AN: Here you go. Next chapter. I'm really excited about the response from the first chapter. So keep responding and I will keep writing. I hope you enjoy this chapter as well. And please remember if you have any suggestions I am open to them. I do have a plan but it's not concrete. Or even, I guess a better question is are there things you don't want to see?
Thanks for your future feedback!
K
At 5:00am Brittany has never been more angry to be right. Because Rachel is up and going through her morning routine, whether or not the sun is even up is a little bit hazy. Which Brittany thinks there's a problem right there… you should never be awake so early that you can't tell if the sun is out. It should just be out, you should be sure. But since she's up she might as well be up for real. She decides she'll shower after dance class and that she should probably do the last bit of homework she didn't get to yesterday.
It's a struggle. It is always struggle, it has always been a struggle, and it will always be a struggle. It's a terrible combination of having a hard time understanding the way they phrase things, and not being able to stay focused long enough to make any real progress. She reads a sentence and a half, and suddenly remembers she needs to put her water in the fridge or it won't be cold for when she gets back from dance. Two more sentences and suddenly it's really important that she know whether or not her favorite jeans are clean so she can wear them. Another sentence and she is trying to remember if she's talked to anyone in her family since she's moved into school. It's not that she doesn't want to focus, she desperately does to a point of near tears. She remembers when she was little, her teachers told her parents that she thought Brittany might have learning disabilities, and her parents said that was impossible. She just needed to try harder. After twelve years of trying as hard as she can, she thinks her teacher was probably right.
Dance isn't a struggle, and that's one of the things she loves about it. But her parents caught on pretty quick to that and would use it as leverage. If she didn't try hard enough and do well, she wouldn't get to go to dance class. And she'd lie in bed at night and cry because her favorite thing had been taken away from her, and not because she didn't try, it was because she just wasn't good enough. That had to be the answer because she was trying as hard as she could. This form of punishment had gone on till the day she graduated high school. She began to think it was because she was stupid. That was the only option.
Her parents took other things away too. Not cheerleading, because they loved the very public nature of that hobby. She thinks her parents were playing that popularity game with their friends too, and some how her uniform got them points. Which was frustrating, because she didn't want it in the first place. They took away her ability to go out on weekends. She didn't mind that. She pretended to because then they'd take that away and let her go to dance sometimes. The first time Tommy called and she wasn't allowed out because of grades, she was glad to have a good excuse to stay in, but he was terrible about it. "God Brit why are you so fucking retarded?" He said angrily. She didn't have an answer, she didn't know why.
But now she was in school, and the consequences felt bigger but oddly similar. The only reason she was allowed to go to school for dance (her parents deemed it impractical) was because she paid for it almost completely by herself with scholarships. Her parents paid for housing, which she appreciated. But in order to keep dancing, she needed to keep her scholarship, which meant she had to do well enough in school. If she lost the scholarship, she had to switch to get a degree in business in order for her parents to continue paying for school. She thinks she'd rather drop out and just move to New York City and try to be a dancer professionally instead of getting a business degree. So grades are important.
She finishes what she's going to be able to of her homework and gets dressed for class. Jeans and a t-shirt for now, dance clothes in her bag. She leaves her dorm and gets to the classroom a few minutes early. She looks over the first few pages of the chapter hoping that knowing what's coming might make it easier for her to follow along in class.
Unfortunately she's wrong. It didn't help. And as soon as she leaves the classroom she calls the office for tutoring and schedules a tutoring session for that afternoon a little bit after dance class. So much for going to the gym today. Dance class goes really well. Still nothing very difficult, but not having to push herself feels good right now because her brain feels full. She looks for her phone after dance class to check the time, not expecting to see anything else. She doesn't really have friendships that followed her here, she was pretty eager to leave all of that behind her. But she does have a text. It's from Santana! She beams as she clicks the open message button.
From Santana: Hey Brit, how are classes so far today?
She frowns a bit. That's a loaded question and she's not sure she wants Santana to know how hard she's struggling already.
To Santana: Just got out of dance class which was great. Going to shower and then a meeting and then to the Library. How's your day going?
Tutoring is technically a meeting, so she's not lying. She makes her way back to the dorm.
From Santana: Boring as shit. History classes are so easy, and I'm taking Spanish classes which are a joke because I've been speaking Spanish my whole life. It's all a breeze. What are you up to now?
