I was finally back in school, after several weeks of recovery. Arthur by my side, knights having my back, you could tell everything was different.
People I didn't know were practically bowing to me.
I absolutely hated it, but my friends made an awesome effort of shielding me from it. I was still sore, but not nearly as bad and I felt thirty times better than when I first came home.
I felt kind of like me again.
I was still working through a lot of things, but that was ok. I was beginning to accept what happened and slowly push forward from it.
I had an amazing family.
About a week ago, Arthur had told Morgana the truth. The whole truth. She cried and spent the night at my house. Arthur was banished from my room that night. The next day I spent the night with her and Gwen at her house. We talked a lot of things through and Morgana was ready to get to know Arthur better, although, she was clearly skeptical, the fact that he was my sentinel helped her find some peace with it. She wanted to meet Uther, though, not yet, because she wasn't ready, but definitely eventually. He was her biological father, but she told me she didn't think she could think of him as her dad. Her adoptive parents were her real parents and there was no way she could change that. I told her there was no reason to. It had apparently been the right thing to say because she gave me her famous crooked smile and kissed my cheek.
They spent a little time together before school started. Arthur had yet to approach his own father, but he couldn't avoid it forever. We both knew that he'd have to suck it up and talk to him some time soon.
Arthur crowded me in school. Kept everyone at bay with his 'I'm he-man hear me roar' routine. It was sexy and it was annoying at the same time. Arthur always knew how to create conflicting feelings in me, though, it was turning into a general fact of my life.
Thankfully, with help, I was able to catch up and keep my straight A's. I still needed help focusing, but my therapists promised me that was normal. I also started training to be a proper guide, because of that, I didn't have to go to the guide or wizard classes in school, since I was getting tutoring for it outside of school. I'd have to still take the graduating tests, but it made sense for me to stick with the tutoring seeing as the kids in school were probably all in a higher level than me. Luckily, I was a natural and my previous self-learning had helped me be bit higher on the scale than my tutors were expecting.
Gaius and another tutor were helping me learn magic. Arthur insisted on having a tutor that could help me learn everything necessary to pass the test. Admittedly, Gaius had been in no way concerned about the exams and said they proved nothing. He wanted to teach me "real" magic, because of such I ended up agreeing with Arthur. "Real" magic was great, but I couldn't exactly clown around with studies, I'd work way too hard for way too many years to fail my wizarding studies because my teacher didn't prepare me for the exams because he didn't like them. Gaius was a scholar, but he was also an idealist. I didn't have the freedom to base all of my training on ideals, I needed realistic training, too. At least realistic enough to get high scores, I had a future to think about here.
School itself felt entirely different in ways I wasn't expecting. Sure, people were treating me differently, but it was more than that. I felt like I stepped into a twilight zone and I was having trouble finding how I fit into the story line. I did everything like I used to. I participated in class, I took notes, I spoke with the teachers like I used to, but it felt like I was play acting.
I felt like myself, but I wasn't the person I used to be. It was hard wrapping my head around how much I had changed in such a short time.
I hoped that I could start properly focusing on my studies, if things went the way I wanted to, I'd have to dedicate a lot of years to studying and there was a good part of me that feared I wouldn't be able to get my act together.
My panic attacks were slowly lessening and so were my nightmares.
I felt better, my body was better, I've been gaining the weight back.
I was ready to bond. I'd been ready, but I was terrified Arthur would refuse me again. I knew he had done so for a good reason, but there was that lingering insecurity that maybe he'd changed his mind. It was a semi-ridiculous thought, but with how quickly my life had gone into turmoil, I felt like it was a possibility.
I didn't know how to broach the subject again.
I had asked Gwen what to do and all she did was blush at me and turn away. When I asked Gwaine all he said was to "man up and take charge."
I threw an apple at his head.
Fucker caught it.
When I asked Morgana she told me to sex myself up and seduce him. I pinched her cheek and told her she was useless. She grinned like a Cheshire cat.
