Katie sighed and took a mouthful of her Pepsi before looking up at Chelsea to see a look of genuine care and concern etched on her features.
"Okay Chels, but you'd better get comfortable."
Katie began by describing how, for the first three months of Jessie's time in Australia, things had been great. She told Chelsea about how Jessie had left just before Christmas, but they had been able to spend Jessie's birthday - her sweet 16th - together just before she left and that they were happier than they'd ever been.
Chelsea noted the shy but glowing smile that was even able to make Katie's downcast eyes shine at the mention of Jessie's birthday, but she knew now was not the time to ask.
"It was probably March when it started to go downhill but it happened so slowly that I didn't even notice at first. Ever since she left we hadn't gone a day without talking in one way or another. Most of the time we'd talk on the phone or online, but we traded emails too and there was just never enough time to talk properly. Never enough time," Katie trailed off quietly.
"That probably seems extreme," she started again, looking up quickly and betraying her self-consciousness. "But you have to remember that we were inseparable from last May until she left in December. Actually I suppose we were inseparable even before May. We went to school together, hung out most afternoons after school and usually all weekend as well, so for us even the phone calls and IM conversations were an adjustment.
"But it got harder for us to find time to talk. Jessie was always busy with school, or her family, or her new friends, and the time difference didn't help."
Chelsea could see Katie going through moments in her mind, almost as if she were reliving them to see if she could have done something differently, if there had been anything she could have done to change the outcome. If Chelsea knew anything though, it was that you can't spend time dwelling over the past or having regrets, because there's nothing anyone can do to change it.
"I suppose I wasn't as patient as I could have been," Katie continued. "I just missed her so much and would have done anything, moved anything, missed anything to talk to her and I didn't understand why she didn't feel the same."
Knowing she was about to get to the place she wished she never had to go, Katie began to shake slightly. Tad was the only other person in her life who knew what had happened and that was because he had lived it with her, so Katie was understandably nervous about retelling this story for the first time.
"She found a couple of really good friends at her school. Simon, Danielle and Jess became the 'Trio of Trouble' and they would always hang out on weekends and after school and a lot of the times Jess and I had organized to talk they were there. That usually meant our conversations were stilted and weird. Not to mention they would be interrupted by laughter every few minutes when something funny would happen on the other end of the phone. Those phone calls generally wouldn't last very long.
"There was another girl, Rachel, who was in the grade below and seemed to be on the periphery of the group, but she desperately wanted in. At least, that's how Jessie told the story. It was our anniversary when I realized that Rachel had a crush on her. We had decided not to do presents, because we were saving madly in the hope we could visit each other during vacation, but I couldn't help doing something so I sent a card with a poem I had written.
"What I didn't realize is that I would be upstaged by myself," Katie added using air quotes. "On the day of our anniversary Jess arrived at school and there was a present waiting for her - a bouquet of gardenias, a Billie Holiday CD and a leather bracelet. All with a card signed from me."
Katie paused and looked up to see Chelsea with a horrified look on her face, causing Katie's lips to involuntarily form a grim, tight-lipped smile.
"But...but that's so single, white female," Chelsea sputtered.
"That's what I thought," replied Katie. "Jess didn't see it though. She did think it was weird, but she thought it was sweet of her.
"We argued a bit about it over the next month, but Jess was adamant that she had no feelings for Rachel despite whatever feelings Rachel may have had for her - not that she would agree with me on that either. Rachel even added me on MSN and we talked a few times. She was always wicked nice, too nice.
"I forgot to mention too that Simon is gay and Danielle was, at least then, bi-curious. So I think Jessie had managed to become friends with the entire gay population of her high school. It was good for her, I think, since she wasn't out to her family-"
"Wait wait wait," Chelsea interrupted. "You guys were together for over a year and her family had no idea?"
Katie nodded sadly and explained that Jessie's stepsister, Grace, had figured it out and while she couldn't believe Grace could - or would - keep it a secret from their parents, she had. Chelsea could tell Katie wished it to be different, but she listened to Katie explain that she was willing to accept it because she loved her. She knew that Jessie was desperate to live up to her parents' expectations of her and was scared of what would happen if she told them the truth.
"There was this one night," Katie spoke so softly that Chelsea struggled to hear her. "July 18, 2003. A date I wish I could forget.
"It was summer and I'd almost become nocturnal so I could talk to Jessie as much as possible. It was around 3am I think and I had stayed up to talk to Jessie when she got home from school, but when I called she told me she couldn't talk long because she had to get ready - Simon was taking the girls to one of Sydney's gay clubs. Apparently they were having some sort of all-ages drag show."
Katie was whispering now, as if she thought the words might hurt less without sound behind them, and Chelsea wanted to move around to Katie's side to show her some comfort but she didn't want to interrupt the story. She knew better than Katie did that this was a story the heartbroken girl had to tell if she had any hope of moving on, or at least healing.
"Jessie was so excited, she was practically bouncing and I hadn't heard that in a long time. She was certainly never that excited about talking to me. I wanted to be happy for her but," Katie paused and took a deep breath. "Well, she told me she wished Rachel wasn't going because, and this is a direct quote, because 'Simon is introducing me to some girls and I don't want them to think she's my girlfriend'," Katie finished, marking air quotes with her fingers.
Tears began making their way down her face and, this time, Chelsea responded to her impulse to comfort Katie. She scooted around the food, sitting next to Katie and placing her hand gently on the other girl's knee in a show of silent support.
"I managed to choke out a 'Do you want them to be your girlfriend?' and without skipping a beat she said 'No, but I want them to want me.' I could barely believe I was speaking to my girlfriend, my Jessie. It didn't seem like Jessie to me at all.
