AN: Music for this chapter (on repeat): Never Grow Old by The Cranberries, Everything by Lifehouse, and Bleed to Love Her by Fleetwood Mac
THIRTEEN
o
"You are nothing but a Royal Russian Whore!" He screamed at her holding her down against the desk and morphed into Jack holding her down against their bed in Panama, 'Nothing but a whore!" Irina flew forward from the nightmare with pounding heart and tears instantly stinging her eyes.
This wasn't the first nightmare she'd had where Cuvee and Jack had merged in her mind since his tirade against her in LA, but they were still heartbreaking each and every time to know Jack hated her that much to use her in revenge. He'd said last night, though, that it was a lie…that he didn't use her for revenge as he said he had. But how could she believe him now? After everything… Was he only saying this now because he'd learned her truth about why she was sent to Kashmir and felt guilty? Did he really use her that night only to lie now and say he meant it? She had eventually cried herself to sleep during the night from the emotional turmoil and in asking herself these same questions. Questions she had no answers too, only more heartache in pondering them.
Irina new she wouldn't be going back to sleep and felt a slight wash of relief to see the hour on the clock and know the sun would be rising soon. Inhaling a deep breath and wiping her tears away, she headed towards the bathroom to shower and get ready for what was bound to be another long day. She couldn't afford to think about Jack right now and what this all meant with him saying he lied about Panama. It was too confusing for her mind and her heart and it hurt too much to think about any further. Sydney was here, though, and had told her she loved her, more than once. That was a dream come true, one she had previously given up on. She'd focus on the good for now and figure the rest out with Jack later.
Irina showered and got ready for the day and as she finished dressing her stomach growled signaling she was hungry. She needed to eat something before she left for her appointments as she likely wouldn't have a chance to eat again until dinner. Skipping breakfast too wouldn't be good for the baby. The baby…her mind short-circuited to her first appointment. Jack should be going with her. It may be his only chance to ever see their child on ultrasound before she was born. It may be his only chance to see her ever, her heart cried out and she immediately swallowed the thought and her tears. He deserved to see their child at least once, she told herself, she owed him at least that much, and so she would ask him.
Jack hadn't slept all night. He stared at the closed door for quite some time after Irina had closed it in his face and then took a seat in chair near the window pondering everything that had happened between them that led them to this. He couldn't stand to lose her again but he didn't know how to keep her, especially if she wanted him to let her go. His heart thundered with a new fear that maybe he'd pushed her too far that night she came to him in LA. Hurt her too much. Maybe she decided he wasn't worth the pain she endured over and over in her life by loving him. Maybe she really had let go when she sent Katya to say Goodbye to them.
He was snapped out of his pondering, staring out at the rising sun through the window overlooking the beautiful garden below, by a soft but distinct knocking on his door. It was the same knock he'd heard often during their 11 years of marriage when she'd rapt on his home office door before entering to tell him dinner was ready. His heart skipped a beat when he turned his head and saw her enter his room now, not waiting for his response, looking as gorgeous as ever in a black pantsuit and heels.
Irina was surprised and then concerned to see Jack still wearing the same clothes from the night before, sitting before the window in a chair and by the looks of his perfectly made bed, hadn't slept at all. She immediately scorned herself for feeling any concern for him and tried to shove her feelings down once more. She also saw the relief flooding through his features looking at her now that she had stayed, she hadn't run away and disappeared into the night. Jack remained silent and she realized in looking back at him staring intently at her, he was waiting for her to speak and make the first move after the way things had ended between them last night.
"I have an appointment this morning…a checkup…for the baby. I'm having another ultrasound." She fumbled nervously about what exactly to say and fingered her hair behind her ear looking away and then forced herself to look at him again. "Would you like to come along and see your daughter?" She swallowed hard at that reference and watched Jack do the same.
"I'd love too." Jack answered her quietly, already choking up with emotion at the thought and moved she'd ask him to come along after last night's conversation. Irina was offering him an olive branch and for whatever this meant in the long run, he'd be a fool not to seize the opportunity to see his child. "Do I have time to get cleaned up first?" He asked looking down at his worn clothes, realizing he needed to shave, too after traveling so far to find her and then not sleeping or bathing in the last two days.
Irina only nodded softly in response and added, "I'll meet you in the foyer when you're ready." Jack nodded at her in agreement and she was gone again, closing the door once more in his face. This time he only stared at it for a moment before racing into action, grabbing his bag and hurrying towards the bathroom to get ready. Irina was giving him another chance to be alone in her presence and he wasn't going to waste it.
"So…how did it go last night?" Katya asked nervously walking into the kitchen. Irina was standing next to the French doors, sipping on some juice and eating a slice of mango looking out at the garden.
"It went well with Sydney." Irina smiled softly continuing to stare out into the gardens thinking of her daughter telling her more than once she loved her and still overwhelmed by that fact.
"And with Jack?" Katya hedged noticing that Irina had answered very specifically, focusing on her child and not her former husband. Irina remained silent staring out the window while Katya took a seat on the breakfast bar stool facing her. "What happened last night after I went to bed?" She asked anxiously and cautiously for details about her sister's mysterious past showing up in the middle of the night that she knew had to have affected her deeply.
Irina moved around her and without answering placed two pieces of toast into the toaster. She remained silent for several more moments staring out the windows into the garden again before she finally spoke. "We talked… well, I talked a lot. Tried to give them some perspective into our past and Mama and Papa's. Tried to answer their questions the best I could." She moved to the refrigerator to grab a small bottle of orange juice. "They knew about Mikhail… they wanted to know about his life and what happened to him in Kashmir." She grabbed the wrapped toast when it popped up, buttered it quickly and stood in front of Katya, slowly picking up the bottle of juice as well to take with her.
