AN: So I got through half of the outline for this chapter and thought that it was getting really long. So I'm splitting this chapter. I've already started the next one. Sunday night at the latest I will have it posted.
Thank you for all of your reviews and suggestions. I keep trying to take them into account and work them in. So please by all means, keep suggesting. Or commenting. Telling me things you don't want to see is really helpful too. Anyway, hope you like the update. Please review!
Brittany is happy. She can say that with a certainty that she doesn't know she's ever been able to, other than at isolated times like dance and acceptance into college. Events. But this is a general happiness. A heart filling, lifting happiness that settles over her every time she thinks of Santana. Of course life isn't ever perfect, but things with Santana seem to be so far. She's been nothing but amazing and supportive. They met Sunday at a coffee shop to do homework. Yesterday Brittany didn't get to see her other than lunch, but even then Santana was never not holding her hand. She never came or went without kissing her. Gently. Never possessively (not that Brittany thinks it'd be a terrible thing for Santana to be possessive of her).
More than happy, Brittany has found a new feeling. Something she'd never felt. Not with dance or anything. Comfort. Santana has this way of making her feel comfortable and excited at the same time. Brittany, who her whole life has kind of wished she could be someone else, has begun to think maybe Brittany S. Pierce isn't so bad. Maybe she's worth it.
The only thing that could possibly bring Brittany down right now is the ever-present schoolwork. When she's doing schoolwork with Santana it seems to go better. Santana does her best to help her understand things. She doesn't talk down to her or make her feel stupid. She's never not felt stupid, but it's nice of Santana to not make it worse. Tutoring is helping a little, but its even more time out of her day. Last night she didn't even go to bed until four in the morning. Santana, judging by her texts, fell asleep around midnight.
Santana had been on her way back from her only class that day (stupid eight am classes) when she got a text from Brittany that made her frown a little. She said that she needed to pick up an extra tutoring session and that she wouldn't be able to go to the dining hall for lunch with her.
To Brittany: Do you get to eat at all?
From Brittany: I don't think so. Can't make it back to dorm. Dining hall will be too busy to get in and get out. I only have like 20 mins to get from Library to dance class.
Santana frowned. Brittany going to dance class having not eaten makes her upset. That can't be good for her. She gets an idea.
To Brittany: I will be waiting outside the library for you. Don't argue. See you then.
From Brittany: Wouldn't have argued. Can't find it in me to ever not see you if it's an option, even if it is just for a few minutes. Also, can we feed ducks this weekend?
Santana smiled and was responding when…
From Brittany: Is that lame? I'm sorry.
To Brittany: Not lame! We'll feed ducks. You're never lame. Even if you are it's cute.
From Brittany: : D See you in a little bit!
Santana likes to think she's a badass. A lot of people would probably agree. But for whatever reason, Brittany causes any and all badass ability to disintegrate without effort. Santana shrugs. Whatever, she'll lose her badassedness if she gets Brittany in return.
She gets back to her apartment and puts her stuff in her bedroom and gets her clothes and does a load of laundry. Then she looks at the clock and decides she can start lunch preparations now. She knows enough about Brittany now to know that she loves both peanut butter, and bananas. She hopes she likes them together as she makes two peanut butter and banana sandwiches. She is giddy. She can't even begin to explain how or why making Brittany lunch makes her so excited. She thinks maybe it's because she'll get to see her when she brings it to her. "If only you saw what I can see…" Santana starts singing to herself.
That stupid fucking song. It gets stuck in her head all the time. She smiles though. Because even though she hates the song, it's so damn appropriate. She starts singing it full out and does not hear the door open or close. If she had, she probably wouldn't be singing into a celery stick right now or dancing like she is.
"Wow." She hears and whips her head around to find Quinn standing there with her eyebrow raised. "First. What are you doing? Second. What are you singing? Third. Why?" Quinn asks. Santana doesn't think she's judging. Well, maybe she is. But Santana thinks she'll manage to not care.
"Making Britt lunch. Some stupid ass song that is on the radio all the time, Brittany likes it. And because…Brittany?" She finishes lamely. That's a lot of Brittany. Quinn shakes her head.
"You like her huh? I've hardly seen you the past few days and when I do your nose is glued to your cell phone. Texting Miss Brittany I'm assuming." Santana opens her mouth to disagree but why? That's all true.
