Chapter 118

Four days. I glanced at the cuckoo. Four days, an hour, and seven minutes to be exact since I'd last talked to Monroe on the phone. Four days, four weeks, four months… What did it matter? My self-pity train had made treks around the world in the last few days. Chloe's melodrama was nothing compared to mine. But it was fine. I'd gone through the five stages of grief and was ending today on acceptance. It was over. We'd never been apart this long. He wouldn't answer my phone calls, and I was too prideful to go throw myself at his front door in a heap of tears. No, I was above groveling at least. Oh, melodrama. Monroe had every right to hate me. Acceptance. Yes, I'd just go with acceptance. It was over.

Fortunately work had been slow, so I'd spent most of my time closed off in my office, absorbed in plans for Denver with Daniel at my side. Even he wasn't bothering me so much. Work kept me sane. If I'd stopped for a second to think about Monroe, I'd relive the hell which was that Zaubertrank all over again. The few co-workers I had seen asked what was wrong. Wearing my pain clashed with my usually sunny disposition, so I couldn't hide it… Honestly I didn't want to. I'd feigned being under the weather, but they weren't buying that excuse. Hell, I didn't buy it either.

Each night when I'd went home, despair tugged at my heart. Sometimes in bed, if I closed my eyes and listened long enough, I could almost hear the cricket chirps of his VW. He'd never be outside, of course, but I'd go out and check just to make sure. Never had I felt such love for someone only for it to be too late. Too damn late. Four days, one hour, and now twelve minutes too late.

I'd had the weekend off, so the last couple of days I'd occupied my time with Natalie, Sandra, and Rosalee. It was amazing how quickly my schedule cleared up from being with two guys to none. One thing I wouldn't do was sit at home and sulk. I had a life to live and friends who cared about me. My inner fourteen year old would've loved to pine away while sitting in the house alone, but that just wasn't gonna cut it.

Explaining to Natalie my temporary insanity with loving Nick was an interesting feat, but I'd managed to convince her I'd had a lapse in judgment, and now I was suffering the consequences of losing both of them. She'd offered to set me up a dating profile, to which I'd tactfully declined. It was way too soon to start looking for replacements. I didn't want to replace Monroe. I still loved him and my heart wasn't ready to give up completely. No, I'd resign myself to being on my own for a while.

With my free time, I'd read Natalie's article, which was surprisingly well written. Maybe she had a flair for journalism, after all. She was already working on a review piece for a coffee shop that hosted a poetry slam monthly, which I was recruited to go 'witness' with her… an enlightening experience, to put it politely. She'd met a 'poet' there named Jeremiah, who I was pretty certain was Wesen, but hadn't seen the woge for proof. I'd been a third wheel on an impromptu date. Again, a real enlightening experience. They had plans to see each other next week, so I was happy for my friend.

I'd done a little retail therapy (Chloe's advice) at Sandra's boutique, and we'd hung out after she closed the shop. Sandra seemed relieved that Monroe might not return. She didn't trust Blutbaden, much like most of the Wesen community. When she had asked what happened, I'd alluded to bad choices, leaving it at that. Although my Squirrel friend was privy to the knowledge that I was a Grimm, she wasn't ready to go further down the rabbit hole of all the things it entailed. Small steps. Perhaps I could share more with her later, but for now the longer she remained in the dark, the safer she'd be.

Sandra was still painting, and there was talk about Madame Dazzles' galleries getting new ownership. She said that it was a human this time, which I was relieved about. Sandra had mentioned that she'd heard from the Nussesser grapevine that a Waschbar fitting Lydia's description was seen in Washington D.C. by a cousin of a cousin, or some such connection. I didn't want to think about her being anywhere, but if she was still around, being on the other side of the country was a little reassuring.

I'd spent some time with Rosalee at the spice shop, hoping I'd catch Monroe there. Our conversations had mostly revolved around Pete. They were still talking quite frequently, and she was looking forward to finding out if he got the job here in Portland. To be honest, so was I.

"You don't think his sister actually hates me, do you?" Rosalee had asked as she straightened the counter.