"Did you tell them the truth?" Katya asked concerned for her sister, knowing it was a difficult topic for her to discuss.
"I answered all their questions." Seeing the disappointed look on Katya's face Irina added. "I didn't lie to them, Katya."
"No, but you didn't tell them everything either did you? Rina, you've been given a second chance here, one more then you ever thought possible. I know you're afraid to take this leap of faith… but please, please don't take this for granted. This is what you've wanted and prayed for, for the last twenty-two years. This is your chance to have your family back." Katya reached out to hold Irina's wrist softly in support.
"I know… and I'm trying really, I am. It's just more complicated than I thought it would be." Irina looked down at her belly and back to Katya's eyes. "I've never been more afraid than I am of taking this leap. Everything I've ever wanted is right in front of me and yet I'm scared to death that it will be ripped away from me once again or I'll do something wrong and they'll change their minds. And I'll have to survive losing them all over again. I've already had to do that enough… I honestly don't think I can do it again."
"What does Jack have to say about this?" Katya pulled her hand away and motioned for Irina to sit beside her but Irina remained standing. "What happened with him last night?"
"He said that he lied to me about Panama…in LA. That he didn't mean what he said and he lied about using me that night in revenge...that it meant something to him, too." She answered in barely above a whisper looking down with tears flooding her eyes once more.
"And you don't believe him?" Katya's eyes were immediately glistening seeing her sister's and hearing the doubt in her voice.
"No." Irina blinked back her tears but for the one that escaped, and she quickly wiped away. "I don't know what to believe anymore, Katya. I don't trust my heart or my mind anymore when it comes to Jack."
"Why would he lie about this? Lie to you now by saying he didn't mean what he said in LA about Panama?" Katya was trying to understand her sister's fears, knowing she knew Jack better than she did.
"Because he knows the truth now…about what happened to me…and why." Irina answered as another tear fell and she looked away again trying to hold back her tears.
"And you think…he's lying to you now about it meaning something more to him as well…" Katya replied starting to understand now where her sister was coming from, "Because he feels guilty for using you in Panama? For revenge? After he learned what you went through for him in Kashmir…because of your love for him?"
"Yes." Irina answered breathlessly and wiped another tear. "I don't want his pity, Katya."
"Rina, I don't think he's lying now… I think he is finally telling you the truth. And in what he learned about you…in Kashmir," She choked back a small sob trying to contain her emotions knowing how her sister felt about the mentioning of Kashmir, "He wasn't aware of how deep your love for him was… still is. That's all that matters, my Sweet Sister… The rest is as easy or complicated as you make it."
"You know it's not that simple. This is dangerous. They're still the hunters and I am the hunted…They are breaking the law just by being here." Irina tried to protest but was cut off in argument.
"Yes, it is. As long as you and Jack realize what's the most important thing in your lives… the rest will find a way of working out. Believe in it… believe in yourself and believe in each other, Rina. Remember what Mama said…'Love abides by no boundaries or laws made by man…only the heart.' Be honest, Rina… Tell him how you feel. Tell him that you love him, that you have always loved him… because I know you haven't or you wouldn't be so worried about all this." She stood and brushed Irina's cheek with her hand. She never thought she'd ever see the fear in her sister's eyes as she did now. Nothing, it seemed, could terrify her strong sister, but love. "Jack loves you, Irina. I can see it plain as day in watching him look at you when you aren't aware. He loves you." She repeated trying to comfort and assure her sister, but it had the opposite effect.
"He doesn't love me, Katya." Irina shook her head quietly with more tears flushing her eyes. "Not Irina. He loves Laura. Not me. Laura is the one he longs for. Irina is just the whore who looks like her." She gasped turning away and wiping her tears. "I have to go." Irina attempted a small fake smile, once again dodging anymore questions and a topic she wasn't in the mood to discuss.
Katya's tears ran down her face to hear her sister say such a thing and truly believe it by looking into her eyes. "Irina-" She tried to protest her line of thinking but Irina cut her off.
"Jack is going with me to my appointment for the baby this morning. Keep an eye on Sydney and Vaughn for me, please… They have a way of finding trouble." Irina called from the doorway.
Jack was sitting on the bottom step, waiting for Irina, when she found him. He stood to greet her and Irina smiled with what he was wearing. He was dressed in jeans and a form fitting black shirt that he'd pulled the sleeves up making them three-quarters in length. He looked very handsome and sexy in black, as always, and Irina swallowed hard as she made her way towards him.
"I hope this is ok?" Jack asked nervously smoothing his hands down his shirt, looking down at his jeans and looking back to Irina who was wearing something far more professional and elegant by comparison. "I didn't bring anything else."
"You look fine, Jack." She smiled handing him the toast and juice much to his surprise. Irina ignored explaining her thoughtful gesture or what it meant that she cared enough to bring him breakfast and moved quickly towards the door instead. She smiled as the black limousine pulled in front of them just as soon as they were outside.
The older man from last night emerged from behind the driver's side and walked to the back to open the door for Irina.
"Good morning, Dmitri." Irina greeted the man in Russian with a smile and a kiss to his cheek, much to the older man's delight.
"Good morning, Empress." He returned the greeting, kissing her hand as he guided her into the car.
The men nodded in acknowledgement of each other, but Jack could feel the cool under current in Dmitri's intense gaze as he guided Irina into the car and closed the door behind her.
"So, you're the one. The CIA agent she married." Dmitri spoke in heavily accented English as he walked Jack around the back of the car to let him in the opposite door. It was statement of fact and not a question Jack knew and nodded, suspicious of why this man had clarified that fact but immediately felt the 'protective' vibe coming from him.
"You were part of the team in Moscow." His eyes boring heavily into Jack's. Another rhetorical question that Jack knew the man already had an answer to.
"Yes." Jack answered truthfully knowing he was leading towards somewhere in making a point.
