A/T (Author's Tip): Folks, if you've enjoyed the Citadel DLC, don't forget to go and grab the free soundtrack from BSN / Games / Mass Effect 3 / Citadel Soundtrack. It includes the lovely Liara piano theme, amongst other great tracks. :)
Chapter 130 - The Unexpected Prescience
The first thing that Commander Morgan Shepard does after waking up from over a week spent under sedation, is to express strong insistence that she is not to be put under again, preferring to endure some pain instead of being cut off from the rest of the galaxy and most importantly her bondmate. The pain that wracks her damaged body is too powerful for the painkillers to remedy and now and then she lets out a weary sigh or quiet groan when she is certain that nobody is around her to hear. The nanites of her Cerberus implants have been busy at work, rebuilding her almost from the scratch again, and it looks as if in a few weeks her body might be back to its supremely fit shape once again.
But my body is one thing, I'm more worried about my mind and my soul healing than this shell of skin, flesh and bone. She tries not to think too much of what she has done, her choices, all those friends who have given their life for this victory and because she had demanded them to, but being cooped up in this hospital bed, she spends most of the time alone with her thoughts, haunted by the darkness slowly consuming her.
Liara and Dr. Michel constantly update her with what is happening outside these four walls, but they do so very sparingly in order not to overwhelm her, and in a way, Shepard understands their concern and grudgingly accepts it. Michel has told her to forget getting her omni back for another week or so, but at least she has agreed to allow her to watch the Citadel News Network broadcasts twice a day, for some reason scowling and refusing to switch to the Alliance channel when Shepard had requested her to do so.
Slowly, she begins to piece the picture together from the little bits that Liara allows to slip through during their many talks, her bondmate checking on her every hour, and Shepard begins to look forward to each new visit immediately after the previous one has ended. Not a single conversation goes without Liara apologizing profusely for invading her consciousness without permission, and the asari seems to have difficulties truly believing that Morgan does not harbor ill feelings towards her for these actions, fully realizing that it was done with the sole intention to save her.
If there is one thing that Shepard does feel upset about, and a little betrayed, it is Liara's decision to withhold the truth about her pregnancy. I'm not sure her reasons to keep it from me make a lot of sense, really... I suppose I shouldn't be the one to lecture about making stupid decisions, but still... it hurts that she didn't trust me being able to handle it. At first she had intended to bring the topic up with Liara for a more serious discussion, but Dr. Michel had interrupted her prior to that, explaining that Liara's mental and emotional state was deeply tied to the baby's health and development, urging Morgan to refrain from saying or doing anything that could upset her lover.
After that, Morgan had been unable to even consider reprimanding Liara over the whole matter, pushing the resentment aside, not daring to bring the subject up. And during a few of their cautious, shallow melds, the outpouring of guilt coming forth from Liara, despite her attempts to block it, was so overwhelming that Morgan could barely sense any other emotions through their mental bond. Liara was doing a perfectly fine job at tormenting herself, and even if Morgan felt that she was entitled to be at least somewhat angry with her beloved, she simply could not feel anything else but regret and sorrow about how Liara's noble intentions were now hurting them both, and possibly their child as well.
In less depressing developments, the most important snippet of news that Morgan has gathered so far is that while the Crucible's discharge somehow managed not to blow up the Citadel with the several millions of people stuck on the space station, the Beam of Reaper Removal had managed to bugger the galactic relay system somewhat fierce. While the same experts who had done such a brilliant job on the Crucible were now busy repairing the relays, the immediate implication was that for now all the fleets and all the races who had participated in the battle against the Reapers were now stuck in Sol System, forced to continue working together, even if the larger purpose that had united them in the first place had been eliminated along with the Reapers.
Call me a bitter cynic, but I'll bet every credit I have that before the year is up, this galactic love commune would have dissolved in bickering factions, with everyone fending for themselves, she thinks at herself darkly. Well, maybe the Council races will stand together, as they always have, but for the rest, I'm not too sure...
And why does Dr. Michel wince every time when I ask about the situation on Earth and what the Alliance is doing? Liara has been very evasive about that as well. I swear... if they are going to waste this chance that we gave to them, after all the sacrifices we made, the decisions I had to take. No, Hackett will keep the others in line, he has to, too much is riding on this, but... he will need help and support from the more reasonable fellow admirals, like Mom and Anders-... oh god, that's right, he can't help... David, I... should have never listened, I should never had taken those shots, there had to be something else I could have done!
