Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter Thirty

There was silence. A rather long silence. Three sets of eyes stared across the coffee table at one another. There was one couch to either side, and Tara sat on one with Kit, while by herself on the other was Lilith. She was looking at the duo—if Kit had to hazard a guess—with a mix of confusion and how one might appear if they were in a process of digesting information or allowing it to settle fully.

"To be sure I understand," Lilith began, her gaze focused on Kit's, then shifting to Tara's, "my brother, heartbroken and distraught, sought the return of his soul from a dijinn in Africa. But somehow that didn't work out because his demon and his soul were merged into one, so he was sent back in time and his past and future selves became one person." She paused and Kit nodded.

She nodded in return and continued, "Because his wish was tied to the current Slayer, Buffy, she was sent back in time via the Powers in order to undo this mess—to separate them. She would be Dare, the one Will has grown so very close to. Am I correct? Do I have it all?"

"That is very much the sum of it," Tara replied.

"Why have I not been told sooner?" She didn't sound upset; more curious than anything else. "Why now?"

"Because the night your mother died and Regina sent for us, she came in person. In her impatience, she went straight to Dare's—Buffy's—room and found out by accident that she was not who she said she was," Kit explained.

"I see."

Tara sighed. "We were primarily concerned with William finding out. Reggie has agreed not to say anything now that it has all been explained to her, just as it has been explained to you." She motioned towards Kit. "He felt it would be good to tell you, easier even because of your involvement with the council."

"But you would not have if Reggie had not found out."

Tara shrugged. "I imagine you would have found out eventually, to be truthful. But we needed to be cautious. Are you upset?"

Lilith hesitated visibly and then finally shook her head. "No, not at all. Perhaps I should be, but the nature of what we all do has an element of secrecy to it. I would be a bit a hypocritical if I held your need for secrecy against you, especially given the delicacy of the situation." She was quiet again for a while, her line of sight shifting to her hands as her whole body seemed to slacken. "My brother... a creature of the night..."

"He's a good man," Tara argued. "He became a very good man against all odds. I promise you that."

"Part of me feels as though I am mourning the loss of him and my mother now." She smiled, but it was weak. She looked to Tara then. "You know him well? As... Spike?"

Tara smiled. "Very well."

She nodded. "I believe you. It pains me to know all you have told me, but I believe you. I suppose my only question might be is... what do you need of me?"

"Nothing really," Tara told her. "Aside from making sure nature takes its course."

"Might I suggest something then?"

"Of course," Kit replied.

Lilith exhaled and reached for her tea just before her on the table between them. Saucer in hand, she lifted it and took a sip before speaking once more. "It's been several days since the passing of my mother. And while I admit that I have not lived in the home my brother and sister and I grew up in for quite some time... It does hold memories for me. Good ones and bad. I watched my father die there... my mother." She lowered her hands, cup and saucer still grasped, to her lap. "I believe we need to step away from the London residence for a time; go to the country. The halls are harrowing and each crevice holds enough meaning that I find it difficult not to cry. And if I feel as much, I know my siblings do as well."

"It might not be a terrible idea to get away," Tara agreed. "Take some time away from it all."

"I agree," Kit said gently. "If you like, I can certainly offer one of my estates for your purposes."

"I would like that very much as it would not be a place full of our own family memories," Lilith said with a smile. "I would also not like have Dare—or rather Buffy—parted from my brother. She does have a job to do, after all. You both should come. You as well," she told Tara.

Tara grinned. "I'll be around, but thank you for the invite."

Lilith nodded. "I'll make the arrangements then. We'll depart tomorrow morning?"

"I'll let Buffy know."

"Thank you."

"There is... one more thing," Tara said.

"Oh?" This from Lilith.

"It's about Reggie."

#

The days passed; they were long, agonizing, and at the same time beautiful. William, in his own way, reminded her a lot of Spike during those dark moments when he'd returned to Sunnydale after Dru broke off their relationship. Granted, he wasn't out kidnapping people, demanding love spells be cast, or threating them at sharpened-broken-bottle-point; however... there was that ever present distress in his eyes. She wondered very briefly if she'd often looked that way after her own mother had passed. Sure, he smiled, he laughed, but there were nights when all he did was curl into her arms and cry; there were nights where she woke up to him shaking and panting from some terrible nightmare. He did well not to show it all too badly during the day... but once the sun dropped below the horizon, once they were alone, he fell apart. Over and over again. He trusted her to catch him at every fall. And while it hurt her to see him in so much pain, she couldn't help but be humbled by his open vulnerabilities.