Brittany wishes classes were a breeze for her. She wishes that her homework didn't make her feel like her head was exploding, and she wishes the fear of not doing well enough didn't make her stomach sick.
To Santana: Showering then meeting then Library for tons of homework.
That's not lying. Tutoring is technically a meeting. A meeting for stupid people.
From Santana: That's a terrible Friday night. I'm sorry.
To Santana: It's ok, it's not like I had any other plans. Well, getting in shower and stuff. I'll text you after my meeting, it's ok if you're too busy to talk.
She hopes Santana won't be. She likes talking to her, even if it is just texting. And she reckons that she'll probably need a little bit of cheering up after tutoring.
From Santana: I won't be. Talk to you soon. Good luck with showering. And your meeting. : )
Brittany smiles. She wishes she could spend her Friday night with Santana but thinks it might be to early in their friendship to ask. But just being around Santana makes her feel warmer in a good way. And it certainly would be better than doing homework. But she has to do homework, so it might be better that she isn't brave enough to ask Santana to hang out. As friends, like a friend date. Where they flirt. Whatever.
After her shower she puts on a summer dress and sandals. Soon it won't be warm enough to wear it so she should make sure she does now. She walks to the Library where her tutoring appointment will take place. When she gets to their designated room she's greeted by a very stern looking boy who looks a few years older than her. They talk about the class he's tutoring her in, and asks what she needs help with. She tells him everything and he sighs frustrated with her. This isn't a great start.
By the end of the meeting, she thinks there are a few things she might understand better but mostly she's really frustrated with herself, and kind of frustrated with the tutor. She doesn't think tutors are supposed to treat you like you're stupid. They're supposed to help you, and she was trying really hard, but he sighed a lot, and left the second their time was up. She finds herself a table to set up at and lays all her stuff out. But first she needs a few minutes of distraction so she texts Santana.
To Santana: How's it going? Any fun plans yet?
She waits a few minutes but receives no reply. She frowns but decides that's a good a sign as any that she needs to start working. So she does. She gets so frustrated several times that she goes to the bathroom even though she doesn't need to. Just for an excuse to walk away. An hour and a half in she feels her phone vibrate.
From Santana: I'm so sorry! I went to get dinner with 'Cedes and forgot my phone. Done with homework?
To Santana: It's ok. If you're busy I can talk to you later. And no, I think I might be here forever.
She frowns back down at her paper and pushes herself to read a few more sentences. Even after her phone goes off she wills herself to read three more before she can answer.
From Santana: I'm not busy at all! And I'm sorry. At least the Library isn't the worst place ever to be.
Brittany guesses she's right. She could be home. She could be being forced to hang out with Tommy, or spend alone time with Tommy, and that would definitely be worse.
To Santana: You're right. I just wish the water fountain worked, I'm super thirsty but I've got at least a few more hours here.
To Brittany: That sucks. I'm sorry Brit.
Brittany likes that Santana calls her Britt. She smiles and sets her phone down, determined to finish this chapter and the questions before she leaves. She's the only person left in the area in the Library. It is Friday after all, most people have better places to be.
About half an hour later she's so frustrated with herself that she puts her forehead to the desk and is trying to count to ten to refocus herself or something when she hears someone clear their throat. She looks up and to her surprise and excitement she sees a bashful looking Santana standing there. Brittany isn't sure she's ever smiled this big before. But she's happy to see Santana, and the small bashful smile that evolves into a beaming smile makes her look so beautiful. And she doesn't even care that she thinks it.
"San! What are you doing here?"
"You saiddd that you were thirsty. So I brought you some water. And then I thought that I can't just bring you water because that's not a very exciting gift so I also brought you a cupcake." Santana smiles widely for a moment, and then her face shifts. "This was lame"
"I love it!" Brittany says before Santana can negate her actions any more. Brittany is positive nobody has ever done something this nice for her before. All she said was that she was thirsty. She could have bought her own water, or ran back to her dorm room and go a bottle, or not been stupid in the first place and brought one. But Santana brought her one. "This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me." Brittany says seriously before she can stop herself. Santana scoffs.
"Yeah right." She laughs again. "But here you go. What are you working on?" She sits down next to Brittany. The blonde takes a few drinks of the water before she answers.
"American National Government."
