Chapter 19: Healing

It was time.

My therapists both said I was ready.

I knew I was ready.

It was going to happen.

Today was THE DAY.

My target was locked on my sight, I was loaded and ready to fire.

There he was lying on the couch, leg sticking out on one end, arm tucked in under his head. I snuck around him, climbed onto the edge of the couch and pounced. He laughed and grabbed me, "Are you crazy? What if you get hurt?"

"Quit being a party pooper! I can pounce on you if I want to!"

"You're so wacked," he laughed and kissed me. I settled into his chest, "Ok. Enough playing. Are you ready for me, Arthur?"

"Ready for you?"

"It's been medically approved," I smirked, "I'm going in."

"What are you talking about?"

"That's not important! Answer the question, are you ready for me?"

"Uh I guess, you goof?"

"Brilliant," I sat up and made him readjust on the couch and I adjusted myself for best comfort. We cuddled in and I smiled. I closed my eyes and enveloped him in my empathy. Something I hadn't fully done since coming back. The doctors had been afraid that if I'd done it sooner, my volatile emotions might end up accidentally hurting him, but it wasn't the case anymore. I wasn't 100% but they had no doubt that it was perfectly safe for me to reconnect with him like this.

I built a shield around us and began lowering all of mine to him again, I felt his arms tighten around me and heard him take a sharp breath and sigh leaving his lips. I understood, I felt the same way. The more I opened myself up to him, the more complete I felt and as the last of my shields came down, there it was. That peace and safety and overwhelming love. I felt him expanding within me, entwining with me. It was like that very first time. Except better. Way better. I wasn't afraid this time, it wasn't unintentional. I was ready for it and I was ready to explore it. I found our bond instantly and allowed myself to flow in it as Arthur just wrapped me in all that was him and I wrapped myself around him. Then I pulled us under to Arthur's kingdom. I found myself at home as I walked next to him this time, I felt Kilgharra happily flying above us and I could hear Espen growling proudly in the distance.

I smiled at Arthur and he smiled at me, "I've missed having you here."

"I've missed being here." I looked around and focused, I'd been taken lessons from my guide therapist in how to properly be a guide and began fixing the imperfections I found in Arthur's kingdom, allowing the flow of information to come in as it should. Fixing broken carts and misshaped animals. Cracked walls. He needed the maintenance and I needed to get to know this part of him better. This should be my second home and it felt like it. I could see him brighten up and felt our bond strengthened as I worked. I walked into the castle, exploring the rooms, until I reached one that was wholly distorted and frowned, "What's happened here?"

I began slowly, working myself around the room. The windows had been boarded haphazardly, I removed the boards and fixed the shattered glass, the distorted and warped walls began to take a new shape as I worked carefully to restore them, the table that had been taken apart began to come together as well as all of the other furniture that I fixed. Finally, I concentrated on the figures in the room, the words that formed themselves into what almost looked human. It felt like a long time before I was done, and I could sense a clear difference in Arthur. He was calmer, less tense, some of his worries were soothed. For today, I knew it was enough, there was still more to do, but I had to be careful not to push myself too much and to take my time. As Arthur's world grew, there would always be more things to straighten up and we had a lifetime together for me to get this to be a smooth operating kingdom of peace and prosperity. Arthur would always need me and want me here.

I took Arthur's hand and we wondered into the thrown room. He sat on the chair and I knelt in front of him. I said no words, but I knew he understood my gesture, he stood up and lifted me to his side.

"Together we stand."

"Together we stand," I repeated and with a smile and a kiss. We left the castle, slowly coming to reality on the couch.

His eyes were wide and adoring as he said, "You amaze me."

"I love you so much," I mumbled as I shifted to kiss him.

He groaned as our lips connected. I felt like I was on fire and intoxicated in all that was Arthur. Our bond was stronger, we were stronger. Another piece of myself came back into place.

Unfortunately, we were interrupted by several rude (RUDE!) people clearing their throats.

Arthur growled at them, "GO AWAY!"

I snickered as I turned to look at my friends, "Your timing is the absolute worse right now, guys."

"We were invited here, Merlin, and you're being a very impolite host," Mordred smirked.

"I didn't invite you," I turned to Arthur, "Did you invite them?"

"No, I did."

"Mom!" I scrambled off of Arthur and we both stood, "When did you guys come in?"

"It was while you were in the middle of guiding Arthur," Gwen explained.

"Oh," was all I could think to say, "What's going on?"

"Well I wanted to see all the knights together again," my mother explained, "You lot have been friends for so long, it's only right we have dinner together and Gaius said he'd love to have it in his house."