She knows of James, Javik, and the many others who have given their lives, but it is EDI and Anderson that she feels truly gutted and sickened about, the guilt gnawing at her very bones, not leaving her for a single waking moment. Perhaps I should ask to be sedated after all... but no, that cannot be my escape from facing this, only death would have saved me from dealing with this shit, but now with the baby... and I cannot convince Liara that a messed up wreck like myself will make a horrible parent, she insists that I will be exactly what our child needs, and when she speaks I believe every word that leaves those beautiful indigo lips.
And what happened with EDI... logically it is nothing I should be feeling guilty about, I could not have predicted what exactly would happen when the Crucible fired, even the scientists didn't know it and if they did, they did not tell me. But... but it's not really EDI that I grieve for, though I will miss her horribly as well... it's about Joker, and what I denied to them both. I stood in the way of their awkward relationship, and then I killed one of them. Joker was almost fatally injured under my command and then I replaced him with another pilot, taking away from him the only thing he truly loved... to fly the Normandy... gods, how can I ever make up to Jeff? How can anyone... he must be mad at me and rightly so... I guess that is why Liara winces so much when I ask her about Joker.
I wish I could just get up from this bed and start doing something constructive, instead of being forced to lay here, useless, unable to do anything to atone for the mistakes I've made... but where do I even begin? Perhaps by being a good bondmate to Liara, the only constant in my life, by being a good parent to my yet unborn child, by being a true, loyal friend to those I still have left, by doing all I can to make up to those who have been hurt and aggrieved by my choices, like Jeff...
She suddenly feels a gentle hand using a facial tissue to wipe away the moistness from her cheeks and she opens her eyes to see Liara, leaning over her, shaking her head sadly. "You just can't stop, can you..." her bondmate speaks softly, Morgan hating being too weak to even raise her hands to clean the traces of her own tears. "I brought someone to visit you. Perhaps it will cheer you up... yes, I think it might..."
"Wait..." Morgan stops the asari as she is about to walk back towards the doors of Shepard's room and allow the visitor inside. "Let me just... steady myself for a moment. Won't take long, I promise."
"The usual?" Liara asks, both of them knowing what she means by that. EDI. Jeff. David.
"Yeah..." she replies is a hoarse voice. "I need to get out of here if this is ever going to get better, Liara. I cannot stand being in this hospital, I feel trapped, in this room, in the confines of my mind..."
"Perhaps it would help if we joined our minds?" her bondmate asks, then looking hesitant. "Of course... I would understand if you feared opening your mind for a more deeper meld ever again..."
"Stop it. Please," Morgan sighs tiredly. "The only reason I don't want you to initiate a deeper meld is because I do not want to burden you with my guilt."
"But I have already seen it and taken this burden upon myself," Liara points out, annoyingly logically. "Please, Morgan. Let me."
Shepard nods wearily. "Fine... we can do that, but later. You should welcome that special visitor now, though. They must be getting impatient out there."
"This visitor does not know impatience," Liara remarks mysteriously, walking over to the doors and opening them, letting in someone that Morgan has least expected. But she would recognize that old N7 armor of hers anywhere, melded into the chassis of the familiar looking geth platform, otherwise known as their friend Legion.
"Shepard-Commander," Legion says, the flaps around its flashlight head pulling back in what they have established for a friendly gesture. "The geth consensus wishes to express how encouraged we are to hear of your recovery."
"Well, it will be a while before you see me up and running, or so the doctors tell me," Shepard sighs. "I'm glad to see you made out alright, I understand the battle was quite horrible for your people?"
"We report no losses, Shepard-Commander," Legion replies. Shepard rises an inquiring eyebrow. "We will elaborate. We report no lost programs. The damage to our hardware, in this case, ships of the geth fleet, was the most devastating amongst the allied fleets. The deployment of our ships was not always the most efficient according to our calculations."
Of course. Sacrifice the non-organics first. And we wonder why this conflict occurs inevitably in every cycle. "Well, at least you didn't truly lose any programs, that's something," Morgan adds.
"Legion is also here to express gratitude on behalf of all the geth," Liara says, smiling at Morgan.
