A/N: Damn, this chapter took me too long to write. I deeply apologize for the delay! I was suffering from a writer's block. ಥ_ಥ
Warnings: Nothing serious, Haruka being insufferable again.
Chapter 12: Losing What Matters
(Haruka)
Shocked was an understatement, he was bewildered beyond words.
What had happened? Why had it happened? How could it happen?
The setting was perfect, his feelings were divulged, and the only thing missing was a kiss to make this surreal moment real – something that he was certain that Zero had desired as much as him.
But, by the looks of it, his assumptions were proven to be wrong (yet again) since, on this very humiliating moment, he was ungracefully sprawled on the floor, holding his stinging cheek with one palm; his heart sinking down into the pit of his stomach.
He had been rejected.
Again.
To seek some answers; comfort, his baffled, pained look met the amethyst eyes of the pureblood, but the absolute rage; hate directed towards him in that gaze made his heart twist with unexplainable agony.
Would his feelings never be returned...? Would he never be good enough as his brother...?
"You will never be good as Rido, Haruka. You know that; I know that. Stop trying to fool yourself that I will ever love the likes of you."
Simple words, easy to understand, yet at the same time, ruthless to his mental well-being, watered his eyes, and with a down-earth realization, Haruka realized that he had expressed his insecurities to the world open.
Fuck.
"Zero, I..."
"Stop talking. I don't want to hear another word from you. You betrayed the trust I had in you. Get out of the room this instant, Haruka." The pureblood's face was devoid of expression; eyes flat and cold as they regarded him with insignificance, and Haruka, frozen on the spot, gulped down the uncomfortable lump in his throat, clenching his hands into tight fists.
Absolutely pathetic, wasn't he? What kind of person loved someone who did not give two cents about them?
Ah.
... A person like himself, he presumed.
He narrowed his eyes down at the floor, pursuing his lips into a thin line to prevent himself from choking down on his saliva. It hurt. Extremely so. Did Kaname feel like this every single day because of him?
He could not even begin to fathom the anguish.
Suddenly, the doors of the room were forced open, and to fuel his already small spacks of humiliation into a full-blown fire, the last person he wanted to see strode inside the chamber brazenly, gracing him with a mocking smile that complimented perfectly with the scorn in his eyes.
"Am I interrupting something?"
The words were innocent enough, but the moment he locked his eyes with his brother, memories came rushing back to him, accompanied by the anger that he had mistakenly forgotten against the man.
This person had hurt Zero – badly; for no real reason. Rido had no right to even show his face in front of Zero again. How dare he come here then? He would not allow his brother to come even a single inch close to his beloved.
"Get out–!"
"Of course not, dear husband. Haruka was just leaving."
A cold, heartless, uncaring voice interpreted his warning (and the punch that he was about to throw at his brother) and Haruka, once again, traveled his bewildered gaze over the pureblood's face, landing them on the distant; vacant orbs of the man.
... Zero did not care about him at all, did he? He was disposable to Zero as anyone else, wasn't he?
But then, why did he love the pureblood so damn much?
It made no freaking sense.
Clenching his teeth tightly, Haruka squeezed his eyes shut to halt the tears from escaping, breathing slowly and carefully through his nose to hold onto his leftover dignity.
He would not let his brother see his pathetic, weak state. He would not allow his brother to regard him with pity. He would not give his brother another reason to ridicule him.
That's why... he would not permit himself to cry. He needed to be strong, fierce, and firm with his decision to not weep.
But even then, why did it have to be so fucking hard?
"Want some help, Haruka?" Rido Kuran, the man he detested most in the entire world, offered him a hand, the concerned look on his face so real that it could be nothing more than an act of pretense, and for the barest of a moment, his hatred for his brother faltered.
Was Rido genuinely concerned about him?
But, not even a second later, when his eyes landed on the ring that occupied his brother's finger, his moment of doubt shattered into pieces. Bitterness and resentment rose rapidly in his chest as he continued to stare at the golden band with contempt.
What a fool he was even to assume that his brother would be worried about him. It was near impossible for Rido to feel anything human-like, especially towards him. After all, what kind of person would steal the love of his brother's life away from him?