"Yeah Q. I really like her. Like….girlfriend like her." Quinn pauses on her way to the fridge.
"Girlfriend? Like you already are or…?" She resumes her quest for a bottle of water. Trying to play it cool. Looks like she's going to have to have that conversation with Brittany sooner rather than later.
"No, not yet. But I want to be. I think I want to ask her. Is it too soon you think?"
"Maybe. But really only you know the answer to that. Just be careful S. If you get hurt again, I'm going to wreck somebody. I'll pick you up off the floor every time Santana, but just…be sure ok?" Quinn knows Santana has never felt like this before. She can see it in her best friend. She's practically vibrating with all the feelings she has. But even when she didn't feel this much and girls would reject her, or react poorly to news of her penis, she always took it hard. And Quinn was always there. Always would be.
"I know Q. But I'm sure. I'm already sure. Like really positive." She rambles while cutting celery sticks and putting grapes in a bag. "Ok I gotta go. B gets done soon and she needs to eat before dance class." Santana says as she grabs two bottles of water and carries it all out to her car. She's early to get Brittany. She knew she would be but she didn't want to leave the blonde waiting at all.
She's considering finding a CD to put in when she sees Brittany walk out of the door of the library and look around like she's looking for Santana. The Latina hits her horn lightly causing Brittany to look over. The smile that stretches over her face makes Santana's breath catch.
Brittany was expecting Santana to have walked over to meet her, but she's glad she's brought her car. She's tired and sitting down for an extra minute or two might be nice. When she gets into the car she leans over and kisses Santana on the lips, smiling and humming. "Missed you. All the time. Tutoring sucked."
"Will lunch make it better? I hope you like peanut butter and banana." Santana smiles as she hands Brittany her sandwich and puts the celery and grapes between them. Brittany looks over at her with a look of disbelief on her face. "If you don't like it I can maybe hurry and get you some…"
"You made me lunch?" Brittany cuts her off. She feels like she's going to cry. Nobody as ever done something like this before. Sure her parents made her food when she was little, but not in a really long time. Nobody has taken care of Brittany except Brittany. Until now. Santana made her lunch because she didn't want her to be hungry. Because Brittany's well being mattered to her. For no other reason than that she cared.
"Of course B. Why wouldn't I? Is it ok?" She asks in small curious voice. Brittany takes a small bite and smiles. Still trying to keep the tears at bay.
"Perfect. Thank you." She managed to keep the emotion down and smiled at Santana taking another huge bite. The sandwich really was perfect. She popped a few grapes in her mouth. She liked that they were sharing grapes and celery. She liked everything about right now. They finished their sandwiches and Santana started the car and drove towards Brittany's dance class.
"Finish up the grapes B. You gotta dance. That takes energy. Oh! I forgot I brought you water in case you were out or forgot or whatever." She leans into the backseat and grabs the bottle and hands it to Brittany who takes it with a small shake of her head and another smile.
"Seriously perfect." The smile that Brittany is giving Santana makes her feel a little perfect right now. "Ok I have to go. I probably have to study tonight but I know you said you have to go practice piano anyway right?" Santana nods. Knowing they can't see each other all the time but kind of hating it right now. "So I'll just text you? And miss you of course." Santana nods and kisses Brittany.
"Talk to you then B." Another kiss and Brittany is on her way to dance class. She texts Santana afterwards telling her that she's not sure her teacher is very good. She feels bad for thinking it but she knows it's ok to say those kinds of things to Santana.
From Santana: Yeah well I bet it's hard to compete with you. ;)
Brittany laughs. Of course Santana would say that.
To Santana: You've never seen me dance. You don't know that. Goof.
From Santana: I'd like to.
To Santana: You sing for me, I'll dance for you.
From Santana: Challenge accepted Pierce.
Brittany laughs again. She throws her stuff down in her dorm room, saying a brief hello to Rachel before grabbing her stuff to shower. After her shower she gets dressed and heads back to the library. For the record, she thinks, the library is much better with a Santana in it. She thinks about texting Santana that, thinking it'd make her smile. But she doesn't want Santana to show up. The more Santana helps her, the more worried Brittany gets that Santana is going to realize how stupid she is.
Santana texts her when she gets done with her scheduled practice time.
From Santana: How's homework?
To Santana: Ok. How was practice?
