Hello readers :D I hope you all enjoyed the last chapter..sorry to leave you on a cliffhanger, but I tried to update as soon as I could. Please review :) Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Claire motions for Dean to move back as she grabs the defibrillator, charges them, and presses them to Sam's chest to deliver an electrical shock to his heart.
She then looks over at the monitors. No change. "Step on it, Mike, this kid needs to be in the hospital, now!"
Dean watches helplessly as Claire shocks his brother's body again. He can't stop the tears, as he asks Kate. "What's happening?"
"Sam's heart stopped, probably because of the blood loss. I've gotten it started again, but he's still in critical condition." She replies after a moment, and before she does, she calls out to her partner. "He's back into sinus rhythm."
Dean hears her reassuring words, but all he can think is.
How could I let this happen?
Why did he do this?
Could I have stopped it?
Is he gonna die?
A million thoughts race through the Winchester's head as he stares down at his brother's motionless body. He looks so pale. Sam isn't supposed to look like that. Ever. Dean should have stopped this. He shouldn't have let it get this far.
They arrive at MedStar Medical Center, about five minutes later. The paramedics rush Sam straight into a treatment room.
Dean is running alongside the gurney, holding Sam's hand. "It's ok, Sam. I'm here."
Dean continues to try to follow, but an orderly help a nurse hold him back.
Dean kicks out, and tries to get away from them. "Let me go! I've gotta stay with Sam!"
Obviously, the staff is used to this sort of thing, and the nurse calmly tells Dean. "Calm down. You need to take a seat in the waiting room, and as soon as Sam is stable, someone will come get you. But if you don't settle down, you will have to leave."
The threat of being taken even further away from his brother does the trick, and Dean stops fighting.
The nurse motions to the orderly to release him, and step back as she asks. "What's your name kid? Where are your parents? I'll need to call them."
"Already told the 'medics, name's Dean, and I'll call my Dad." Dean says shortly. Why does this matter when his brother is lying in a hospital after trying to fucking kill himself?!
The nurse is surprised by his attitude, but keeping calm, she says. "Okay. If you want to come with me, you can use the phone at the desk."
Dean merely nods, which is pointless because he has a phone. But all Dean can focus on is Sam so he follows her over to the nurses' station. She hands him a phone, and he quickly types the motel room that is filled with horrible memories.
John answers after several rings. "Yeah?"
Dean can tell straight away that John wants nothing to do with what happened. "Dad. Um..." At this moment all Dean wants to do is cry, and beg his father to come to the hospital and take care of everything, but after taking a breath to calm himself, Dean says. "You need to come, Dad-"
John interrupts his son, he is at a bar , just wants to be left alone and doesn't want to hear about whatever Dean is calling about. Dean probably wants to talk more about what happened earlier. "I'm busy, Dean. Can't you handle whatever's going on?"
Dean doesn't know how else to get through to his stubborn bastard of a father, so he simply tells him. "We're at the hospital. Sam tried to kill himself, Dad."
"What?" John questions. He must have heard wrong, Sam would never do that.
Dean sighs sadly as he repeats. "Sam tried to kill himself."
Dean can hear John put the phone down, and swear a lot before coming back on the line. "How?"
"I found him in the bathroom, he slit his wrists. There was so much blood, Dad. And I can't believe I didn't notice before, but he's gotten really thin Dad, really thin. I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't listen. And then i went for a walk and-"
"What! Why would you leave him alone?"
"Dad-"
"Damn Dean, I thought you could take care of him." John says, the disappointment clear in his voice.
"Are you kidding me? You know one of the reason he did this-"
"Dean. Don't start. What hospital are you at?"
"MedStar Medical Center, it's near our motel."
"I'll be there soon, Dean." John says quickly before hanging up.
As Dean hears the call end, he turns around to face the nurse, and tells her. "He'll be here soon."
"Good." She replies simply, hiding her true opinion - these boys are just kids, what's their dad doing leaving them alone?
Dean then asks. "Can I see Sammy now?"
The nurse thinks for a moment before answering. "I'm not sure. How about you go to the waiting room, I'll go check on how Sam is doing? If his doctor agrees, I'll take you to see him."
Not like I really have choice here. Dean thinks before replying. "Fine." And following the nurse to the waiting room.
It takes over an hour and a half for the nurse to return, and by then Dean is looking about ready to kill the next staff member who walks through the doors without news on his brother.
The nurse walks over to Dean, and tells him. "Sorry to keep you waiting, Dean. We're very busy today." She takes a seat, and motions for Dean to sit beside her, being as exhausted as he is, Dean sits down. "I spoke to our pediatric intensivist, Dr Wilkes; he's overseeing Sam's care. Sam has been moved upstairs to the pediatric intensive care unit."
"Intensive care?" Dean asks weakly. My brother's in the ICU! How could I have screwed up so fucking badly?!
The nurse looks at Dean sympathetically. "Yes. He lost over half his total blood volume, and that caused his heart to stop, twice. They've stabilized him, but Sam is still in an extremely critical condition. He's lucky to be alive."
Dean can only nod in acknowledgement.
