CHAPTER 45 - UNDERSTANDING

A/N: Thank you all for the reviews. About to get on the plane back home so I thought I would quickly update.

After giving Edward a tour of my home, we had spent the rest of the afternoon in the living room, where I leaned into his side as we talked about everything and nothing. His iPod providing the perfect background music for this but also helping me learn more about what he liked.

He had planned on staying for a longer time but received a call from Emmett and Jasper, inviting him to hunt with them. I believe Emmett's words were 'We never get to any brotherly stuff anymore'. After we laughed at him, I convinced Edward that I would be fine and that he should go with his brothers.

Over the phone, I had also been scolded by every single Cullen member as to why I had not gone back with Edward. Luckily, Edward had helped in letting me go, on the condition that I had dinner with them tomorrow. As unnecessary as it was, I agreed in hopes to put a stop to their petulance. It didn't seem to appease them so much, especially Esme who I had been talking to for the past fifteen minutes.

"I promise to be there, Esme" I consoled her for about the hundredth time in the last minute. They were all so stubborn but I appreciated their concern and the fact that they enjoyed spending time with me.

"I really wish you would reconsider about moving in" Carlisle interjected on a worrisome note. I could envision his eyebrows furrowing like Edward's does. "We would all be here to protect you…" he murmured, still annoyed by my decision to stay in my home.

Glancing at Edward, I caught how hopeful he was so I turned away and sighed, "Carlisle, I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself" a small scowl dulled my features at how weak he made me out to be. He had first hand experience of the things that I was capable of so why was he so apprehensive.

"I know you can but I can't help but worry" he grumbled.

Taking a deep breath, I allowed the cool air to fill my lungs and bring peace to my jittered nerves. Then I paced back to the kitchen where I rested my elbows onto the counter, the phone still in my palm as I replied, "I've been sleeping here for the past two weeks and nothing has happened" I reasoned, wishing that they would see sense.

After a few seconds of silence, he sighed and I could read into the defeat. A small victorious grin quirked up when I heard him relent, "Well if you need anything, don't hesitate to call"

"I won't" I straightened up when I heard Edward's footsteps behind me.

"Okay then" Carlisle breathed out his frustration once again, "Then, I suppose we'll see you tomorrow…" he conceded.

"It's a promise" I vowed with a grin, even if they couldn't see me.

Before ending the conversation, Esme hastily interjected, "Just remember that our door is always open". Her voice was laced in her gentled warmth so I knew she was not offended.

"I know"

"Okay then" she had also given in to my stubbornness, "Sleep well dear Bella" her endearing words brought tears to brim in my eyes and having me gulp down the lump that formed in my thr0at. It was uncanny just how much she reminded me of my mother but I was torn whether it was a good thing or a bad thing.

I was about to wish them the same but caught myself, choosing my following words carefully, "Thank you"

"Sweet dreams" she added amiably.

Before I could say goodnight, Carlisle cut in again, "Bella, please remember what Esme said. Our door is always opened" he prompted, "Think about it" he urged with certain urgency. It thrilled me to know that he wanted me to share a roof with his family. Though, I did not want him to be thinking that he owed me anything. If anything, I should be the one that was thankful to his family for sharing an agreed silence. Not telling the Volturi about me created a heavy cloud to loom over their heads but none had complained.

"I will" I offered, "Have a good evening"

"Goodnight Bella" Carlisle finalised and this was then chorused by the others.

"See you tomorrow Bells" Emmett added, "And I'll see Edward in a few minutes. Right…?"

I could read into the warning of his transparent words so I hitched an eyebrow at the strangely calm vampire that was Edward Cullen. He was casually lounging against the wall, paying no mind to his brother's hidden threat. However, he did make a sarcastic attempt in appeasing him; "Already out of the door" he rolled his eyes making me laugh.

"Yeah right" Emmett scoffed and we both shared a knowing smirk.

Breaking from my distraction, I remembered the call and said yet another goodbye, "Okay, I will see you all tomorrow" hopefully this tenth promise would appease them and give them a peace of mind.

"Bye Bella" they simultaneously spoke and their soft voices combined in a sweet harmony.

"Bye" I added one last time and giggled when I heard Alice say it again.

"Okay bye" it was Edward who spoke this time.

I placed his phone back onto his palm and he smiled in gratitude but not before ending the call. The pleased smile regrettably turned into one silled with sadness as he suggested, "You know, there is still time for me to drop you off…" he attempted again.

