A/N: Don't own (although I'd love to have my very own Norman Reedus :D) don't sue!
Lyrics are from 'Rain' by Patty Griffin
It's a little bit heavy but so was the episode I guess.
Rain
Chapter Nine
It's hard to listen to a hard, hard heart
Beatin' close to mine
Poundin' up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep, deep, deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep, weep, weep
With all this rain fallin' down
Strange, how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain
It's hard to know when to give up the fight
Some things you want will just never be right
It's never rained like it has tonight before
Now, I don't wanna beg you, baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not lookin' for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live
Strange, how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holdin' on underneath this shroud
Rain
Cassidy had never unpacked her duffel bag and she hurriedly shoved all of Lochie's things into her bag as Lochie rested her leg, sitting on the grass outside the tent peering avidly in the direction of the barn.
"Are we leaving?"
She sounded young and vulnerable as Cassidy re-emerged from the tent.
"I don't know." She said tersely. "I don't know what they're going to do. That insane farmer will probably kick them off his land now."
Lochie sniffled, swiping the back of her hand across her face. Cassidy dropped down besides her, her gun tucked securely into the back of her jeans.
"You said 'them'." She pointed out, plucking the grass besides her absently. "You still think of it as 'us' and 'them'."
"Don't you?" Cassidy challenged, looking back towards the barn at the sound of muffled cries.
"I thought, with you and Daryl…" Lochie trailed off, aware that she'd wandered into dangerous waters.
Cassidy didn't reply. Carol had emerged, looking rather like a walker herself, hollow-eyed and slightly dazed. She walked across the camp and into the RV. After a few moments Daryl appeared. His gaze strayed inexorably to the two of them sitting in tense silence. Something passed between them and Cassidy felt her heart sink heavily. No, she wouldn't leave. She dropped her eyes first. She heard the faint creak as Daryl entered the RV. The silence was deafening in the small clearing. No sound from the RV, muted arguing from the barn drifting over the camp like a breeze.
"Should I-"
"No." Cassidy shook her head. "There's nothing anyone could say to make her feel better. That kind of grief-" She cut herself off as if she'd said too much. "Silence won't hurt as much as sympathy and pity."
She didn't add that Daryl was the only one of them who would respect that, because the notion twisted in her guts like a knife. How had she come to know him so well in so little time? Grief was heavy on all of them as they returned briefly and then scattered again, the air was thick with it. Lochie blamed her tears on the pain in her leg but Cassidy knew better. Lochie was a kind-hearted person, she had taken Sophia to her heart during the hours she'd spent with Carol and it had truly stunned her to see it end that way. Cassidy gave her a painkiller and helped her into the tent to sleep. Or cry.
She paced for a while. Whatever it was the rest of them were doing, they hadn't asked her to help them. She felt edgy being alone with nothing to do, nothing to occupy her thoughts. Her thoughts which strayed to the RV. It loomed like a crouching beast in her peripheral vision, squatting on her mind. She had always been able to compartmentalise, push unwanted thoughts to the back of her mind to concentrate on the task at hand but the RV, or rather its occupants, insisted on stubbornly thrusting its way to the front of her thoughts. She wanted him here now, to smirk at her in that sexy way and grunt something inappropriate that would make her laugh. Her chest clenched guiltily at the thought and she took a deep breath.
What had he done to her? She felt like she was tumbling down a very deep hole, Alice in Wonderland deep, and no amount of digging in her heels or scrabbling for grip was slowing her down. For the first time in a long time she felt vulnerable.
Cassidy didn't go to the burial. She helped Lochie over there but she kept her distance. Daryl stood apart from the others and, unable to help herself, she watched him rather than the graves. He held himself apart from his companions, body tense and unwelcoming and his frown rigid. His frosty countenance and the quite obvious waves of hostility emanating from him kept the others from venturing too close but she could see that his anger was a mask. He was angry at what had happened, angry that he had almost died for nothing, angry that he had put a part of himself on display when he'd searched for the girl and now it had all come to nothing, but the pinched lines around his mouth and the tightness of his eyes betrayed his sadness. His stance was uninviting but he had flicked his piercing gaze briefly towards her. She hesitated. The moment was shattered when Lochie's hand touched her shoulder. Tears stained her cheeks. She put her arms around Cassidy in an unexpected hug. Unused to affection, Cassidy went rigid.
"Did I hurt you?" Lochie asked, frowning at the blood seeping through her green shirt.