Elyan told me to rent a hotel room and leave the key in Arthur's underwear drawer. I didn't tell him that Arthur only wears them when he's sleeping and otherwise doesn't see the point of them, it's not like I was going to actually get the room.
Lance told me to wrap myself in a bow and wait for him naked on the bed. I punched him. Where would I get a bow big enough for that anyway?
My friends were useless ducks.
I was tempted to sit down and ask my mom, but I really didn't want to go down that road with her.
So tonight being Friday night, I had a terrible and genius plan to get Arthur to get a clue already and get on the same page. The problem was getting the courage to do it and hopefully not getting interrupted.
Gaius had taken off on a short trip to see a friend. The house would be empty.
This had to work.
Soon as we got home my nervousness went from 0 to 60 in a heartbeat. I started sweating, my face was flushed and Arthur asked me several times if I was feeling ill.
Not a very sexy start, but ok.
We ate and tried making small talk but my mouth felt dry and I was pretty sure he didn't understand half of what was coming out of my mouth, especially since I didn't understand half of what I was saying. It was just words put together that hardly made a sentence and didn't even have anything to do with one another. I barely ate supper. I turned the telly on and sat like a tense rock, before abruptly getting up.
"Merlin?" Arthur asked.
"Sh-shower," I mumbled.
"You sure you're ok?"
"I'm fine," I stumbled into the bathroom and undressed. Looking myself in the mirror. The scars were ugly. My body was wiry. My face. Ugh. I was fine with myself before, but now? I was less than confident. What if this was the real reason Arthur didn't want to form a physical bond? I shook my head and jumped in the shower. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe Arthur wasn't attracted to me anymore.
I was so distracted I didn't hear the door opening. I didn't notice a thing until the shower door was pulled open and Arthur's head poked in, "You're absolutely sure, you're ok?"
I jumped and yelped, and Arthur reached out a hand a to straighten me. "Arthur! What are you doing in here?"
"I was worried," he said innocently, "You seemed distressed."
My eyes followed Arthur's arm to his naked chest, "So you took your shirt off?"
Arthur smiled and stepped into the shower, "Well I thought you might need help since you weren't feeling well, so I came prepared."
"You're naked."
"How else was I supposed to prepare?"
I blushed, "You're naked."
He grinned, "As are you. Do you need help showering or no?"
"I want to say yes, but you're currently ruining my plan to seduce you."
He arched his brow, "You have a plan to seduce that went beyond leaving the bathroom door unlocked?"
I slapped his arm, "Yes."
He slid his arms around my waist and pulled me to him, "Tell me about this plan Merlin."
"Well you mentioned the other day that you like it when I wear your clothes," I whispered as he started kissing my neck, "And you like romance," I gasped when he nibbled my ear, "So I was going to put one of your shirts on and light some candles in our room."
"We can still do that," he said licking a stripe down my neck, "But I have to ask, what gave you the sudden urge to want to seduce me?"
"I want to bond," I bit my lip, "Physically I mean."
He laid his head on my shoulder and sighed, "But you seemed half sick all day."
"I'm nervous."
"And your injuries?"
"You know I'm a lot better."
"Mentally?"
"Arthur do you not want to bond with me anymore?"
His head shot up and he looked into my eyes, "Are you crazy?"
"A little."
He clasped both his hands on my face and kissed me like his life depended on it. Slowly backing me up to the wall, "Merlin, I know you don't like it when I say stuff like this but I have been trying my best to be very patient about bonding with you because I know you are mine. Completely mine. Bond or no bond. I know it. You know it. Everybody who steps foot near us knows it and as much as I might want to have that kind of bond with you, I will not risk your health. I will not cause you more pain. I love you and I want to be with you. We don't have to rush to do anything. We can take our time."
I gave him a challenging look, "Well I don't know about you but I've had enough time and I'm ready. I still have stuff to work out, but I'm ready. So if you're ready, then I don't know why we're waiting."
"When we first met you wanted to take things slow, now you can't move fast enough?"