From Santana: Killed it. As usual. Just kidding. I mean I did kill it, and I usually do but I try not to be too cocky about it. ;)
Brittany laughs. She's only heard Santana hum, and sing under her breath but she imagines it's beautiful.
To Santana: I bet it's well deserved. But I'll know for sure once you sing for me.
From Santana: Might be my most important performance to date then. How much longer for homework?
Brittany thinks maybe Santana is thinking about showing up at the library to see her if she's going to be there much longer. She doesn't want that. So she lies. It's not really a lie, or maybe it is but she wishes it were true.
To Santana: Not long maybe? I'm tired.
From Santana: Ok. I think I'm going to hang out with Mercedes and Sam tonight. I haven't in a few days. Text me if you need anything.
To Santana: Have fun. Talk to you later.
She goes back to studying. A few hours later (why does time go so fast when she needs it to slow down?) she gets another text from Santana.
From Santana: Hopefully you're in bed, or at least back in your dorm by now. I think I'm going to head to bed. Another early class tomorrow. So stupid.
Brittany knows those words aren't directed at her. But they might as well be. She's been here for hours and is no closer to being finished she thinks. But if she wants to see Santana at all this weekend she's going to have to keep working.
To Santana: Goodnight! Sweet dreams! Lunch tomorrow?
From Santana: Goodnight and sweet dreams yourself. And I wouldn't miss it for anything.
Brittany smiles. She feels lucky. She looks back down at her books and groans a little bit, and presses on.
Thank god for the twenty-four hour library Brittany thinks as she packs up at 5:30am. She's exhausted and by time she gets back to her room and settled down, she'll have to get up in two hours. At least it's something she guesses. She gets back to her room and doesn't even undress before crawling onto her bed and falling asleep. She wakes up to her alarm as soon as she closes her eyes it feels like.
She gets up, changes, grabs her stuff and shuffles off to class praying that she doesn't fall asleep and miss something. Because that's all she needs right now. She has lunch to look forward to, and she does. When she feels like she's starting to fall asleep she thinks about Santana to try and distract herself from how tired she is. She doesn't think she learned much this period.
She makes her way to the dining hall, and sees Santana waiting out front. Santana waves at her, Brittany raises her hand in reply. Trying to smile, trying to act like she has any energy.
Santana can tell something is wrong. Normally, even when Brittany walks she dances. And she always lights up when she see's Santana. Which she isn't doing right now. What confirms Santana's suspicion is that Brittany walks right past a squirrel and doesn't mention it at all. Normally Brittany announces every single animal she sees.
Brittany walks up to Santana and hugs her. Putting a little more weight on her than she meant to. But it feels good not to support herself for a second. Santana just holds her tight.
"What's wrong Britt?" Santana asks as they part and walk through the doors. Brittany just shrugs. Not wanting to tell the truth because then Santana would probably get frustrated and ask why it took so long for her to do her homework.
Santana lets it drop for a minute while they go in and get their food. Once their seated again, she notices Brittany is just pushing salad around her plate and ignoring the Lucky Charms she always gets. They make small talk. Santana is in the middle of looking for something on her phone to show Brittany, a picture that Sam sent her, when she looks up and Brittany is leaning against the wall with her eyes closed. That's it.
"Brittany. What's wrong? Don't you feel well?" She asks, concern lacing her voice.
"I'm ok. Just tired."
"Why are you so tired?" Brittany can't lie to Santana. That's not ok. Santana has been completely honest and Brittany just hopes this won't be the thing that makes Santana sick of her.
"I didn't get to bed till about six ish." Brittany looks down at her plate. She should eat something.
"Six? Britt what were you doing?" Santana had gone to bed around midnight and assumed Brittany did too.
"Studying. That's when I got back from the library." She says sheepishly.
"Brittany! You walked home from the library then? Wait... what were you doing at the library that late? Never mind. Studying. Duh. But why?" Santana is worried. Brittany is really pale and listless. She shouldn't be this tired after one late night.
"I just can't understand anything. Everything is so damn hard. No matter how much tutoring I have I'm just…I'm so fucking stupid." She hisses more to herself than anything. Tears coming to her eyes.
"Hey. No. Britt you aren't stupid you just learn different. You get things fine when you and I study together."
