This chapter covers a quite a few of the warnings listed for this fic... rape/non-con, unwanted pregnancy, abortion, and suicidal thoughts. Please proceed with caution.

My body is not a democracy.
It is an empire
and I am its dictator.
You do not get a vote.
There will be no coup d'etat.
Rebel forces will not overthrow me.
I am in charge of it
forever.

- teafly

Now:

The Misty Mountains loomed over the Company as they continued their steady march East. Bilbo kept thinking again and again that the mountains seemed so close, that they would be reaching them soon. Yet it had been a few days since she had first thought that, and they hardly seemed any closer now.

It was midday now, the sun hanging high in the sky and beating down on them. Their short reprieve in Rivendell had been a refreshing and much-needed rest, but the Hobbit and many of the Dwarves were still weary from their travels. The weight of the sun bearing down on them didn't help. Bilbo wished they could have spent more time relaxing in the home of the Elves, but Thorin and the other Dwarves had been eager to continue on.

"We'll rest here." The light breeze carried Thorin's voice down the line of Dwarves and startled Bilbo from her longing for her bed in Rivendell. Their midday halts were typically meant more for the ponies than for the Company. The animals were hardy but Thorin worried about pushing them too far too fast and didn't want to risk a sick or injured pony.

The Company dismounted their ponies and lead them to the nearby stream to drink. Bombur pulled out the dried meat that would serve as their lunch. Bilbo moved to grab a piece from her friend, but paused as she noticed some of the plants that joined the willows lining the creek bed. They looked familiar and, if Bilbo was seeing what she thought she was seeing, she would be eating well for the next few days.

Bombur gave her a strange look as she strode past him, completely ignoring the food in his hands. She hurried to the nearest shrub and felt a spark of joy. The bush was taller than her, taller than any of the Dwarves and perhaps even Gandalf. It was covered with little round berries that were a sort of red-ish purple in color, some of them so dark they looked to be almost black. When Bilbo had inspected the leaves and berries enough to confirm that they were chokecherries, she plucked one and popped it in her mouth.

Humming happily to herself, Bilbo removed her vest and laid it on the ground. She would collect the berries on it for now and transfer them to her saddle bag later.

She paused suddenly, a hand going to her stomach. With a layer of clothing removed, she could really see her figure for the first time since she'd gazed in the mirrors in Rivendell.

It had been almost three months since Bilbo had left the Shire behind, giving up a lifestyle of seven meals a day and only short leisurely strolls through Hobbiton. Since then she had been eating much less, been sick fairly often, and walked incredible distances. Even with all the feasts they had eaten with the Elves, her belly should be shrinking. Instead, it seemed to be growing rounder.

Almost as if…

It was then that the world fell out from beneath Bilbo's feet.

.

"Burglar!" was the shout that jolted Bilbo from her shock. She was still frozen in place, a hand on her belly and her vest at her feet.

Bilbo turned to find Thorin stomping toward her, looking slightly irritated. Behind him, the rest of the Company was gathering their ponies and preparing to depart.

"Burglar," he said again when he reached her. Bilbo wondered idly if she should ask him to call her Bilbo just so he would stop reminding her of the dreadful task she had been hired to do. "We're leaving."

Bilbo stared at him for a moment, struggling to summon the energy to move. Then she nodded numbly and swept up her vest, moving silently past the dwarf to find Myrtle. The idea of collecting berries was gone from her mind, replaced by this horrifying idea. And the more desperately she wished to ignore it, the more she thought about it and soon it was clear to her that this was the only logical conclusion. It all made sense.

Because of course her life needed to take another turn for the worse right now.

.

"Will you join me, lass?"

Startled, Bilbo's head snapped up to find a Dwarf before her. It was Oin.

The Company had set up camp for the evening and the Dwarves had, thankfully, left her alone after she had been silent and on the verge of tears for the rest of the day's ride. She was sitting beside the fledgling fire, staring at her feet even as the thought niggled in the back of her mind that she should be doing something to help them.

Oin was the first Dwarf to approach her and Bilbo felt her mind stir, awakening again to the world beyond the bump of her stomach.

"Nothin' much grows up in the mountains," Oin explained to her, "so I need to gather herbs while I still have a chance. Might also be able to find some of those mushrooms you like so much."