"You can go see him if you like, but only for a minute."
Again, Dean nods. He then follows the nurse towards the elevators.
About five minutes later, Dean reaches the nurses' station, and is promptly introduced to Sam's nurse, Alex. She then takes him into a small family room, and sits down with him. "Dean, I just wanted to take a minute to speak with you before you go see Sam."
Dean says nothing; he still can't believe what's happened.
Alex then tells him. "Sam is in a critical condition. He can't breathe for himself, so he's currently on a ventilator, but if he doesn't have any complications, he shouldn't be on that for long. And there is a number of other machines and pieces of medical equipment in Sam's room, try not to worry about it, it is all there to help him."
All Dean wants to do, all he needs to do, is see Sam, to apologize for not helping Sam sooner. "Can I see Sam now?"
Alex nods, and stands up as she says. "Sure, follow me."
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John stops at the motel before going to the hospital. Upon entering the room, John is stunned at the sight before him. Blood is everywhere, the carpet outside the bathroom is soaked, and generally the whole room is filthy. John is suddenly hit with a pang of guilt. Did i cause Sam to do this? Damn kid! Does he think at all before he does something stupid?!
He doesn't even bother going into the bathroom, he just grabs a bottle of whiskey, sits down at the table, and drains what's left of the bottle in just a few gulps before walking back out of the room. Cursing his sons under his breath as he does so.
John arrives at the hospital about ten minutes later, Dean is sitting in the pediatric intensive care waiting room, still dressed in the soaked, bloodied clothes he was wearing when he found Sam. He's fighting not to fall asleep, even though his body is craving rest.
John strides into the room, and angrily stands in front of Dean, who hasn't even noticed him, and says. "Dean."
Dean jumps in surprise; he hadn't even heard John walk up to him. He then turns to look at his father, trying not to turn away when he's assaulted by the strong smell of alcohol on his breath, not for the first time in the past couple of years. "Dad." His voice is hoarse, John figures that he has been crying, but even that doesn't make him understand the severity of the situation.
"How long is this going to take? I need to get back to the hunt." John questions heartlessly.
Dean hates his dad when he is drunk. John doesn't seem to care about anything right now. He sighs sadly, tiredly, as he answers. "Sammy's in the ICU, he isn't going anywhere soon." Then, gaining strength, and anger at his father's lack of concern, Dean stands up, and yells at his father. "How can you even think about a hunt now?!"
"People are dying, son. It's more important than Sam's little stunt."
Upon hearing this, Dean is seeing red. "How can you even fucking say that?!" He shoves John as he says. "Your son tried to kill himself, he is in the ICU, not even able to breathe for his goddamned self! And you think this was just to get attention!?"
John is furious at Dean. How dare he?! And in a fit of rage, he pushes Dean to the floor, and doesn't even notice when he doesn't get back up, as he storms over to the nurses' station, and demands to see his child.
The nursing staff, unaware that he anything more than a worried parent, let him straight through. And a moment later, John is standing at his youngest son's bedside.
He is taken aback by the sight of the ventilator, and various pieces of medical equipment surrounding the bed, but in his rage he can't stop to think that Sam could have done this for a much more serious reason than attention seeking.
John pulls a chair up to the bed side, and settles in for a long wait. The moment Sam wakes up, he's going to hear exactly what John thinks about this.
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Dean is shocked that his father just pushed him, but that is typical drunk John. Walking outside, Dean retrieves his phone from his pocket. He dials the number of the one person who has been a parent to him and Sammy more than John.
A gruff voice answers, "Bobby Singer."
"Bobby."
The old man must have heard the shakiness in Dean's voice. "Dean. What's wrong? Are you ok?"
"No." Dean states, tears forming in his eyes. How did this happen? How did everything get so fucked up?
"Dammit, Dean. Tell me what's wrong? Did something happen to Sam?"
"Yes," Deans chokes out, now sobbing. "It's bad, Bobby. Please come."
"Isn't your dad there?"
"Yes..but..Please, Bobby. We are at the MedStar hospital."
Shit. "Alright, son. I'll be there as soon as I can." Bobby hangs up the phone, knowing exactly where they are due to speaking with John a few days ago. Sam and Dean are like sons to Bobby. If something happened, he needs to be there. Especially, if it's something that Dean seems to want him to take care of more than John.
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When Dean finally returned to the room John was gone. Probably went to drink again. Dean couldn't care less right now. All he cares about is Sam.
Dean is pulled from his thoughts when Sam suddenly moans. Dean's hand was on his forehead, a familiar warmth and pressure that Sam couldn't help leaning into. "Sam. Hey," he said, relief heavy in his voice. "Sam, don't try and talk, okay? They'll get the breathing tube out before you know it, man, you just need to hang tight. You're gonna be okay, all right? Sam. You hearing me? Don't talk, don't move your head, just squeeze my hand if you're with me."
That's when he realized his hand had been in Dean's the whole time, Dean's hand solid and secure around his. He gripped Dean's hand hard feeling hot tears slide down his cheeks.
"Sam. Hey, come on. Open your eyes for me."