"Chloe just takes some time to warm up to people. She's a little over protective, but she's a wonderful woman, she really is."

"Well, I hope she can accept that Pete and I are… friends." She'd blushed slightly at the word. "I really don't want to cause any trouble," she'd added with a frown.

Resting my hand on hers, I'd replied, "I'll work on it, don't worry."

Fortunately, the subject had changed to Monroe, and when I'd asked, Rosalee had told me she'd talked to him a couple of times at the shop. She'd said he seemed to be fine, but he hadn't discussed too much with her. Although I'd tried probing for as much information as I could, all I could garner was his shopping lists. He'd bought some jasmine tea, whole leaf basil, and cinnamon sticks on his last trip. That was as much as she knew.

"Give him some time. I'm sure he'll come around," she'd said with a warm smile. At least she was optimistic.

When I wasn't with friends, I was either out in the woods running, or at yoga. I'd gone everyday, which was an incredible stress reliever. Even the Pilates machine was getting some use. I'd spent way too much money not to use those darn things. The internet had step-by-step instructions for workouts, and surprisingly I'd remembered a few moves from what Monroe had taught me. If I was going to defend myself, then I needed to keep my body strong enough to do it.

Nick had some ideas about defense. He and I were talking again and I'd even been back to the trailer a couple of times. I'd kept my promise to Nick; I wasn't going to hate him because of this. Sure, it wasn't easy after what had gone on between us, but we did work well together, and that database wasn't going to complete itself. Nick had given me the business card of an officer who taught self defense classes at one of the local gyms. It wasn't such a bad idea. Monroe was right, and I needed to learn to defend myself. The officer had a class beginning in a few weeks, so I'd work it into my schedule.

Since I had some free time, I took my car to the shop to fix the holes in my car seat that Mr. Pinhead the Stangebär had left me. I also donated some red clothes to the Goodwill. The small amount of time I did stay at home was spent cleaning out my DVR, talking to Chloe, and long conversations over the computer with my mom. She was near giddy about my upcoming vacation home.

With everything that had happened in Portland lately, I was looking forward to going back to Kentucky, too. I needed away from this place for a while. The slight fear of Adalind's confession about Mr. Royal Pain's jurisdiction ran through me, but it wouldn't stop me. It was my home, and nothing, not even Reapers, the Verrat, or any other crazy group out there, was going to keep me from seeing my mom. If I thought I could finagle it, I'd just move back, be done with it all, and kiss Portland goodbye. But that wasn't feasible nor smart. I could dodge Reapers for a week, but I didn't want to live in a constant battle. It wasn't safe.

Four days, one hour and twenty minutes now. I'd been thinking as more minutes had passed me by. Time separated Monroe and I further as the clock ticked forward. Monroe the clockmaker loved time, but right now I despised it. Finally I stood, jerking my head away from the clock. I'd sit and watch it all night if I kept it up.

I plugged in my MP3 player, putting Diana Ross on repeat like I'd been doing the past few days. I allowed my angsty fourteen year old her sappy music. It was the only thing I would allow.

"Love is here,
And oh, my darling, now you're gone.
You made me love you,
And oh, my darling, now you're gone…"

After a few plays tonight I switched it off. I was done with Ms. Ross. The words had run out long enough. I flipped through my MP3 player and turned it to Paul Simon instead. As the sad tunes of the guitar played on I sang along.

"Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island…"

Monroe wasn't the only one who could be stoic. I'd find some way to bury my emotions and survive. At least, I'd try. God, four days felt like an eternity. My fourteen year old angst tried to break through, but I held it back. No, it was just four days and there would be plenty more after that. I'd be fine.

"And a rock feels no pain and an island never cries..."

I'd just have to be a rock and an island. As Paul Simon finished, my cell phone rang out with Dire Straits. I turned off my music and answered the phone with a sigh.

"Hey," I said.

"I'm guessing he hasn't called you yet," said Nick. Was it that obvious? I needed to start sounding like myself again.

"No. He's not going to, and I'm okay with that." There. Acceptance.

"He just needs time," Nick replied. That was always the reply.

"Is that what he told you?"