"Oh I took that! It's super easy." Brittany hangs her head a bit and lets her hair cover her face. She was just about to make a remark about how hard it was. She's glad she didn't. She didn't want Santana to know how stupid she was. She was sure she wouldn't want to be her friend or anything else for that matter if she knew. "What's wrong Brit?" Santana nudged her with her shoulder. "Seriously Brittany what's wrong?" Brittany looks up to see honest confusion on Santana's face and decides she'd rather be honest now then get to attached to this lovely girl and then lose her. In whatever capacity.
"It's really hard for me. Everything is. I even had a tutoring session on this today and I'm still confused." She's not sure what she expects Santana's reaction to be. She doesn't think she'd call her stupid or make fun of her, she doesn't seem like that kind of person. Maybe she kind of expects her to play it off and leave and maybe not talk to Brittany anymore. What she doesn't expect, is to suddenly hear Santana's chair being pulled right next to her, or the way that having Santana so close makes her feel.
"Ok then. Let me see if I can help. Where are you stuck."? Brittany looks at her for a moment in disbelief. And thinks that maybe Santana is to good to be true. But she's looking at her expectantly and smiling like she knows she can help. So Brittany lets her try. She explains where she got lost, and what she thinks she knows but isn't entirely sure that it's correct. And settles in to let Santana try what so many other people have failed.
In less than an hour Santana manages to get Brittany caught up on her chapter, and to clear up any confusion caused by her tutor and her professor. She's got three diagrams drawn in various color highlighters, along with a silly cartoon that Santana drew to make her laugh. She thinks maybe Santana is magic.
"Nope. They were just teaching you wrong Britt Britt. No big deal. Can I walk you back to your dorm? It's on the way." So Brittany lets her. And not for the first time she needs to remind herself that she can't let herself get into a relationship again, she shouldn't even want to. That she still has so many bad feelings about the last one she was in that she doesn't think it'd be possible to start a new one without letting all those bad feelings in. "So do you have any plans for tomorrow?" The Latina asks her. Brittany nods her head to the negative.
"Nope" she says, popping the p. "You?"
"Not a one. I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go see the new scary movie that's out in theaters?" Brittany smiles and looks at her shoes. Yes she wants to go. Should she? Friends see movies. And even though she knows she shouldn't want Santana to ask her on a date, she kind of wished she had anyway.
"Definitely. As long as you don't mind me burying my head in your shoulder." Brittany laughs.
"I look forward to it." Santana responds smiling sweetly. They are standing in front of Brittany's dorm. "Well, I'll let you get inside. I will text you tomorrow about times and stuff?"
"Ok. Thank you again San, I don't know how I would have gotten my homework done without you."
"No problem Brittany. Any time. Seriously. Have a good night." She smiles and waves and Brittany watches her walk away wishing that she'd stay but knowing that she shouldn't wish that. So she lets Santana walk away, and she goes inside and notices that Rachel isn't there. She wonders if she's out with friends. She then wonders how Rachel managed to make friends. And then she feels bad for thinking that because honestly, Rachel isn't that bad. She's just a lot sometimes. She puts on shorts and a tank top in preparation for bed. She sets her alarm so she will get up and go to the gym and lays down in bed knowing that she's not particularly tired.
Her thoughts go almost immediately to Santana. She wonders, if she'd never dated Tommy, if she'd never lost faith in relationships, if she'd be just excited about her undeniable attraction to the woman. Partially it's fear because she knows that deep down, their relationship was never ok or normal or anything. And part of it is this heavy apathy that settled inside her many years ago that she doesn't know that one beautiful girl with a beautiful smile can make go away. She doesn't know exactly when things started to feel this way.
She suspects that it may have been the conversation she had with her mother about how she was truly unhappy with Tommy. He didn't treat her well, and he was pressuring her to sleep with him. She wanted to break up with him again. Her mother told her that sometimes woman did things they didn't want to to keep their men happy. And that a woman is only as good as the husband she manages to catch, and Tommy would make a good husband. And then told her she would make an appointment to get her on birth control as soon as possible.
Brittany walked away from that conversation filled with a lot of negative emotions. She was confused and angry because what? None of that made sense to her. Why would anyone do something they didn't want to? And why do people stay with someone that doesn't make them happy? Surely there was a better answer. She was also sad because clearly her mother had experience in this and even though Brittany didn't particularly like her mother, she loved her. But unfortunately, after so many years of being told she was stupid Brittany didn't exactly trust her own intelligence and common sense. She thought maybe she was wrong, maybe this was how things were. She also knew that her mother would be deeply disappointed with her if she broke up with Tommy. Maybe her mom would soon see how unhappy he made her and she'd agree that they should break up.
