Day 2,113
"You're alive, and I'm alone again. Except this time, it's on my terms. Day 2,113 and its finally my choice."
Clarke was moving through the ship, trying to get to control room, but she couldn't help but take advantage of the solitude. The tempest of emotions inside of her felt so similar, yet so radically different from those first days in Praimfaya. She was alone, but this time by choice.
"Choices are interesting, aren't they? You don't realize that you have them until its too late. I have been making a lot of…. Lets say ill-advised choices of late. And I don't regret them. Everything I did, I did for Madi. But I regret what they led to, and I regret who I became in the face of those choices.
"No matter what choice I make, I'm alone. This is different than after Mt. Weather, this is different than Praimfaya. I'm not punishing myself, and I'm not being left behind, and yet I end up alone.
"It turns out, no matter how much I sacrificed, there is still more left to give. I gave up my future with Madi."
Clarke released a shuddering breath, so, so tired. Unlike the six years alone, Clarke had a mission now. She had a purpose, and it kept her sharp. It kept her worthy of the title Wanheda.
"I hate this. I just wanted to be selfish, for once. To just get through all of this bloodshed, and be with Madi. Have a family.
"When I thought you had died, Bellamy, she really was the only future I had. I could do these awful, horrendous things, because it meant I wouldn't lose her, like I had lost Finn, and Lexa, and you.
"but then Echo told me you were alive, and it's like the world snapped into focus again. And Madi… Madi talked to me, and I just. I could stand again. I could fight again."
Clarke stopped moving, back against a wall for a moment.
"I told Madi we would meet again. I made her believe it. I told her that I am the commander of death, and that I say we will. But I don't know if I can keep that promise, Bellamy. I'm starting to think that my role on the ground is to give my life is for all of yours. That is the purpose I am trusted with. I die so everyone else can live. Madi's role is to command, to be the Heda.
"If I'm gone, who is going to make sure that she doesn't get lost in it? No one will be there to make sure Madi can be more than just a Heda, that she can be a kid. I didn't want this life for her. I wanted her to be able to live and have fun and come to me to braid her hair and talk about her crushes. I didn't want her to be burdened with the responsibility of the rest of the human race.
"But we are who we have to be."
Squeezing her eyes shut for a moment longer, Clarke continued moving forward, albeit tentatively.
"The selfish question, the one that has been rattling around in my brain for six years, is why does it have to be me. Why am I always the one who has to put my life on the line, or the people who I love's life on the line.
"I think Raven hates me. Or something close to it. I held a gun to her head, Bellamy. I didn't see another way to save Madi. Which really brings me back to the crux of it, doesn't it. Choices. Now Madi is gone, and Echo is gone, and your gone, and I'm stuck alone with the choices I made."
Determination settled in her stomach. Steeling her resolve, Clarke began walking with confidence.
"I will stop that transport ship from taking off. I will make sure that Raven and Shaw make it out to you. I am who I have to be. I bear it, so you don't have to. This is what Madi needs to do, so I will do what I need to, to make sure she succeeds."
Clenching her jaw, she only hesitates briefly.
"I love you, Bellamy Blake. And I don't care what we've done, because we have done it to survive. I think I'm all out of chances. And that's okay, because I'm giving my extras to my daughter, who deserves it. I will give everything for her. All of me, for all of you."
Clarke smiled, slightly, and continued to speak.
"Take care of her for me, and, Bellamy? Move fast."