I twitched and blurted, "Not all the knights," then I covered my mouth, because it was so not the right thing to say and I knew that. My brain was just really dumb sometimes.

Everyone got a solemn look on their faces and Morgana came over to hug me, "Merlin, it's ok."

I mumbled something about being an idiot and then proceeded to break down, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I whispered into her shoulder as I cried and what the fuck was wrong with me, I needed to shut up, but I couldn't, "I killed her. I'm sorry." Then before I knew it I was surrounded by everyone and we all cried over Nimueh, over the traitor knight. Over what we chose to remember of her and for the first time I felt a weight lifted. Not entirely, Nimueh's death by my hands forever changed me, but I felt myself healing and letting some of that pain leave my body. I felt everyone's love and more pieces of myself felt like they were flying into place.

The scars would always be there, I would forever be paranoid, but I would never be alone again. I knew who my people were and they would always have my back. She may have broken me, but I was on my way to repair. I wouldn't fall into the darkness, I would come out and I would be stronger for it. It just took some time for me to realize that again.

These people, right here, my family, loved me and needed me and accepted me. I would stand tall for them and for myself. Because I was Merlin, damn it!

I was the alpha guide-wizard!

And nothing, not a fucking thing would keep me down. I fucking started explosions, tripped up more sentinels than I could count and got straight A's without fail.

I was triple threat!

Watch out world, Merlin's in town and he's got his army with him.

Nothing could take us down.

We all broke apart and ate a huge meal with red eyes and jokes flying back and forth.

It was awesome to have them all with me and right as the night was ending and everyone was going home, Mordred grabbed me and whispered, "I got her dad's blessing! It's happening Merlin! Field tomorrow, 6 o'clock. Don't be fucking late or I'll kill you," he punched me in the arm, grinned and left.

Oh shit.

My best friend/little brother was proposing to my other best friend/sister/sister-in-law.

I just beamed at Arthur and threw my arms around his neck, "Best dinner ever."

He grinned, "Let's go to bed, fruitcake."

Everyone except for Morgana and Gwen was at the field way early.

I helped Mordred set up candles a la magic and mood music. He was shaking, so I sent him a wave of calm and he gave me shaky smile.

"What if she says no?"

"Stop being an idiot."

"She could say no."

"Mordred, do not force me to give you a nipple twister the day your proposing to Morgana, because I will do it. If that's what it takes for you to get your head on straight, I will do it."

I looked at the field and it was kind of perfect in a little while the stars would come out and with the candles. It was the perfect setting for a proposal and all of us were here to witness it. We'd be sharing this moment for years, because that's what friends did. We shared the good and the bad.

We ride together, we die together.

I heard that in an American movie. I felt like it applied to us. If this was back in the days of Camelot. Real Camelot, I was sure all of us would be on horses riding to war together and supporting each other, just like now.

Lance popped up beside me and Mordred, "Fair warning, if she turns you down, I may not be able to stop myself from crackin' up."

"Only you would laugh at someone else's expense," Elyan huffed.

"That's not true," I defended, "I'd do the same thing."

Lance threw his arm on my shoulder and grinned, "Thank you, Merlin."

"Could you imagine the look on Mordred's face if she turned him down?" Gwaine chimed in.

"It would be destruction," Arthur nodded, next to him, "Complete utter destruction. Do you think he'd cry?"

"Yes," Lance smirked, "It would be glorious tears."

Elyan gave Mordred a side hug, "Don't listen to them, they are arseholes and just jealous cause they're not man enough to propose to who they love."

"Baby, I promise I'll propose, just as soon as we graduate college," Gwaine placated, "I have it all planned out, you'll see."

Elyan snuffed him and Lance frowned, "Hey! I plan on proposing, too. Gwen deserves a beautiful wedding, I'd never take that away from her. I can only imagine how she'd look in a wedding dress."

I looked at Arthur as I contemplated this, "If we ever get married, can we avoid all this nonsense and just get hitched?"

Arthur narrowed his eyes at me, "You are the most unromantic person on the planet, do you know that?"

"It just seems like a lot of unnecessary hassle," I argued.

"Having a proper proposal is unnecessary hassle to you?" Arthur responded looking aghast.

I shrugged, "Well…"

"Obviously, you'll be the one proposing," Mordred gave Arthur a solemn look, "Seeing as Merlin is going to be absolutely useless throughout the whole ordeal. You are the absolute worst, Merlin."

"Yeah, man, what's wrong with you?" Lance joined in.

Elyan shook his head at me, "How do you put up with him, Arthur?"

"It's because he's from an alien planet," Gwaine attempted to explain, "He does not understand our customs."