Offering a weak smile, Bilbo shook herself from her stupor and nodded. "I can help."

"I'll come too," said Fili, materializing beside Bilbo and startling her again. "Kili's busy annoying Uncle, so I've got nothing better to do."

The three of them walked away from the camp in silence. They stepped into the sparse forest, eyes on the ground and Oin began to explain what they were looking for. The Dwarves had certainly picked on Bilbo's depressed and despairing mood but they refrained from asking what was wrong. Bilbo was ridiculously grateful.

As they combed the forest floor, picking up this plant and that, Bilbo purposefully put distance between herself and the Dwarves. She didn't want to talk to them, didn't want them to ask her why she was acting so strange. She wished desperately that she could think about something else, anything else, but to no avail. Her earlier realization was the only thing in her mind as she scanned the ground and all she could see was that everything was collapsing down around her, her whole world crumbling.

Bilbo moved into a clearing, idly picking berries as she went, and suddenly found herself frozen. The fog in her mind dissipated abruptly.

Before her was a patch of small yellow flowers. The heads of the plant looked a little like the buttons on Bilbo's vest and the stems were a reddish color, dotted with long green leaves.

Tansy was a flower that was used in small quantities as a bitter herb in Hobbit cooking. In large doses, it had the ability to kill a child in the mother's womb and even, in some rare instances, a full-grown Hobbit. Bilbo knew what the flower looked like. She also knew that it grew most places, including, it seemed, here at the foot of the Misty Mountains. Her surroundings faded away as Bilbo found yellow and green and red overtaking her vision. Here, here was the solution to her problem.

The Hobbit dropped to her knees, plucking from the ground every single yellow flower she could get her hands on. Soon, her hands were full. Without a second thought, Bilbo ripped the head of one flower from its stem and tore off its petals. She put a few in her mouth to taste it. A fruity and slightly bitter taste exploded in her mouth, confirming what she had already known.

This was tansy, and it would make her problems go away.

"Bilbo," Oin began in a tight voice. Bilbo hadn't even noticed him entering the clearing. "That's poisonous."

Bilbo sat frozen for a few moments, her grip tightening around the flowers in her hand. She refused to look up. "I know."

There was a short, tense silence, then: "Fili, get Thorin."

At Oin's request, Fili dashed from the clearing.

"Don't," Bilbo said, finally lifting her eyes, but Fili was already gone. Anger infiltrated her voice. "I'm fine."

"Put the plant down, please."

"You don't understand!" Bilbo exclaimed. She sat back, surprised at how loud and desperate her voice had become. More quietly, "You don't understand. No. I need to do this. Please just leave me alone."

"Lass, we're not going to stand by and watch you kill yourself."

"I'm not trying to... to kill myself!" exclaimed Bilbo, horrified at the suggestion. She was startled to realize that ingesting all of the tansy no matter the consequences had indeed crossed her mind. The thought made something cold and uncomfortable settle in the pit of her stomach. "I'm not. I just... I-I'm trying to... I'm not trying to kill myself."

There was a rush of voices nearby, and the sound of Dwarves crashing through the underbrush.

Oin took a cautious step forward, stopping and raising his hands in surrender when Bilbo shrunk away from him. "I'm afraid I don't understand, Bilbo."

"Of course you don't! You're men! All of you! You've never had to worry about anything like this. It's never even crossed your minds!"

Bilbo found herself on her feet, the flowers crushed in her fists and her voice increasing in volume.

"You don't understand! YOU'VE NEVER BEEN BETRAYED BY THE ONE YOU LOVED!" The tears blurred her vision, but she could still see that most of the Company was now standing before her. "I didn't want him to touch me! And I didn't want to become pregnant either! Not now! But he wouldn't listen to me. Why wouldn't he listen to me?"

"Miss Baggins..." Was that Thorin's voice? Bilbo was too distraught to tell.

"I can't let it live. I won't. I want it to be gone, to forget that it ever happened." She was beginning to lose steam and she felt weak, faint. Perhaps she should sit down? "This is the only future I will take."

Hands reached for her, and Bilbo flinched. Whoever had been trying to approach her stilled.

"May I place my hands on your shoulders, Miss Baggins?"