"I hung up from her a few minutes later and called Tad. He didn't answer, it was the middle of the night after all, so I left a voicemail saying 'She's going to cheat on me' before I hung up and burst into tears."
Tears were rolling down her cheeks and Chelsea reached her arm around the crying girl's shoulder and hugged her. Katie let her head drop onto Chelsea's shoulder and allowed herself to sob for a few minutes while she garnered the courage to continue. She'd relived the next part so many times, anyone would think she'd be desensitized but those people should know that you don't get desensitized to the moment your heart breaks for the first time.
As if it was the most vivid dream, or more appropriately a nightmare, Katie recounted the story she had played in her mind as many times as syndicated sitcoms played on cable.
Katie had eventually cried herself to sleep as the sun was preparing to shine over Chicago for another day, and while she wished for a blissful sleep to remove her from her reality, she was instead granted one full of interruption and disturbing dreams.
It was midday when Katie was propelled upright in her bed, clutching her stomach because of the stabbing pain that had settled there. The sense of foreboding that accompanied the pain was unshakeable and Katie found herself unable to fall asleep again and she counted down until it was an appropriate hour to call Jessie.
Tad showed up at Katie's door that afternoon and tried to convince her that she was being paranoid, because the Jessie he knew would never cheat on her, because the Jessie he knew was completely in love with her. While Katie appreciated the sentiment, she knew from her body's reaction, even more strongly than she had the night before, that something had happened and she needed to hear it from Jessie herself.
It wasn't until Tad had gone home after dinner, a meal of which Katie had eaten exactly one and a half mouthfuls, when she calculated it was 9am Sydney time and decided to check online before calling the Sammlers. Jessie wasn't there and Katie wondered if she might still be asleep, but she couldn't get to the phone fast enough when she saw who was online and what their Away message was.
r4ch£L: I'm still so majorly happy. I'm studying because I promised
some1 I would…call me if you need me
When Jessie answered the phone on the third ring, Katie managed a semi-polite greeting before her tentative hold over the anger and pain broke and the words flew out of her mouth, leading the conversation past the point of no return.
"What happened last night?" Katie shot at her girlfriend with an angry, accusing tone.
"What have you read? Who have you been talking to?"
Katie felt herself heat up and she wondered if it was possible to give yourself a stroke or perhaps self-combust altogether.
"Is there something to read? Is there someone to talk to, or something to talk about?"
"Well, you obviously know."
"Tell me Jessie and tell me now."
"I went to a drag show."
"And," Katie prompted.
"Then I went to Gloria Jeans for coffee."
"And"
"Then I went home"
"Any conversations or interactions with anyone or events or occurrences that I should know about?"
"You already know," Jessie spoke quietly, and she felt her own heart beginning to break at Katie's anger and the realization of what it meant.
"Fucking say it, fucking say it right now," Katie demanded in a low voice, not registering that she was uncharacteristically swearing in her emotional state.
"Rachel"
"That is a word, someone's name, that is NOT a story."
"You already know."
"Fucking tell me."
"She came to the drag show."
"And"
"She slept over my house"
"And"
"We watched Kissing Jessica Stein"
"And"
"Went to bed"
"You'd better fucking tell me and you'd better fucking tell me right now."
"Why?"
"Fucking say it Jessie."
"I kissed her."
Three simple, but resoundingly complicated, words were all it took to shatter the anger surging through Katie's body, replaced with overwhelming pain and agony. Without saying another word, Katie hung up the phone and in one swift motion she threw it against the wall and collapsed on the ground in a sobbing heap.
She sobbed for minutes before she heard her mother call her name and ask about the noise, which prompted her to action. She swiped roughly at her face with her sleeve, grabbed her keys and fled to the only place she knew to go.
Chelsea found herself comforting what she could only imagine was a replica of the Katie from that day. She had slipped down to the ground, her head in Chelsea's lap, while Chelsea squeezed her arm and stroked her hair. Katie's tears ran freely and sobs wracked her thin frame, and Chelsea found a few stray tears escape her own eyes as she thought about Katie's pain.
They sat in that position for almost an hour, until Chelsea heard Katie whisper once more.
"I haven't spoken to her since August 31st. I don't know if I'll ever hear from her again, and I wish I didn't care. I wish I hated her, but I can't hate her when I still love her and I think I always will."
When Katie had showered and was ready for bed, she sat at her computer and stared blankly at the screen. She was exhausted from having relived the painful prelude to her and Jessie's breakup, but she needed to put some distance between herself and the memories or else she'd be reliving it all night in her dreams.
Her eyes scanned her AIM Buddy List, hoping as she always did that some miracle would cause Jessie's screen name to darken and signify her availability. While AIM was the pre-eminent communication tool for maintaining any kind of a social life at Georgetown, Katie had all but given up trying to convince herself that staying online 24/7 and compulsively checking her buddy list had anything to do with her social life.
She knew it was in the hope that a certain blonde with ocean-colored eyes and the voice of an angel might choose any moment to come online. Sighing dejectedly, Katie reminded herself that Jessie had not been online since that last day in August and no amount of hopes, prayers or whispered wishes was likely to change that.
Hearing Chelsea roll over in her sleep pulled Katie out of her Jessie-haze and prompted her to haul her tired, aching body over to her bed for what she hoped would be a peaceful night's sleep. Despite the fact that it had been difficult to retell her story to her roommate, Katie had to admit that she felt slightly lighter than she had before.
As her head hit her pillow and her body curled instinctively around Gifford, the feeling of emptiness in the pit of her stomach seemed to ease very slightly and Katie began to feel for the first time that, maybe one day, things would be okay again.