"Arthur, don't play with me."
"I'm not, Merlin. You were afraid to be attached to me, anyone, for life. So what changed?"
"I did," I answered, "I changed. I'm not afraid anymore. Of that, I mean, I'm afraid of a lot of new things, but not that."
"Afraid of what?" Arthur shut the shower off and pulled me out.
"Of being taken away, of not being able to reach you. Of losing everyone I love."
He started drying me off, "Are you saying you want to bond because you're afraid to lose me?"
"No," I answered, "I want to bond with you because I love you and I trust you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I don't see the point of waiting. I've already had a several death scares and I don't want to live my life being afraid of being with the person I love. I don't want to be placed in a position like that again and have such a huge regret weighing on me, ok? I want to bond. I want to live my life with you. No doubts. No running away. No matter what. You and me would be connected through and through."
"And you don't even want to wait till you graduate high school before taking that step?"
"I don't need to. Do you?"
"And you're sure about this, Merlin? You're 100% sure? Because there isn't going back from this. It's permanent. There's no getting a divorce. There's no leaving me, ever. This would be it."
"I know all that already. Why don't you want to bond with me?"
"I do! I want to! More than anything else I've wanted to in my life!" He threw his hands in the air and took several steps away, throwing himself onto the couch.
"Then why can't we?" I kneeled in front of him.
"Because I can't touch you! Every time we fool around, you wince! Or cry out in pain! I can't hurt you, Merlin," he placed his hand on my cheek, "I can not hurt you."
"You won't."
"You're not recovered enough."
"Yes I am."
"Don't lie to me."
"I'll feel a million times better if you kiss all of my booboo's. I guarantee it."
He chuckled, "Shut up."
I kissed his knee, "I'm serious. Wouldn't you feel better if I kissed yours?"
"I don't have any."
"Want me to give you some?"
"Are you threatening me?"
I bit his knee lightly, "Not exactly."
He leaned over and kissed my forehead, "Are you saying you bite?"
I shrugged, "Maybe I do. You're never going to find out if you're afraid to touch me."
He kissed me again, "If I hurt you…"
I placed my hand on the back of his neck and pulled him forward, "You're naked. I'm naked. And we ain't nothing but mammals."
"You've got to be kidding," Arthur mumbled as he leaned forward to place a soft kiss on my lips.
I pulled him further closer to me, "So let's do it.."
"Merlin," he sighed as he placed soft kisses over my face.
"Like they do…," I continued.
"Stop," he groaned.
"On the discovery channel," I finished as I began nuzzling his neck.
"You're ridiculous," he groaned.
I started nibbling on his neck, the way I know he likes, "Ridiculously in love, you mean."
"That too," he whispered.
"Now I'ma put you to bed, bed, bed," I started singing again.
He laughed and stood up, "Come on, you nut." He helped me up and started pulling me into our room as I continued with my song, "And if you like my body, turn me over. Love is war, you're my soldier."
He closed the door behind us and turned to me, giving me an intense look that shut me right up. My body felt on fire at the passion I could see in his eyes. My skin prickled, my heart rate shot up, I moved to take a step back, but his hand shot out and grabbed my arm, startling me and preventing me from moving. I pondered pulling away, but he yanked me to him covering my mouth in a hungry kiss that made my toes curl. I responded instantly, my body pliable against his. His mouth was warm against my own, the caresses of his lips sending shivers down my spine. He tasted me tentatively with his tongue, and I opened my mouth with a low moan.
I felt his other hand reach my chest, his hot palm splayed on my skin working its way to up to tease my nipple with his thumb, while the hand on my arm moved it's way up and towards my back. Soothing me as he sparked heat throughout me. I reached one hand to the nape of his neck playing with his hair and moved my other hand to scratch down his back. I bit at his lip as I pulled away to trace kisses down his chin and he moved his hands to my waist, I squealed as he suddenly picked up and he chuckled as he took several steps to place me on the bed.