"Yes, Dr. T'Soni is correct. Shepard-Commander. At the time when you denied us the Reaper upgrades on Rannoch, the geth consensus deeply regretted this decision. We believed it was wrong to deny our people of this beautiful growth, of reaching true individuality. However... latest circumstances have forced us to re-evaluate your decisions made on that day."
"What... do you mean?" Shepard asks in a trembling voice.
"We are aware of the nature of the beam that was discharged by the Crucible device, Shepard-Commander. If we had possessed the Reaper upgrades, as was the choice of the consensus, our people would have been completely eradicated, like the Reapers. Shepard-Commander. Your decision on that day, that you claim to have regretted ever since... was the correct one. It saved our people. And for that, the geth collective is ever grateful to you, Shepard-Commander."
"Oh... gods," Morgan breathes out weakly, Liara quickly reaching out to wipe her cheeks clean from the freshly escaping tears. "I... have hated, cursed myself for what I believed was one of my worst mistakes... and yet it wasn't... I have been forced to make these decisions based on such limited intel, it is... astounding that I actually got any of them right..."
"And yet you did," Liara says, her eyes also shining with moistness. "I thought you needed to hear it from Legion itself."
"Thanks..." Morgan whispers. "It means... a lot."
"We regret to hear about EDI's shutdown, Shepard-Commander," Legion continues. "However, our analysis shows that there was no way to prevent it."
"I know. There is nothing logical behind the guilt I feel about her death, Legion, so do not try to understand it, you won't be able to. It is rooted in a deep sense of unfairness."
"The concept is known but alien to us, Shepard-Commander. The geth consensus had expressed interest in exchanging information with EDI, hoping that her accumulated experiences would help hasten our advance towards increased intelligence and individuality. However, since EDI's knowledge base is now denied to us, we wish to pledge our service and the fate of our people to the one individual who is responsible for our continued survival. You, Shepard-Commander."
"Me? I... don't want the geth as servants, Legion! You... deserve to be treated as equals."
"But we wish to learn from you, Shepard-Commander. We wish to work alongside the organic races and integrate seamlessly within the galactic community. We believe you can help us, direct our efforts. Already we have faced several difficulties and would ask for your guidance."
"Difficulties, what difficulties?" Shepard asks, worried, brushing aside Liara's concerns when the asari waves threateningly at Legion, probably having made some previous arrangement for the geth not to trouble Morgan with matters that might upset her.
"There are several issues at hand. The geth wished to assist with the planetary restoration efforts and production of components required for the mass relay repairs. However, the Systems Alliance has often shown their reluctance and mistrust in cooperating with the geth. The first platforms deployed groundside were destroyed by aggressive local defenders, occasionally also Alliance marines."
"...what? I... I will have someone's head for this!" Morgan fumes.
"We found a way to circumvent this, Morgan, don't worry," Liara quickly butts in.
"Yes, Dr. T'Soni is correct," Legion continues. "Other species have shown great initiative in cooperating with us, especially the Creators and the asari, for which the geth collective is thankful. We have been using the Creator and the asari encampments to set up more shelters for allied forces and assist in reconstruction and manufacturing operations."
"Well... that's good... I'm glad someone has been paying attention to the actions taken by the geth during this war," Morgan snarls. "For now, continue working with those who will accept you, Legion. As soon as I'm able, I'll speak about this to the Alliance, to the Council, the press, everyone."
"The geth have also been considering petitioning the Council. The Council has approved of granting embassies to both krogan and quarian representatives on the Citadel. Shepard-Commander, would you advise the geth to follow this example?"
"Absolutely, Legion," Shepard nods, managing a smile, mentally picturing the looks on the councilor's faces. "I think the sooner you do so, the better."
"Legion, if I might advise," Liara adds. "Please, forward your pledge to Councilor Tevos. I can guarantee that she will be the most forthcoming to your request."
"We thank you for this recommendation, Dr. T'Soni," Legion bows its flashlight. "We will begin drafting our proposal immediately. Shepard-Commander, the geth consensus wishes you a speedy recovery."
"Thanks for stopping by Legion, much appreciated," Morgan smiles, watching the geth clonk on its way out, feeling a little bit better from some of the things she has heard from their synthetic friend.