Thorin. That was Thorin's voice. Bilbo found herself nodding before she could think better of it.

Two large, Dwarven hands reached for her again, more slowly this time. They settled onto her shoulders, unbelievably gentle. Bilbo couldn't prevent the flinch all the same.

Thorin knelt down in front of her, hands still resting on her shoulders. His face finally entered her gaze - which had been resting, unfocused, somewhere near his boots - and he stared up at her with wide, concerned eyes.

Bilbo's feet could support her no longer. She sank back down to the ground, arms wrapped around herself in a desperate attempt to keep herself together. Thorin slowly wrapped his own arms around her, giving her plenty of opportunity to pull away or to refuse. She leaned into his chest and, as he pulled her close, she became aware of the horrible keening that was escaping her throat. She tried to swallow it down, but only succeeded in sobbing loudly.

"I'm sorry," she sobbed out, though what she was apologizing for, she wasn't sure. For breaking down, maybe. Or perhaps for burdening the Dwarves with her presence and her problems. Or maybe for having wanted a child and then changing her mind. No matter the reason, apologies tumbled from her lips without her approval. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

.

Then:

"I want a big family someday."

"It's only a few months until we are finally married. 'Someday' is quite soon, Bilbo."

"I know. Which is why we should talk about it. Growing up as an only child was quite lonely. Especially after my parents…"

"Cousins just aren't quite the same, I suppose."

"They're really not."

"How many children, then? Four? Five?"

"Perhaps. Or perhaps more."

"I can't wait to make babies with you."

"Freddie! Oh hush, you. Don't let the neighbors hear you say such things."

"I will say whatever I want. You are mine, Bilbo. Mine."

"Yours. Always."

.

Now:

When they returned to camp, the Dwarves urged her to sit close to the fire, wrapping a blanket around her shoulders and handing her a hot bowl of rabbit stew. She ate in silence, not looking anyone in the eye. She could hear the quiet murmur of Thorin, Balin, and Oin's voices in the distance and wondered what they thought of her now.

She had been so stupid to let this happen to her. She shouldn't have let Fredegar into her smial that night, should have been firmer in saying no. And she certainly shouldn't have encouraged Fredegar with all of those stolen kisses. Bilbo thought of those hidden moments when their bodies were pressed together and all thoughts of propriety were abandoned, and she knew she had led her fiance to believe she wanted to be intimate with him.

As she had since that night, Bilbo wondered if she was wrong to feel this way about the incident, to feel like it was a betrayal and a violation. She and Fredegar had planned on marrying. And sex was something that husbands and wives did, something everyone knew was expected of them because how else would hobbits have such large families? Maybe she had overreacted. Maybe she was wrong to not have wanted her fiance that way on that horrid night.

Bilbo was terrified that, now that someone knew what had happened, such thoughts would be confirmed. Arwen had been furious on her behalf, had told her Fredegar should never have touched her without her permission but Bilbo was still unconvinced. And the Dwarves… Would they think less of her for letting something like this happen to her? Or for not satisfying her fiance? For abandoning him without a word?

A presence was suddenly standing over her and Bilbo startled, hot stew sloshing over the edge of her bowl and onto her hand.

"My apologies," said Thorin, wincing when she hissed in pain. "I did not mean to startle you."

Bilbo tensed as he knelt before her again, unsure of what was coming next. He handed her a piece of cloth to clean up the spilled stew and then began to speak.

"Miss Baggins," said Thorin gently as she dabbed at her hand, "this is your choice."

She looked up, surprised. "What?" she croaked, voice raw from shouting and crying.

"This decision is yours to make," he said, his eyes grave but earnest. "If you decide against ending the pregnancy, we will find a place that is safe for you and give you whatever assistance you may need, whether that be coin, food, companionship, an escort somewhere... And if you decide to terminate the pregnancy... Oin can find a way to do so safely, so that you are not hurt."

One of the Dwarves made a strangled noise of protest, but was quickly shushed.

"We will stand by you, no matter what you chose," Thorin continued. "We are at your service, Bilbo Baggins."

Bilbo stared at him, eyes wide. She didn't know what reaction she had expected from the Dwarves, but this level of acceptance was certainly not it. There were tears dripping down her face again.