"It's not your job to make sure I get things Santana. I'm an adult. I should be able to get them on my own except I can't. I can't get any of it. And I don't want to ask you for help because I don't want you to think I'm stupid too. Except now you do." Tears are now slowly trickling out of Brittany's eyes. Santana thinks that maybe this issue goes a little deeper than Brittany just being tired and overwhelmed.
"I don't think you're stupid. Not at all. And you don't have to ask, I'm offering. If I can help you, I always will. I know you'd do the same for me. How much sleep did you get Monday night B?"
"Like three hours." She sniffs.
"And the night before?" Santana is definitely concerned now.
"Sunday night? About the same. I did more homework after the coffee shop."
Santana knows she should lecture Brittany about all she had to do was ask at the coffee shop and Santana would have spent more time helping her. But right now she thinks maybe that's not what Brittany needs.
"Ok. Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to pick you up after your last class. You're done at two thirty right?" Brittany nods. "We're going to go back to my place and take a nap. So that way I know you're not doing homework. Because being this tired is only making it harder for you. If you are uncomfortable with us sleeping together, then I can just watch TV in the living room or something. Then we'll eat dinner, and go to the library. I don't have any homework or practice so I can help you with any subjects that I know anything about. Ok? I don't think you're stupid. I'm not annoyed or burdened. Does that sound like an ok plan?"
Brittany doesn't know how she got this lucky. She really doesn't. "You'll nap with me?" Santana smile beams, and she nods. "Ok. That sounds good." Brittany's mood improved after that. Knowing things will be a little better tonight. She starts in on her slightly mushy lucky charms. After lunch and a quick kiss goodbye, Brittany heads to her next class hopeful that she'll be able to stay awake a little longer. Her chest feels lighter. Santana doesn't think she's stupid. Not yet anyway.
Santana runs home to pick up her room before she has to go get Brittany. She keeps it pretty clean so there's not much to do. It upsets her that Brittany didn't tell her that she was struggling so much. She clearly has a lot of problems with school, but whatever. So do a lot of people. Sam struggles pretty bad too. That boy would have failed a long time ago if it weren't for Mercedes and Kurt. Maybe they could all do study groups together, Santana thinks. She'll ask Brittany sometime. But for now, she's perfectly content helping Brittany with everything she can.
She jumps into her car and drives towards the dance building. She wonders what Dance Theory class entails. She bets it's pretty interesting actually. Brittany walks out, still shuffling slightly, still even paler than usual, but she doesn't look so defeated. Santana is glad.
Brittany is just happy to see Santana. Happy to know they're going to go take a nap. She knows Santana likes to cuddle. Saturday she held her the entire movie, and Sunday there were a few times where Brittany had leaned against her at the coffee shop, and Santana's arms just automatically wrapped around her. Brittany loved it. She hoped napping would also mean cuddling. And maybe some kisses.
She gets into the car and Santana brushes some hair behind her ear that had fallen out of her ponytail. "Nap time?" Brittany asks. Santana tucks her bottom lip under her teeth and nods, smiling.
They get back to Santana's apartment and get inside. "Oh I don't have sweats on me. I'm sure I'll fall asleep in my jeans. I'm so tired."
"I can just lend you shorts B. And you're already wearing a tank top." Brittany nods. She likes the idea of wearing Santana's clothes.
Oh my God Brittany is going to be wearing my clothes, Santana thinks to herself. Or really, yells to herself. She's not sure why she loves the idea of Brittany in her clothes so much. But it just feels so realtionshipy. Santana pulls Brittany into her room and goes to her dressers pulling out a pair of old cheerleader shorts, handing them to Brittany.
Brittany just looks around. She notices two guitars, tons of books, tons of cds, more movies, a laptop, a picture of what Brittany assumes is Santana and her brothers. She smiles. "Thank you. I'll go change in the bathroom." Brittany goes to head out.
"Hey Brit are you sure" Santana ducks her head in embarrassment "are you sure it's ok if I don't wear the compression shorts?"
"You better not. I want you comfy and nap ready when I get back." Santana feels lucky too.
Brittany comes back from the bathroom and Santana is pulling the covers back on her bed. She turns around when she hears Brittany come back in. Those shorts are even smaller on Brittany than they are on her. She gulps. But smiles at Brittany who is smiling at her. Always so beautiful.