"Yeah," he breathed out. "In so many words."

"Of course he did." Bros before hoes. I chuckled internally. Well, at least he was still talking to Nick about me. "So did you need something?" I asked him.

"Yeah, actually. I picked up the scanner you recommended, but I can't get it to respond. I scan the pages in, but it's not capturing the image."

"Give me a bit and I'll be over." I scowled as I hung up the phone. To think I'd ever called Nick brilliant. I openly shook my head as I changed into a pair of comfortable jeans and a t-shirt.

It didn't take long to drive to the trailer. I continued with Paul Simon on repeat as I drove. I was a rock and an island. I'd just keep saying it until I believed it.

(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)

"So I have it all hooked up, but it's just not doing anything." Nick pointed to the laptop. "Maybe it's defective."

I walked toward the laptop as Nick pulled out the wooden desk chair for me. He rested his hand on my shoulder and I stiffened.

"What did we talk about?" I removed his hand as I turned toward him. "No touching me, okay?"

"Sorry." Nick raised his hands up. "I forgot."

"And can you button your shirt when I come over here?" I scowled as I glanced at the top of his shirt standing open. "I think I've seen enough of your chest for one lifetime."

Nick's dumb grin surfaced as his fingers found the button hole. "Detective Sexy reads you loud and clear."

I shook my head in disgust and sat down. "And that's getting old, too, Nick."

"You're gonna have to relax." Nick laughed. "I feel just as awkward about some of the things I said and did, too. But rest assured I have no interest in ever doing anything with you ever again."

"Thank God for that." I refrained from an eye roll. "Speaking of, has your Captain said anything yet?"

"Still nothing," Nick replied. "I still don't think it was him that you saw."

"No, it was him." I shook my head at the memory. When it happened, my brain was fuzzy, but I could've sworn he smiled. Maybe Nick was right. With that potion, maybe I was imagining things.

"Juliette stopped by the station for lunch today. She chatted with the captain and Hank. I mean, I don't think he would've said anything if he had seen us, but he didn't seem like Juliette being there was anything but normal."

"I just don't want anything to come out, and we have an encore of what happened with Monroe, especially now that everything is fixed."

"Juliette's claws are less sharp than Monroe's." Nick laughed at his own joke.

"Is there a journal in here to teach you what a real sense of humor is?" I moved the scanner closer. "So, where's the box this came in?" I asked before he could retort.

Nick rummaged around and set the box on top of the desk.

I peered inside and pulled out a CD, shaking my head. "You didn't install the driver."

"Install what?"

"The driver. It's what the… Never mind." It was useless explaining it. "Give me a moment." I slid the CD in the laptop, clicking away until it was complete. "Did you even read the directions?" I asked him once I began a test page.

"Well, I didn't think it was necessary. You just plugged yours in and started scanning."

"Right, because mine was already set up." The test scan completed as the image appeared on the screen. "Okay. Looks like you're good." I glanced up at him. "How are you doing with the rest of the database?"

"It's going fine. I'm keeping the links in order, and I managed to attach a few new Wesen to the index without any trouble."

"Good," I replied with a strained smile. Well, perhaps he wasn't a complete lost cause after all.

"You sure you're still fine with me keeping the laptop?" Nick asked for the hundredth time. "I can understand if you wanna take it back."

"No. Keep it." I insisted for the hundredth time. "Like I told you, the reason for the purchase had nothing to do with the Zaubertrank. I probably would've asked you to chip in, but it was my purchase, and it's already here, so it stays."

"Okay." Nick nodded and then added, "Just checking."

"You want some help while I'm here?" I pointed over at my computer bag. "Two scanners are better than one."

"Yeah," he said. "If you have time, then that would be a big help."

"Time is all I have anymore." I held back my sigh as I focused on the computer screen.

(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)

For the next hour, Nick and I scanned pages in as I tried to avert my gaze of the trailer bed. I'd refused to sit on it since bringing myself to come back to the trailer. Just being back in here had been hard enough as it was. Nick liked to make jokes about the whole thing, but I wasn't laughing. It could've been so much worse. I reminded myself of that daily. Thank goodness he didn't see more of my two-thousand parts. Seeing me in a bra was nothing more than seeing me in a bikini. I could live with that shame. Still, just thinking about where he'd kissed me sent shudders of revulsion right through me.