"Thank you." She was at a loss for words in the face of this astounding kindness, so she simply said again, "Thank you."

"We would not blame you if you decided to turn back, no matter what you chose to do about the pregnancy," Balin said, stepping closer. "We can nullify the contract if you wish it, and escort you as far as Rivendell."

The campsite was silent for a long moment, the Dwarves holding their breath as they waited for Bilbo's response.

"I..." started Bilbo uncertainly, "I don't want to turn back. I promised I would help you and I want to see that through. I want to keep going and I don't... I don't think I can..."

"We will support you in whatever choice you make," Thorin said again when her voice faded into silence. "But that does not mean you must make a choice immediately."

"Okay," Bilbo whispered. She took a deep breath. "Okay, I'll think about it."

.

As soon as Bilbo had finished her stew, Dori came along and pressed a cup of tea into her hands. "Chamomile," he explained, "I thought it might help. Oin said it was safe."

Bilbo murmured her thanks and watched as Kili snagged her pack and laid out her bedroll close to the fire. He then picked up his own bedroll and moved to lay it out next to Bilbo's, but hesitated.

"I don't mind," said Bilbo. When Kili looked to her in surprise, she clarified, "If you sleep beside me, I mean. I don't mind it. In fact, I find it rather comforting. Fili too."

Kili's face lit up at that. He quickly arranged their bedrolls. He made to sit beside her once he was finished, but Bofur, Bifur, and Bombur wandered over and asked if they could sit with her. When she agreed, Kili made sure she was alright before hurrying off to find his brother. The two spent the remainder of the evening huddled close, murmuring quietly to each other.

Beside her, Bombur launched into an elaborate description of the feast he planned to make once they had successfully defeated the dragon. Bofur and Bifur simultaneously complained that he was torturing them and made requests for particular foods. Bilbo, grateful for the distraction, added in her own suggestions.

"A feast fit for kings," sighed Bombur. "Or heroes."

Nori pulled both Bofur and Bifur into a loud and enthusiastic conversation about whether any of the ale stored in Erebor would still be good. A few of the other Dwarves jumped in with their own opinions and the camp soon devolved into a rowdy exchange of drinking tales. Bombur and Bilbo sat apart from the others, looking on with fond exasperation.

.

Sooner than she normally would, Bilbo made her way to her bedroll. The Dwarves grew quiet as she did so, and Bilbo felt slightly guilty because she knew they would cut their conversations short so they wouldn't disturb her rest. But she was exhausted, both mentally and physically, and didn't think she could stay awake any longer.

As soon as she laid down, however, Bilbo found that she couldn't fall asleep. Her mind was too full. She laid awake, staring at the flames of the campfire as the camp settled down for the night. The movement around her stilled and the night grew quiet.

She heard the quiet call of her name and rolled over, humming in question at Kili. The fire behind her illuminated his face, but Bilbo still wasn't able to decipher his expression. She thought he looked troubled, but there was something else as well…

"Would you… Do you ever think you might stay with us in Erebor? Instead of going back to the Shire?"

It had crossed her mind, certainly. How could it have not? After fleeing her life in the Shire and discovering such kindness among the Dwarves, it had occurred to her that maybe she didn't have to return to her old life. She had begun to wonder if maybe she could find happiness elsewhere. Perhaps in one of those mysterious communities where beings of many different species were rumored to live in harmony, if she could find one.

But she hadn't thought she'd be welcome to stay in Erebor after she fulfilled her contract (if she was still alive at that point). She was a Hobbit, after all, and Erebor was a kingdom of Dwarves. She couldn't belong there. She hadn't dared to think that maybe the Dwarves would want her to stay, despite that.

"Thorin would want you there with us, surely," he continued quietly. "And we'd make sure you were taken care of. You and… and the baby too, if you want."

Bilbo stared hard at Kili, looking closely for any sign of deceit. She didn't truly think he would play so cruel a joke on her, especially after the events of the day. Still, people she had trusted had betrayed her in the past.

"You think…" murmured Bilbo, trying not to let hope consume her, "you think he'd let me stay?"

"Of course," said Kili earnestly, his face relaxing into a slight smile. "You're one of us now."

Bilbo blinked dazedly. What an incredible thought!