Brittany thinks Santana is beautiful too. Even in her tank top and basketball shorts. Brittany thinks Santana might just always be beautiful. She's ok with that, she gets to look at her a lot. She glances down to her shorts subtly. Wondering if she could even tell if Santana wasn't wearing the shorts. She definitely can. Basketball shorts hide nothing, and there is the subtle and first real reminder of what Santana showed her. Still, Brittany cares very little that Santana looks different than her. It's just not that important.
Santana beckons Brittany over and takes her hand and then crawls into bed pulling Brittany with her. Santana lays down holding the blankets up for her to lie down. Brittany lays down half on to of Santana, who lowers her arm, and the blanket. Brittany hovers above her for a second before leaning down to capture the Latina's lips. The kiss progressed quickly and soon they were full on making out. Tongues battling for dominance as Santana's hands pressed into the small of Brittany's back.
Santana didn't think making out with Brittany would ever get old. She both feels and hears Brittany moan into her mouth, can feel their breasts pushing together. So amazing. Wait. Too amazing. Oh God. She thinks. Not now. Please not now. She can feel herself starting to get hard. She pushes Brittany gently backwards and slides out from under her and a few inches away. "I'm really sorry Brittany." Santana says desperately hoping Brittany is ok with what just happened. She looks down and picks at an invisible thread on the sheet.
"What? That we kissed? I kissed you. I still want to nap, I just missed kissing you." Brittany says clearly confused. Santana's face turns bright red.
"Not that. I liked that. Maybe too much." She blushes impossibly brighter.
"Oh yeah mean you started to get hard? So. I think I'd be more concerned if you didn't." Santana looks up at her incredulously. Why wasn't she weirded out at all? Santana couldn't get it through her head that Brittany was ok with this. Not tolerated. Not managed to ignore. Just…she didn't care. Santana nodded.
"Santana I don't know how to explain to you how much it doesn't matter to me that you have a dick. Listen. I have a vagina. Right?" Santana gulps. She is acutely aware of this fact, yes. She nods. "And how do you feel about my vagina?"
Santana's eyes get really wide. She wants that to be a rhetorical question. But clearly it's not because Brittany is looking at her with expectant eyes. "Uh. Well… I mean I am looking forward to meeting it some day?" She ducks her head again as Brittany chuckles.
"I feel the same exact way. I feel the same way about what you've got under your shorts, as you feel about what I've got under mine. It's not a big deal. Ok?" Santana nods. Scratch that, it's not that Brittany doesn't care, it's that this was ok. It was all-ok. It was just…it was just Santana to Brittany. Santana was hit with an overwhelming need to cuddle. She lay down and opened her arms, hoping Brittany would get it.
She did. Brittany was so ready to be held. So ready to fall asleep for a little bit. They pulled each other as close as possible. Brittany's last thought before she drifted off was that she desperately wished she'd get to get used to this. It was wonderful.
Santana stayed awake for a while thinking of what Brittany had said, thinking about music. But mostly she was listening and feeling Brittany breathe. She sometimes ran her fingers through Brittany's hair, and kissed her forehead. She eventually fell asleep too.
Her alarm went off too soon. But she wanted to get up because she wanted to get Brittany to the library at a decent time so maybe Brittany could go to bed at a decent time tonight. She had never felt any desire to take care of anyone. Admittedly, she'd grown up a well-kept child. She had four brothers that did anything for her that she needed. And while her mother and father were distant, they took care of her when she needed it. Even Quinn kind of took care of her. But Santana wanted to do things for Brittany. She wanted to help and care for her. What she didn't want to do was wake her up.
"Brit. Brit baby wake up." She says quietly, laying light kisses over her eyes and cheeks. "Wake up baby."
While Brittany had no desire to wake up, how can you not smile when being woken up like that? Plus Santana called her baby. That made her heart tingle. "Mmmmm" Santana smiled. Success.
"Can I make you French toast for dinner?" Brittany cracks open one eye. Is she even asking that? When breakfast is for dinner, the answer is always yes.
"What did I do to deserve you?" Brittany answers. Santana smiles.
"I feel the same way." She leaned in to kiss Brittany. After a moment, they both got up and Brittany went into the bathroom to change back into her clothes. She comes back in hugging her arms around herself. "You cold bab—Brit?" Brittany smiled. So only when she was asleep then?