Obediently, miserably, Sam opened his eyes and looked up at Dean. Dean looked so pale, with dark, tired circles under his eyes, but he smiled down at Sam.
Sam opened his mouth to apologize and immediately gagged on the tube in his throat. He tried to bring his hands up on reflex, but found that his wrists were restrained to the sides of the bed to keep him from unconsciously pulling at the tube, and panic surged through him. He heard the beeping of the monitors increasing around him. A wave of horror crashed down on him and suddenly he wasn't there anymore, he was—
Dean watches as his brother looses his conciousness yet again.
It is early the next morning before Sam begins to regain consciousness again. Dean is resting in an uncomfortable armchair in the corner of the room, the strain of the past day having caught up with him.
The first thing Sam is aware of as he wakes up is a tube protruding from his mouth, he panics, he can't breathe.
He tries to pull out the offending tube, but quickly is reminded that his arms are tied down.
Within seconds, Dean appears at his side. He must have heard Sam struggling. Dean takes Sam's hands in his, and reassuringly tells him. "Calm down, Sam. You're alright, just relax."
Dean continues to soothe Sam until Alex and a doctor hurry into the room a minute later.
"I'm going to take the tube out now but I'm going to give you something to help with any discomfort," she explained, reaching for a vial, and Sam eyes dart to his brothers suddenly gone wide with fear.
"Let's skip the meds," Dean practically begs.
"But-"
"He'll be fine. Please."
Reluctantly, she set the vial down. She moved Sam's bed into an upright position. "This will be over in just minute," she assured him, releasing the strap that held the tube in place and easing it forward.
"Eyes on me, Sam," Dean said. Sam's eyes latched on to Dean and didn't let go.
About five minutes later, they are alone again, and Sam is free from the ventilator, but still held firmly by the restraints. Sam can tell that they've given him some pretty strong medications, and they're making it hard for Sam it think.
Why am I here?
I know I should remember.
Damn it!
Sam looks up at his brother, and when he sees tears in his eyes it only adds to his panic.
What happened?
Did something go wrong on a hunt?
No, we haven't been on a hunt in months.
Then what-
He'd fucked up. In so many unforgivable ways, but this was perhaps the worst, the final and most despicable show of weakness. If he hadn't been certain he deserved to die before, he was now.
Suddenly, assaulted by realization and memories, Sam pitches forward, and throws up all over the bed.
Sam is so hysterical by the time Alex comes running back into the room, that she is forced to administer a sedative. Once Sam has slipped back into unconsciousness, she begins to strip away the bed sheets, as she asks Dean. "What happened, Dean?"
Dean, who is still standing by Sam's bedside, looks over at Alex with a slightly panicked look on his face. "I don't know." I seem to be saying that a lot lately. "I didn't say anything, he didn't either, then he just..." He trails off, and then in a tired, broken tone, he adds. "I don't know why."
Seeing Dean's distress, Alex stops what she is doing, and goes over to Dean. "It's alright, Dean. Sam is going through a lot right now, he needs time to process it, and while he's doing that, it's expected that he'll have difficult times."
"But what am I supposed do?" Dean asks with sadness clear in his voice, he hates that Sam is suffering so much, and he doesn't know how to help, what happened to Sam that was so bad that it ended up like this?
"Just be here for him, listen to him, and comfort him-" Alex is suddenly interrupted.
Sam sits bolt upright in the bed, crying out in terror.
Dean goes straight to his side, and unknowing of the nature of Sam's nightmare, he wraps his arms tightly around Sam's shaking body.
Sam practically jumps through the ceiling, crying out. "Get away! Don't touch me!" And then with the fear and desperation even clearer in his voice, he says. "Please let me go, please."
Despite his surprise, Dean complies, he lets go of Sam, and backs away from the bed a couple of metres before saying. "Sammy? What's wrong? It's just me, Dean."
Sam ignores him for a moment as he fights to control his breathing, but once he's marginally calmer, Sam looks over at Dean, and almost as if he was expecting someone else, he says. "Dean?"
"Yeah, it's me, Sammy. Just calm down, it's alright." Dean soothes, as he cautiously moves closer to Sam again.
Now realizing that it is only his brother, Sam can calm himself down. He then, quite meekly says with a rough voice. "Sorry, bad dream."
"Figured that." Dean says before he suddenly asks. "Did it have anything to do with what happened?" Not quite ready to say the words of what happened out loud in front of Sam.
"No." Sam replies a little too quickly, and under Dean's glance he changes his answer. "Maybe."
As Dean sits down on the edge of the bed, carefully watching that Sam is alright, he notices in the corner of his eye that Alex is leaving them alone.
Once he's seated, Dean works up the courage to ask. "Sammy, can you tell me why you did it? Please."
Sam looks at Dean angrily, and says. "So now you care?! Where were you when-" Sam stops himself mere seconds from revealing his awful secret. Dean can tell that Sam was about to say something, but suddenly Sam looks up in fear. The look in his eyes is a mix of relief and fear.
"Hey, kiddo." A gruff voice says from the doorway.
A/N Please review :D