Not a caring; worried brother, that was for sure.
Antagonized by sight, he slapped the hand away without reverence and rose back up his feet, narrowing his eyes down at the pureblood.
"You have no idea how much I hate you, Rido." He claimed; tone harsh with anger, "I wish you were dead. I wish you were never born. Because then, I would have been living a life that you unrighteously stole from me."
His words were ruthless, he knew, but the profound anguish in those mismatched orbs made it all worth it.
It was time for the great Rido Kuran to get off from his high horse. He was confident that being hated by your kin would be nothing more than pure torture, but did he care? Of course... not.
His brother deserved all the torment; the anguish this world had to offer to him. He had it coming for his sins.
However, the one thing he did not expect was the painful punch coming right his way.
Startled by the sudden shoot of pain, Haruka took a couple of steps back, holding his bleeding nose and mouth with one hand, while his bewildered gaze traveled to his tormentor.
He had anticipated it to be his brother (his words were not the kindest, after all), but to his greatest dismay, the reality that he was faced with was much harsher than his assumptions.
It was not his brother, but it was ... Zero?
But... "Why?"
His thoughtless inquiry seemed to have infuriated the pureblood further, and with enraged eyes and gritted teeth, Zero pointed towards the door, his nostrils flaring, "GET. OUT. NOW."
Huh?
He stood frozen on the spot, stunned and speechless. Shame flushed his face and neck, and he unconsciously held his nose tighter, his stomach curling into knots.
Zero had hit him...again? How could the pureblood humiliate him like this in front of his brother? How could Zero treat him with disrespect when he did nothing wrong? What the actual fuck?
His inner conflict was fierce and threatened his very existence, but his unwillingness to move made the pureblood speak again, his tone dripping with menace, "If you don't leave in the next three seconds, you will be dead to me for eternity, Haruka Kuran."
Grief came to his heart and moisture came to his eyes, but he willed them away, forcing himself to nod, "I ... okay... I will go." His voice sounded as shattered as his heart, and with that said, he disappeared out of the room, running out of the mansion; running out of this situation at hand.
Why would he stay any longer when his presence was not welcomed anymore? He was not a fool. He had messed up – badly, he knew. His relationship with his brother was already ruined, but the thought of losing Zero over something this idiotic was not something he could handle.
He would die without Zero. He could not live without him. He could not deal with this...! His heart ached; his body thrummed with excruciating pain.
But, even if he was experiencing absolute distress over possibly losing Zero, the feelings of indignation were also present within him. His pride had taken a huge blow. Zero had no right to treat him in this impudent manner. He had no right to cast him aside like a piece of trash because of his words against his brother. He had no right to throw his feelings back to his face.
A Hio should know his god-damn place, the pureblood should have been delighted to be wanted by him, but by the looks of it, Zero had forgotten his status in the vampire hierarchy.
Fuck it. Hell to everything.
He needed a release. He wanted to forget. He did not want to live with these memories – these feelings.
Where was Kaname...?
Sliding down against the bark of a tree, Haruka thrust his hand into his pocket and grabbed his phone, dialing a number he had come to know by heart with his trembling fingers.
He placed the device against his ear, closing his eyes; praying to hear that soothing, gentle voice as soon as possible.
Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Leave a message.
No response, huh?
Haruka pursed his lips into a thin line and redialed the number, his hold on the object rightening. He would not give up. He refused to forfeit without trying his best.
He needed to hear Kaname. Now. This very instant.
Pick up, Kaname, pick up. Don't do this to me. I need you. Pick up. Please.
And after a whole moment, his wish was finally granted when the call was answered... but not by the person he wanted.
"Hello, Haruka-sama. Kaname is sleeping now. I would wake him up, but he looks rather adorable sleeping on my bed. May I take a message?"
The phone slipped through his fingers, and he stared ahead, shocked; his heart suddenly going very still.
What...?
(Kaname)
The balmy, soft morning breeze drifted across his chocolate locks and brought the sweet fragrant of flowers and something delicious, a scent he could not place his finger upon, into his nose, and his eyes wandered around, taking in the surroundings before they settled on an object that piqued his interest (as well as his confusion).