Why couldn't she have ever done this with him? Let go? Break down those walls? Allow him to shoulder her burdens, fears, and short-comings?

Hindsight.

When Kit told her they were leaving for the country she'd baulked, thinking they were going to another stupid party. Then when he explained what was really going on she'd felt like a big idiot. Of course they should all get away from London, away from the people, the events, and the heartache. Everyone needed breathing room—a place to go that didn't include four walls soaked with images of the past.

She honestly didn't know why it had taken Lilith to suggest it. Buffy should have. It was only that she hadn't grown up around people with enough money for vacation homes anymore. That, and her primary concern recently was the obvious one—taking care of William and being an ear for Reggie when she asked for it.

But she was so glad when she got there. Kit's country estate was much larger than the other they'd gone to not too long ago. It felt more like an oversized bed and breakfast than a home. They had stables, flower and vegetable gardens, and the biggest kitchen she'd ever seen. The library was twice the size of the one in Kit's London home. And Buffy, for her part, began to feel a little spoiled. Is this why Giles never seemed to run out of money? Then again, she was sure she'd know if he were a lord. England still had lords, right? They still had a queen... so...

Lilith had been in charge of selecting the rooms for everyone, among other domestic responsibilities she'd volunteered herself for. Buffy knew the older woman knew what was up, but she was still a little taken aback internally when she'd put William and herself in rooms that sat right next to each other with a connecting dressing room. Weren't those... for married couples? Would William think something odd was going on? If he had when the directions were given for where to sleep, he hadn't said so or visibly indicated anything. So... Buffy mostly counted them all lucky. He was still probably too engrossed with Anne's death to really argue about silly things like bedroom arrangements.

Still, she wasn't sure if she should count herself too lucky. It was nice to be so close to his room, but she was a little worried it would be easier for him to find her out before he was supposed to.

She sighed as she leaned into the wooden beam next to her. She was probably worrying about nothing. William would never come into her room without knocking. Spike might, but that was an entirely different monster.

She smiled.

"Would you like to go for a ride?"

"I'm sorry?" Buffy turned and looked towards William as he exited the stables. He had his hands on his hips and was looking at her with a slight raised brow. "A ride on...?"

"A horse, what else?" his mouth quirked a little, warming her insides.

"Oh!" Duh! What else, indeed. Buffy smiled and scratched the back of her head. They'd gotten in late last night, eating briefly and sleeping most of the morning. Everyone had had lunch together about an hour ago and she'd just sort of followed William out back when they'd finished, not really knowing what he'd been up to. "I guess a ride would be good... but it's been a while for me." The acreage surrounding Kit's home was wide open with a line of trees that extended into a forest out in the distance. Certainly enough space to really let an animal go as fast as they wanted to. Or, you know, not. The last time Buffy had been on a horse was when she'd been about thirteen and had a wild hair up her ass to be a professional rider. After about six weeks of instruction that had ended in falling on her ass, she'd promptly decided 'horsies' were more fun to look at than sit on the back of.

But that had been a long time ago. The apprehension didn't feel quite as overwhelming anymore.

Her face must have echoed some of the former sentiments because he came forward and took her hands into his own. "It's a good way to clear your head, but you don't have to go with me if you don't wish to."

"Well... I do." She frowned as she looked down, trying to decide.

"Were you thrown?"

She nodded. "When I was a kid."

"Ah..." He nodded. "Everyone has at least once or twice."

"And they get back on?" She blinked, meeting his gaze.

He chuckled. "Yes, usually. Do you want to give it another try? The stable master tells me there are two very gentle mares."

Buffy frowned again. Part of her didn't want a gentle horse. And she knew which part that was. "No... I think I'll be ok. No gentle mares for me. I just... probably need to take it slow until I get used to it again." And really, when would get another chance to ride a horse? That kind of shit was expensive back home. This was something she could take back with her no matter what happened between her and Spike.

"Alright, I'll let the stable master know. No gentle mares." He grinned, pressed a kiss to her forehead, and slipped away into the stables again.

She waited, arms crossed over her chest as she stared out at the open fields dotted by a stray tree or two. Vaguely, she could hear William talking from within and doors to stalls being opened. Every now and then a horse would make a noise or rub against the wooden walls. Everything smelled of grass and hay, maybe even oats. Though Buffy really didn't know; she'd never exactly put her face right up next to a container of the latter.

