Chapter 2

Coming out of the dimly lit garage, the bright cabin of the ambulance combined with too many voices and blaring sirens had awakened a growling headache that Cary was trying to keep at bay as he stumbled into the ER in a bid to keep up with the paramedics who were handing Kalinda over to the doctors on staff. He watched as the paramedics recited in hurried speech to a man in dark blue scrubs who nodded fiercely and then, along with two other doctors, wheeled the gurney carrying his friend and colleague out of view.

Cary came to a stand still in the middle of the admittance area, arms hanging limply at his sides, the general din of the emergency room dissolving into a monotone humming that drummed against his eardrums in painful rhythm with the hammering in his head. As the last of Kalinda disappeared down the white hallway, the rest of the environment blurred until every sight and sound became hazy and Cary was acutely aware of himself and the rolling mechanism of his own body – the slow, rhythmic breathing in his ears, the tingling at the tips of his fingers that was crawling up his arms like spiders in a web of veins pumped full of adrenalin. It was this wholly intrinsic state that made Cary jump a little at the sudden appearance of an ER nurse in front of him.

"Can you hear me?" she was saying and Cary blinked a few times to clear his head and focus on the young nurse in front of him. He noticed that she looked like she was fresh out of college, was probably given all the jobs that none of the more experienced staff wanted to do. "What's your name?"

"Cary," he replied then, his voice sounding like it was coming from someone standing next to him instead of from his own lips.

"Hi Cary, I'm Emma," the nurse said with a warm and sincere smile. There was more than sincerity in it though, something like pity.

One of the admitting nurses walked up to him and shoved a clipboard into his chest. Cary looked down and the print on the form swam slowly into focus. A pen appeared in his line of sight that must have come from the same nurse.

"You have to fill this out," a voice said that didn't belong to the young nurse who called herself Emma.

Cary nodded and made to take the pen but his hand froze in midair. He lifted the other one and held them side by side, inspecting them as if they were new additions to his body. They were both still covered in blood; Kalinda's blood that had now dried and left them stained a shade of red that made Cary's stomach turn. The breathing that was slow and rhythmic in his ears suddenly started to quicken and shallow out and the hands that were covered in Kalinda's blood started to shake.

"It's okay," he heard the friendlier of the two voices say. "I'll take him."

Then there were two clean, soft hands taking his, leading him away and Cary submitted to the gentle pull from the young ER nurse, the whole time focusing on her hands cradling his. When next he looked up he found himself in an empty exam room.

"I know it's scary," Emma said, her voice warm and friendly and not in the way that said she was trying too hard to be comforting, Cary noted. Looking into her eyes he could tell that she was being real. "But we're a level one trauma facility and Dr Grosche is one of the top three trauma surgeons in the city, top seven in the state. There's nobody else you would want standing over your friend right now. Here, change into these" she said, and placed a set of green scrubs on the hospital bed between them. "You can wash up over there." Cary turned in the direction she was pointing and saw a hand basin against the wall behind him. "Don't worry, the alcohol scrub gets it off." He followed the slight nod she gave in the direction of his hands and when he inspected them again, saw they weren't shaking anymore.

"He's number seven," Cary said, looking up at the nurse again.

"What?"

"You said top seven in the state, not top ten, which means he's number seven."

"Look, even he's number ten, he's the best one here and what counts is who's here, now," she responded evenly, keeping his gaze.

Cary noticed that he was a lot calmer than before he stepped into the exam room with Emma and suddenly felt grateful for her intervention.

"You're right," he conceded finally.

"I usually am," she said with a smile that he saw in her eyes as well as her face and Cary decided that she wasn't so bad. "There are some forms you need to fill out so when you're ready you can come over to the reception desk and I'll help you."

Before he could say anything, the nurse had disappeared from the room, closing the door behind her and leaving Cary alone for the first time. It suddenly felt as though she had taken that sense of calm he had just felt along with her because when he walked over to the basin to start washing his hands, an intense ball of anxiety started up in the pit of his stomach.

Using way too much scrub than was necessary, Cary started the process of washing his hands. His mind drew blank as he focused intently on the swirls of water that rinsed pink before disappearing down the drain. Emma was right, his hands looked clean after that first wash but they didn't feel clean to him, so he repeated the process a few more times. Each time, even though he knew it wasn't really true, the water rinsed a deeper and deeper pink with blood. Kalinda's blood. He started scrubbing more and more vigorously, beads of perspiration springing up on his forehead. Kalinda's blood. Still the water turned a deeper and deeper pink. Still Cary scrubbed until his skin started to burn and tingle.

Looking up into the mirror above the basin, he saw himself for the first time. His tie hanging sadly around his neck, the front of his shirt covered in… (Kalinda's blood). A horror stricken sob escaped him then and Cary stumbled back from the basin, hurriedly clawing at his shirt in an effort to get the soaked reminder of his friend's condition from his clammy body. His fingers fumbled with the first few buttons and then, giving in to the anxiety that was slowly climbing from the pit of his stomach and seeping into every part of him, Cary ripped the rest of the buttons with a growl and discarded the bloodied shirt in a sorry pile at his feet.