He stopped on his way to join me, then looked around and bit his lip, "What is it?" I asked.
"Well…," he said, "I haven't bought any uh lube."
"Huh?" I gave him a confused look. I was laying half spread on the bed, horny as fuck and he was stopping because of what? "What are you talking about?"
"Lubricant, Merlin. How far do you think we're gonna get without any?"
"Oh right," I nodded. My mind making the connection. I rolled over to my bedside table and pulled out a black plastic bag, "I came prepared, too."
"What the," he reached over and snatched the bag from my hand pulling the bottle out, "When did you have the time to buy this? I've barely left you out of my sight!"
I looked away, "I wasn't the one who bought it."
"Who?"
"You don't want to know," I snorted and then began to laugh, "Seriously."
He rolled his eyes and watched me laugh for a moment before bending down to kiss my stomach and pinch my sides. "Ow!" I yelped, snickering as he pounced on me on the bed, "What are you doing?!"
He flipped me to my stomach, "Don't you worry about what I'm doing," he answered, running a hand through my hair. He started rubbing soothing circles down my back, "Arthur?" I questioned. "Relax," he whispered as he placed a kiss on the back of my head, starting to hum as he ran his tongue between my shoulder blades.
He started to sing quietly, "One thing I've left to do, Discover me, Discovering you."
I sighed at his ministrations, listening quietly as he continued, "One mile to every inch of your skin like porcelain, one pair of candy lips and your bubblegum tongue." I turned around and pulled him down for another kiss and he shifted, settling on top of me and between my legs. He started down my neck, then moving further down my chest to my hip licking and suckling everywhere he went. I bit my lip as I felt his tongue, "Arthur," I whimpered desperately. No other thought on my mind, then him and what he was doing. Arthur, Arthur, Arthur was the only coherent word my brain could come up with. I wanted to watch. To keep my eyes open as he went, but it was too much. His deep concentration. The buzz on our bond. Expanding and contracting, like a heartbeat. I was feeling him and he was feeling me. Not just physically, through our bond. It made everything so much more intense. When before I could barely feel him, right now he screamed. Want and need. Mine, mine, mine. I could hear it so clearly. It was an emotion that my mind translated for me, I realized, and the only way I could respond was: Yours, yours, yours. All of me is yours. And I could feel his content. Like an animal that had waited one too many days for a proper meal. It was a torrent.
Then I felt his lips close around my cock and I was overwhelmed. "Shh," I heard him whisper, "Hold on a bit," he called out. My mind and body were on overdrive and I needed to calm down. I didn't want this to end as quickly as it started, but I was in a different plane and wasn't sure how to pull myself back. Further and further I went to the edge of a cliff. Then I felt my legs bend and could feel him reposition me. I should open my eyes to watch, but it was just too much, even the brush of his skin on my own made me feel like I was floating higher and higher. Then I felt his finger circling my entrance, a wetness that my mind couldn't correlate anything to. "Relax, ok?"
"Arthur, Arthur, Arthur," I responded. He pressed into me and I cried out. His finger was inside me. He was inside me in such a small way and it felt so very, very, very right. Even the slight discomfort I felt was right. It was from him. He added a second one, and I felt myself stretch even more. I found myself begging. I needed more, I wanted more. He needed more, he wanted more. I felt his emotions tangling up in my own. Following the same tune. Making everything just more.
I felt a third finger press into me. "Shhh, shh, shh," Arthur implored, "I'm right here," he soothed, "Right here with you. Not going anywhere." He shifted again and I felt his lips on my ear, "Right here with you." I opened my eyes but everything was a blur. Then I felt his lips on my own. I kissed him urgently. Needing to taste him as I felt him at my entrance. His hands everywhere. I whimpered at his lips as he oh so carefully pushed himself inside of me. It hurt, it stung, it burned even. But it felt right. I needed it. To feel him everywhere. My safety, my sanity, my other half. As he made his way further and further inside of me. "Merlin, you're so perfect. So, so perfect," he said as he settled himself as deeply as he could.