But she really could appreciate how… quiet it was out here. It was like that in Sunnydale at times; at night, you know, when she wasn't fighting the evil dead. This was so very different from LA or London. A girl could, for a bit at least, get used to it. She certainly wouldn't mind a vacation now and then.

Ha. Slayer vacations. Right.

"Here you are," she heard William say from her right. "David tells me Orion is an experienced stallion and very well trained. He shouldn't give you any fuss at all." As Buffy turned to watch him walk towards her with two rather large horses—one brown and the other black—she felt herself smiling. She should probably be a bit more worried at the prospect of riding again, especially after so many years having not, but she just didn't feel intimidated. She wanted to be happy, if only to help him feel better.

"Hmm…" she hummed as she eyed the black one he'd initially gestured to a moment ago, "I might need a boost." There were some days when being of the short people was not of the good. At all.

"There's a block for stepping up over there." He motioned after he handed her the reigns to Orion.

She nodded and carefully led the horse to the block a few feet away from the wall. Once the animal was still she murmured a few soft things and placed her foot in the stirrup. In one deep inhale, she was pulling herself up and over, settling into the saddle.

"Good," she heard William say to her left. As she looked, she could see he was already on his own animal. "Do you remember how to direct him?"

Buffy nodded. "Just don't go running off without me," she said as she gently had Orion turn about. He was shifting under her, but otherwise felt calm.

"Wouldn't dream of it."

"Then where are we off to?" she asked as she came up next to him.

He shrugged, glancing over at her. "Not sure. I assumed we would wander a bit."

"No arguments here."

And thus they were off, primarily heading in a direction that led them more towards the trees in the distance. Though Buffy didn't think they'd really go there; mostly it was just one way to head in. Neither of them were really saying anything either and she was struck by how nice it was to be around someone and not say anything. Had she ever done that with Spike? Had she ever given him the chance to be like this? Probably not; she wasn't so ignorant as to think his snarky remarks and cutting retorts were normal for him all the time. She more than anyone else understood the concept of having a front. They'd all had one, hadn't they? Covering sad moments with humor, masking pain with laugher? Ignoring friends spiraling out of control by just glossing it over...

They all could have been a bit better, really. And no one was more at fault than the other; each person contributed equally. Well... maybe not Dawn. It was hard to hold Dawn's actions against her, given that Buffy was supposed to be her guardian. If she was guilty of anything, it was of wanting to be loved and acknowledged. There were things she really could have done better when it came to her little sister.

"This seems like a good place," William finally said, breaking the silence. He got off his own animal and Buffy mirrored his actions. "Go ahead and take the bridle off. We'll let them graze a bit."

"Alright."

In the end she had to have him help her, too afraid of aggravating Orion. He seemed nice to put up with her near naiveté and she just didn't want to ruin his day by tugging on the wrong strap and hurting him.

They were near a small pond; she called it a pond. A river passed through it, but there was a natural dam on both sides. Did they have beavers in England? She decided not to contemplate it as they took a seat under a large tree.

"It really is lovely out here," William said, looking out at the distance.

Buffy hummed in agreement as she leaned back into the trunk, legs crisscrossed under her. "Did you ever come out to the country a lot?"

"Growing up?"

"Yeah."

"Sometimes for Christmas. The snow doesn't get dirty out here and it's easier to enjoy the season."

"And summer?"

"Occasionally. My father did a lot of business in the city though and he didn't like to be away from the family."

"That makes sense."

"And you?"

Buffy smiled. "We rarely went away for holidays." Buffy tried to remember that her parents were supposed to be dead, both of them, insofar as William was concerned. It would be easier to talk about her mother. "I was never close with my father, but my mother always made things really special during Christmas. She would decorate the whole house, do all of the cooking, and smile like it hadn't been a big deal at all."

"The magic of mothers..." William mused aloud, smiling.

"They are pretty magical. And you never fully realize just how much until they aren't around anymore."

"If… if you don't mind me asking…"

"Yes?" Buffy prompted him, her gaze shifting from the scenery to him.

"How did you lose her?"

"Suddenly," Buffy replied, knowing that if she didn't speak right away it might get all caught in her throat and threaten to choke her. No matter the passing of time, it still felt too soon. "I came home one day and found her laying on the couch, eyes wide open and staring up into nothing. I called her name… went to her… I called for help…" She let it hang at that, uncertain if Victorian England had CPR.