Breathing heavily he leaned on the bed in front of him, trying to catch his racing mind, trying to still the rising terror. He closed his eyes and willed himself a few hours back in time, willed himself to the point before everything went horribly wrong. (Am I interrupting?) Her dark eyes, her soft smile. (Do you want me to go?) No, he mouthed the word. (Do you want me to go?) No, he said out loud this time, eyes still closed, still back in his office with Kalinda. Kalinda who was fine. Kalinda who wanted him to come home with her. Circles of heat started up on his chest where her fingers had lightly brushed against him. (You coming?) Cary forced his eyes open with urgency. That was where he wanted to stop. That was where he had to end it.

He felt his mind tugging at him, coaxing him off the elevator and into the parking garage. He shook his head and grabbed at the green scrubs; distraction was going to save him. Now he could see the top of her SUV. He shrugged on the crisp shirt and started undoing his pants. They didn't look as bad as his shirt with stains at his knees where he had gone down to… and there it was. Kalinda's blood. There she was. Lying lifeless and broken. Cary bit his lips together to stop the horrific moan that was trying to fight its way out and climbed into the clean pants. Taking a deep breath to steady himself, he pushed himself back, back a few hours in time, willing himself to the point before everything went horribly wrong. (Am I interrupting?)

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What do you mean she was attacked? Is she okay? Where are you? Alicia's voice had reverberated with the same fear that had made its home in Cary. He made the call knowing that she would be alarmed but also knew that she had to be told. Kalinda prided herself on being the type of person who didn't need anyone but if she had to name one friend she had in this whole world, Alicia would be it. She arrived at the hospital less than fifteen minutes after that call, looking harried and pale. Her eyes searched the waiting area looking for Cary but couldn't find him. In exasperation, she grabbed at the first nurse walking by.

"Can you please help me? My friend was brought in a while ago. She was attacked, stabbed I think and-"

"Who's your friend?" the nurse asked impatiently.

"Kalinda Sharma. She came in with Cary Agos?" Alicia checked the nurse's face for any sign of recognition or acknowledgement but didn't get it. "He's blonde, uh, this high…he could've been wearing a suit!" she started describing her colleague to the nurse, speaking fast and scaring her a little.

"I'm sorry, I don't know your friend."

Alicia looked up to scan the area again, biting at her bottom lip. She hated hospitals. She hated dealing with people in hospitals, mainly because it often required a level of patience that she was generally in short supply of. That was true more now than ever.

"Hey," a familiar voice spoke behind her and Alicia spun around to find Cary. She was so glad to see him she didn't even notice the nurse she had just spoken to was no longer standing there.

"Oh my god, Cary, what happened? Have you heard anything?"

"She's still in surgery. I asked one of the nurses for an update but I'm still waiting."

"What are you wearing?" Alicia asked, noticing his hospital scrubs for the first time.

Cary met her gaze with tightly pursed lips and hoped that his face explained an answer to her question because he couldn't find the words to say it out loud. Not after his efforts to forget everything that brought them to that point. She read the look in his eyes easily and took a staggering step back as if the weight of her realization hit her with a physical force.

"Oh god," she whispered, her hand moving as if by reflex to cover her mouth.

"Cary."

"Emma, hey, how is she?" Cary asked, turning to the friendly ER nurse who had helped him earlier.

"I spoke to one of the theater nurses," Emma said and then stopped when she noticed Alicia.

"It's okay," Cary assured her, "she's a friend."

"Alicia Florrick," Emma nodded, instantly recognizing Alicia. "So you're from that law firm… Flockhart-"

"Lockhart Gardner, yes. You were saying?" Cary interrupted, anxious to get news on Kalinda's condition.

"Yes, she – Kalinda - lost quite a bit of blood so they started an emergency transfusion but she was already going into shock."

"What does that mean?" Alicia took the words out of Cary's mouth as they both bared down on the nurse now, wishing she would rush to the part where, hopefully, she would tell them that Kalinda was fine.

"The trauma to her body was excessive, there was a lot of internal bleeding and her liver was perforated. They had to resuscitate her…twice."

"Jesus," Cary said and turned away, running his hands through his hair.

"She's back though," Emma said, touching his arm so he would face her again. "The nurse said that the CPR administered on the scene is what saved her life. With that amount of blood loss, it kept oxygen going to the vital organs. She's been stable for the past twelve minutes and Dr Grosche is pretty much finished repairing the bleeds. Your friend's going to be fine," she ended.

Alicia let out the deep breath she didn't realize she had been holding that whole time and moved to put her hand on Cary's shoulder, who also exhaled a heavy sigh of relief. His mind backtracked to the parking garage, when he had watched the life drain from Kalinda; his urgent attempts to bring her back, how his mouth clumsily covered hers while each breath he gave her became a silent prayer for life to be restored.

"Thank you," he managed to say before his legs gave in and he sank down in the nearest chair.

"You're welcome. After the surgery she'll be moved to recovery until she wakes up and then they'll most likely transfer her to ICU. I'll find out when you can go see her."

Cary nodded his appreciation this time, again failing to find words and watched as Emma turned and disappeared into the organized chaos of the ER. Alicia pulled up a chair next to him, not lifting her hand from his shoulder and once she was seated, shifted her arm across his entire back. Cary accepted the blatant act of comfort and waited for the last of his anxiety to fade as the news he had been hoping to hear and then finally did took root in his mind. Kalinda was okay. She was gone but she came back and now she was okay.

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A/N: Thanks to all those who read, reviewed and followed I know it's been a bit of a wait but chapters should be coming hard and fast now. Stick with me, I promise it'll be worth it. Hit the review button and let me know what you think - if you hate it, love it, feel like screaming, crying, laughing, doing the hokey pokey… I want to know it all!