane," Shepard allows herself a sad smile. "The salarians call you a hero and plan on a statue or some kind of monument..."
"That assassin should be ashamed," Thane says quietly. "A terminally ill drell stopped him from reaching his target."
"He should be even more embarrassed for using a sodding sword," Morgan shakes her head. "But yes, everyone's talking about it. Wherever our black-clad friend is hiding right now, his cheeks are burning in shame."
"Shepard. There is a reason I called you. Something I must do before it gets worse, I must-..." Thane cannot finish, his body seized by coughing fit. Kolyat places a clean blanket against his father's lips, and when the coughing passes, he takes the cloth away, now covered with flecks of blood.
Thane waits for a while, gathering his remaining strength. When he resumes speaking, his voice is quiet in reverent prayer. "Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depths, I ask for forgiveness. Kalahira, whose waves wear down stone and sand..." the coughing interrupts him again, and Kolyat takes over the prayer.
"Kalahira, wash the sins from this one, and set him on the distant shore of the infinite spirit," Thane's son speaks.
Thane looks at him approvingly. "Kolyat... you speak as the priests do. You have been spending time with them. It pleases me."
Kolyat nods and slowly approaches Shepard, reaching out and pressing something in her hand. She takes it, a small prayer book. "Commander, would you care to join us?" he asks. Shepard nods, and Kolyat helps her, flipping the pages until he finds the right passage.
"Kalahira, this one's heart is pure, but beset by wickedness and contention," Kolyat starts the new verse of the prayer, then urging her to read the next passage.
"Guide this one to where the traveler never tires, the lover never leaves, the hungry never starve," she reads aloud. "Guide this one, Kalahira, and she will be a companion to you, as she was to me." They stand silent for a while, until Morgan realizes. "That was... for me, wasn't it?"
But Thane does not reply. His unseeing eyes are turned towards the ceiling, as Kolyat approaches him with shaking steps, putting his hand on his father's brow and then gently closing his eyes forever. "That was his last wish," Kolyat says quietly. "To offer a prayer for your soul."
"Goodbye, Thane. And thank you," she says, moved by the prayer. Beset by wickedness and contention. I guess you could say that. But perhaps I should have asked Kalahira to wash away my sins, too. If only it would be as easy as that...
"I thank you for coming, Commander," Kolyat says, his tired demeanor suggesting that he wishes to remain alone with his father. "Having you here in his last moments, giving him the opportunity to pray for you... it meant so much to him."
"Will you be... taking him back to Kahje for funeral?" Shepard asks. Kolyat simply nods without answering. "Then I wish you the best in surviving this terrible war, Kolyat. May we meet in better times."
She steps out of the intensive care, remaining standing with her back against the wall, expecting herself to burst into tears from the crushing sadness, but finding herself unable to reach this release. She has gone through too much for one day, her emotions completely exhausted, and she feels like only an empty shell of herself has remained, one that cannot process emotional response, dull to sense of loss, pain, suffering.
Death has claimed another friend on this day, and deep inside she knows that it won't be the last. But right now this grim realization fails to invoke fear or any other emotion in her, there is simply resignation to this inevitability. And an overwhelming sense of emptiness.