"Yeah I am baby." She emphasized the baby. Santana blushed. Brittany must have heard her call her baby. Apparently she didn't mind. Noted.
"Want a hoodie?" Brittany nods. Santana hands her her favorite hoodie, excited once again by the prospect of Brittany wearing it.
Brittany notices as Santana hands her a hoodie that it's one of her cheerleading hoodies, and that on the back of it it says 'LOPEZ'. She gets to wear Santana's last name. When did all of this become so exciting? She'd refused to wear anything of Tommy's ever. Santana's hoodie smells just like her, and Brittany loves it.
They go downstairs and head toward the kitchen. Santana gets busy getting the stuff out that she needs to make French toast. "Do you cook?" She asks Brittany.
"Um. Like three things well. I ate a lot of cereal after the age of like ten honestly. But I make awesome chicken salad, salmon, and macaroni and cheese." Santana stops moving before looking slyly back at Brittany.
"Mac and cheese? Like from a box or scratch?" Santana asks with importance. Which is good, because it is important.
"Well the noodles come from a box but I mean I make the rest." Santana was now staring very intently at her.
"I love macaroni and cheese. Like love a lot. Mercedes makes it pretty ok. But…maybe you could make it sometime?" Brittany's eyes light up. She feels like there's not a lot she can do for Santana. Santana helps her study. Santana is making her food. Santana makes sure she sleeps. But she can definitely make her awesome macaroni and cheese.
"Can I use your kitchen to do it?" Santana nods enthusiastically. "It's a date then. Sometime next week?" Santana kisses her. Clearly excited for macaroni and cheese, and the fact that Brittany comes with it is a huge bonus. Brittany laughs lightly.
After they finish, what Brittany has deemed, the greatest French toast of all time, they clean up and head to the car. When they get to the library Santana makes Brittany tell her everything she has to do. Which, honestly, is way less that Santana thought it would be. But she knows it's harder for Brittany than it is for her. So she just smiles at her, and tries to convey some optimism.
Brittany can't believe she didn't just do this earlier. Studying with Santana is so much better than studying alone. And Brittany thinks she might me magic as well. Things make sense when Santana explains them to her. And when she has a question, Santana doesn't get frustrated. It takes them, once again, less time to get through even more than Brittany had hoped to get done. She can't help but wonder if maybe she had had a good tutor like Santana when's he was younger, maybe this wouldn't be so hard now.
They pack up and get back into the car so Santana can drop Brittany off at her dorm. She almost asks Brittany to come back and sleep with her. She thinks that now that she's slept with Brittany in her arms, she's not sure how she'll go back to sleeping alone again. But she doesn't. Because it's a school night. And she doesn't want to become that person who can't just be by themselves. She honestly doesn't mind being by herself, but if Brittany was an option, why would she ever pick anything else?
"I can't thank you enough for everything the past few days. I don't know what I would have done if it weren't for you. Bringing me lunch and making me sleep and helping me study. You're like a sexy guardian angel or something." Santana laughs and shakes her head. "But you have to promise me that you'll always put your school work first. And you won't stay up late with me if you need sleep. And you won't help me if you have stuff to do. Promise me. Because if I have to worry that you're helping me and ignoring yourself it will make it hard for me to ask for help." And Brittany thinks she's stupid, Santana thinks.
"I promise Brit. As long as you promise to let me help before things get bad. Ok?" Brittany nods.
"Oh let me give you this back." She goes to take the hoodie off to give back to Santana.
"No you keep it. In case you get cold or whatever." She tries to play it off. She just likes the idea of Brittany having something of hers when she's not there. Brittany likes it too.
They say their goodnights and Brittany heads up to her room. She showers and gets ready for bed. Before climbing under the blankets, she puts Santana's hoodie back on and cuddles into it. It smells just like her. But it's not quite as good as having the real her. She grabs her phone and snaps a picture of herself with the hood up, cuddled into her pillow and sends it to Santana. Knowing that it will make her smile.
From Brittany: Not quite as good as being with you, but the next best thing till next time.
It does make her smile. A lot. She looks at it for several minutes, letting her heart swell before she sends a message back.
To Brittany: Soon. But until then, I like you in my clothes. Sweet dreams Britt Britt.
She sets the picture to the background of her phone, and looks at it a few more times before she falls asleep.