Dragging Lochie around had agitated her wound and it was bleeding fiercely now. Cassidy lifted the shirt, it was one of Daryl's and she felt a brief flicker of amusement at what he would say when he saw the mess she'd made of it. The wound had re-opened and she had strained it helping Lochie, made it much worse than it had originally been. Cassidy opened her mouth to wave off Lochie's flapping apologies but an argument interrupted. Dale and Shane were arguing nearby, their voices carrying conspicuously as T-Dog and Andrea collected the shovels they'd used to dig the graves.
"And what you think there really is a cure? That keeping walkers tied up in your barn is sensible?" Shane sneered, giving Dale a look of pure contempt.
"I don't know, but there must be someone somewhere working on it." Dale said calmly.
"So we just sit and wait for the magic fairy dust to make everything better?"
"Don't patronize me, the government must be doing something."
"You were there at the CDC, did it look like they were doing a good job? You think Hershel had the right idea, I suppose."
"Of course not. That was sick, but you didn't have to go in there shooting-"
"Make your mind up!"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
They turned and gaped at Cassidy. Blood was smeared all over her from their tramp through the woods earlier and the wound to her ribs was a mess but her eyes were snapping fiercely and she was white with rage.
"Are you serious?" She hissed, her teeth clenched with pain. "You're having a philosophical debate now? Fucking idiots."
She let out a painful wheeze and Lochie took a hurried shuffling step towards her. She shrugged her off irritably.
"Take a look at that thing." She pointed at one of the once-again-dead walkers waiting to be burnt. "Doesn't look too healthy does it? It's missing a chunk of its chest that's why. Even if there is a cure, which I highly doubt, does it look like that guy is going to be back on his feet anytime soon?" She broke off when she succumbed to a coughing fit, blood smattering her hand as she heaved. "Whatever it is that makes walkers, it works on dead people. If you're bitten it kills you first. A cure might stop you from being infected, it won't bring the dead back to life."
She staggered slightly, the blood loss and her rage making her dizzy. She actually couldn't believe these people. Daryl had been leaning against a tree, puffing steadily on a cigarette and listening to the exchange without comment. Under the cover of the shade the tree provided he had watched Cassidy. Her wound was nasty and she was losing a lot of blood, but she wouldn't let any of them tend to her. He was disturbed by how much his gut hurt from watching her pain, he wanted to help her but something held him back. She shrugged Rick and Shane's concerned hands away from her and stamped off, her footsteps halting and unsteady but firm. Lochie eyed her worriedly but had sense enough not to follow. Carl's eyes were huge as he watched her depart. Daryl could feel himself weakening. He'd let her in, or she'd wiggled in, whoever was responsible didn't matter. The fact remained, he cared for her, worried about her, he felt sick to his stomach that she was hurting and hadn't come to him. He tossed his cigarette butt and crushed it beneath his boot heel. If he had been injured, would he have gone to her? Had he gone to her to seek comfort after Sophia?
The group had dispersed. Lochie was hovering looking lost and alone and very close to tears. The strong front she put forward had crumbled, the argument of mere moments ago forgotten. She looked like a puppy whose owner had kicked it for no reason. She stared disconsolately at the gap in the trees where Cassidy had disappeared, then around at the others. She saw Daryl and looked at him warily.
Eventually Daryl grabbed her by the elbow and helped her hobble back to the camp in silence. He felt the furtive looks she sent shooting his way but she held her tongue and he was grateful. She seated herself outside their tent, eyes fixed intently on the leafy distance as if she could will Cassidy to appear just by staring hard enough. A worried frown had creased her features and drawn down her brown over her eyes. Her bright grey eyes kept flickering down to Cassidy's blood still smeared on her hands and t-shirt.
He could have reassured her, reminded her that the redhead was perfectly capable of taking care of herself despite an injury and a blazing temper, but the words stuck in his throat. He could still see Sophia's distorted grey features emblazoned across his mind. He could feel the familiar anger bubbling beneath the surface. It was so easy to retreat behind the white hot rage searing his guts, to push everything else deep down and concentrate on his anger. It occurred to him that Cassidy was probably doing the same thing. Something crystallised in his chest and pricked through the anger. He could feel the need like an itch, like a junkie in need of a fix. He needed to talk to her, no he just needed to see her. Just laying eyes on her would ease the weight in his chest, still part of the tempest whirling in his head. He'd think about why later.