That obviously didn't happen since they didn't break up till much to late. Because now she's lying in bed with tears in her eyes wishing that she'd just broke up with him. Or never dated him. And that maybe she'd be a little more carefree, and maybe she would be brave enough to ask Santana on a date. And she wouldn't have to keep trying so hard to not want this.
She woke up the next morning with a slight headache. Nothing some water and time at the gym couldn't fix. She noted that Rachel was now asleep in her bed. She briefly wondered what time she got in. She dressed for the gym and brought her water, keys, and plugged her headphones into her iphone. She gets to the gym and heads straight to the elliptical, putting on her workout play list.
After forty-five minutes on the elliptical she decided she was bored with that and went over to the weight machines. She glanced around to figure out what she might do first, and saw Sam form the LGBTA meeting. He spotted her and waved her over.
"Hey Brittany. Nice to see someone I know here." He smiled at her. She could understand Mercedes attraction. He was attractive and so sweet.
"Hey Sam. Mind a workout buddy?" He laughs and shakes his head no. They take turns on machines, helping each other out by changing the weight or whatever necessary. Sam obviously lifting much more than Brittany, but it was still nice to not work out alone. "So can I ask you a personal question?" Sam nods, drinking some of his water. "Why are you in the LGBTA? Is it cause Mercedes is there supporting Santana or…?"
"Nope. I actually met Mercedes there. Which is kind of funny if you think about it. But no, I had a friend in high school. He was on the football team, and kind of a jerk but like a good guy deep down. And I kind of suspected he might be gay because he checked out way to many guys' butts, claiming he just wanted to know what brand of jeans they wore. But I never said anything cause I figured he'd come to me if he needed to talk, which would have been fine. I don't care who you like, you know? " Brittany nodded. "Well, one day during our senior year, a picture of him and some guy holding hands got out. Nobody knows who took it or who released it, but he definitely wasn't ready to come out. A bunch of guys made fun of him pretty hardcore, and I should have stepped in but I was scared. I didn't want to get picked on too. So one day, he tried to hang himself. His dad found him before he died, but it was really close. And all I could think about was that if I had just opened my big mouth, maybe he'd be ok. I never let anyone pick on him again if I could help it. And he got better, and now he's at school and dating a really great guy and I'm really happy for him. But I figured if I joined LGBTA I could sort of…maybe be like the muscle? Like if I knew someone was picking on a guy like Kurt, or someone like Santana, I could help stop it. Because I don't ever want anyone to feel that alone ever again." Brittany just nodded. She didn't really have words. She was glad she'd met Sam. She hoped they could become really good friends. Because he seemed like an amazing person and just…she wished she had met someone like him in high school too. Maybe he'd have stuck up for her against Tommy.
"You are a bit wonderful Sam. I really hope we can become good friends." Brittany voiced.
"Oh I have a feeling that will definitely be the case. From what I hear you're kind of wonderful yourself." He smiles at her.
"Huh?"
"Just what I hear from Santana, that's all. She seems to really think you're pretty awesome. She's usually really stand offish. Or… I guess she's really guarded. But not with you." Brittany thinks she may have been able to guess that Santana wasn't as nice to everyone as she was to her. She doesn't know exactly why that is, but she's glad. Maybe Santana feels bad for her, no friends and confused by base level classes. Or, who knows.
"I think she's amazing. We're seeing a movie tonight."
"I heard. Well Brittany, it was great working out with you. Maybe we could make this a regular thing? But I've got to go I promised Kurt I'd help him put together some new Ikea thingy he bought." Sam shrugs and they both laugh. Brittany walks out with him and they go their separate ways. She looks at her phone and notices a text from Santana.
From Santana: Still on for tonight?
Please say yes.
Also if you were an animal what animal would you be?
Brittany laughs. She's not sure if it was hanging out with Sam, or the endorphins from working out, but she's in such a good mood and it's so much harder to not let herself develop hopes about this turning into something more than friendship.
To Santana: Yes we're still on I wouldn't miss it for anything. Annnd….Probably a unicorn? Or I guess I've been told I look kind of like a cat. So either one of those. You?