Feeling somewhat guilty for being the cause of their worry, I bit down on my lip and murmured, "No, I'll be fine"

It took a few seconds to convince him but he agreed with a small nod. However, he now wore a secretive expression when he said, "Well you have my number…" he distracted me from my curious eyes.

"Yes" I nodded, fighting the urge to roll my eyes, "…and Alice's and Jasper's and Esme's and Carlisle's and Rosalie's and Emmett's and your house number. Even Carlisle's work number!" my outburst was followed by a half-hearted laugh at the Cullens ridiculousness.

"I get the idea…" Edward shared in my laugh.

When it dawned onto me that our time together was numbered, I took a confident step towards him. My eyes cast down to where my hands were now straightening his jacket as I sadly mumbled, "Have a good trip", still my fingers gripped tightly at his leather jacket, not willing to let him go yet. I was hoping to prolong this moment.

"Thanks" he answered half-heartedly. He didn't sound too excited to leave either but as much as I wanted to yell at him to stay with me, I knew it was not fair to monopolise his time.

"I hope you get a big mountain lion" I joked as I followed him towards the front door.

He only smirked and shook his head in a both disbelieving and an amused manner. We had both stopped next to the open door, both of us simply staring at each other, both trying to decipher the other's thoughts.

Before I could register it happening, his arms were securing me to his chest. When I understood what he was doing, I had no hesitation in melting onto him and revelling in the comforting touch of his hands. "I'm going to miss you" he murmured with his chin resting on the top of my head.

His fingers ran through my hair for a few seconds so I returned the favour by reaching up and grazing his scalp. I loved how he moaned from my simple touch.

Keeping my cheek pressed onto his chest, I returned, "I'll miss you too". The weight of the truth of my reply sunk deep and the reality of the situation hit me. I would not have his arms wrapped around me tonight and these thoughts only tightened my hold onto him.

"We won't be gone long" he vowed, "We'll stay close to Forks" it was now his turn to comfort me.

When we both reluctantly pulled away, I kept my body pressed to his as I cupped his cheek, "Then I'll see you soon…" this was still not enough to calm my erratic nerves or the doubt that darkened my subconscious.

"Soon" he smiled sadly and bent down to place a soft kiss onto my cheek. Just the brushed pressure was sufficient in setting my cheek aflame and the undefined desire to burn once again. I almost angled my head to the left just so I could have his lips onto mine. Where I found the strength not to do that – I didn't know.

Minutes had passed, both of us simply staring at each other and saving the memory for when we were alone. It was when Edward's phone rang that we knew he had to go.

I watched from the doorway as he trudged back to his car. He stopped before getting in and waved to me so I blew him a kiss in return. Comically he caught in his fingers and sweetly placed the palm onto his chest.

He was about to call to me but his phone rang again and he sent me an apologetic smile when answering. He argued for a while and sent an apolo9gtic wave as he entered his car with great hesitancy.

When I closed the door, I fell back onto it, not caring when my head hit the wood with a resounding 'thud'. It felt like he had taken a piece of me with him.

I missed him already…

-XxxxxX-

I continued to search for slumber but the darkness didn't creep into my thoughts. There was no warmth of a poppied sleep that lowered my eyelids and immobilise my frantic movements. No peace was given to overwhelm the apprehensive thoughts that constantly roamed in my mind.

After three hours of trying, I gave up on finding distractions around the house and simply lay on the bed. My eyes focusing on the swirls carved onto the planks of wood of my ceiling. Rather than counting sheep, I decided to count the individual grains of sawdust that built the planks.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,…

When I reached 12,986 and my eyes were still wide open, I knew that it was safe to say this was not a great method. Releasing a frustrated growl, I rolled over onto the bed, the sheets tangling around my legs with my aggravated movements.

Decided on a different method, I thought back to the day that had passed.

Disregarding all the stares that I had received from the whole school, it had been a pretty good day. Everyone in the Cullens had been so welcoming and so friendly and so understanding. I could not think of better people to begin this new life with and I was beyond grateful for them.

Finding Carlisle was a blessing and knowing that he had found a real family comforted me. He was so welcoming even though he knew the implications of the situation if the Volturi found out. We both knew the dangers of what I was doing but he and his family still opened their home to me.