A wooden basket, laid on top of a red and white patterned clothing, was there before his eyes, accompanied by two glasses of orange juice and a freshly-baked apple pie, which was nearly wiped out from the plate by the looks of it. His puzzlement managed to double with vigor, but at least now, Kaname knew where the mouth-watering scent was coming from...
Was he having a picnic? But with whom?... He could not have eaten the apple by himself. It was too much, even for him.
His perplexed gaze strayed down to his lap, and without knowing himself, a bright smile bloomed on his face, bringing his heart into peace when his eyes rested upon the object of his unyielding love.
"You will catch a cold, ...-sama."
With gentleness, his fingers stroked the soft, silver strands of the person laying on his lap, and with a full grin, he pinched the pureblood's delicate nose, startling him awake with amusement.
Eyelids snapped open to reveal a pair of amethyst orbs, shooting him an annoyed glance, but in less than a moment, the vexed look was replaced by a gorgeous smile as the owner of those enchanting eyes gazed him with such fondness that would make any girl woo with appreciation (and mind you, he was not a girl).
"What were you thinking about, Kaname?" The voice, smooth as silk, graced him with attention, and he, Kaname Kuran, gave a smile of his own, his eyebrows furrowed together slightly.
"...You will never abandon me, right? ...Not like my father did?" He heard himself say, but the words did not register to his brain because he did not understand them in the least. Why would he say that? Who was his father? And why did his heart ache so badly at the thought of his parent?
Indescribable emotions flashed across the flawless features of the pureblood, whose name he did not know (or did not remember at this moment), but it was gone as fast as it has appeared as the man shot him a charming smile, melting his heart into a pit of pure solace.
"Of course not, Kaname. I promised I will always be there for you, remember?"
He felt his own eyes glistening with moisture, and without helping himself, Kaname embraced the pureblood's head tightly, squeezing his eyes shut to prevent humiliating tears from appearing. "I love you, ...-sama."
"I do too, Kaname, I do too...You have no idea the extent of my love for you..." The pureblood trailed off and sighed heavily under his breath, sliding his fingers into his wavy, brown hair, causing his eyes to open and to regard the man with a silent inquiry.
The pureblood's intent gaze wandered over his face, before settling on his lips, and with delicateness, the pureblood cupped his cheeks in his hands, placing a gentle kiss on the bridge of his nose, "But I have a feeling that your love for me will not last for too long, Kaname..."
His chest ached with unceasing pain, and Kaname stared down at the man, horrified. The words were unimaginable to him – merely outrageous to his brain and heart. He did not know why, but for this man, if he truly loved him, his love for him would last for eternity.
Kaname was positively sure of it. He was a child, he knew, but the feelings he held for the pureblood before him were unquestionably real as the existence of the endless sky.
The painful twisting of his heart was enough of a proof to him. So, how could the man dare tell him otherwise?
"How could you say that?..."
The pureblood raised an eyebrow at him and chuckled, but there was no mirth in the melodious sound, "How, you ask?" His eyes resembled a porcelain doll: lifeless, vacant, as the man regarded him with a heartwrenching smile, pulling his head down for a bittersweet kiss on his lips.
"Because you are the one who is going to abandon me first, Kaname."
A warm touch, the exact opposite of the coldness he was experiencing, startled him awake, and with too much effort, Kaname opened his eyes to meet with a pair of widened, concerned turquoise orbs, increasing his confusion tenfold.
Where was he again...? Why did he feel so tired...? Who was that man...?
"I presume you had a bad dream." A vaguely familiar voice whispered in his ear, and Kaname, alarmed by the proximity, harshly slapped the hand away from him, leveling a heated glare on the grinning pureblood.
Yeah, staring right into eyes of the source of his troubles, he realized where he was and with whom he was. The irritation was real, no doubt.
But, to confirm his surroundings one more time, his gaze wandered around the room aimlessly, a frown gracing his lips. This place brought back memories, ones that included him and Isaya; ones that he would not have liked to remember in his current state of mind. They were in the summer villa of the Shoto family because, according to Isaya's words, the main mansion of the Shoto household had to go under urgent repairments. To him, the mansion looked perfectly fine, but suspiciously enough, that was not the case with Isaya. The pureblood had seemed rather agitated to leave, insisting that his residence needed immediate renovations, and he, too mentally exhausted, just went along with the obvious lie without questioning the pureblood any further.