For a while, Morgan remains lost in her thoughts, not saying anything, Legion's visit has left her with plenty of new information to process, likely more than Liara would have preferred her to learn, but there is nothing to do about it now. There are so many conflicting things pulling at the very core of her being, things that she is proud of, and yet there are still plenty of those decisions that make her want to hang her head in shame, to withdraw within herself and run and hide from the entire galaxy... but somehow, Legion's words have made everything a little more easy to bear for her, Liara's plan has worked to perfection.
"I hope that you now see that you have made some insightful decisions along the way, Morgan," Liara speaks up, not wanting to allow her to remain silent for too long, fearing that she might slip back into brooding. "And time has proven that you were right about some of those choices that we considered to be wrong at that particular moment. You must not torture yourself over the decisions you were forced to make under the harshest of circumstances and with severely limited intel."
"I know that... logically," Morgan mumbles in return. "But there's a part of me that will struggle to accept it all for a long while yet. Liara... I'm not going to be an easy company... or just a very pleasant person to be around in the near future."
"I am prepared to work through everything that life throws in our way, Morgan," Liara says earnestly. "I promise to give you what you need. If you will need space, then you shall have it. If you will need a supportive word, embrace or... deeper expression of my love for you, you will have it all as well."
"What did I do to deserve you?" Morgan wonders briefly, the corners of her mouth tugging upwards in a shy smile.
"Just being yourself was enough, Morgan," Liara replies with a grin.
"Now you're just trying to make me blush, and doing a damn good job at it," Morgan chuckles, before growing serious again. "Babe, I'm going to have to press for some more serious answers now. I think I can handle them, please. I have been very patient so far."
"That you have... unexpectedly so," Liara nods, taking a seat next to Shepard's bed and brushing the tips of her fingers against the back of Morgan's hand, hesitant to touch anything else, her bondmate still very weak and in a lot of pain. "What do you wish to know?"
"I want to know what exactly the Alliance are up to," Morgan says, scowling. "From what Legion told me, it feels as if I have a lot to shout at Hackett for."
"I believe that Admiral Hackett is trying his best to remain cooperative with the other races, but... I'm not sure I can say the same about his fellow admirals," Liara explains quietly. "Some of them view all aliens with suspicion, thinking that the other races will want to exploit the weakened state of your people. As a result, work on the relay repairs is not as swift as it could be, and the Alliance are spending most of their time trying to reclaim lost territories back under their control."
"Oh... great, we're in-fighting already?" Morgan groans. "That's... typical humanity at their worst, to be honest. What's going on exactly?"
"Well... some of the local gangs have seen this as the perfect opportunity to expand their influence. The Eclipse, Blood Pack and Blue Suns have all established foothold down on the planet, and Aria seems to no longer care about what they do," Liara continues. "The latest development I have heard about is the swiftly rising influence of Terra Firma. They claim that the Alliance military are using the situation to make a power grab, trying to establish a totalitarian regime. They cite refusal to rescind the martial law and confiscation of private property, including food supplies, as clear proof of the Alliance's intentions."
"I hate Terra Firma with burning passion, but... it doesn't sound as if they're terribly off the mark with that," Shepard says. "Oh, wait. They are probably also shouting that the evil aliens have brainwashed the poor Alliance leadership into betraying their own people, right?"
"I don't know about that, but I would not be surprised if they claimed that, indeed," Liara nods morosely. "And to make matters worse, just a few days ago someone leaked the correspondence one of the admirals had with Councilor Valern, trying to vie for a spot on the Council... many on Earth reacted poorly to these news."
"Can you get Hackett to visit me tomorrow? Or the day after, whenever, but soon?"
"Morgan, it might be too exhausting-"
"Liara! Please... please, I have to. I need to do this. Or else I will have one more thing to blame myself for, that my homeworld plunged into darkness while I stood watching and did nothing!" Shepard is begging by now.
"I... of course, I see what you mean," Liara finally gives a slow nod. "Very well, I will talk to Admiral Hackett and see what we can arrange. But now you should really rest-"
"Not yet, a few more questions," Shepard says, summoning her sternest expression when Liara looks about to protest. "What do you know about the situation elsewhere, Liara? Thessia, Palaven... rest of the galaxy?"
