Day 2,210
Clarke was determined to focus on the tangible. The feeling of the rover beneath her. The weight of Madi's head, resting in her lap. The touch of her daughter's hair, fanned out over her legs. The uncomfortable and unforgettable weight that rested on her hip.
While her right hand worked at delicately untangling the knots in Madi's hair, her left hand brushed over the top of the walkie again. The part of her that was still caught in the past yearned to make the call. To pour her worries and hurt out to her one ally. But the mother in her, she was too angry for words. That was the 'mama bear,' she thought bitterly. The moment of understanding, of comradery she had felt the day before had been fleeting.
For the first time in six years, Clarke had nothing good to say to Bellamy Blake. For the first time in years, he had stopped being a source of hope and comfort, and instead felt like a threat. The divide between them had never felt so vast. Their relationship had never been built on agreement, it had been fraught with tension and arguments, but it always had the underlying current of respect. Each fight had been vicious and biting and maliciously honest, but Bellamy and Clarke seemed to always be able to listen to each other, and to hear each other. But this, this felt insurmountable. This felt worse than when he was in space. She had seen a future then. But now, that future was further away than ever.
She was failing at the plan to not focus on it. But why shouldn't she focus on it? She was allowed to be furious that the person she relied on, she trusted, she even loved, betrayed her. Because it stung! It stung, and it hurt and it sucked. It sucked.
Not to mention, it was easier to think about the pain than it was to think about the feelings that she still had for him, the feelings that churned in her stomach under the thick layer of betrayal. The worry that could consume her, if she wasn't careful. The guilt for leaving him behind to face the wrath of Blodreina.
No. It was much easier to give into the rage.
Gently, as to not disturb Madi, who was still recovering from bonding with the Flame, Clarke slid Madi's head from her lap, and onto her coat that she had bundled up as a pillow.
Clarke brushed some stray hair from Madi's face, and made sure she had a blanket over her, before hopping out the back of the rover. She unclipped the walkie as she angrily strode to the hood of the rover, hopping on and resting her elbows on her knees. Quickly, and without much thought, brought the walkie talkie to her mouth and spoke.
"It's day 2,210, and I wish you hadn't come back from the Ark.
"I'd say something self-deprecating, like how maybe I'm a monster for thinking that, how I don't deserve anyone besides Madi, but honestly, I don't care. Who cares who is a monster anymore? We are who we have to be. And right now, the people you and I have to be don't work together.
"She is twelve years old, Bellamy. Twelve years old. If anyone had even thought about doing something like this to Octavia when she was 12, she would be dead faster than they could voice the idea. But, who cares about Madi, right? No, your family is Raven, and Murphy, and Emori, and Echo. What is Madi compared to them? She's just another unfortunate sacrifice. An acceptable loss.
"I guess I was another acceptable loss, too. Because you had to know you'd lose me."
Clarke closed her eyes, resting her head on the back of her hand. Did Bellamy lose her? She couldn't be sure. But right now, in the heat of everything, it felt like he did. But she was never really his to lose, was she? Not yet, at least.
"You painted a target on her back, Bellamy. You promised me that she would be safe, and then you go and put her in the least safe position I've ever experienced. Do you not remember what happened to Lexa? Do you really care that little about me that you would subject me to losing another person? Or are you that hyper focused on your family that you don't care who else gets hurt. You must be so used to space, keeping the six of you alive, that you don't know how not to sacrifice others to do so."
Then came the pain. Before, the separation between Clarke and Spacekru felt like something that could be healed, an incision that could be stitched back together. But now it was a gaping wound. And Clarke felt it, she felt it like someone had ripped a piece of her off, like there was a hole in her chest the size of a dinner plate.
"The stupid, ugly, immature truth of the matter is that I'm scared. I am terrified. I can't lose Madi. She is all I have. She is the best part of me. She's… she's different now. She is still Madi, but there is more now. I see Lexa in her. Hedas die, Bellamy. You signed my twelve-year-old daughter up for a life of pain and power and danger. You took away her choice, just like the Ark did to me and Octavia and the rest of the hundred. You took her choice just like your mother took yours by forcing the responsibility of your sister on you. You're just as bad as the council, and you're just as bad as the zealots.
"I was supposed to be done, Bellamy. My fight was supposed to be over. We talk about being a cockroach, but every time I don't die is just more sacrifices I have to make. And I could do it. I did do it, for months. I sacrificed everything. Finn, Lexa, freedom, happiness. I sacrificed my life for you, Bellamy. Praimfaya was supposed to be the end of my sacrifices. I was supposed to be able to have peace. I just want to rest, Bellamy. Haven't we sacrificed enough?"
Clarke angrily wiped tears from her eyes. He didn't deserve them right now.
"I can't lose Madi. And I won't. I'm going to get my mom, and Kane and Raven and Murphy and everyone else. Because that's the right thing to do. And because I love them too, which you seem to forget. I was never willing to let them die. I don't know why you didn't trust me to make the right decision. I don't know why you didn't work with me to find a right decision. But you made your choice. And now you have to live with it."
She didn't point out that he would likely have to die with it. She refused to acknowledge the pain she felt for condemning him to death. She had to focus on Madi.
"You want forgiveness, Bellamy? Too fucking bad."