It was approaching dusk that Thursday, and after a particularly brain-frying section of her required calculus class, when Katie walked into her room and found herself face-to-face with her roommate. She had been both hoping for and dreading this occurrence since the morning after the Ben and Jerry's binge.
"Hi Chelsea", Katie ventured timidly, hoping that her smile looked more natural than it felt.
Chelsea's eyes flicked over to Katie, momentarily betraying her surprise and suspicion at the unexpected greeting. Chelsea had all but given up on trying to talk to her troubled roommate - she had tried time and time again, nobody could deny that, but after being met each time with hardly more than she might get from talking to a brick wall, she had decided to let it go.
"Hey", Chelsea replied hesitantly, quickly following it with a genuine smile. She was neither blind, nor uncaring, and she could tell that Katie was going through a difficult, and obviously heartbreaking, time. There were many nights when Chelsea had heard stifled sobs drifting down from the top bunk and her heart had cried a little for Katie in response.
Feeling buoyed by Chelsea's warm smile, Katie tested the waters a little further.
"How, uh, how was your day today?"
"It was good thanks, how about you?" Chelsea paused what she was doing and looked carefully towards her obviously nervous roommate.
"Um, you know, it was...I'm looking forward to saying goodbye to our general requirement classes. Math isn't really my bag, you know how..." Katie petered off self-consciously as her eyes drifted down to the floor.
It occurred to Katie that if someone - if anyone - from Upton Sinclair could see her now, they might have wondered who she was, because she couldn't possibly be the same girl as the outgoing, loud, funny, confident Katie Singer they knew.
"I know what you mean," Chelsea jumped in, flashing Katie a smile as she resumed unpacking her books.
A few moments of silence passed as Katie built up the courage to continue. She had spent the first six weeks of their living arrangement trying to survive from day to day, which she knew meant she had shut herself off completely from everyone, but she hoped it wasn't too late for her to fix some of the damage she'd caused.
"Listen," Katie began, pausing for a few extra deep breaths and to make sure Chelsea was listening. "I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I haven't been a very good roommate, and I'm sure living with me has been really hard and I -"
"Hey," Chelsea interrupted, taking a seat at her desk and looking intently at Katie. "It's okay."
"But -" Katie tried again.
"No Katie, it really is okay. Yes, it has been hard and there have been times when I've wondered whether I had kicked a puppy in a past life," Chelsea paused and grinned at Katie. "But hey, you've practically said more to me today than you have since we moved in so things are looking up right?"
Katie laughed despite herself, appreciating Chelsea's apparent willingness to forgive her indiscretions.
"So, I was going to head to the dining hall, do um, do you have plans?"
"I do actually, I'm meeting some friends but I think you should come with us."
Katie could see a bit of herself in this friendly and welcoming girl, who didn't hesitate in inviting a near-stranger to join her and her friends for a meal. 'At least the girl I used to be.'
"Okay, I can do that," Katie agreed before tossing her book bag onto her desk and dropping into the uncomfortable wooden chair. "Why don't you tell me something about yourself Chelsea?"
"Call me Chels," she countered. "What would you like to know?"
Half an hour later Katie had discovered that her 'bunk buddy', a term coined by Chelsea and her friends, was hoping to major in Psychology and History, with a possible minor in Theology. She had been a day student at Andover, groomed to follow her father's footsteps through Harvard and into the business world, but Katie watched her screw up her nose at the thought of that pre-determined path. She had declared to her parents that she wanted to forge her own way, and that Georgetown would be her first step. Katie was slightly envious to hear the smile in Chelsea's voice when she described the support she received from her parents, despite their initial shock and disappointment.
When Katie questioned the photo she had seen, she learned that Chelsea's younger sisters were still at Andover - Megan a senior, Sara a sophomore - and the three of them were as close as sisters could be. They apparently spoke on the phone almost every day, and before Chelsea had left they'd made a pact to have a weekend at their grandmother's Jersey shore cabin once every two months, the first of which was approaching in just over a week.
Just as Chelsea was starting on the story of the boyfriend with whom she had parted ways when they chose colleges a country apart - he had chosen Stamford - they were interrupted by a knock at the door.
"Steph, hey," Chelsea exclaimed upon throwing open the door and gesturing towards her now standing roommate. "This is Katie. Katie, this is Steph."
Steph approached Katie warily but after some friendly small talk, the three headed off to the dining hall to meet the rest of the gang. Katie put on her bravest face and willed herself to bring out the funny, charming Katie Singer, but there was no denying that being in group situations like this was no longer easy for her.
As much as she tried to stay in the present with what she hoped were new friends, Katie's mind wandered, as it usually did, to the past and inevitably to Jessie. Tears threateningly gathered behind her eyes as her place in the noisy dining hall took her back to her place in the noisy Upton Sinclair cafeteria, one year earlier. The difference being the big - and very noticeable - empty space next to Katie that used to be filled by a small blonde girl with the brightest blue eyes anyone had ever seen.
Katie swallowed and forced her tears back down, as she noticed Chelsea throwing her a reassuring smile. Katie forced her lips into a smile and almost succeeded, thankful for her roommate's understanding, but wasn't quite ready to let go of the memories just yet. Being careful to keep her tears in check, she briefly let herself remember.
The first semester of senior year was the best Katie had ever had. She and Jessie had spent a stressful summer worrying about the Sammlers' move to Australia, but by time the school year - and Jessie's last semester in America - had come around, they were determined to enjoy every last moment.
Each day of the week followed the same pattern, but at this moment it was a Friday to which Katie's mind was drawn. If she was ever forced to choose just one, they might have been her favorite day - she would meet Jessie outside of the latter's Western Civ class, and together they would walk to the cafeteria, Katie leading her blonde girlfriend to their usual table with loosely threaded fingers.
They would take their seat, impossibly close to each other and opposite Tad and Russell, while a myriad of hangers-on surrounded them, all desperate to be associated with the most popular people in school. For all of the people talking at them though, Katie and Jessie could barely notice enough to care and more often than not, they would sneak away after a quick bite of lunch for some quality time - both trying to pretend they weren't secretly thinking about the diminishing number of weeks they had left together.
"Right Katie?" a voice floated through the haze of a daydream Katie was reluctant to leave. She would never admit it to anyone, but when she immersed herself in the happy memories she could almost convince herself that it was still her reality. Katie reluctantly brought her attention back to the table, flashing her companions an apologetic smile.
"Sorry, I must have spaced out there. That's what an afternoon of calculus will do to your brain!" Katie exclaimed, transforming into the most charming smile she could manage and watching as the girls at the table displayed some shock at this side of Katie they had never seen. They didn't know her well enough to see through the show the way Tad or Jessie would have.
Another half hour of animated conversation followed, in which Katie was able to keep up the façade of charm and extroversion, before she and Chelsea parted ways with their fellow diners. They wandered in silence toward their dorm room and Katie's slim arms wrapped around her body in an effort to keep the October chill at bay. 'It's still better than October in Illinois,' Katie thought to herself.
"Do you mind if we grab a coffee on the way back? Well, not that it's really on the way back," proposed Chelsea as she broke the silence.
"Sure," Katie replied as they shifted direction to head to Uncommon Grounds, home of the best coffee on campus and the best chai tea in all of DC - although Katie was more of a hot chocolate girl.
Coffee cups in hand as they re-entered their dorm room, Katie put down her phone and wallet and sat cross-legged on the floor. Chelsea moved back into the desk chair she had occupied before dinner and weighed up whether to broach subjects she knew Katie had deliberately tried to avoid in their earlier discussion.
"Okay Katie, you heard almost my entire life story but you still haven't told me anything about you."
"Not much to tell, I grew up in Illinois with my parents and my older brothers. I went to the local high school, Upton Sinclair, where my best friend was a jock and Mr. Popular - you've probably seen him around here, his name is Tad," Katie rattled off in a guarded voice.
Chelsea nodded in agreement and Katie was too caught up in her attempt to cover the emotions that threatened to spill out that she didn't notice the slight blush that crept across Chelsea's cheeks at the mention of Tad's name.
"Yes I have, and I've seen the photos and I don't think he was alone in the popularity stakes."
Katie glanced up at the photos that graced her desk of her and Tad surrounded by plenty of different people, all laughing and joking.
"Yeah well, everyone at high school is just trying to fit in and follow what they think is 'cool' - you know how it is."
"Oh boy, do I ever," Chelsea sympathized. "Only I wasn't on the same side of the coin as you were. When you're a day student at an boarding school, with a parent teaching at that same, elitist school, you don't exactly get treated like high school royalty. So did you and Tad ever date?"
Katie nearly spat out her mouthful of hot chocolate in surprise.
"All hail the queen of the non-sequitur," she exclaimed and then scoffed at the idea. "And no, definitely not. Tad's like a brother to me."
This time she did notice the momentary flash of a pleased smile cross Chelsea's features, and stored the detail in her mind for future use.
"Okay okay, I get it and I'm sorry for my abruptness - you'll get used to it. So if it wasn't Tad, then who, because I am sure someone as pretty and popular as you caught the attention of someone."
A pained expression hit Katie's face, but she wiped it clear and replaced it with one as void of emotion as she could manage.
"Yeah, I suppose. I had a…" Katie paused, wondering whether she should share the information she was yet to reveal to anyone at Georgetown. "a girlfriend in high school. She left halfway through last year because her family moved to Australia."
Chelsea's expression softened and she watched as Katie fidgeted with the coffee cup in her hands, unclipping and fixing the lid over and over again.
"Wow. I'd love to hear about her," Chelsea all but whispered. "You know, if you want to tell me."
Katie chanced a look up at Chelsea and was met with a pair of kind eyes that didn't betray any hint of discomfort or judgment, and she felt a small weight lift from her as she realized she had shared her truths with a new friend, who had accepted them without prejudice of any kind.
"Her name was Jessie, Jessie Sammler. She was a year younger than me in school, blonde with blue eyes and we actually met because my buddy Tad had a mad crush on her," Katie smiled at the memory of that day and noticed Chelsea scanning the photos on her desk.
"You won't find her in those photos. All the Jessie ones are in a shoebox in the closet," Katie jerked her head toward the ageing, wooden closet housing her clothes, shoes and Jessie-memories.
Chelsea nodded, but remained silent in an invitation for Katie to keep talking, but she seemed to be lost for a moment and Chelsea was sure she was within one of those 'Jessie-memories'. 'Unfortunately you can't lock your mind up in a shoebox in your closet,' Chelsea pondered as she waited patiently for Katie to return to the present.
"So how did she end up in Australia?" Chelsea asked when Katie's gaze fell upon her again.
"Well, her dad is an architect and he and his partner were offered this chance of a lifetime to work in Australia. That was at the end of my junior year, and only a few weeks after we got together," Katie grimaced slightly at the memory. "We were devastated. It was like finding the place you belonged in the world only to have it ripped right out from underneath you.
"Her Dad had to leave halfway through that summer but apparently the school system works differently down there so we got a little lucky. Instead of having Jessie start in the middle of their school year, which would have meant repeating what she'd already done, they made some kind of arrangement with the two schools. Upton Sinclair put her on an accelerated junior program last fall and she went straight into her senior year down there with everyone else in February."
Katie was spent from telling the "Australia story", as she had dubbed it during that last summer, and she hugged her legs to her chest, with her head resting on her knees. Chelsea knew that while there was obviously more to the story, she could feel Katie's need to take a break from reliving it and decided to help her out and end the conversation. She got up from her chair, threw her empty coffee cup in the trash and paused briefly in front of her roommate.
"Thank you for sharing your story Katie," Chelsea said softly as she briefly placed her hand on Katie's arm and felt her flinch ever so slightly from the contact. "If you don't mind, I think it's my bed time. I'm going to brush my teeth okay?"
Katie lifted her head to look into her new friend's caring brown eyes and nodded, while trying to silently convey her thanks to Chelsea also. Her thanks were acknowledged with a smiling nod before Chelsea grabbed her maroon toiletries basket and headed out to the communal bathroom.
As she dragged her exhausted body off the floor, Katie glanced over at the closet and before she could stop herself she wondered what Jessie was doing at that exact moment. The thought caused her to double over, clutching her stomach and she barely managed to stifle the sob that burned the back of her throat as she swallowed it back down.
Forgetting about a shower, Katie crawled up to her bed and sank beneath the covers of her sanctuary, squeezing her eyes shut as she silently pleaded with herself.
'God Katie, get a grip. You know you have to avoid thinking about where Jessie is, what she's doing or...who she's probably with'