Kili reached out a hand and laid it over the top of Bilbo's, where it was clutching at the edge of her blanket. They laid like that until Bilbo was finally, finally able to close her eyes and fall asleep.

.

Bilbo rose early the next morning, just as dawn was beginning to tug at the sky. She thought perhaps she was more exhausted than when she had retired for the night but she knew she wouldn't be able to fall back asleep.

She was surprised to find that Thorin also awake and sitting with Balin, who had watch. But he was exactly who she needed to talk to, so she gratefully gathered her blanket around her shoulders and tiptoed around a gently snoring Fili to join them where they sat.

"Good morning, Bilbo," said Balin, shifting over on the log to give her a place to sit.

"Miss Baggins," greeted Thorin.

"Call me Bilbo, please."

Thorin's serious expression flickered and Bilbo thought he looked almost… pleased. "Bilbo. Thank you. I… heard Kili speaking with you last night."

Her heart fluttered in her chest, as though preparing to either leap up into her throat or drop out through the bottom of her stomach, depending on the next words out of the Dwarven king's mouth.

"He is correct that you would be welcomed in Erebor. Once our kingdom has been reclaimed, you will always have a place there."

Bilbo stared at him.

"Miss Ba- Bilbo. Are you alright?" Thorin asked, his expression growing concerned the longer Bilbo gaped at him.

"Fine…" murmured Bilbo, finally blinking. "I'm fine. Just… surprised, is all."

Thorin's frown returned and Bilbo wondered how she'd ever mistaken his concern for anger. He told her firmly, "You are always welcome among us. Never doubt that."

"I… thank you. You have no idea how much this means to me." The three of them sat in silence for a moment, watching as the camp began to stir, before Bilbo finally forced herself to say, "I've made my decision."

She took a deep breath, doing her best to ignore the concerned looks on Thorin and Balin's faces. "I am uncertain about the… baby… but I will continue on with you for now. I am a little over three months along now and most Hobbit women continue life as normal until their eighth month, even those who work in the fields."

Oin approached them before anyone could comment, asking loudly how Bilbo was feeling and if she had made a decision. Bilbo assured him she felt fine and repeated her decision.

"Three months?" she heard one of the Dwarves murmur. When she looked, she found that the rest of the Dwarves were awake now.

Kili was sitting atop his bedroll, hair still wild from sleep. He was staring at her with wide, horrified eyes. "No wonder you were so terrified of us barging into your home," he nearly whispered, and Bilbo knew he had done the math.

She gave a terse nod. "It was… It happened not even a fortnight before you arrived."

There was a long moment of silence as the Dwarves digested this information and Bilbo steadied her breathing. Then Balin cleared his throat, gathering her attention.

"Are you certain you wish to do this?" he asked. He looked very grave. "Rivendell would be the safest place for you, and it is only a week's journey. Our path ahead is fraught with danger and we do not know if we will come across a community where you would be safe if you decided to have the baby."

Bilbo nodded. "I know the elves would welcome me in Rivendell. Arwen said as much before we departed. But I can't imagine being there without the Company and it would drive me mad to be so far away without any way of knowing if you were safe or not. I… it is selfish of me to make this decision, I understand that, yet I would stay with you for now…"

It occurred to Bilbo quite suddenly that perhaps they didn't wish for her to continue with them. She hastily added, "If you would let me, that is. I know I would be a burden on the Company. Perhaps it would be better if-"

"We would be glad for you to continue with us," Thorin interrupted. "But the road is dangerous and there is never any guarantee that we will live to see its end. We only wish for you to understand the risks you would be taking."

Bilbo breathed a sigh of relief. That was one worry assuaged, at least. "I understand the risks."

She let her eyes roam over the Company, studying each Dwarf in turn. She was in awe of the kindness and concern she found on their faces. Bilbo doubted she would have found such support among her own people. The thought made her throat ache with the threat of tears and she had to clear it before she could speak again.

"When I joined you, I was thinking only of myself. I didn't come because I believed in your cause. I wanted only to escape what had happened to me and the uncertainty of what to do next… I was selfish. So selfish. But you are my friends now and I… never imagined my heart could be so full of affection. The future is still so uncertain for me but…

"Your home has been stolen from you. I will do anything to help you get it back, if I can."