"It must have been difficult for you." He paused. "And… not that it helps much… but… my sympathies."

"It helps." Spike had mourned just as deeply even if he'd never let it show. Her mother had always been kind to him, perhaps even when he hadn't really deserved it. Well… at least when he'd been hurting her friends; or rather trying to.

After a good bit of time as passed in her own thoughts she realized William had been quiet for a while. Buffy finally looked over at him, worried. "Are you ok?"

He let out a sigh. "It occurs to me that when December comes that it shall be the first Christmas without her."

Buffy could relate to that. She could keenly remember not wanting to put anything up, how much everything hurt all the time. Not just her mother being gone, but being in the world. It was much easier now; being here had helped. But that had nothing to do with William's pain... his loss.

Buffy reached up and placed a hand on his shoulder, squeezing once. "I don't... I don't really have an answer. I think everyone grieves and deals with loss in their own way, but... don't shut yourself in when the time comes, you know?" Not that he knew he wouldn't be here for Christmas. God, she hoped not. "Let people in. Trust me."

He nodded as he wiped once or twice at his face. Buffy took that moment to reach for him, wrapping both arms around his middle. Her cheek was pressed to the side of his face, her eyes shut, and her chin brushing his shoulder. "I'm here."

"Thank you for that."

She nodded, but didn't say anything more, allowing the moment to pass on. She heard him sigh after a while, felt as his hand curled over one of hers.

"I don't know what I would do without you."

"Good thing you don't have to worry about that," she murmured back with a smile.

"Indeed."

#

It was hours later they both returned back to the house. William had excused himself while Buffy had gone off to check on Reggie; she wanted to make sure the younger woman was alright forgoing her lessons today. Wait… forgoing? Ugh… when she got back home she was never going to hear the end of her having 'acquired new language skills' from both Giles and Xander.

Either way… Reggie had been fine with that. She was still sore from their long trip and wanted to do a bit of reading. Buffy, for a real lack of anything else to do, had joined her. (The escapade on the saddle hadn't left her feeling entirely unsore herself.) They'd talked for brief bursts before going back to their respective novels.

"You know," Buffy said, "some of these books are so damned old I can't even understand what they're saying. The language is all… weird and… old. Dickens was much easier."

"He is a fine writer. Very spooky," Reggie agreed. "Say…" she went on, one finger scratching at her chin idly. "Did… um…. Lily speak to you at all?"

A single brow rose. "About?" She was peaking over her book at Reggie.

Reggie frowned. "About my leaving."

"With me?"

"Yes."

"No… why?"

Reggie sighed. Her grasp on the book in her lap slackened. "She's not very happy about the prospect. But I think it's mostly that she'll miss me. I mean, miss being able to see me at all. If I go, that is. I want to go; that hasn't changed…"

"But…?"

"She'll have lost her whole family. It'll just be her and my nephew."

"She said she didn't want you to leave?"

Reggie shook her head. "She expressed worry. But I could also detect sadness in her voice."

"Ah…"

Reggie visibly slumped and leaned back in the chair she was occupying.

"Just give her time, Reg."

"I know, but I suppose I was hoping you had some advice."

Buffy thought about that. "I'm not really good at the giving advice thing… but…" She scratched her head. She supposed for Lilith it would be like mourning her mother, brother, and sister. An entire family gone in one swoop. You know, assuming Reggie could go. "Did you tell her why you wanted to leave?"

"A bit."

Buffy frowned at her.

"She hasn't seen the things I've seen. How could I possibly explain cars to her? Or… or the TV and movies you told me about?"

"After one little glimpse with Tara you understand it?"

"No! And that's precisely my point." She huffed.

"But you're not going for the cars and TV, Reg…. are you?" She narrowed her eyes.

"No, but—."

"Then just tell her you don't feel like you fit in here. Tell her you want to experience life without feeling like you have to get married to someone who doesn't get you. That's my advice."

"Perhaps…"

"Won't know till you try."

"I suppose I'm afraid to talk to her about it in any grand detail. I know she's going to be upset regardless of what I say."

"Well…. Duh. You're her sister. She's going to miss you. Stack you being gone on top of her mom and brother and it's pretty much sucks-ville."

Reggie wrinkled her nose. "…I'm fairly certain that was English."