"Seriously? You're all ganging up on me now?" I huffed, "Proposal or marriage or not. It'll never change how I feel about Arthur, so excuse me if I'm not that avidly invested in it."

"Did you hear him?" Lance tutted, "Truly the most unromantic man on the planet. Arthur, I pity thee for being bound to such silly person."

"I know," Arthur whined, "I suffer every day with this. I try so hard." Arthur wiped imaginary tears from his face as he faked cried on Lance's shoulder.

"You all suck," I sneered, "And if I'm that terrible, then why did you pick me?!" I pouted and stalked away from them and plumped under a nearby tree. Ignoring the lot, but they followed me, with increasingly unhelpful comments such as, "Oooh he's mad."

"Such a temper on this one."

"Poor you, Arthur, what ever shall you do?"

"No worries gentlemen, I have a fail safe in this kind of situation," Arthur touted.

"What would that be?" Lance inquired.

Arthur knelt in front of me and proudly stated, "Groveling."

"Genius!" Gwaine applauded.

"Excellent thinking. Teach us, oh master of alien taming," Mordred egged him on.

"I hate all of you," I growled.

Arthur placed his head on my shoulder, "Don't be angry, Mer-bear," when I ignored him he kissed my neck and began lightly running his tongue on it, "I love you and your unromantic habits." I grumbled at him, "Please, Mer-bear, please forgive me."

"Hmph," I responded as my face began to flush under his administrations, "You're such a cheater."

He pulled my arms around him, "I know," he whispered, "Forgive me?"

"Yes," I scowled.

"And so the master succeeds!" Lance announced, and all the guys clapped.

"I don't know why I'm friends with any of you," I cried.

"Guys!" Lance yelled looking at his phone, "Places people! They're here!"

Mordred and I looked at each other, perfect timing, the sun was starting to set, and we were ready. I clasped his shoulder, "You can do this."

Mordred fixed his white suit and stood in the middle of the candles we had set out to be shaped as a heart and waited, while we all stood on the outskirts, ready to jump for joy at a moment's notice.

Morgana came to the field in a light purple flowy dress that made her look like a fairy. Her eyes were covered, and Gwen was slowly guiding her to the spot, removing the scarf covering her eyes as soon as she was in position and quietly coming over to us. Morgana blinked in confusion for a moment before what was happening hit her and you can see her face light up as she walked towards Mordred.

"Mordred, what is this?" she marveled.

"Morgana," he said taking her hand, "I hope that by now you're well aware of my feelings for you and that you understand what I'm trying to express with all of this," he then bent to one knee and pulled the box from his pocket, "I-I love you and I love everything about you. I love the way you smile and how sweet you are. I love your v-voice and how you're never afraid to tell me to my face how you feel. I love how cute you look when you get mad and how you hate all cereal. How you curl into a ball when you sleep and how smart you are. I want to spend the rest of my life by your side and I hope you want to spend yours by mine," he slowly opened the box, "Morgana Compton, w-will you marry me?"

I saw tears in Morgana's eyes as she jumped into his arms, "Yes, Mordred, yes!" We watched him put on the ring that he'd spent all his savings on. It wasn't a big diamond or anything flashy, but all of his love went into it.

I gave Gwaine the signal and he set off the fireworks we had prepared, I gave Lance a glance and he gave me the thumbs up. He was recording the whole thing for them and it seemed everything went fine with the filming so far.

Gwen was bouncing up and down on her feet. Arthur and I were holding hands and he leaned over and kissed my cheek, "I love you."

"Love you, too," I whispered back, my eyes on Mordred and Morgana.

My favorite M&M's.

They should get that tattooed.

I'd pay for it, it'd be the worst and best proposal present.

Morgana turned to us, "What are you all doing over there?! Come over here! We're celebrating!"

We all ran towards them and hugged them. I gave her a tight hug, "I'm so happy for you!"

"Me too!" she shrieked.

We took out the sparkling grape wine we bought and toasted to them.

I whispered in Mordred's ear, "Told you so."

I felt my heart bursting with joy for my friends and I couldn't hold it back. I felt it bubbling out of me and I knew they felt it soon as their heads started turning towards me. I grinned, "Sharing the love!"

We all laughed and spent the next several hours in the field, eating snacks and dancing. Recording funny comments on the camera. I couldn't stand for too long, so Arthur picked me up and carried me around so I could keep up with my friends. I felt a little ridiculous, but I was so happy for my friends, it didn't even phase me.

That night I fell asleep curled up against Arthur. I felt so much love and joy, I was just bleeding it for hours and I could feel Arthur returning it to me through our bond.

I felt another part of me come together.

I was blessed.