Esme was the perfect person for him. Her gentle nature matched his compassion. She owned a kind heart that was filled with nothing but love for everyone that she met, even someone as undeserving as me.

Jasper and Rosalie had been guarded at first but they were now warming up to me. Both would now contribute to conversations or even ask me questions about my life. I now understood that their hesitancy was built on them wanting to keep the family safe.

Emmett was becoming more and more like brother to me. I loved his childish antics and his optimistic attitude. I even enjoyed hearing his jokes – even the crude ones that I didn't really understand. It was probably just the happiness that lit up his face when he told them. I suppose it was just the warmth that enveloped him and those around him that pleased me.

Like Emmett, Alice also wore this aura. She was bubbly and had a vivacious personality. She seemed to be the one who loved to bring people together. Along with this, she shared a kind hearted that yearned for others. Alice was trusting and forgiving and not just someone I saw as a friend – well a best friend but I also saw her to be my sister.

Last but not least was Edward…Edward Cullen.

He was such an enigma. It wasn't that I couldn't understand him as a person but it was more like I couldn't understand myself when I was with him. I couldn't understand why I craved him every minute of the day; why my every thoughts circled around him; why my heart yearned for him now that he was gone but even when he was with me, I still felt a distance. I couldn't fathom why I was drawn to him in a way that differed from how I felt regarding Emmett or Jasper. No - it was definitely something else…

Now that I was focusing on him, my mind trailed back to his soulful honey-coloured eyes that bored into mine from the comforted of my closed lids. I imagined how they would light up with a gleam when he laughed but also I caught that it would happen when I laughed. Sometimes they would darken when he was angered or upset or troubles. Other times they would glaze – strangely when he looked at me. It was an expression that I could not define or comprehend but I couldn't exactly ask him.

Of course I was attracted to him - frankly I couldn't imagine anyone not being attracted to him. However, to me it felt like it was more than that.

Like when his soft granite lips brushed against my cheek or my forehead and I felt this electrifying desire ripple through me. Sometimes it was when his cool skin grazed mine and I would feel a burning hunger that I did not understand how I could satiate it.

Edward had a good heart. He shared Carlisle's compassion and Esme's kindness. Sometimes he would worry too much but other times, he would show great joy. Sometimes even be as childish as Emmett and a clear example was their flour fight in the kitchen.

The memory made me smile which quickly fell when it dawned onto me that he wasn't here with me. I missed having his arms around me. I missed having his fingers laced through mine. I missed seeing him smile and I missed hearing his laugh or just the velvet tones of his voice. Even simply hearing his steady breaths fall from his lips while his chest slowly rose and fell.

I just…

I missed him

This was completely ridiculous – it had only been a few hours and I was going crazy without him. This could not be healthy for either of us. Edward would probably think I was insane for being like this – hell, I thought I was going crazy.

Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes once again and within the darkness around me, I captured Edward's face manifest. His lips quirked up in a small smile and I mirrored it. "Edward" I breathed his name in wistfulness. It was like he actually was there with me and this helped in giving some peace.

The silence was followed with a low rustling of leaves and my breath hitched as my eyes snapped open. I knew what I heard and this made me sit up in a wild frenzy. Chilling fear gripped at my chest, clawing at my heart and I worried when my thoughts fell back to those who would be searching for me.

Breaking from my hold, I reached out and instantly relaxed when I felt the hum in the air. This was then followed by his panic overwhelming my senses and I released the breath that I didn't realise I'd been holding.

After a few passing moments of silence, I still felt his presence so I acknowledged him in a gentle whisper, "I know you're out there" again this was followed my silence and I knew that he was expecting me to ignore it and fall back into sleep. I didn't want that so instead of dropping back onto the pillows, I pushed the covered off me and moved towards the bed while pleading, "Please…Edward…"

Again my words were met with his silence. Upon feeling his prickling fear, I knew that I needed to show him that he was okay so I stood from the bed and walked towards the window, "I'm not angry" I added but when hearing his retreating steps and the buzz in the air dissipate, I decided to plead again, "Please, don't go"

The teary voice must have gotten his attention because he had flashed before the window. I gasp at his abruptness but still worked through it when pushing at the glass. After several attempts, it creaked and finally gave way, allowing the cold air to enter and his delicious scent to fill the room.

"Come in"

A/N: Next chapter will be us soon. No replies today – in a rush so next update. Sorry for the wait and please review.