He waited then, without movement. Waited for me. I opened my eyes gain and shifted my hips. A wordlessly plea as my eyes locked with his, but he hesitated and in the back of my head a light went off. I was supposed to lower my shields, wasn't I? Was that why he was hesitating? I can't have him hesitate. WIith a blink my shields were gone. Exposed. I could hide nothing from him. I didn't want to. Arthur gasped and his hips bucked. I gripped onto his shoulders, "Yes, yes, yes," I called to him and he took a ragged breath and slowly pulled his cock out and back in. His body shuddered but he kept his eyes on me as he went. "Merlin," he called to me. His voice shaky, raw, and barely kept together.
"Arthur, Arthur, Arthur," I begged, moving myself to meet him. Thrust for thrust. Heartbeat for heartbeat. Breath for breath. Connected. Entranced as I drowned in the waters that he had lead me to. The more he picked up speed the more connected I felt. I presented my neck and he quickly settled his nose and mouth over it. Nibbling and sucking. As I fell, fell, fell from the cliff right into him. I felt the deep bond form from within what was once just me, but is now Us. There was no mine or his, we were ours. I cried out his name as he relinquished all control of himself into me and I onto him. I felt a high that I didn't know existed. A connection that I never knew I needed or wanted. Arthur shook as he fell limp on top of me. Breathing me in. Tremors overtook us both. I held him to me as I gasped for air. We stayed that way for a while, until Arthur pulled his head away and kissed me. I wasn't sure when I had started to cry, but he didn't question it. I was happy. I was complete. And so overwhelmed. He moved himself to my side and placed my head onto his chest. Holding me to him. "I love you," he whispered, "You're awfully sexy when you come crying out my name."
I pinched him, "Shush you."
"Mmm no," he said kissing my forehead, "No, no, no. You can't make me." He wiped away my tears and grinned, "You lowered your shields."
"Shut up."
"And you bonded to me."
"Ugh!"
"Yoouuu looooooveee me," he snickered.
"You're the worst."
"Doesn't change the fact that you loooooveee me."
"Shush!"
"No denying it anymore."
"Arthur!"
"Love, love, love me."
I reached over and bit his shoulder, "Ow!" I smirked in triumph and he kissed me, "You can't get rid of me now. Can't run away."
"For some unknown reason, I don't want to," I answered.
"Hmm, you should probably put your shields back up, Merlin," and the he smirked, "Can't use them to block me out anymore either. I so win."
I pulled away and slapped his chest, "Was this all about winning to you?"
"Yes," he nodded seriously, "Winning the heart of my love and getting him to stay permanently."
I bowed my head, "Winning me is a prize? What did you have to go against?"
"It's more than a prize," he grinned, "It's a life style," he tilted his head, "And obviously I had to go against you."
"You went against me?"
"You and your crazy and you lost. Now you'll love me back forevers," he gave me a goofy smile.
I bubbled up with laughter at his ridiculous antics. I could feel his happiness and his love for me through our bond. I felt safe. Which is a rarity for me. I hadn't felt safe for as long as I can remember. Probably as soon as I presented. I'd been scared for so long I didn't know what to do with this newfound safety. I started to cry again and Arthur pulled me back into his chest.
"You're going to make me cry too."
"I can't help it."
He kissed my forehead and ran his hands up and down my back, "I know."
"I'm happy."
"I know."
"I love you."
"You better."
"You're a jerk."
"I know. Now, shh, just try to relax and get some rest. I'm not leaving your side."
"Ok," I said taking a deep breath and closing my eyes, "Ok." I pulled myself together to place my shields back up around myself. The bond, as Arthur had mentioned, couldn't be closed off. Our connection couldn't be severed. I could damp it down, but I didn't want to. I just wanted to feel that connection, strong, true, and undeniable. Neither Morgause or anybody else could get in between us.
I was safe.
Who knew that was all I ever wanted?
Fin