"She almost bled to death in the back of this car that night. By all medical standards… she was dead. I literally held her broken and bleeding heart in my hands." The old man looked pointedly at Jack, cupping his hands before him, making sure Jack understood how serious it really was. "It is a miracle she is alive. I don't know what your intentions are with our beloved Empress… but I swore to her father that I would take care of her when she couldn't take care of herself, protect her when she was vulnerable… Do I need to protect her from you?" He paused with his hand on the door handle.
"No." Jack saw this man's fatherly instincts to protect Irina, who he obviously saw as a daughter, something Jack could appreciate being a father to a daughter himself.
"Good." The man nodded that they had an understanding and opened the door for Jack.
"What was that all about?" Irina asked turning her attention to Jack once the door was shut. Recognizing the serious look on his face and hearing muffled conversation outside.
"We were just clarifying some things." Jack turned his attention to the window, watching as they made their way down the drive. "Do you always travel in such style?" He asked looking around the inside of the limo, using her tactic of diversion to change the topic of discussion and nervous about being in her presence again, alone, and on her turf.
"No. Not always but," She looked down at her hand and then out the window, "I can't drive right now with my hand so it's just easier and safer for me this way."
Jack instantly felt guilty for trying to make a joke of it when she had saved Sydney from such devastation at great expense to herself. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. There is nothing to be sorry for." She shook her head looking away, "I'd never let him hurt Sydney like this."
"I know." Jack answered quietly, still feeling guilty that he ever believed she could have harmed their daughter.
Irina ignored his comment and instead stole the toast out of his hand, taking a bite for herself just like she used to do so long ago in stealing his breakfast, surprising Jack yet again serving as another reminder that she was always the same woman he loved in his memories.
Irina knew what he was thinking about by the way he was looking at her. Seeing 'Laura' from the past in looking at her now and her heart broke a little more to see him still seeing them as separate in his mind. She handed the toast back as she brushed the crumbs off her belly. Her hands coming to rest there feeling the baby kicking, she couldn't help but smile. "Watch," She instructed Jack, taking her hands away to allow him to see her belly shake. "She has the hiccups." Irina smiled genuinely at him lost in the moment as her belly continued to shake every few seconds.
Jack was mesmerized by the movement but also with watching Irina's facial expressions soften and glow, smiling down at the baby inside her. "Does she have them often?"
"Not really. The last time she did was about a week ago, I guess. She kept me awake all night… It tickles in the strangest way, I can't explain." She smiled up at him and then looked away nervously with the intensity of his gaze.
"What was your reaction when you found out?" He asked hesitantly staring into her eyes. "About being pregnant." He clarified in his nervousness.
"Surprise of course, shock… panic thinking about everything that happened to my body in those months I didn't realize I was pregnant, hoping I didn't do any damage… Once I realized she was okay, I was thrilled… and then scared," She spoke softly and looked sadly out the window, "Sad of course, when I realized you weren't going to be experiencing it with me…weren't going to be a part of her life." Again her mind flashed back to the horrible night he berated her at the house. She forced those memories out of her head and managed a small smile in his direction. "Pretty much the same gauntlet of emotions I ran before when I was pregnant with the other two…" Her eyes met his in a silent understanding and Jack gulped to hear her speak of the baby they'd lost. It made them so much more real and their loss that much more devastating, especially what she went through and experienced in real life while he only saw it on film.
"What about you? What was your reaction to finding out I was pregnant?" Irina asked nervously when silence had reigned too long.
"Honestly, the first thoughts I had were of anger, jealousy, and sadness because I immediately assumed you were carrying someone else's child… The thought that our one night together in almost twenty-two years could produce a baby never crossed my mind in those first few moments." He smiled still in awe of that fact, "When I realized that the baby was mine… I felt ashamed for jumping to conclusions, but I was still angry that you didn't tell me… And then I realized a moment later you tried to," He watched as she nervously tucked her hair behind her ear looking away from him thinking about that night in LA she'd come to him, "And it felt like a ton of bricks had landed on me." He continued softly, "Looking at the photographs of the sonograms for the first time… I fell instantly in love with our child." He offered her a small smile when she finally found his gaze again in their mutual adoration of their child at first sight. "I also felt guilty and scared, worrying what damage I might have done when I shot you… and I was saddened at the possibility I wouldn't have the chance to be a part of this baby's life… Sad that I wouldn't get to experience this again with you. Worried about you… worrying about you having to go through this alone."
"Are you still angry with me for not telling you?" Irina asked cautiously, trying to gauge what Jack was really thinking and feeling.
"No," He shook his head, "My anger with you for not telling me lasted all of two seconds until I realized what an ass I'd been and then I didn't blame you for not telling me. I'm more, angry with myself then anyone."
"What do you mean?" She asked quietly just as the car pulled to a stop. They had arrived at the clinic.
"We will continue this later." Jack sighed at the poor timing in their life once again, promising her with determination as Dmitri opened the door to let her out.
Irina waited for him to exit the car but walked ahead of him, still nervous to be around him. As soon as they were inside, Irina was conversing heavily in Russian with the woman behind the desk. Jack found himself very much falling in love with the woman in front of him speaking in her throaty native tongue and seeing her in a whole new way. Something he never thought possible before.
They were shown immediately to a room, and Jack realized it was because they were the only ones there. The office was closed to everyone but Irina, a security measure no doubt. The nurse excused herself after telling Irina to sit on the examination table and remove her jacket, while Jack took a seat on the stool.
Less than thirty seconds after the nurse left an older man entered, Jack presumed to be the doctor, and greeted Irina with a kiss to each cheek and a huge smile.
"My Dear Child, it's been so long. How are you feeling?" His smile was bright and genuine as he walked around through the door. "I received a message from Katya earlier this week… that you were cramping and bleeding…" His words died off as he finally noticed Jack sitting in the corner and eyed him with great surprise and suspicion.