Exhaustion, both mental and physical, made him compliant, and to his misfortune, Isaya Shoto knew that fact very well.
"Keep your presumptions to yourself, Isaya." His answer lacked the required courtesy that should be given to his host, but he did give a cent? Of course not.
And by the looks of it, his host did not seem to care a single bit – if the broadening of his grin was anything to go by.
"Oh? Then, why were you crying, Kaname?" The sarcasm was sharp in the pureblood's words, but even then, a hint of concern still managed to make its way into the man's cobalt blue eyes, toning down the taunt to a certain degree.
Although, Kaname seemed to care less about the tone spoken against him but more about the meaning behind the statement. Excuse me? He was not crying by any means.
But fate, once again attempting to ridicule him, proved his feelings wrong when he touched his cheek and felt the remnants of his humiliating tears.
Great. Having a mental breakdown in his sleep, while his ex-lover watched, was what he needed in his life right now, didn't he?
Pitiful. He didn't even have the energy to laugh at his pathetic-excuse-of-a-sardonic joke. After all, he used all of his strength to prevent himself from killing a certain person.
The specific individual being non-other than his husband.
A heavy sigh of despondency escaped his lips.
He refused to cry over someone who did not give a shit about him or his feelings. Why should he? He was not pathetic – or not anymore, at least.
He was hurt, yes. He felt betrayed, yes. He was angry; yes. He still loved Haruka; oh yes. But would he forgive him? Would he give Haruka another chance? Would he let this slide without no consequences?
A huge, definite no.
Kaname gritted his teeth in silent fury, clenching and unclenching his fists repeatedly.
Haruka did not deserve his tears, nor his thoughts, and definitely not his love.
Torment, grief, affliction, and everything he was feeling at this moment, he wanted his husband to experience – but only if he was the reason. But what would make the pureblood descend to his level of despair?
What thing would cause Haruka the most considerable amount of despair?
Or in this case, what person would be the reason for his husband's demise?
Amethyst orbs flashed across his mind, and with a despaired sigh, he closed his eyes, shaking his head in denial. Every word Isaya had suggested on that night, he had pondered them over and over again. It was very tempting, he had to admit, and a good strategy to hurt both people with a single stone in the most horrible way; but even then, he was not going to go with the plan. Why? Because even if he managed to succeed with the plan, his cousin; the only family he had left on his earth would experience the same betrayal he was experiencing at this moment.
Rido-san was nothing but kind to him ever since he met him. He was there for him when no one was. He had called him his family, something that even his Uncle Seishiro had a trouble calling him that. Therefore, how could he even think of repaying the man's kindness with sleeping with Zero-san? It was simply not him. Perhaps, it was easy for the Hio pureblood to sleep with other people's husbands, but he would never be able to do it under any conditions.
He was not a whore, unlike someone he knew. He had morals, honor, and self-appreciation of his body – the aspects that a certain pureblood was lacking.
... Just thinking about that man left a bitter taste in his mouth. He breathed another withdrawn sigh.
However, his hesitancy to follow up with the pureblood's plan did not mean that he would not make Haruka pay for his deeds. He would definitely do it, but just not in this manner. There had to be some other way to get under his husband's skin. He had to just think hard and long enough. If he failed to make Haruka guilty of his mistakes and what he had lost as a consequence of his actions, he would not be able to move on forward with his life.
He would simply lose himself.
Think, Kaname, think!
A flash of silver caught his eyes, and Kaname looked down at his chest, momentarily forgetting the concept of breathing. His eyes glazed with anguish and despair and he grasped the object tightly in his hand, the realization of what it was registering to his barely functioning brain.
It was a necklace, composed of a light silver chain which held a pendant of a white-colored half-moon. It was his gift, by Haruka, in their first year of anniversary.
"It's gorgeous, Haruka-san!" He exclaimed softly, eyeing the necklace with pure joy. He was not expecting anything on this day, to be honest. Haruka had made his feelings towards him very clear. He did not want to get his hopes high by anticipating too much from his husband. So, to receive this unexpected gift from Haruka, he was on cloud nine, still not believing his eyes.