Buffy grinned in response.

"I understand what you mean though."

"Good."

It was at that moment that a door opened in the sitting room Reggie and Buffy occupied. A servant bowed. "Lord Blackwood has asked me to inform you that dinner shall be ready in fifteen minutes."

"Thank you. Message received," Buffy told the stiff-looking man. She smiled a little as he nodded and backed out of the room, shutting the doors behind him.

Reggie got up. "I believe I'll head up to my room before eating."

"Oh?"

"My maid tied this bloody corset too tight and it's starting to smart in places too delicate to speak about." She gave a smirk. "If I'm late, inform them I'm having a…" She tapped her chin and looked upwards. "...What did you call it?"

"A wardrobe malfunction?"

"Yes, that. Tell them that."

Buffy laughed. "Sure thing, Reg." She closed her own book and parted ways with the younger woman, going down the hall in the opposite direction. When she reached the dining room she noticed William wasn't here. Brows high, she glanced over at Lilith. "Is your brother not eating?"

"He requested a meal be brought to his room and informed me he had a few things to think over. Said he wanted a bit of privacy." She was smiling sadly. "He also asked me to tell you not to worry and that he would talk to you later."

"Oh... Alright." She took a seat adjacent to Kit and across from Lilith.

"I wouldn't take it personally," Lilith went on to say as she placed a cloth napkin on her lap. "He didn't seem upset... just thoughtful. He's likely trying to sort some things out."

Buffy nodded as a plate was placed in front of her.

"He'll be alright," Kit added. "Besides, if he's not out of that room by tomorrow afternoon, I don't think anyone would begrudge your staging an invasion of his quarters."

Buffy chuckled at that. "I'll keep that in mind."

Lilith grinned before changing the subject entirely.

#

But Buffy didn't have to wait until tomorrow to see William.

It was dark by the time she returned to her room. Ian—or Isabella—had made sure the oil lamps were burning. He'd also set out night clothes for her. She'd opted to write a few entries in her diary, or rather the stacks of papers she was calling a diary. And she was nearly done with that day's when there came a knocking at her door; not the hallway entrance, but rather the door that separated her room from the dressing room and then in turn from William's.

"Yes...?" she called out. "Come in." She was glad to still be in her clothes from that day when William entered—quiet and with a deeply penetrating cool blue gaze locked on hers. "Will...?" she asked, twisting further in her chair and away from the small writing desk set against the wall.

"Why did you wear mourning clothes?"

"I'm sorry?" She blinked.

"When my mother died," he explained quietly. "You didn't have to. But you did anyway. You could have continued on in society. But you stayed with me."

Her brow knit. "I mean... isn't it obvious? I told you I loved you. Why wouldn't I mourn with you?"

"I suppose I sound crazy." She watched as he ran one hand through his loose curls.

"Well... maybe a little. What's wrong?" She stood up and stepped towards him, watching as the dim lighting from the lamps licked his features in both shadows and color.

He smiled briefly, sighed, and then looked at some inconsequential place on the far wall. His hands moved to his hips, drawing up the dark suit jacket he wore. He looked a little rumpled; one curl of his hair was rebelliously falling along his brow. But somehow he'd never looked more... She didn't know.

"Ever since this started with you and I, I've been asking for some kind of sign that it was the right thing to do. That... it would be ok. At first my obstacles were my responsibility to my family—making sure they were well taken care of. That they would be provided for. But that's been taken care of. Through the grace of God your uncle gave my family exactly what we needed without the consequence of sacrificing our dignity. And... I can't thank him enough."

Buffy was sure God didn't have anything to do with it, but she didn't argue.

"I was afraid to give my heart to another—again—especially when that someone was not... not what I expected," he went on. "You haven't pushed me at all. You've just... been here." He was looking at her then. "Because you loved me."

Slowly, she nodded.

"I wanted something... something to tell me that..." he trailed off.

"William...?" She stepped forward and placed a hand on his upper arm.

He was smiling again, tentative in his movements... but happy. His eyes shut. "All this time I was looking for a painted sign... but I just wasn't paying attention. It's... it's all the little things. The small ones. You spending time with me, teaching Reggie how to fence, being there with my mother died... and wearing mourning attire when you're not even required to. I..." He swallowed and pulled her into an embrace, pressing his forehead to hers He exhaled once, the sound shaky.

"I love you."

It was then that he kissed her.