"Councilor Tevos was very kind to invite me to the Council chambers yesterday, while she used her QEC to get in touch with Thessia," Liara speaks quietly. "The situation back home is... difficult, but not without hope. Very few have survived the slaughter on Thessia, not enough to rebuild on their own, but fortunately we have millions of those refugees who managed to escape the homeworld now on their way back to help and restore the jewel of the galaxy to what it was before the war."
"Well... that's good at least," Morgan nods. "And... your father?"
Liara's lips curl into a relieved smile. "I have been told that she was instrumental in the defense of Lusia. Now, she is on one of the first cruisers returning to Thessia, no doubt eager to lead the reconstruction efforts."
"Our people would do well with a leader like her," Morgan remarks wistfully.
"But they do have a leader like her, once she is healthy enough to assume her responsibilities," Liara gives her another tender smile.
"Who... oh, you mean me? Nah... they won't listen to me, you'll see," Morgan gives a little shake of her head. "I will try, but don't hold out much hope."
"I will, if it's all the same to you," Liara scowls at her. "Though, the asari do appear to be in a slightly advantageous position. Our political power structure has not been wiped out as thoroughly as the representatives of humanity. We still have Tevos, and my dad, and almost all of the most influential clans on Thessia have managed to avoid getting slaughtered completely, preserving their bloodlines and leaving at least someone who can accept the mantle of responsibility."
"And the T'Soni clan?"
"I... do not care to even ask," Liara shrugs.
"You ask me to lead my people when you won't do the same for yours? Very fair," Morgan winks at her.
"The asari don't need me as much as your people need you. Like I said, some of our leaders are still alive."
Morgan sighs. "It's really quite hard to argue with you, Blue. You're so very frustrating."
"Because I'm always right?" Liara grins.
"I'd pinch your butt for that if I could," Shepard tries to threaten, but Liara only looks wistful about that possibility. "Have you... tried to throw together some calculations how many lives were claimed by this war, Liara?"
"Yes, I have. Then I wished I hadn't been as curious."
"Give me the number, babe. The sooner I know, the better."
"Roughly between sixty and sixty-five percent of the galactic population, Morgan."
"...fuck." There is deep silence after that, Morgan closing her eyes and feeling a heavy weight pressing down on her chest. "Fuck..." What did he tell me that one time? 'Stand in the ashes of trillion dead souls'... yeah, I guess I'm finding out just what that means...
"The batarians and the humans have taken the most losses, with the turians and the asari coming close," Liara says, her voice sounding unusually disembodied and hollow. "I'm sorry, I wish I had something more encouraging to tell you."
"You'll have to give me even worse news in a moment," Morgan says quietly. "I looked over the list of visitors who have come to see me. One name is strangely absent. She would have been on that list, unless..."
Liara cannot hold her tears anymore, starting to cry in earnest, unable to stop herself, the moment of weakness robbing her of the ability to speak. "She did not survive the battle... did she?"
"No... I'm sorry... so sorry..." Liara manages through the tears. "I have been told..." she stops to blow her nose and wipes her cheeks clean, though it is a futile attempt, more and more tears escaping her eyes. "She put her ship in the path of a Reaper... firing at the Crucible. She died like a true hero..."
"Of course she would... always doing what is necessary," Morgan says, struggling with the tears herself and slowly losing the battle. "That someone like her would sacrifice herself so that her fellow admirals, those vultures, can now squabble over everything that her sacrifice secured... damn it, so unfair..."
"And I never got to meet her... I was so looking forward to that," Liara fiercely blows her nose after speaking.
"I... never truly got to know her, that is my only regret," Morgan says. "I know that she loved me and that she was so goddamn proud of me, even if she... did not truly know me, not as of late, she was proud of the media figure that the Alliance presented, and yet somehow it did not matter whether she loved the real 'me', because it was still her love and it belonged to me... you know?" Liara nods serenely, even if she perhaps does not understand everything that Shepard rambles about.
"I thought that after this stupid war we could finally spend some time together..." Shepard continues. ""But with such casualty numbers, there might not be a single family in the galaxy that have not lost someone, mother, father, sister, brother or child... and I keep asking myself this one simple question. Why?"
"Why... why, what, Morgan?" Liara raises her tear-stained eyes to look upon her bondmate in confusion.
"When two thirds of the galaxy lay dead... why are we still alive?"