From Santana: Probably a dinosaur.
Brittany starts laughing really hard.
From Santana: Just kidding. Um… I think a wolf. Probably.
To Santana: I think both options would be amazing. What time do you wan to meet? We are meeting right? I don't even know where we're going. I don't have a car. : (
From Santana: No problem B. I was planning on driving anyway. Pick you up at 6?
To Santana: Sounds good S. ; )
Brittany gets back to her dorm, Rachel is on her computer. She sits down on her bed with her homework and tries to work on some of it. She wonders if Santana would mind helping her with this too. She'd feel terrible asking. Santana probably has plenty of things to do herself. At about 3:00 Rachel asks Brittany if she wants to go to the dining hall with her for an early dinner. Brittany agrees and they talk about various things, including classes and interesting things they'd seen on campus that week. Brittany decides she really doesn't mind Rachel that much.
When she gets back to her dorm room she showers and gets ready to go to the movies with Santana. Without meaning to, Brittany realizes that she's definitely made herself look a little nicer than she would if this was just any friend. But she decides that's ok. And that maybe Santana isn't just any other friend. Maybe she's a good friend, or you know, whatever. She gets a call from Santana telling her that she's outside so Brittany heads down. When she gets to the car she notices Santana's tight jeans and off the shoulders top. Her hair is down straight with light makeup on. She looks so beautiful.
They get to the movie and Santana insists on paying, so Brittany insists on buying popcorn and drinks and candy (because you can't eat popcorn without candy, everyone knows that). They pick seats in the theater and the movie starts. Within less than fifteen minutes the popcorn and drinks lay abandoned on the ground while Brittany is clinging to Santana with her face buried mostly in her shoulder with just one eye peaking barely out. And that's how she spends the entire movie. She misses the way that Santana almost puts her arm around her, or the pleased smile that Santana has on her face every time Brittany cowers into her for protection from the zombies.
"That was so scary!" Brittany exclaims as they leave the theater. Santana laughs.
"How would you know Brit you watched about five total minutes of it."? Brittany lightly smacks her arm. They spend another hour or so wondering around outside and getting ice cream.
"You look beautiful tonight B. I just… I uh just wanted to tell you that." Santana says as she shuffles her feet back and forth.
"You do too Santana. I am having a great time tonight. I'm really glad I met you and that we're friends" Brittany knows the second she says the last part of that sentence that it wasn't the right thing to say. And she curses herself because she's always saying stupid things. Santana's face falls just for a half second but it's enough for Brittany to know that wasn't what she wanted to hear. And the worst part is that's not what Brittany even really wanted to say, she doesn't even know what she wants to say anymore.
Santana recovers quickly and the evening does not suffer for Brittany's slip. At least Brittany doesn't think it does. When it starts to get late Santana drops Brittany back off at her dorm promising to text her the next day. That night when lying in bed she decides her new course of action is to just not think about it at all. She's just going to let things be what they are, and not push the issue, but maybe not push the issue away either.
When she wakes up the next morning she heads to the dance studio to work on some stuff for her improv class before heading to the library to try and finish up her weekend homework. She spends a lot of the time trying not to get to distracted by texting with Santana but she kind of fails when Santana sends her funny questions and things that are so much more interesting than History or Government or Math could ever be. They do discover that they have a semi similar schedule and can eat lunch together a few times a week. Brittany is happy about this, and they decide to meet Monday.
Class Monday goes slowly but soon she gets to meet Santana for lunch. She laughs nearly the entire time and feels so much better about heading to math now that she's in a much better mood. On Wednesday's lunch date Santana brings up the party on Friday. Brittany really isn't sure about going to a party but Santana seems so excited and Brittany is pretty sure that she would never take her to a party like the kind she had had to go to in high school. So she agrees.
Thursday she goes to LGBTA and sits between Santana and Sam. She feels bad because she's only been able to meet him once this week to go to the gym but between classes, studio time, Santana time, and the insane amount of time she spends in the Library she just doesn't have the time. But he doesn't seem to mind to much. The meeting goes quickly and they don't introduce themselves again which Brittany is glad for. The Anna girl keeps her distance mostly other than a few sneers sent Santana's way, and a few curious glances at Brittany.