Irina saw the exchange and answered the question she knew Alexei was going to ask. "I'm feeling fine now, Alexei." She responded in Russian not wanting to discuss further what happened in Brazil during her escape, especially in seeing Jack's reaction to this news as well. "And this… is Jack." She pointed with her eyes and a head nod to Jack.
"The American husband?" Alexei whispered in pure shock with wide eyes.
"Once upon a time." She answered quietly with a shy, nervous smile continuing to speak in Russian. "And he speaks Russian, Alexei. Jack," She motioned for him to come over, "This is my long-time family doctor and very trusted friend, Dr. Alexei Valishnikov."
"After all these years, we finally meet." Alexei returned the handshake, still in awe of the man standing before him and giving him a slight smile. "All these years later, you never cease to amaze me." He spoke again looking only at Irina with wonder and awe.
"You've known Irina for a while then?" Jack asked curiously, hearing the man had known of him and known Irina for many years.
"Since the moment she was born into my hands." Alexei smiled holding his hands out like he was cradling a baby with a smile at Jack whose turn it was to be stunned. "The most gorgeous baby I've ever seen. She was breathtaking then and still is today."
"You delivered Irina?" Jack asked in awe looking between Irina and the white-haired man in front of him.
"Yes, quite by accident. I was only twenty-two at the time and interning in my uncle's clinic when her mother came in ready to deliver. She was the first baby I ever delivered completely on my own and I've taken care of her ever since." He beamed, proud as any father might be helping Irina lie back on the table to prepare for her ultrasound. "I was such a nervous wreck that night. I had seen Anya coming in and out of the clinic every few weeks for her check-up and was completely smitten with her. She was stunning…so gorgeous . The most beautiful woman I had ever seen. And her smile made every man weak in the knees." He smiled clearly taken with just the mere memory of her, "So you can imagine how nerve wracking it would be to deliver the woman's baby." He laughed as he squirted the gel on Irina's belly. "She was so sweet though. Here she was the one giving birth and yet she was the one calming me down. Anya said she had complete faith in my abilities…sometimes I wonder if that were the truth or if she just wanted that baby out of her."
Irina and Jack both had to laugh softly at that, both instantly thinking of Sydney's wild birth.
"But she stuck with me and kept me on as the family's physician. They kept me pretty busy over the years but none like this one," He gently squeezed Irina's forearm, "I swear one of these days you're going to give me a heart attack showing up riddled with bullets, knife wounds, and broken bones…" His expression changed from light-hearted to concerned in a flash.
"I seem to have that effect on people." She teased with a soft smile looking back and forth between the two men. "Alexei performed my last surgery." She clarified for Jack tapping her chest and the expose scar; Jack swallowed the lump in his throat at yet another reminder of that horrible night.
"It's a miracle you are alive, My Dear. Nothing short of a miracle." Alexei looked pointedly at her over the glasses on the end of his nose, "Speaking of miracles, how is our little Grand Duchess doing? What happened in Brazil?" He asked pointedly coming back to his original concern. "Katya said in her message that you were cramping and bleeding upon your arrival back home. She was very worried about you and the baby. You should have flown straight to Moscow so I could see you."
"I'm fine, Alexei." She tried to reassure him and Jack seeing his concern once more to hear more details about what happened during their raid. "I started cramping and bleeding during my departure… but it stopped before I reached Russia. I'm okay and so is she." She ran her hand over her belly, "She's very active and obviously growing as you can see from the size of my belly." Alexei seemed to accept that was all Irina was going to say about the subject and moved on.
"Yes, I can see you are growing, but you're still very tiny compared to most pregnant mothers at this stage." He moved the machine to give them a better view. "You carry her very internally and that concerns me only in the fact that by the time it comes to deliver, she will be pressing up against your lungs making it hard for anyone to breathe but especially you because of your injuries."
"Are you saying I have to have a C-section?" Irina asked immediately concerned and Jack wished he could reach out and hold her hand, feeling the same anxiousness in hearing this delivery could be dangerous for Irina.
"Not necessarily but a possibility… I just want you to be prepared should that be the case."
*Never Grow Old *
"Let's have a look at our little Duchess, shall we?" Alexei smiled and moved the wand across her belly, the sounds of the heartbeat instantly filling the room. "There she is." He hovered the wand just above Irina's belly button and over the baby's face. She was sucking her thumb with one hand while the other was curled up next to her eye.
Jack felt his heart skip a beat watching his daughter on the screen for the first time. They never had a sonogram with Sydney, so this was something new to him, watching his unborn child move about the screen while she was still inside Irina; "This is so amazing." Jack couldn't tear his eyes away from the screen and Irina smiled watching him in awe over their baby and felt her heart flutter with the way he was looking with so much love at their child.
Alexei continued with the measurements, explaining everything that he was doing to Jack and Irina as he went along. "She's perfect. Absolutely perfect." He smiled when he finished.
"She's still smaller than I'd like, but that's not surprising considering everything." Alexei took a new photo of the baby, handing it to Irina. He wiped the gel from her belly and Jack helped her to sit up. Both holding intense gazes at the lightning bolt of electricity shooting through them with just the slightest contact. "Congratulations, My Child, you've made it into your Third Trimester. It won't be long now before we are welcoming her into the light." Alexei took hold of Irina's good hand and gave a gentle squeeze. "Now… I will let Dr. Kuzhnetzov know you are here and waiting. Take care, My Dear and I'll see you soon." He kissed Irina's forehead, causing her to smile and nodded to Jack before making his exit.
"Who's Dr. Kuzhnetzov?" Jack resumed his seat on the stool.