"Thank you. I will cherish it forever." He shot his husband a bright smile, his eyes softening into a pool of chocolate under the moonlight, and he held the necklace closer to his chest, a dimple gracing his right cheek.
With wide eyes, Haruka held his gaze for a precious moment, flushing slightly; his full lips twisting into a small smile as well, "Forever is a long time, Kaname. But, I am delighted to see that my gift was to your liking."
"Won't we stay together for eternity, Haruka-san?"
The smile slowly faded from the pureblood's lips and Haruka averted his face away from him, his face hardening almost instantly, "...Perhaps, Kaname, perhaps. Don't have too much hope in me. "
The reluctance in those words had hurt him deeply for months, but since he was an expert at burying things in the back of his mind, he had forgotten about them until now.
Who knew that their marriage wouldn't have lasted for a decade, let alone an eternity? Who knew that he would be betrayed by his husband in the cruelest way possible? Who knew that he would be sitting down here and demising his husband's downfall?
He was a failure of a spouse, he realized that, but he was pushed too far. If Haruka had stayed faithful to him...If Haruka had given himself the chance to fall in love with him...this would have never happened. He would not have been so far gone.
But maybe, if he had not married Haruka, to begin with, this pain would have never existed, right? Perhaps, it was him who had pushed Haruka to the far end by agreeing him to marry him; by pushing an obligation to him that his husband was not ready for.
In the end, he had unknowingly brought everything to himself, didn't he?
He had to suppress a wry smile.
It was his fault from the beginning; he realized now, but even then, the reality of his thoughtless actions was harsher than he had imagined.
Why was he always such a damn fool?
"Here." A white cloth was presented in front of his eyes, and Kaname, abruptly brought out of his thoughts, blinked at it quizzically before bringing his questioning gaze to the pureblood, who in response just flushed and averted his eyes to the wall. "You are tearing up again. Take it."
He brought his gaze towards the handkerchief and stared it as if it was something extraterrestrial, his lips curling into a frown; his cheeks burning up with shame.
This could not get any more humiliating.
When his offer was left unanswered, Isaya sighed under his breath, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. "I know you hate me, but please take it. I really don't like the sight of your tears. It pains me, especially if I am not the reason behind them."
Well, this was something new.
Wordlessly and reluctantly, Kaname took the handkerchief given to him, and with a narrowed look, he rubbed it against his eyes, cleaning the new stains of moisture painted on his cheeks.
Isaya was full of surprises, indeed. The gesture was small and unimportant, but he found himself appreciating it greatly. However, there was no need for the pureblood to know that. Isaya would never let it down if he were aware – a quality that made the man insufferable to deal with.
"... You really suck at comforting people." He blew his nose into the handkerchief instead for a good minute, and then, with a shake of his head, handed the soiled cloth to the man with a non-too-innocent smile on his face. "Here you go."
This is the only gratitude you will receive from me, Isaya.
Isaya made a face and crossed his arms, his eyebrow twitching slightly. "...You can keep it."
"I thought this was your favorite handkerchief...?" He inquired, arching an eyebrow against the generous demand.
Isaya was known to be extremely possessive of his material things, especially if he was fond of them, so for him to just hand over his priceless possession to him (even if it was dirtied) would raise anyone's eyebrows. Perhaps, the pureblood had changed for the better in these last few years.
About time, he nodded to himself.
Isaya turned towards him and eyed him intently, surprise written all over his face, and Kaname raised his eyebrow again, apparently not understanding the situation at hand. However, this bizarre feeling in his gut told him that he had said something that he should not have... Shit.
And his gut was proven to be right when the pureblood opened his mouth, his tone clarifying the expression on his face, "You remembered...?" It was more of a statement than a question, and both of them realized it.
It took Kaname a moment to digest the words, and when he did, his eyes widened in surprise. Out of all things he could have said, it had to be that, didn't it?
He had to prevent himself from bashing his head into a wall.
