Day 2,211
"I guess 2,211 days has changed more than just you.
"I mean less than one day changed Madi. But 2,211. It took 2,211 days for my mom to overdose."
Clarke swallowed, her hand tightening on the walkie talkie. Her head fell towards it slightly, until her lips touched the piece of machinery.
"God, I wish I didn't have to do this. I wish I didn't need this damned crutch. I wish that I was strong enough to do this on my own. But I wished for a lot of things that don't come true. And the wishes that do? Well, someone has a twisted sense of humor."
Clarke's anger remained. It burned and toiled in her stomach. It was, however, muted by the distraction of her mother. The constant panic of her mom's health mixed with the heart-stopping fear that Bellamy might be dead, leading to an awful, anxiety riddled concoction of dread and guilt.
"It's easier for me to think of you as two separate people. My Bellamy, and the new Bellamy. Of course, the new Bellamy is probably dead now. And, as Madi loves to remind me, it's my fault. I think how I felt about you bled into my stories too much, because it she seems to care about you the most.
"I'm still mad. Furious, really. She's in pain, Bellamy. She is feeling the pain of the past commanders. You have subjected her to an unimaginable torture. I bet you didn't know about the effect the previous commanders had. You probably didn't bother to ask, either. My twelve-year-old daughter felt as Becca Pramheda was burned alive. I had to sit and watch as my daughter felt her skin melt. And, if you recall, I know how that feels.
"No, I need to stop. I can't do this right now. Right now, I need my Bellamy, I need someone to talk to, because, God Bellamy it's all just too much."
She was selfish. She left him to die, and is now demanding his guidance? Granted, it isn't really him, but still. She would never stop astounding herself with the lengths to which she would go.
"I found my mom. She had overdosed. I managed to save her, but just by the skin of my teeth. I can't… I can't even think about losing her. I've barely gotten her back. She hasn't even met Madi yet.
"I don't know why I keep trying to save people, it's not like I could ever make up for the lives I've taken. I suppose it's a reflex. And it hurts to watch people suffer. My life would be so much easier if I could stop caring."
Clarke glanced toward the bed where her mother lay. Madi was dutifully dabbing her head with a damp rag.
"I didn't take the Flame out. Madi made it clear that she would just put it back in. And, despite everything, I can't destroy it. Because it's still Lexa. She's seen Lexa, Bellamy. Lexa. I am torn between wanting Madi to tell me everything, and wanting to sew her mouth shut so I won't know the horrid details. It's just – its Lexa. It's been six years and I still can't stop loving her. But then again, I guess the same could be said of you.
Clarke cleared her throat, shifting her weight.
"There was a mutiny. McCreary overthrew Diyoza. I don't know where Raven, Emori, Echo, Murphy, or Kane are. But… McCreary killed the defectors. I think I'm safe for now, but I don't think I can move my mom. She is too unstable.
"What the hell happened down there? I can't imagine what would be bad enough to warrant my mom becoming an addict, to force Kane into the pit, for Nylah and Miller to start following Blodreina so blindly, for Octavia to become… Whatever she is now.
"Back on the Ark, my dad loved to read vintage comic books. Mostly from the twentieth century. He used to show them to me when I couldn't sleep. He would say that, no matter where we were, or what happened, there was always someone there willing to stand up and fight. There was one that he liked, about this scientist named Bruce Banner. Bruce Banner was a genius, but he was mild-mannered, more comfortable in a lab than a battle field. But he always wanted to help. Then, when he was doing some experiment with radiation, he accidentally mutated himself. When he became angry, he became this huge green monster, called the Hulk. The Hulk was wild, uncontrollable, angry, and violent. But he still helped. When helping the superheroes, the Hulk didn't really know when to stop. He would accidentally destroy cities he was trying to save. But no matter what the Hulk did, Bruce Banner was always inside, waiting to come back out.
"Maybe Octavia is like Bruce Banner. I do think her Hulk, Blodreina, that she thinks she is doing what's best. But, and I have said it before, but she is in there. Somewhere. I hope."
She laughed lightly, shaking her head. Madi looked over, concerned. But Madi knew what Clarke was doing, what she needed to do, so she just got back to her work.
"Good job, Clarke, keeping it optimistic, as usual. I know I say how I want your guidance, but God, I wish I could be there for you, too. I wish there were two of me. I wish I could help you try to get through to her. I wish I could have helped you out of the pit.
"And, despite that, I still don't forgive you. I can't. Did I tell you how Madi and I met? I was in Shallow Valley, radioing you, actually. I had just found some berries, when I saw her. She was just watching me. She looked feral, hair matted, face covered in dirt. And then she ran. I went after her, and she lured me into a bear trap. And then she charged me, screaming 'die Fleimkeepa.' She had been running from the Flame her entire life. And you can say it was her choice, she chose to be the commander, and that she did it to save me, but you manipulated her. You might not want to see it that way, but you did. I asked you to save her, not me.
"I just don't know what to do. It's like I'm stuck at a crossroads, an equally shit choice each way. I just wish that I had someone to help me navigate, because I'm struggling on my own. After Praimfaya, I had you, or the shadow of you to help me. Then, when you came down, I thought I'd have my partner back. But, of course, you had changed. But this fictional you I had constructed in my head had been perverted. It feels different now, talking to you through the radio. Because I know that everything is different. I can't imagine a scenario where we will get through this. Because you have a right to be mad at me as well. And I understand. I am angry, but I understand. I hope you do, too.
"I don't forgive you, but I hope that I will. I hope that you can forgive me. No matter what, we do better when we work together. We are unstoppable when we work together. I'm just scared about what we will be if we work against each other."