"The other surgeon who worked on me that night." Her voice faded slightly in thinking about Moscow, "The one who performed the initial surgery on my hand." She sighed, looking around the room, obviously nervous. Jack nodded and they waited in silence for the doctor.
A gorgeous man, roughly their same age, breezed into the room moments later.
"Good morning, Irina." He smiled at her taking a seat on the stool in front of the examine table, completely ignoring Jack. "It's been a while and look at this belly!" He reached out and placed a hand on her stomach causing Jack to feel a bit jealous as not even he had felt Irina's pregnant belly yet, and she was carrying his child. "How much longer now?" The doctor asked.
"I've just started my seventh month." She looked over at Jack, surprised to see the jealousy brewing in his eyes. "Dr. Kuzhnetzov-" She began.
"Call me Sergei… please," He flashed her, his most charming smile, with his hand still on her stomach caressing it lightly with his thumb.
Jack wanted to reach out and choke the man for hitting on her, pregnant with another man's child none-the-less. Not that he could blame the man; she was gorgeous and even more so pregnant and glowing.
"Ok, " she smiled politely, "Sergei… I'd like to introduce you to-"
"Her husband." Jack jumped out of the chair and grabbed the man's hand, shaking it firmly, sending a clear message to the doctor she was taken.
Irina stared wide-eyed at Jack like he was an alien for his assertiveness at instituting his position as her husband.
"Husband?" Sergei raised his eyebrows but continued to smile. "I didn't know you were married." He flashed a smile at Irina and then back to Jack, "And do you have a name 'husband'?"
"Jack."
"A pleasure, Jack. You are a very lucky man…to have such a strong, intelligent, beautiful woman take you as her husband."
'An insult to me hidden within a compliment to Irina, this man is good.' Jack thought himself.
"Easy on the hand, Jack," The good doctor pulled his hand away from Jack's death grip. "I'm a surgeon after all."
"Right… sorry." Jack smiled, feeling he showed the right amount of intimidation, and resumed his seat on the stool; his eyes flashed to Irina's to see her staring at him in disbelief.
"Let me have a look." Sergei picked up Irina's hand gaining her attention and began inspecting her progress. "Dr. Aguiar in Rio did an excellent job removing the pins. The bones have set well." He pushed his thumb into various points on Irina's hand. "Bend your fingers for me, please?"
Irina concentrated on her hand that was shaking with her efforts. She was only able to move her pinky and thumb fully; and sighed, frustrated, that her hand was shaking so badly, and she couldn't move her fingers the way she wanted to.
"Try this." He placed a tennis ball in his palm, motioning her to pick it up.
She reached her hand out and tried to force her fingers to pick up the ball. They shook terribly and she tried again, this time she was able to pick it up by clasping her pinky and thumb around it, using the stiff rigid fingers in the middle to hold it there.
"Well, that's one way." He smiled.
"Can you set it down?" He held is hand out again and she moved to release the ball with control, but it fell from her hand and she looked absolutely defeated. "It's ok. Let me see your hand again." He ran the tip of his finger just under the tips of her three middle fingers. "Can you feel that?"
"No," she shook her head and Jack felt his heart sinking in his chest. Irina had definitely given the optimistic prognosis to them about the state of her hand and its real condition.
The doctor pinched the skin on the ends of her fingers with his fingernails. "How about this?"
Irina still shook her head 'no.'
The doctor sighed and forced her fingers into a bent position, causing Irina to cringe slightly, and when he released them they shot straight back out again. "I was afraid of this." He turned her hand over to inspect her palm. "I think some of this nerve damage may be permanent." He looked up slowly into her eyes and she nodded in understanding. "The knife severed too many major nerves. My hope is with time, they will regenerate and you will regain some feeling in those fingers. The reason you can't bend your fingers this way," He demonstrated with his own, bending them against his palm, "Is because the tendons and ligaments that run along the top of your hand have healed too tightly. After the baby is born, I should be able to go in and correct that problem. You're seeing a physical therapist for your chest injury aren't you?"
"Yes." She spoke softly.
"Good, I'll add some exercises to the plan to work your hand and fingers as well." Seeing the concern in her eyes he added, "I know you're concerned, Irina, but you've already come a long way. When I first saw the damage, I thought you would for certain lose your entire hand."
Jack balked at the new information and paled considerably to hear she nearly lost her whole hand.
"You've managed to keep it, remember that. Time will heal the rest." The doctor smiled at her genuinely.
*Everything *
When he left the room, Jack silently handed Irina her jacket, knowing she needed some space after that less-than-great-news report from her surgeon about the permanent damage to her hand. She smiled softly at him taking her jacket and he followed her to the car.
As soon as they were on the go again Jack felt the need to break the silence. "So, what's next on the agenda?"
"I have to stop at the University. Alexei will take you back to the palace after you drop me off and come back for me later." She continued looking out the window, still lost in thought.
Jack felt the sudden punch in his gut that their morning together was ending; he wasn't sure why she needed to stop at the University, nor did he care at the moment. He could see her withdrawing into herself, lost in thought, in another time… another place.
"Where are you right now?" He asked softly after she continued to stare unblinking out the window for several minutes, already having an idea in thinking about the damage to her hand and who was responsible for that damage…
Irina closed her eyes and shook her head as if trying to rid the images she was seeing there.
"No place I want to be." She tried to offer him a fake smile. "It's nothing. I'll be fine."
"You're thinking about Cuvee… aren't you?" He hedged cautiously. Her continued silence and staring out the window were confirmation enough. "We need to talk about that… about him." He saw her tense immediately. "He and Sloane are still after you."
Irina's eyes dropped to the picture of the baby, her finger's tracing the sweet outline. "Here," She looked up at Jack and handed him the photo. "You can have it. A photo for you to take with you when you leave."
"Irina-" Jack knew she was changing the subject from Cuvee.
"Jack, I don't want to talk about him right now." She snapped, instantly feeling guilty for her tone. "Please?" The look in her eyes pleading for understanding.
Jack saw her struggle, and for now… he let it go, they would come back to that later. They still had so much to talk about and none of it ever seemed to be the right time. He nodded in silent understanding. He also knew she was right; he would have to leave soon, and it only made him feel all-the-more desperate to make things right with her as fast as possible. "Thank you." He smiled softly, looking down at the photo and then to Irina. "Are you sure… you don't want keep it?"
"I'll make a copy before you go." She returned the smile and then fell silent again.
The car stopped before they had a chance to discuss his leaving any further, yet something else they would have to return to. Dmitri came around to the side and opened the door, extending his hand to Irina.
"I'll see you later." She looked at Jack with a soft nod and intense gaze, trying to reassure him that she would see him again, knowing he was constantly on edge about her disappearing again after she had already more than once in their life.
Jack reached out and gently took hold of her wrist stopping her movements, "Can I stay? Can I go with you?" He asked quietly, not wanting to let her go just yet.
Irina only nodded in response and stepped out, taking a deep breath of the cool, crisp air, wrapping her arms around her chest, warding off the cold wind… waiting for Jack to make his way around the car.
'St. Petersburg State University,' Jack interpreted the sign as he glanced at the enormous structure in front of him.
Feeling him just behind her, Irina started walking up the steps. It had been a long time since both of them walked up a university's steps together and both minds were recalling those days that seemed just like just yesterday and forever ago.
Jack followed her through a large corridor, entering a secretarial office for the Dean of the school. He still had no idea what they were doing there but figured he would realize soon enough. The desk was empty as they entered the room, but a large wooden door opened and out stepped two women.
The taller one was approximately in her late twenties with dark brown hair and glasses, she was carrying a legal pad and pen and nodded with an enormous smile at Irina before resuming her place behind her secretarial desk. The other woman, a little shorter than Irina, and about the same age with blonde hair and blue eyes, flew into Irina's arms at first sight.
"Irina!" She exclaimed hugging her with full force that Jack could tell was a bit uncomfortable with Irina's current state of still healing sternum and ribs from surgery. "It's been so long! Where have you been? I missed you last Fall? You sent Pytor, which was fine and look at you! You're pregnant!" Rattling in Russian, she stepped back, holding Irina's hands, smiling and marveling at Irina's new girth.
"Sasha, my friend, it has been too long." Irina smiled warmly. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to be here last Fall, but I was a little 'detained," She looked pointedly at Jack with a tiny smirk, thinking about her time in the glass cell in CIA custody. "Sasha, this is Jack," Irina turned and smiled at Jack, not giving him the chance to proclaim himself her husband again, "Jack, this is Sasha."
Jack extended his hand to the woman, "It's a pleasure." He responded in Russian.
"The pleasure's all mine." She beamed brightly at the man before her, curious as to his presence with Irina and turning her head back to Irina with a smile.
They followed her into the large office and took their seats in the two large leather armchairs in front of Sasha's desk. As soon as she sat down, Sasha pushed an enormous pile of manila folders, stacked neatly, towards Irina. "This is all of them. The other Dean's had theirs sent over last week and the ones from Moscow arrived just this morning."
"How many this year?" Irina opened one of the folders on the top, glancing at the student's profile.
"Two hundred and fifty-three new ones."
Irina nodded and continued to leaf through the folders, one by one. "How are 'my other kids' doing?" She asked without looking up.
Jack's curiosity immediately getting the best of him trying to figure out what was going on and who were these kids Irina was staking a claim to.
"They all have remarkable scores… these kids are amazing. They are all doing so well. These are all your copies." Sasha passed numerous stacks of color-coded folders to Irina.
Irina's eyes were beaming as any proud parent would, looking over their test scores. "I'm so proud of them."
"Oh," Sasha jumped up and made her way around the desk, "I almost forgot." She retrieved a box from the bookshelf and set it on Jack's lap, chuckling when he made a, 'hmmph' noise when she dropped the heavy weight on him unsuspectingly. "They all wrote copious amounts of 'Thank You' letters to their anonymous donor. These are all for you. They all needle me incessantly to find out who you are… I tell them nothing, like you asked, except that it is a gift from 'Mother of Russia,' on my own accord of course." She smiled at Irina before resuming her seat. "Some of them are getting pretty close to the truth with their wild theories about who or what that could mean… I wish you could be here, Irina… To see their faces when I tell them they have nothing to worry about anymore. Their living and school expenses… their tuition, have all been paid for. The moment of sheer joy as they bounce around my office, hugging me madly… thanking me for making their dreams come true while others simply faint." She laughed and Jack finally understood. Irina was providing full scholarships to at least several hundred students, anonymously.
*Bleed To Love Her *
"But I feel so guilty… experiencing their joy, hearing their words of 'Thanks,' because it is not me who is making their dreams possible… it is you, Irina. It's such a great gift you give them."
"I don't see it as a gift, I see it as an investment, an investment in Russia to educate their brilliant young minds. It only hurts 'us' and our future as a country if we only allow those with substantial funds to attend University… we'd be losing some of the best minds." Irina sighed as she rattled on, "The best doctors and teachers, the best scientists and artists… and that all begins with an excellent education."
Jack was astounded by what he was hearing coming from Irina's mouth and yet he wasn't. 'Education of the youth and the success of a nation,' this was something he knew 'Laura' was passionate about which was why she was such an excellent teacher. Hearing the same words fall from Irina's lips only served to remind him once more, that 'they' were indeed the same person and Irina hadn't lied about her passions back then. The more he learned the more he was realizing that she hadn't lied about anything, except her name, and how she ended up in his life. Everything else was proving to be true and that thought bought excited him and made him sick to his stomach that he could have ever believed she could fabric such a life with him for so long, if he weren't seeing the real her? Laura was the most amazing woman he'd ever met but Irina was above and beyond. She was truly extraordinary.
"I couldn't agree more," Sasha twirled the pen in her fingers, "But it takes a remarkable individual to physically put those ideals into motion and see the change."
"Do you have the lists?" Irina pretended to ignore Sasha's last statement, wanting to take the focus off herself.
"Yes, I do." Sasha shook her head, smiling to herself at Irina's dismissal of any type of praise. She opened a drawer in her desk and removed yet another file and handed it to Irina.
"They just finished the addition to the library here, the sky light is stunning you should stop and see it… and they finished the one in the Medical Institute as well. The books and the space are wonderful but the leather beanbag chairs have been an enormous hit with the students. All hours of the day and night they are lounging around reading in them. That was a great idea."
"I can't tell you how many times I was stuck in the library studying when I was a student and wishing for something like that…Something that wasn't so constrictive and hard as those old wooden chairs and tables would seem like concrete after three or four hours in them. I always thought I spent more time thinking about how uncomfortable I was then I did actually absorbing what I was reading and supposed to be studying."
Irina laughed at the memory and Jack could instantly picture her there, behind those big wooden desks with the green lamps, rubbing her aching shoulders. A sight he'd seen many times and could relate to.
"I'll look over all the requests and either stop back or send a courier next week. If you have any other requests just let me know." Irina placed the file in the box Jack was holding and moved to stand, as did Sasha.
"Actually, I do have one more request," Sasha walked around the front of the desk to stand in front of Irina once more, "It's the same as always I'm afraid… I still want to have you teach our Russian and English Literature classes. You wouldn't by chance, have changed your mind and are ready to accept, would you?" She smiled in a way that Irina knew she was serious but still joking with her all at the same time.
Irina's only response at her persistence of the matter was to shake her head 'no' and laugh.
"No?" Sasha feigned mock disappointment, "Well, there will always be wishful thinking on my part, that one day, you will accept! You are still the only person I know who can quote the likes of Shakespeare, Hemmingway, and Tolstoy."
'Yeah, and she can also throw knives, kill with her bare hands and leap off tall buildings in a single bound,' Jack wanted to say and stifled a chuckle as Irina picked up a stack of files and placed them on top of Jack's box, adding to its weight, before picking up the remaining pile to carry herself.
"Sasha, it was a pleasure seeing you again. I can always count on you for a laugh. I wish we had more time." Irina smiled sweetly at the woman, placing a kiss to each other's cheeks in the Russian tradition, before making her way towards the door.
"Would you like help out?" Sasha held the door as Jack and Irina passed her, arms loaded with files.
"It's not necessary." Irina chuckled, "I brought my work horse with me today." She winked at Jack behind her making his heart skip a beat. "Goodbye, Sasha."
"Goodbye, Empress." She smirked, "Take care and God Bless you."
Before Irina could offer any retort, the office door had closed, leaving Irina shaking her head softly at the woman and her comments. The thought of God blessing her, somehow seemed absurd considering all she'd done in her life. But then again, she had her daughter back, sort of, and was expecting another healthy baby girl… those were certainly blessings.
They walked down the corridor and Irina held the door open for Jack to pass, smiling at him when he smiled at her before she caught herself and looked away.
Jack's smile immediately ceased in concern seeing a young man approaching Irina with obvious determination in his eyes. He'd obviously been waiting for her.
Irina saw the same young man and immediately tensed, feeling vulnerable with her arms full and pregnant. He stopped just two feet from Irina.
"I know who you are." He was staring intently into Irina's eyes.
"What do you mean?" Irina smiled trying to remain calm.
"You're the one. The one who anonymously pays for people's tuition… Educating Russia," He leaned in and took the stack of files from Irina, holding them for her while he remained rooted to the ground. "Mother Russia' as they call you and now, I know why… took me awhile to figure it out… but the pieces slowly started coming together. I've seen you here… almost every year around this time, getting these files… and now the 'Thank You' box, too… You're the one." He repeated in awe, a slow smile coming to his face. "The Romanov." He whispered with clear awe in his voice. Seeing the look flash across Irina's face he quickly added, "Don't worry… your secret is safe with me. I just wanted to 'Thank you' in person." He smiled. "I'm in one of those files. Nicholas Petrinkov."
Irina smiled and felt a sigh of relief flooding her as did Jack to realize this young man wasn't a threat to her safety.
"You've made my dreams a reality. I'm in my fourth year of medical school now, on my way to being a cardiac surgeon and if not for you… I would still be in Siberia… herding sheep." He laughed at the mental image causing Jack and Irina to chuckle with him. "I just wanted to say, 'Thank you.'" He sobered, "What you've done… has and will change my family's life forever… I will never be able to repay you for that." He choked out with tears in his eyes, causing Irina to get teary-eyed immediately in her pregnant state.
"Nicholas, do you really want to know how you can repay me?" She looked intently into the young man's eyes speaking softly, reaching out to touch his arm when he nodded. "Do your best. Continue to study hard and become the best cardiac surgeon you can be. Take care of yourself, your family and those less fortunate. That's all I ask in return."
"I promise. I will." He smiled through unshed tears.
"Good." She kissed his cheek much to his surprise and reached out to take the files from him once again.
"I'll help you carry them." He started walking down the steps with her, carrying them to the car.
Jack continued to stare at her in his own private 'awe,' causing her to glance nervously at him every few seconds.
When they reached the bottom, Dmitri was waiting with the car and he took the files from Nicholas. He extended his hand to help Irina into the waiting limo and Irina reached up and kissed Nicholas's cheek again before pulling him to her for a hug, surprising Jack, and the young man.
"I can never say, 'Thank you' enough. I'll keep my promise." He whispered into her hair before pulling away. She smiled and made her way into the car, closing the door after her, and stood on the curb with his hands in his pockets watching them drive away.
When the young man was no longer visible, she turned her attention back to Jack who was still staring at her with a bewildering look on his face as they drove away.
"What? Why do you keep looking at me like I have two heads?" She cocked her head staring at him with her steely eyes.
"You just continuously surprise me. So many things I still don't know about you. So many things I'm learning. You amaze me. Just when I think I've got you figured out." He was quiet for a moment then smiled, his eyes never leaving hers. "You kissed him…and hugged him." He marveled still reeling at seeing the affectionate side of Irina after seeing her for so long as anything but.
"Are you jealous again?" She asked quietly holding his gaze.
"Again?" Jack cocked his head to mimic hers. "When were you under the impression that I was jealous previously?"
"Jack, you practically leapt off the stool this morning when Dr. Kuzhnetsov asked me to call him Sergei." She wanted to laugh at him in his denial and annoyed at the same.
"He had his hands all over your body!" Jack moved his hands around in circular motions like he was caressing her belly wildly, his nostrils flaring.
"Jack, he is my doctor." She stated flatly, goading him, and enjoying it.
"He was hitting on you. I'm a man; I know how his mind works. I know what he was thinking."
Irina remained silent staring at him for several long moments before shifting her attention to look out the window again.
"I'm not jealous." Jack replied once more staring at her gorgeous profile and knowing he was insanely so.
"Ok, whatever then." She sighed giving up.
"And you never answered my question." Jack interjected immediately wanting to take the focus off him.
"You never asked me a question." She immediately answered with annoyance, reminding him that he hadn't actually asked her a question. Just implied curiosity at her reaction. When Jack continued to stare at her, she fired back, "He was a good-looking young doctor, why not kiss him?" Her eyes never wavering, she could play this stubborn jealous game too.
"Oh please, he's Sydney's age. He's young enough to be your son." Jack scoffed at her answer.
"What do you want to know, Jack?" Irina's voice dipped with emotion and tinged with both hurt and anger, growing tired of his prodding. "I hugged him because, you're right. He's old enough that he 'could' be our son." She swallowed hard not wanting to think about their lost child, "And I can relate to where he's coming from. A family with nothing, struggling to survive; wanting to break out of the vicious cycle of being held down because of your station in life. And I hugged him because I'm pregnant and very hormonal and I felt like it! Ok?" Her voice was rising in decibel as she went on.
Now it was Jack's turn to feel bad for goading her. Especially when she said that the boy was old enough that he could be 'their' son, and his heart clenched with pain at the reminder of the child she had lost so tragically that was theirs.
"How long have you been doing this?" He tried to change the subject, "Funding and supporting these kids… the universities?"
She let out a heavy sigh, still looking out the window. Anywhere but Jack's eyes. "Since the fall of the Soviet Union and their system of 'free' education."
"That's almost thirteen years. You've been doing this for thirteen years?" Jack was shocked, mentally calculating in his head the expense of it all.
"Yes."
"That's got to be over $240 million by now you've given away." He gasped at the staggering amount.
"I don't look at it that way. I see the 3,300 kids who are helping to ensure a positive future for Russia. It truly is an investment. The best investment one can make is education."
"No, I agree with you completely. I just… I think you're remarkable for doing this." He gave her a small smile continuously in awe over the woman before him. She truly was extraordinary.
"Not remarkable, resourceful." Irina corrected him immediately.
Jack looked at her inquisitively waiting for her to explain.
"Some of the funds come from my personal holdings but the majority of the money that is paying for these kids to become doctors, lawyers, teachers, scientists… is money from my organization…Russian Mafia money, as you would say."
"This is what Katya was referring to when she came to the house…she said you were funneling 'that' money back into Russia to help the people." Jack nodded in understanding.
"Yes…" Irina answered, surprised to hear that Katya had spoken to them about this at all and wondered why and how it would have come up in their conversation. "Through education and health care… many different ways. A public funding of sorts until Russia gets back on her feet again. That's the reason I started my organization… to take back what belonged to my family and use the mafia to help my people by ascertaining a certain level of control over the government." She informed Jack and blew his mind with the real reason she had started her own organization. "Under Soviet rule, life was restricting but there was order. When the Soviet Union fell, everything went spiraling out of control and people were suddenly starving. Something had to be done." She tried to explain.
Jack remembered those days not so long ago and images of families digging through landfills for food flashed across his mind. "So, the government obviously knows about you?" He realized, replaying what she had said about using her organization to gain a certain level of control over the government.
"We have an arrangement." Irina spoke softly, raising her eyebrow that suggested there was more to that answer she wasn't willing to reveal. She turned her attention back to the window.
His gaze followed hers out the window watching the beautiful streets and canals of St. Petersburg go by, something he'd never taken the time to observe and appreciate while on missions in country. "I must say, I've been to Russia at least a hundred times over the years, yet this feels like the first. I suppose it's because, for the first time, I am really seeing it, seeing its beauty…being here with you. Seeing it through your eyes." He braved a more intimate conversation with her once more.
"I felt the same way when I came to the U.S., I didn't really see the beauty of America… until I saw it through your eyes." Irina's voice was slightly shaky, hearing Jack's admission, answering with her own honest reply and Jack's heart thundered in hearing her response. She wasn't shutting him out but had shared something personal with him from their past instead.
Once again, their moment was interrupted when the car stopped as they reached their intended destination. The large golden gates opened before them and Jack's face was nothing but awe as the car made its way up the paved drive past golden statues, fountains and lakes to stop in front of two grand staircases leading to an enormous palace.
"Welcome to Peterhof." Irina looked over her shoulder towards Jack as she accepted Dmitri's hand in exiting the limo.