Friday after class Brittany spends a bit of time at the practice studio working on one of her dance classes before heading to her room to get ready. She checks her phone.
From Santana: I'm really excited you're coming with me tonight.
Or I guess us. You're coming with us. But I am excited.
From Mercedes: Girl what color are you wearing?
From Sam: Mercedes really wants to know what color you're wearing.
From Kurt: Hey Brit! What color are you wearing tonight?
Brittany laughs at the texts. She is so happy with the friends she seems to be making.
To Santana: I am going with you silly. And your friends. But mostly you. I'm excited too.
To Mercedes: Probably black and red? I think.
To Sam: What color are you wearing Sam?
To Kurt: Black and red. Next time you better help me pick what to wear.
From Santana: : ) Meet you at your dorm to walk over?
To Santana: Of course. See you in a bit!
From Mercedes: Good. I didn't want us to clash.
From Sam: A pink spandex suit.
From Kurt: Good I didn't want us to clash. And next time for sure. : )
Brittany puts her phone down so she can focus on getting ready. She had decided earlier that day that she was going to wear her black dress. It was pretty short but so what? With these amazing red high heels. After her shower she did her hair and makeup and then got dressed. She only had a few minutes till Santana showed up. And everyone else. Right. She checked herself out in the mirror. Not bad she thought. She also hoped Santana would like it, she was pretty sure she would.
From Santana: We're out front, come down!
Brittany grabbed her bag and ran down stairs. As soon as she got out she saw Santana wearing a tight white dress with black heels. She looked absolutely stunning. Brittany knew her mouth was hanging open and so she shut it. But she couldn't stop staring. It seemed Santana was having a similar problem. Santana diverted her eyes first up to Brittany's face. "You look uh just shit. Beautiful Brit. You look stunning."
"You look so amazing San." She then remembered that there were several other people there with them " You all look good too. Lets go!" She tried to cover her awkwardness pretty unsuccessfully.
They got to the party, it was pretty loud but not intolerable. Brittany had already promised herself she'd only have one or two drinks no matter what anyone else told her to drink. She was pleasantly surprised that nobody seemed to have any desire to pressure her into drinking. Santana also wasn't drinking very much. Santana had recognized early on Brittany's hesitancy to go to the party at all, and didn't want to make things awkward for her now that she had come. Plus she didn't really like getting drunk anymore. They spent the majority of the first two hours at the party in a corner talking (read flirting) with each other when Santana realizes that she hasn't seen Kurt in a while. She goes to the kitchen to check on him.
When Santana walks away, Brittany sees Anna eyeing her up, and then walking over towards her.
"You look really hot." Anna says in what Brittany suspects was supposed to be a sexy voice except she failed.
"Uh thanks."
"I think you and I should maybe get out of here." She says, slurring a few of her words. She runs her finger down Brittany's arm.
"No I don't think so. I'm here with Santana and she's on her way back over so maybe you should go away." Santana walks back over as Brittany is telling Anna this. Anna squares her shoulders, not about to accept defeat. Brittany watches her sway a little bit. She must be really drunk, she thinks.
"I'm so much hotter." Brittany actually laughs at this. Santana beams at her. Anna started to look really angry.
"Yeah well you should probably know that bitch has a dick. Like a real fuckin dick. Isn't that right he she?" Brittany looks over at Santana expecting this to be some sort of mean joke or something, but Santana's eyes just get really wide, and filled with tears. She mumbles out a few words, and then runs from the house.
After about two very long silent seconds, Brittany bolts after her. She runs out of the house just in time to hear Mercedes laying a verbal smack down on Anna. Length of legs and lack of tears means she catches up to Santana pretty quickly. She grabs her arm which forces the Latina to spin and face her. Brittany's heart breaks at seeing Santana with large tears running down her face. The blonde pulls her into her arms tightly. Santana wraps her arms around Brittany's back and cries for a few minutes before her sobs start to calm down. She pulls away wiping under her eyes and mumbling apologies.
"Don't apologize San. You didn't do anything wrong. But…why are you so sad? Is what she said true? I mean…" Brittany trails off because she honestly doesn't know what it means, can girls have a penis? She suspects anything is possible.
"Uh yeah. I was born with one. And… But I'm a woman. My boobs are real, and I don't take hormones and I'm all girl Brittany except this one random part" Santana had decided honesty was the only way to go at this point, but then panics because she's sure Brittany is going to walk away.