I yawned as I finished attaching a diagram of a Rotznasig Carcaju to its description and closed my laptop. "I think I'm going to head home. I have two trainings back to back in the morning, and I'm going to do some Pilates before work."

"You're still doing that?"

I shrugged. "I have two Pilates machines. May as well get some use out of them." I looked up at him. "Know of anyone who'd like to buy a gently used one?"

Nick crossed his arms as he leaned back on the trailer bed. "Don't start selling things yet. Too soon for that."

"Monroe won't return my calls, Nick. I'm dead to him. He's abjured me." I stood as I gathered my things in the laptop bag.

"Abjured you? Was that in the Blutbad book? Do they do that?"

I shook my head. "No. It's not in the Blutbad book."

I thought about Alcide abjuring Debbie Pelt in True Blood. That's what this felt like anyway. Monroe may not have said the words, but he didn't want to talk to me, see me, or have anything to do with me. It was the best term I could come up with.

Nick raised an eyebrow. "Not sure what you mean, but I don't think Monroe's doing that."

"It's just… It's nothing." I let out a sigh as I slid my laptop bag up my shoulder. "I'm glad he made amends with you at least." I moved toward the trailer door, avoiding Nick's eyes as mine were tearing up. It seemed this island still had a blue lagoon.

"Have a good night, Nick." Without turning, I tossed him a quick wave as I opened the door.

"Hey, Renée. It'll be okay." Nick replied behind me as I went down the steps. "Just give him time."

"He's a clockmaker," I replied back despondently. "He has all the time he needs."

(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)

Dimming the lights in the living room, I walked over toward my coffee table and lit a few candles. Meditation after yoga was good, but it had been a long while since I'd done my own. Right now I needed to center myself. It was the only way I'd stop this stupid meltdown once and for all. Being this angsty over a guy was draining me dry. I was almost thirty years old. This wasn't my first break-up, and hell, with my track record it wouldn't be my last, either. The melodrama needed to stop, pronto. I was a self-sufficient, intelligent, and headstrong woman. Whatever was destined to happen, I'd always keep moving forward.

I sat down on the floor and crossed my legs. Liquid Blue's 'Autumn Leaves' played softly through my speakers as I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes. I focused on the clear, emerald green sphere of light in my mind's eye, letting it glow in front of me. Everyone had their own symbol, but mine had always been a green sphere. My breaths slowed, and the image sharpened. As the sphere grew larger, I breathed in its energy, filling myself with a familiar tranquility I'd… My eyes shot open. The Zen in the forest… The Waldgeists.

I closed my eyes again, imagining the green light once more as its energy enveloped me. Yes, this was that same feeling. It was more of a manufactured Zen than the natural feeling of being close to my relatives, but it had a similar effect. I reopened my eyes. Perhaps I'd been connecting with my Wesen side all along.

Maybe that was why I'd always seen a green sphere of light. My Ashtanga instructor back home had told me green was my heart Chakra opening up, but maybe the green was the magic of the Waldgeists. Chloe had said that when I'd touched Monroe, a green light came from my hands. And then there was the whole green glow of my eyes. Whatever it was, it was comforting, and I needed comfort right now. I allowed my eyes to close again and lost myself in tranquility.

The CD had long ended before I came out of my meditation. I smiled, which felt almost foreign after the last few days. No matter what happened I would be okay. I stood and stretched my back then lifted my arms, stretching upward. It was late, and I wanted to get my workout done before going to the office in the morning. I walked into my bedroom, closed the blinds, and undressed. After donning my flannel PJs, I pulled the covers back and settled into bed.

A/N: Okay, so Monroe has been MIA for a few days. There's a little summation of a few things and it seems, although, awkward, Nick and Renée are talking again.

Renée is finding that her Waldgeist side has been manifesting longer than she knew.

But what about Monroe? Guess we'll see what happens. (:

2 chapters to go! (: