No sooner had she seen the yellow smiley face next to Jessie's screen name, it was gone again. The speed had Katie wondering if she had, in fact, imagined the whole thing but she knew in her heart that she hadn't. The physical reaction Jessie's presence always caused her couldn't be denied - her heart thumped against her chest, a nervous energy settled itself in her stomach, and her head was spinning with thoughts and possibilities, and the unshakeable image of a pair of sparkling blue eyes.
Breaking out of her trance a few moments later, Katie lumbered up to bed, and silently contemplated what had happened. She thought she knew why Jessie had been online. She was almost sure it wasn't random, rather a sign that Jessie knew what day was approaching and it left Katie feeling as though she and Jessie were two fast-moving trains set on a collision course with no escape route.
A defeated sigh pushed itself past Katie's lips and she wrapped herself around Gifford and under the warm covers. As pleased as she was that Jessie still cared, she couldn't help feeling anxious about their impending interaction.
'Three days until Jessie's birthday. Three days until...I don't know what.'
Within a matter of seconds the delicate framework of her recovery had been splintered, perhaps forever.
In the two days following, Katie tried to maintain appearances with the world around her - attending classes, meetings and group coffees with a distracted smile on her face. She played her role in the practiced manner she had learned throughout high school, and did it all on an auto-pilot setting that allowed her mind to wander to the inevitable.
Oblivious to what had occurred after their excursion to the movies, Tad had put it down solely to the impending anniversary - one year since Jessie's departure - and he kept a cautious eye over his best friend as she weaved their group of three and Taylor's group of four, into the fabric of a support network he knew she could rely on. Whether she would was another matter entirely, but he could only hope.
Hanging out with Taylor that Tuesday night - the night before the 12-month marker of a day that held events and memories almost too encompassing to remember - she could barely focus on the movie they were supposedly watching. When the credits finished rolling Taylor's eyes flicked back and forth between Katie and the now blue screen for a few minutes until she decided to speak up.
"What's up K? You seem distracted?"
"What? Oh hmm, sorry. I've just got a lot on my mind," replied Katie and followed it with a smile.
"Let's hear it," Taylor started, and upon seeing the alarmed expression on Katie's face she continued. "Well, you don't have to. But we're friends right?"
"Right," Katie confirmed and sighed ever so slightly. "Jessie was online after the movies on Sunday. Only for a second, but it was the first time she's been online in months."
Katie chanced a look up at Taylor, who was looking at her with a concerned expression on her face.
"You miss her," Taylor spoke, in a statement rather than a question.
Katie's voice deserted her and she could only manage to choke out a 'yes' and a slight nod before composing herself, "It was starting to get better you know? And then, there she was, and it just…well it feels like square one again.
"And I'm pretty sure I know why she was online, because tomorrow is her birthday, and a year since," Katie paused to reflect, while Taylor watched on cautiously.
When she was sure Katie wasn't going to continue the sentence on her own, Taylor gently prompted her friend to continue, "uh, since?"
"What?" Katie's attention snapped back to Taylor and the conversation. "Oh, since what?"
She sighed softly before whispering, "A lot of things. Her sweet sixteenth birthday, our um," Katie stopped, not sure if she wanted to finish that thought. "And it was the night we said our last goodbyes. The last day I saw her."
"Wow K," Taylor cut in with her usual brand of naïve bluntness. "No wonder you're thrown."
"Yeah," she responded with a sad twinge to her voice.
"Okay, that's it. I am borrowing Riley's car tomorrow and we are ditching. We'll hang out, go shopping at Pentagon Mall, eat lots of crap, and then see about what parties we can find on campus."
"Thank you for the offer but, you know, I'm going to be really crappy company tomorrow."
"I don't care Katie, I'm not leaving you to deal with all that alone. You need to be distracted so we are going shopping at least, and that's settled."
Katie couldn't help but smile at Taylor's concern, as unsure as she was about spending the momentous day with Taylor of all people. When Katie agreed to meet at 8:30am, they went their separate ways and Katie took a detour to her spot on the Leavey roof before heading home.
As if trying to prepare, or desensitize herself for the coming day, she sat in the familiar position and let her mind wander back to exactly twelve months earlier.
"I can't believe we only have 24 hours left until…" Jessie trailed off as she stared up at the attic's ceiling.
"I know. I know. But hey only," Katie paused and checked her watch, while trying to mask the sadness and pain in her voice. "fifty-seven minutes until the big birthday, my own personal day to give thanks for all that is you, and the day you officially become 'sweet'."
Katie grinned and received a beanie bear to the head for her effort.
"Dork," Jessie announced, unable to stop herself from grinning as she rolled to face the girl on her right.
"Perhaps, but I made you smile so I think my work here is done."
Katie's grin faded as she and Jesse were momentarily lost in the meeting of their eyes. It had been that way since the first time they locked eyes, each feeling as though the world slowly melted away and all that remained was the two of them. As if drawn by a force outside of their control, each girl's hand drifted towards its counterpart and their fingers effortlessly linked in a manner so ritualized it had become second nature. No matter how routine the action though, the contact still sparked a surge of electricity through their bodies.
Seconds, minutes or hours could pass in these moments and they would never know.
"I don't want to leave you," Jessie whispered.
Katie brought their joined hands up and pressed Jessie's palm against her thumping heart, while flattening her other hand against Jessie's chest.
"You're not. You're taking my heart with you remember, and I'll be right here with yours, keeping it safe until you come back to me."
Jessie nodded and a lone tear escaped and rolled down her nose. Katie slowly removed her hand from Jessie's heart and stopped the tear with her thumb before leaning across and gently kissing the tear away.
Touched by the sincerity and emotion behind the simple action, Jessie slid her fingers free and placed her hand lightly against Katie's jaw, drawing the older girl's lips to hers. A whimper escaped Jessie's body as overwhelming emotion coursed through her.
They were barely kissing, but rather fused together as Jessie desperately fought back the sobs that threatened to break from her throat. Katie's arm reflexively reached over and pulled Jessie closer to her body. The movement awoke Jessie's brain and she pulled her lips slightly back before recapturing Katie's and losing herself in a series of frenzied kisses, each trying desperately to convey the depth of her love and passion.
Katie's mouth stifled the sobs that Jessie could no longer contain and she trailed her hand up and down Jessie's back, waiting for the younger girl to calm down under her touch. When she felt her relax, Katie pulled back and stared deep into watery blue eyes, whispering a soothing 'shhhh' followed by, 'I love you'.
"I love you too Katie, with all my heart," Jessie whispered back before closing the small distance and grazing her lips ever so slightly against Katie's then tracing non-descript patterns with her nose against the soft skin of Katie's cheek.
Katie tilted her head up to capture Jessie's lips within her own. They kissed slow and languidly, while their fingers traveled delicately over hands, arms, jaw lines and hair, and they pretended to each other and themselves that they weren't secretly trying to memorize every second, every sensation and every inch of each other.
The next morning Katie sat in the passenger seat of the silver Honda Accord Riley had inherited when his parents' upgraded their car, and stared out the window as they passed the blur of buildings and cars headed to work on their way out of the District.
Taylor was heading into Maryland on a mission to ensure Katie ate a decent breakfast before they began the 'day of distractions' as she had secretly dubbed it. She glanced at Katie, who looked deep in thought, and tried to decide whether to interrupt and start a conversation. It briefly occurred to her that any conversation she attempted with the distracted Katie, was unlikely to last very long and decided to leave her with her thoughts until they reached their destination.
Ever since she awoke from her restless sleep, Katie's thoughts had been consumed by Jessie and speculation about what would happen. Things were going to change this day, this day that would always mean more to her than any other, and she was mostly wondering how and when it would happen.
In a stroke of perfect timing, although Katie had never believed anything that happened between her and Jessie was coincidence, Taylor had just pulled into the IHOP parking lot when Katie's phone began the ring.
The girls shared a glance, before Taylor put her hand on Katie's knee and said with a reassuring smile, "I'm going to pee, I'll be inside if you need me."
Katie struggled to return the smile before taking a deep breath and trying to steady her shaking hand as she answered the call.
"Hello?"
"Hi Katie."
"Jess," she breathed quietly as a storm of powerful emotions hit her like a boat being tossed around in a violent storm. "I didn't know if you were going to call."
"Of course I called. Today's a year since," she trailed off quietly.
"I know," Katie quickly countered and was greeted with a few moments of silence.
"Happy Birthday Jess."
"Thank you," she answered somewhat formally. "Although it's over soon."
"Right, the time difference," Katie confirmed.
"So how are you?"
"Really?" Katie couldn't help but bite back as a wave of anger broke out from the rest.
"Okay, I'm sorry. I just want to know that you're okay, or…I hoped you were doing better."
As if feeling her heart break all over again, Katie had to resist the urge to hang up and throw her phone as the realization behind Jessie's words seeped through. 'She wants me to be over it, like she is,' Katie thought bitterly.
"I'm fine," Katie announced stoically, and continued before Jessie could ask anything further. "How was your birthday? Did your dad make a big deal since he wasn't here last year?"
"Of course," Jessie exclaimed. "Colin somehow booked us the entire revolving restaurant in Sydney Tower, which is the city's highest building and overloo-"
"I know what Sydney Tower is," Katie interrupted, having familiarized herself with almost all of Sydney in books and on the internet while planning the trip she was never able to take.
"Oh, um, sorry. Anyway, it was amazing but Grace had a panic attack when the elevator stopped for a few minutes on its way to the top," Jessie laughed at the memory of her neurotic step-sister breathing into the Starbucks bag that had, until she began hyperventilating, housed the brownie Zoe had insisted she wanted after lunch and ended up not eating.
"Sounds great Jessie," Katie responded, her anger dissipating and being replaced by the sadness of knowing she wasn't there, and may never be there again, to share in Sammler-family celebrations.
"Yeah, " Jessie trailed off quietly.
The silence was broken after a few seconds as Jessie ventured softly, "I miss you Katie,"