"Shhhhh San. Sshhhhh It's ok. I swear it's ok. It doesn't matter. I know." Brittany says soothingly. Santana looks at her because there's no way anyone could be ok with this. But then she remembered, they're just friends. Her friends are fine with it.
"Yeah. It's ok because we're just friends. Right?" She doesn't mean for it to sound aggressive but it does. Brittany recognizes this as defensiveness. And she understands why. Something very personal and rare has just been revealed about Santana and on top of that Brittany knows she's been sending slightly mixed signals. But that's how she feels mixed. Then it hits her. She's not really mixed up. She knows exactly what she wants. And she knows what she doesn't want. She doesn't want the relationship she had. But that's not fair to put those standards on Santana. Santana would never treat her like that, and maybe she does want this. Nope. She definitely wants this.
So she puts her hands on Santana's cheek and brushes the tears away from under her eyes and then leans in slowly, as to give Santana plenty of time to pull away if this wasn't what she wanted, and then she kisses her. She presses her lips to Santana's fuller lips and she doesn't know how she's lived her whole life without this feeling. Butterflies erupt in her stomach as Santana starts to kiss her back, putting her hands on Brittany's waist. Brittany takes Santana's bottom lip in between hers and sucks gently, running the tip of her tongue across it. Santana lets out a breath into Brittany's mouth that held the slight vibrations of a very faint moan. After several minutes they pull apart. Brittany continues wiping tears off of Santana's face as Santana smiles beautifully up at her.
"I don't want to go back to the party." Santana says quietly. Brittany hates how small she sounds.
"Are you sure? I think Mercedes might have killed Anna." She tries to lighten the mood. It works a little, as Santana chuckles.
"You're probably right. But…I think maybe I'd just like to walk you home. If that's ok? If you want to go back to the party I understand."
"No San. The only reason I came was to see you. Plus, I'm kind of tired myself." Santana nods, and stands there awkwardly for a moment looking like she's having some sort of internal debate.
"Britt, could I maybe hold your hand? Would that be ok?" Brittany watches the blush creep up Santana's face. Brittany just linked their hands together as a form of response. They talk about nothing the entire way back. Sometimes asking each other random questions, sometimes just enjoying each other's company. When they get back to the dorm neither of them wants to be the one to say goodbye. But since it is Brittany's stop, she bites the bullet.
"Despite Anna's stupidity, I had a good time tonight. And you really do look so pretty San." Santana smiles at her in response. "Do you think I could see you tomorrow?"
"Definitely." She then leaned up and kissed Brittany sweetly for a few seconds before pulling away and giving her hand a squeeze. "You looked beautiful too. Goodnight Brit, I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Text me when you get back so I know you're home. I don't like that you're walking alone."
"I'll be fine. I will text you as soon as I get back."
She kissed her one last time before kissing her gently on the cheek and then letting go of her hands and walking down the sidewalk. Brittany watched till she couldn't see her anymore and then went up to her room. She was glad Rachel was already asleep. She washed her face, brushed her teeth, and changed. When she got back to her bed she lay down and waited for the text from Santana. While lying there she couldn't help but think about what she'd heard. Brittany knew fundamentally she didn't care. She was adamant about gender not being what makes her like someone. But she was confused about the mechanics of it all. She just wasn't sure how she'd talk to Santana about it. She felt her phone go off.
From Santana: Back safe and sound. Also, I know you must be confused. And I'm sorry I wasn't ok to talk about it tonight, or that I didn't already tell you. But maybe tomorrow we could go to the park and we could talk about whatever. My…everything. We could just talk about anything. OK Brit?
Brittany was glad that Santana was presenting her with this opportunity to not have to awkwardly bring it up some other time. But she definitely wanted to reiterate that this wasn't something that was going to make her walk away.
To Santana: I'm glad you're safe. And I'm glad we'll get to talk but just know no matter what it doesn't change anything. You're the most beautiful girl I've ever met.
From Santana: You're amazing. Sweet dreams B. I will text you in the morning.
To Santana: You make it easy to be amazing. Sweet dreams to you too. Can't wait to see you again.
And Brittany found that the second she let her feelings just be what they wanted when she kissed Santana, some of that heavy weight eased just a bit in her stomach, and she fell asleep with dreams of beautiful brown eyes and the most beautiful smile ever.