"Of course I did. It's near impossible forgetting a pink flower-patterned doll handkerchief, Isaya. Not everyone has the same taste as you." He kept his voice calm; collected (trying to clear any misconceptions understood by the man) and turned his face away from the pureblood, embarrassed, narrowing his eyes down on the innocent pillow laying before him. He needed to stop saying unnecessary things. The last thing he desired was to give Isaya the wrong idea.
Besides, it was not like he wanted to remember what the piece of cloth looked like, but it was more like he could not seem to forget about the outrageous pattern. The doll, with black hollow eyes and a pointy toothy smile, would give the bravest men nightmares. And the fact that Isaya had a specific room filled with real custom-made dolls, one of them suspiciously looking like him, added to his traumatic experience of ever entering that dreaded room.
Shudder. It was best (for his mental and physical health) to not remember the horrendous scene.
"Sure, Kaname. Whatever you say." Isaya answered, an amused chuckle accompanying his response, and to his greatest dismay, at that very moment, his stomach decided to protest against him rather loudly for the absence of edible nutrition – a reaction that managed to flourish the pureblood's mirth further.
Great. Humiliation seemed to be following him like a plague.
"Hungry, aren't we?"
"What do you think?" His tone was curt and unfriendly, and if the pureblood seemed to not understand his irritation, a heated glare sent at his direction would even clear a fool's doubts – and Isaya Shoto was not a fool by any means, unfortunately.
"I do think that you are extremely hungry, Kaname." The pureblood drawled, a smirk adorning his lips, "But not to worry, your humble servant will bring you a plate of delicious breakfast, Your Highness." Isaya gave him an ironic bow, the gleam in his eyes showing just how much he was loving this act, but before he was able to give the man a well-deserving punch on the face, the pureblood was already on the other side of the room – safe; unhurt ... but not for too long, Kaname silently promised himself.
Although, not even a moment later, the irksome smirk on the pureblood's face dissolved into a scowl. Isaya stood there, staring into his eyes with undecipherable emotions, and Kaname, clearly annoyed (and a bit curious) about the sudden change of the mood, cocked his head to the side, inquiring the pureblood silently with his eyes.
Did all the purebloods (the ones he knew, at least) suffer from the infamous bipolar disorder? No wonder he was gradually starting to lose his shit for good.
"Kaname, I have been meaning to ask this since you woke up." Isaya eyed him contemptuously, his frown deepening, "What happened to you?"
What?
"Your eyes..."
He raised an eyebrow, shooting the pureblood an annoyed look with an equally irked answer, "What? Are they too tempting for you now?" There was something he was obviously not getting here, and Isaya was not making things easier by providing him with vague terms.
Why was it so hard for people to be upfront with him? He was blatantly straightforward with his words, and the fact people found it difficult to be frank with him was extremely perplexing.
Honesty was not that complicated, right?
However, instead of receiving a sardonic answer that he had expected from the pureblood, Isaya just turned his face away from him, his entire body taking a rigid stance.
"Your eyes ... they are beginning to look like Zero-sama."
A/N: Writing Haruka's POV was a seriously a challenge! I hope he was not too annoying. ( /)w(\✿) However, what he said to Rido was seriously not nice. ●︿● Zero may have been harsh to Haruka, but Haruka deserved it? First, he made Zero break his promise with Kaname, and then he said such awful things to Rido in front of Zero. Anyone will lose their shit. ┐('～`；)┌ Woohoo! Kaname did not take Isaya's suggestion to heart, but do you think his resolve to not go along with the plan will satisfy Isaya? The pureblood is more cunning than you think he is. (∩︵∩)
Anyways, what do you think about Kaname's eyes? Why are they beginning to look like "Zero-sama"? Your theories are always fun to read. ⊙﹏⊙ (Thank you perce-neige for the wonderful idea!)
For those who reviewed, (ben4kevin, LuanRina, WeirdBlackCat, Zerovk, MonkeyGrapes, alisjacksonn59, horrorstar100, werewolf-yasya, Kay Queen, and perce-neige), favorited/alerted, and read the story, you have my deepest gratitude! ヽ(^◇^*)/ *bows* Thank you for the support!
Reviews/Feedback are always deeply appreciated! !⑈ˆ~ˆ!⑈
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