Day 2,112
By all accounts, Clarke should have finally felt at home. She was seated on her bed, in the house she had lived in for years. Her mom was alive, and working in the next room, and her daughter was helping her. But the loneliness followed Clarke like a shadow, making sure she never forgot who she was or what she had done.
Clarke got up and walked over to the door. She watched for a moment, noting the tension Madi held in her shoulders. It was late, and the Eligius prisoners had all gone, but Madi remained on edge. Madi didn't trust Abby, and Clarke didn't blame her. There was no bond between the two, nothing besides a perfunctory relationship based upon their love for Clarke. Clarke deemed her mother safe from her daughter, and wondered how that became something she had to take into account.
Clarke crossed the room, taking a seat by the window with the best view of the night sky. It was her favorite place in the home that she had made with Madi. One of her sketch books sat untouched in front of the seat, charcoal still by it. It was relatively new, and, unlike the worn pages of her other books, no one had greedily torn through it. No one had invaded her thoughts, pored undiluted onto the page. The entirety of the night sky was spread out in front of her, and the moon illuminated the earth enough that she could see over the trees and rolling hills. It was where she would sit, after Madi had gone to bed. At this vantage point, Clarke felt as though, if she looked hard enough, maybe she could see the Ark amongst the stars, or the tower in Polis, sitting on top of a bunker.
"You know, Bellamy, I used to tell Madi stories. 2,112 days, it's a lot of time to fill, so I told her tales. More like one, long story. The story of a hundred scared kids, and how they banded together, against all odds, and somehow managed to survive until the grown-ups came to help them. I told them to her for a thousand reasons. To help her sleep, to stay close to you, to remember. To remind myself it was real. For all I knew, Madi and I were the last humans alive, and ours is a story that deserves to be told.
"I told her about how Raven overcame the monster that stole her mind. I told her about you and Murphy, fighting your way to the tallest room in the tallest tower in Polis to get to me, and defeat the beast. Her favorite was always the story of Skairipa, death from above, fighting in the conclave. She hadn't even been on the ground a year, and your sister beat people who had been training their entire lives. How she did something you and I never could have done, sacrificing her own people for the greater good.
"I never told her any of my stories. I never wanted to – I never felt like a hero. I never wanted to be a hero. All I ever wanted was their survival, and I would do whatever it took to get there. But I never told her about the igniting the fuel in the dropship. I never told her about escaping with Lexa. I never told her about Mount Weather. How could I? How could I tell her everything that I had done, just to save my people? I had barely gotten her to trust me, I couldn't tell her of the horrors I had committed. I made my peace with what I had done as I watched my world go up in flames.
"Turns out, I didn't need to worry about that. She knows what I've done, everything I've done. Another side effect of the flame that you didn't consider."
Clarke breathed in deeply, holding her breath for a moment before releasing. Bellamy and the flame was an argument for another day.
"Madi told me that I was a hero. All of the things I was most ashamed of, that I had tortured myself over, was what made me strong. But what I am doing now? This is what makes Madi is ashamed of me.
"Bellamy, I don't know what to do. I am caught between to unimaginable evils. Sociopathic murders and literal cannibals."
Clarke hesitated over the word cannibal. It was unfathomable, what her mother had done. And Bellamy didn't even know. He didn't know what his sister had truly become, what she had done to survive, to keep the human race alive.
"Madi can't understand why I'm doing this. Why I'm helpingMcCreary. God, I don't understand why I'm helping McCreary. It kills me to help him. But if the choice is between being with Eligius and Madi not understanding, versus being with Wonkru and them killing her, there is no choice."
Clarke could feel her resolve weakening. The anger was still there, but, at this moment, when stuck at this dilemma, her need for him was stronger than her need to hate him.
"How the hell did you do it, Bell? I just…. It's impossible. Raising a kid is impossible under the best circumstances, but now every choice is life and death. And I keep choosing wrong. And people keep dying because of it. You died because of it. Gaia and Indra died because of it. I will leave a trail of bodies behind me if I have to, as long as it keeps Madi alive."
And then it dawned on her. That was what he had done. It was still inexcusable, nearly unforgivable, but that is what he had done when he had given Madi the flame.
"I guess you would get that better than almost anyone. We were always too similar, you and I. And it's still not okay, I don't think it will ever be okay, but I get it. I get it a bit more each day, as my anger dies out, and the regret remains. God, I hope you're not dead. I want to be able to tell you all of this someday. I want to be able to hold your hand as you hear about The Dark Year, because I wish you had been there to hold mine.
"You must be getting whiplash, all of this back and forth. Every time I think I understand where we stand, something happens that just entirely shifts my world. Whether it be cannibalism or the end of the world. God our lives are messed up.
"I want to say that I will be there for you, no matter what. I want to say that I will put you first. But it's not true, not anymore. And it's not that I won't be there, or that you don't matter, it's that she needs me. And as much as I need you, and as much as I want you, Madi is the priority. No matter what she thinks of me, or what the cost, I will pay it. For Madi, I'd burn the world down, and let myself burn with it."