She hadn't gone far. She'd done well disguising her tracks; there was no blood around to attract walkers and she'd barely left any marks on the ground at all, she walked silently, nimble as a dancer and light on her feet. She had left some trail, though. Either she wanted him to follow her, or her injury was worse than he'd thought. He found her by the quarry where he'd fallen, sitting on a fallen log and cursing fluently at the blood still seeping from her wound. She could make a sailor blush with some of the things coming out of her mouth.
"If you're going to eat me, you better get on with it." She said flatly.
"We don't have time." He grunted, deliberately misinterpreting her comment.
She gave a slightly grimacing smile, her fingers clamped tightly over the wound. As he had hoped, the anger surging through him eased slightly, redirected at the daft girl disappearing into the woods to bleed to death. He clomped over to her and straddled the tree facing her wounded side. She hissed angrily at him as he shoved her hand out of the way. He skewered her with a glare. He peeled his shirt from her body. The wound was a little bit worse but not really dangerous, as long as they stopped the bleeding.
"I'm sorry." She said gruffly, not looking at him but staring straight ahead over the quarry. "About the girl. I know finding her meant a lot to you."
He didn't reply, working on washing her wound with the water he'd brought.
"I don't know why."
He hesitated for just a millisecond.
"I shoulda just left her out here to die? Not bothered lookin'?" He asked in a dangerously quiet voice.
"That wasn't what I said." She countered calmly, wincing as he probed the wound to test how deep it was.
She still wasn't looking at him, she seemed to find it easier to be intimate that way.
"I think you set yourself a goal. Being helpless isn't in your nature. Looking for the girl was something you could do, didn't matter that it was an impossible mission."
Daryl felt his anger resurfacing, boiling beneath his ribcage. She looked at him calmly, the vivid green of her eyes cutting a swathe through his fury. She seemed to expect him to explode, in fact she'd actually tensed in expectation of him striking her. But she wasn't trying to avoid whatever he was going to do. He could read her eyes, she thought that striking her would help him and she was willing to take it to do so. He had never hit a woman before and he didn't plan to now.
"She represented something to all of you." She said, relaxing a fraction. "If you could find her, anything was possible and it might not be as completely hopeless out there as you thought."
He didn't hold with psychology or psychiatry or whatever it was that involved fiddling with your brain, and he knew that she didn't either. She was making sense though, easing the storm in his breast with her calm sensible words. How did she do that? How did she know the right way to get to him? He tied his ruined shirt tightly around her ribs to stem the blood flow.
"I am sorry." She said again.
She leaned sideways slightly, resting her head against his collarbone. Her solid heat spread warmth throughout his entire body, calming his roiling emotions. When had she become this? A beacon in the chaos. The contact was brief and she pulled away.
"I suppose we should go back." She sighed, pressing her fingertips to the wound delicately.
He got to his feet, extending his hand to help her but she'd already gotten up. She eyed the hand with something like amusement. She moved to walk past him but she staggered, the blood loss swooping through her head and making her dizzy. He caught her by the elbows, straightening her up and eyeing her critically. She took another step, wobbling only slightly and his hands went to her upper arms to steady her.
"What're you going to do, redneck? Carry me?"
She was almost taunting him and he scowled, momentarily forgetting why he felt so heavy and tense. By sheer stubborn will power she drew herself up. He let her walk unaided but he stayed close enough to catch her if she stumbled again. The heavy guilt descended again when they left the trees. She didn't say anything but she did put a hand on each of his shoulders, tipping up onto her tiptoes. He expected her to kiss him, that was what they usually did, instead she laid her cheek against his. It was a silent gesture of comfort, the kind a mother would give to her child. It bolstered him somewhat when he returned to the RV to find Carol gone.
Cassidy wandered back over to her tent. Lochie's eyes lit up with relief at the sight of her safe and sound, then she dropped them and jutted out her lip sulkily. Cassidy sighed. She sat down besides her.
"I'm sorry, kid." She said gently.
She extended an arm awkwardly, wrapping it around her shoulders. Lochie was so surprised she forgot to be annoyed with her.
LadyLecter47 – I finally got my fix last night, he wasn't in it nearly enough though and now I have a whole week to wait until the next one. I think I'm going to tread very carefully, I don't like fics that just re-write episodes with their own character in it so I'm going to stay in the background for a while I think
VileMalapert – I don't think an afternoon would be nearly long enough lol
undeadangel – thanks I hope you like this one too
Dalonega Noquisi – thank you very much :D